October 2002
October 1, 12:19 AM
Today was National Bi-polar day. Or, at least it was for me with all the highs and lows I went through.
Boss was being an ass, so I wrote a letter of resignation. I don't think I'm actually going to quit, but if I decide to the letter's already written and printed out. He starts with me again and I'm just going to hand it to him.
The one acts sucked. I'm working sound and rehearsal was just awful. People didn't know their lines, the cd player sucks and oh yeah, the scripts were awful. Some of the acting was good, but for the most part, NO.
The highlight of my day was doing a sexy chairdance for Tiffaney and chatting online with Justin (my pumpkin). So for all the good and all the bad today was all in all blah.
C a Girl
October 2, 9:45 PM
Listening to Jimmy Eat World (my new favorite band) and playing the x-files game. I keep getting killed. I have been A) killed and tossed in the river B) blown up with a hot chick and C) shot by crazy russians in a warehouse. I kind of like it. It's either that or the sims, who I tend to kill on purpose.
There was a really excellent thunder storm last night. I watched for awhile from my cozy bed, pushed against the window and then I fell asleep and didn't wake again until the alarm clock went off (and I didn't even really wake up then).
I found Jim's Cowboy Bepop CD in the SA crew equipment the other day and I'm still deciding if I want to give it back to him. It has some great tracks on it and I don't think I want to give it back. Of course, he still has my black hooded sweatshirt (the one I want to be buried in, no joke). This could be one of those hostage situations where we have to slide the briefcases across the floor to each other.
As Tim P. said in class today "All people have the god-given right to act." I pointedly said (loudly) "I don't agree." Everyone laughed expect She-Demon and I think it's because she realized the bulk of my comment was directed at her. Sometimes I just don't know when to leave well enough alone. Other times, I can't keep my mouth shut. Most of the time I just want to turn off that awful truth valve. Sigh, giggle. Perhaps it's just a phase I'll grow out of.
As I was walking home with Timmy and Justin (my truest truest loves) we got on the subject of death. I said I'd probably die from being shot in the heart with cupid's arrows. Timmy laughed and said two at the same time. I laughed too, and thought it was kind of cute. And then I thought to myself: huh? On that note, good night, sleep well; the stars are above and the moon is smiling down on you.
C a Girl
October 3, 8:43 AM
Today was the secondary crew meeting because of the one we all had to leave from. If Boss-man thought he was punishing us, he's wrong. I don't feel punished. I feel incensed to riot. It's like he turned on the alarm clock for the anarchist within (who has been sleeping blissfully for a few years since the last anarchy incident after which I sent her to bed). I feel the sudden need to break some shit and to cause some trouble, perhaps some crumbling of power structures.
I hate it when I get all self-righteous.
C a Girl
October 3, 5:42 PM
It's funny how some people slowly fade from your life while others plummet dramatically out. There are some people in my life who will always be there, Becky, David, Moon, the Gay Dog (my bestest friends in the whole world). And there are others that I constantly question as to their role in my manuscript.
And I'm now talking on the phone with Rust. Weird.
C a Girl
October 4, 5:02 PM
Something weird and completely unsatisfactory just happened. I've been dumped for Iovino (this girl in the theatre). Twice. Apparantly no one wants to be my fake boyfriend anymore. Even Sean stopped wanting to break up with me daily last semester. Sigh. I suppose it's a good thing. I've fallen in love with about 8 different people this week and I either need to pick a name out of a hat or just decide which of the two still standing is the one I want. There's Rust-boy who just confuses me and turns me into a weak-kneed school girl with his philosophical talk. And then there's Captain America, the one I've been going to movies with and with whom I've roasted blueberry muffins on the forman grill and then nibbled them (DELICIOUS) while watching some nasty dvd he picked (but then blamed the choice on me). One can satisfy me physically and mentally, the other satisfies my emotional side. Both of them are scheduling nightmares (full time jobs and college and what not). And I'm not sure if I should settle for either.
I didn't mention it the other day but Graves mailed me back. I cried when I read what he had to say. My mentor was back full force and he finally put in writing what I needed him to say. He misses me and he wants to keep in touch. I'm so happy and filled with hope and expectation. I just want to see him again.
