September 2001
September 28, 1:30 AM
Madness is catching. For example. Tree came into my room today mentioning about how I always tell her how crazy I am. She explained she had been suffering the same symptoms I've had my whole life. Like her brain was so full she couldn't get it all out quick enough and that most of the thoughts seemed really ridiculous and didn't make any sense.
That's why I'm a fiction writer. You don't have to make it believable.
But back to the point. I feel like I'm even crazier lately. Those things I hear in the middle of the night. The things I see when I'm not really looking. Everything has increased ten-fold. It's exactly like my full moon wish did come true and my brain is crushed under the weight of it all. I'm out of it and I can't reconnect. Even though I've tried. I asked for control of my life, and so far I've yet to receive it, or at least be given a clue so that I might retrieve it myself.
Where this crazy boat called life takes me I've yet to really see.
Yours in sunshine and moonshine,
C a Girl
September 28, 4:30 PM
If madness is catching sickness surely is as well. I feel like I don't know how to feel. I have this tiny core of happiness keeping me going, that childlike wonder that refuses to burn out or sell out like all the rest of my adult emotions. The problem is this tiny core is covered at every angle by a slimy pile of dirty, grimy shite. This isn't the kind of shite you simply schluff off. This is the kind of shite you carry around for a lifetime.
I don't expect to always be happy. I don't expect to always be miserable. But to have both forces pulling on me at the same time is more confusing than the theory of hypocrisy ever dreamed it could be. I know these things can exist at once, but in such perfect balance as they are right now is bordering on frightening.
Tori is a comfort to me at times like this. She helps me unburden my mind with her deliciously cryptic lyrics. I can curl up in her melodies and drift into a dream world where none of this reality can creep in to wake me. If only the rest of life could be as simple as a perfect song.
Yours in madness and mundane,
C a Girl
September 30, 3:06 AM
Can't sleep. Haven't really tried. Spent most of the night taping the "Real World Plattsburgh" (a parody version of the MTV super-hit for our friends) and entertaining several male friends. In platonic ways. Most of the guys I hang with aren't the type to find me attractive. And if they do, they sure as hell don't tell me.
I worry about stupid things now. I might be sick, I don't really know. I've always had these little quirky illnesses and I wonder if it's not some underlying disease or condition that the doctor can't quite pinpoint. I'm not a hypochondriac, it's just that when I'm sick I feel even more like there's something really wrong with me and I've recently been under the weather.
I want to confide in everyone, but I realize that it can come back to haunt you. I of course tell everything to the people I live with. I feel I have a need to. They have a right to know what's up. Some of my other friends, even though they are equally trustworthy, are not people to whom I divulge my secrets. I don't know. I want to unburden myself, but a lot of the time I just feel like crying. Some things maybe are better left unsaid.
I know what most of my problem is. It's just that I don't care to fix it right now. If fixing is even the right term. I'm just tired of people pointing out that I'm out of it. I know I'm out of it. I don't care. I kind of enjoy being on the periphery. I don't always have to be smiling. Why should I always be "Johnny on the Spot" at full attention? Sigh.
Yours in confusion and conundrum,
C a Girl
September 30, 2:48 PM
I slept well when I did finally fall asleep. It was a pleasant, bordering on erotic sleep, the kind I've needed for awhile. I had some spectacular dreams that I can't remember, but they cleared my mind of all that extraneous crap. For me sometimes dreams I can't remember are more cleansing than the ones I can.
I must take a moment to thank Sanjaya. He's been a really terrific confidante these last few days and I needed that. I'd even go so far as to say that he was helping me sleep last night. Though I must tell you I had one dream that freaked me out.
I was checking my e-mail (and this one dream I do remember) and the program opened a file I didn't want to. It kept copying itself and while my computer was perfectly ok I figured I'd run out of file space soon since I had a thousand copies of the same file. A loose interpretation of this dream is about myself letting go and losing control. I really wasn't ok with allowing this to happen beyond my control. I guess I just need to let more shit slide. Don't worry about it until I really have to. I think I'm a lot smarter than I allow myself to admit.
Yours in dreams and nightmares,
C a Girl
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