And then Moon is coming up after the Stratford trip and hanging out for a few days. And then there's just Stratford. So why am I worried about all these stinking boys if I have so many good things in my life?
C a Girl
October 5, 4:55 PM
I woke up and ate cold pizza for breakfast.
I went to walmart bought mini-hershey's-candy-bars and candy corn and pumpkins.
I went to sam's club and bought kettle corn.
C a Girl
October 5, 4:55 PM
For dinner: cod nuggets, corn and potato soup. For dessert: apple crisp. For later: Hornsby's and video games with Jim, Lennaire, Betty, Little B and others. YEAH!
C a Girl
October 6, 4:26 PM
Just woke up. Not surprised. Last night was excellent good fun at Jim's house with his entourage of miniature friends (including the adorable Rory and the mouthy Little B). We played Smash Brother's melee, DDR and a card game called Chez Geek (which I'm still not sure how to play). We also watched a classic film straight out of hong kong: crippled masters, the harrowing true story of a guy with no legs and a guy with no arms who must learn to fight together to defeat the evil metal humpbacked guy. No kidding. Instant classic.
Thinking that nothing can go wrong on such a great night, we were rather mislead. Len's cat disappeared out of a broken screen to wander around in the night and be searched after by all able hands for nearly an hour and a half. Kitten still didn't come home, and by 4:45 I was ready to call it quits. I hope she comes home and all, and I didn't mean to neglect my pals in their hour of need, but Carol needs sleep. I bet she'll come home when she gets hungry (the cat that is, although I would do the same).
P.S.- My black hooded sweatshirt has been returned!
C a Girl
October 7, 2:54 AM
I'm not sleeping. Two reasons. I woke up at 4PM yesterday (and so my body isn't tired). And I had coffee with Amanda P. It was great coffee: pumpkin spice. Here's the problem, I have this mild allergy to caffeine (well ok, I have this mild allergy to everything). It makes me shaky and obviously coffee keeps one awake. Tonight would be no exception.
I'm hemming my pants for the stratford trip. I don't want to look like a total dork by rolling them up and having them drag in the streets of Canada. And I feel a random sense of accomplishment with every little stitch. Right now I'm chewing on the needle, and I'm sure that's not healthy, but hey, it's a bad habit. We all have one.
In other news Shauna thinks I'm a socio-path. Can't say that I'm surprised, or that I'd even argue the point. I sort of am a socio-path. But only part way. I have a sense of fellowship with some folks, just not all. I really need to know a person before I'd go out of my way to help them. I guess it's the hardnosed bitch within that refuses to help unless there's an absolutely, unrefuteable just cause.
And my desk is moving because the wall is shaking because the wind is blowing and I live on the ninth floor. I love Plattsburgh.
C a Girl
October 7, 8:44 AM
Jason Torrance once told me that he spent an entire day sitting in the library watching the snow fall. He didn't feel that the day was wasted at all. I knew exactly what he meant. When I was a little kid we used to live in the back part of our house now. My bedroom had a sloped ceiling and so the windows on either end were a lot lower, almost touching the floor. When I couldn't sleep I used to curl up next to the window and just gaze out at the landscape for hours on end. It didn't help me sleep, but it did calm my mind and quiet my soul in a way I can't explain. This morning, when I couldn't sleep yet again I gazed out my 9th floor window and was entirely caught up in the beauty of the trees as their leaves shuddered in the wind. I watched the hazy, rolling mountains and the glassy surface of the river. I noticed the way the bright yellow leaves were strewn all across the perfectly trimmed green lawns. I relaxed, I let go and I felt comfortable. I know exactly what he meant.
C a Girl
October 8, 11:10 PM
I slept so blissfully last night. I was out cold by 10PM and didn't wake up again until about noon today.
However, I'll be up pretty late tonight working on my WMS302 take home midterm. I'm almost done with the first part. I'm a little worried about the second part.
All in all, all of my little existential crises have passed for now. I guess I'm just scared shitless of life and what it has to offer me. And what decisions lie before me. Decisions are possibly the scariest thing for someone so indecisive.
C a Girl
October 9, 9:47 PM
The reality that the trip is almost here has just about set in. I slept all afternoon and just now finished my packing. I get so antsy I can barely sit in my skin when it comes to Stratford. If I thought I could run up there and meet the bus on time I'd start out right now. In the meanwhile the diary (which has been incredibly active this month) will be down for a few days since I'll have NO access to the internet. That's ok, I'll right a super long entry on Monday and update you on the details of the trip. Take care and I love you,
C a Girl
October 14, 1:52 PM
Wow. Stratford was amazing this year. This was my third trip and it was by far the best. I can't even put into words all of the great things I'm feeling right now. I hung out with Teri, Amanda(s), Colin, Jasmine and Tony. I met some new people. I hung out in some new places. The shows were fabulous. The food was excellent. I need to live in Stratford.
I'm so excited. Tiffaney and I are finally home to watch our soaps. Heheehe.
C a Girl
October 18, 12:28 AM
Erin went home today. It was sort of anti-climatic. A great visit, lots of snuggly bonding, a walk through Rugar woods (which is odd enough in its own right), a taxi ride to the train station and ride home alone. Hopefully I'll be going to Vassar to watch Erin as Magenta in Rocky Horror with Sarah.
I started reading tarot again in Stratford and I think I'm back. The intuition is almost stronger for the break. As for what Graves said, magic being bullshit and all, I can say that I agree and I can say that I don't agree. I think magic is no more than good timing, but I don't think that it doesn't exist. It just doesn't exist in the sense that most people think. But I think I have this ability to tap into that good timing so far as the universe is concerned. When it comes to having good timing with anything else, well forget about it. Especially when it comes to particular guys. I'm single; they're dating. They're single; I'm dating. It's not that I can't win. It's more like I can't decide if I want to win.
I'm such a klutz. I'd like to wake up one day and not break something, trip over something, or break myself. Today I knocked over the phone while tripping on the cord and nearly fell over myself. Tiffaney just laughed and laughed. I don't think she was planning on calling the RA on duty. It's revenge for the time she had that seizure and I didn't call anyone to help. Vindictive. I'm joking. I digress.
I need more sleep, but that's nothing new. So good night, and much adieu.
C a Girl
October 19, 2:21 PM
I'm sitting naked, wrapped in my towel and I'm wondering why I got out of bed this morning. It's drizzly-raining-miserable outside and it might snow tonight. I have to do some props crap for Crimes of the Heart and pick up some keys for work tomorrow, but I don't want to get out of my towel. I stayed up all last night to listen to the boys (my dork boys, not the foreigners) radio show which lasts until 2:30 AM. I haven't stayed up that late on purpose since, well since that night Tony and Colin crashed our room in Stratford last weekend. But before that I haven't stayed up that late in a crones age. Sigh. Anywho, I must get out of my towel and do something with my day. Adios,
C a Girl
October 20, 2:40 AM
Every time I try to cover up one piece of flesh another one gets exposed. Ah, the trials and tribulations of a fat girl. I have to work at 8AM and I'm still awake. Damian's over, we got donuts and he thoroughly felt me up (sweet). Anyway. Time for sleep.
C a Girl
October 20, 4:57 AM
I think my brain is going to explode. Damian and I just had a chat and everything he said is making sense in a monumental, life altering kind of way. It's like everything I've felt and known and seen is all coming together and all making sense. And why now? The old adage is right: the more questions that get answered the more questions arise. The universe is gathering towards something, and it's like Damian has given me a flashlight in the blinding mire of night. And while my entry is vague and those of you who don't know me well might not even understand that much, it's hard to explain and I'm not even sure if I believe it. But I do. I know I do. I just need time to absorb these new words to describe exactly how my epistemology was born. Maybe I'll explain it to you when I'm older. Maybe I won't have to. Take care and those of you who matter know who you are and you know why. I love you.
C a Girl
October 21, 11:55 AM
Today I was so agitated. Not in a bad way, it's just that I couldn't sit still. Sometimes it's like my soul is too big for my skin and it's fighting to get out; it can't be contained. That translates into goofy Carol squirming about all day. I had ants in my pants.
I had a nice sit down, chat and eat with Rachel today. She was talking about this new guy in her life and for once, I didn't dominate the conversation. It was nice. Every now and then, even I have to take a break from the sound of my voice. I don't know how Tiffaney handles my endless chatter day in and day out.
So I'm learning how to live with this new epiphany and just be chill, but I think that more new and strange things are going to start happening because of the connection Damian made in my head. We'll see (she says with a mysterious smile). By the way Sanjaya, I don't think I'm ready to divulge this secret to anyone just yet, so stop asking!
C a Girl
October 23, 3:18 PM
I slept an astonishing 14 hours last night. I took my allegra D as a sort of experiment that proved true. The D still kicks my ass and I shouldn't take it unless I want to sleep through something. All the same I'm very relaxed, calm and taking everything one step at a time.
As Ronnie Gamma said: Life is Good.
C a Girl
October 24, 5:42 PM
I'm not sure, but I'm so unbelievably chill lately. I haven't gotten my panties in a bunch about anything in about 48 whole hours. I've never been so relaxed in all my life. It's like I have permission from the powers that be that I don't have to care about anything.
Well that's not true. I have to care about some things. I'm procrastinating. I don't want to hand in my application to graduate (YEAH state school, they make you apply for EVERYTHING). I don't want to finish my degree (thus, why I will most likely be finishing it over winter break by taking winter session classes). I just don't want to leave. There's a very good reason I came to the north country, I just can't figure out what it is yet. I don't want to leave, but I don't have the financial juevos to stick it out on my own. I don't want to have to eat ramen everyday and read by candlelight because I can't afford electricity. I don't mind moving back home for awhile, but I'd rather not.
I am one of those creatures that crave chaos within stability. I want to mix it up and I hate falling into a rhythm, but it's that rhythm that comforts me. It lets me know that everything will be ok and that I have something to fall back on. Right now, I have nothing. And while I'm not immediately worried about it, it is definately in the back of my mind. Graduation woes. Blah.
C a Girl
October 27, 1:47 PM
I love daylight savings. It's one of those bonus prizes you weren't expecting. And while it gets darker earlier in my little corner of the world, I don't mind it. More time to sleep. And in a way it's kind of like time traveling. You get to re-do an entire hour of your life any way you like. Of course, that hour gets stolen back in the spring but it was yours to claim on one late autumn day. Samhain is coming up. Sowein. Halloween. All Hallow's Eve. Whatever you call it, I'm stoked. There are a few parties I plan to attend dressed up as an hobbit. And there's a pagan ceremony going on Wednesday that I want to check out. Just a few dorkies like myself gathering in the woods for a bonfire. Maybe I can make some magic this year.
C a Girl
October 30, 12:38 AM
I worked a show with "the devil" today. Absolutely fascinating. He was a really nice guy with amazing stage presence and a knack for the written word. His show was called "The Devil, You Say!" Interesting.
I'm watching "Death to Smoochy." What a fucked up movie. But it's absolutely hilarious. My favorite lines: "You ok?" "I dunno, I'm kind of fucked up in general so it's hard to gauge." While we're on the topic of movies. I need to see Jackass soon, but I have to wait for a paycheck. And I'm definately going to stick with tradition and skip Kim's class in order to see Harry Potter on the day it opens.
I had a weird thought today. I keep seeing certain people I just met all over the place, the college center, the dining hall, random parking lots. I wonder if I keep seeing them because of some weird tangled web of "Celestine Prophecy" type magic. Or is it just because I can put a name with the face now? Were they always there and I just never noticed? I suppose I'll never know.
C a Girl
October 31, 2:32 PM
I had a fun night with the pagans. We had a little bonfire out in rugar woods and some interesting things happened. My brain is on fire with all of the connections. As I was walking past the mother and father trees (two trees in the woods whose branches lean towards each other on the top) a shooting star arched across the sky. And I called the north, the earth, Graves quarter. I slept very well, curled up underneath the smiling moon. But today I have no desire to do anything but lay curled up in my blankets. Oh well.
P.S.- Ben called Kernanos (I know I didn't spell that right), the horned one when we cast the circle. Steve made the connection once that my nickname since I was little is Cariannos (from my dad) and how alike the too words are when you put them together. How fitting.
C a Girl