October 2001
October 1, 4:49 PM
Happy October. I'm leaving in three days for Canada and I couldn't be more excited. It's a nice little town called Stratford and they do Shakespeare. For those of you who don't know me, I have a passion for theatre. It's an all consuming love for which I often get myself in trouble. The Festival Theatre in Stratford is gorgeous, a real marvel in theatrical architecture.
The College Theatre Association is one of my other passions. However right now it's in turmoil. Everyone is fighting and I can't stand it. I want to fix everything, but I realize I can't. It's not my job and I shouldn't have to.
I just want to be everyone's friend, but it's hard when I think everyone hates me. I know not everyone does. I have friends and they love me. Sometimes I just feel unappreciated. It's because I think I'm stupid. ARGH! I get frustrated with myself because I know I'm not stupid, and that people don't hate me. Why do I have to believe that I'm such an awful person when I know I'm not?
I'm past the urge to cry every fifteen minutes at least. And I am happy. I feel sometimes though that I have to push the happiness out from under all the garbage heaped up in my corner. I keep pushing the little voices that say unhappy things out of my head.
Yours in hugs and kisses,
C a Girl
October 2, 4:18 PM
Slept the whole day. Oh well. No use being mad at myself, it's only one wasted afternoon. So long as I don't do it again.
I'm working on my character for 12 Angry Women. It's frustrating to separate myself from the character. It's neat to find little things that make us different, but it's difficult to pull myself out of it. I want to do well and make a great show, and I'm so afraid that I'm going to suck.
Self confidence, I need some self confidence.
Yours in melodrama and acting, brilliant, thank you,
C a Girl
October 3, 1:36 PM
So today I'm snippy with a sardonic grin plastered on my face. I had such a good night I couldn't be happier, but at the same time I'm tired and cranky. I'm such an oxy-moron. We played spin the bottle in the boys suite across the hall and though I only ended up kissing one of my girl-friends on the cheek I had a terrific time. Besides, a true lady doesn't kiss and tell (at least not on this web-page).
There's a boy in one of my classes who for our purposes today shall be called Patrick. He has a girlfriend but he's always sort of flirting with me. It gets better, his girlfriend is in the class with us. He told me a few days ago that he had a dream about me, but he won't tell me what it is. You can tell he wants to just blurt it right out, but his girlfriend is always right there. Today he came really close to asking me on a date (of course it coincided with my show so I'll be acting). Interesting. I'll have to keep a close monitor on this one. As for other dating possibilities I really am just waiting for the right person to fall in my lap. I'm not activally pursuing anything right now.
The moon was gorgeous last night. It was full and bright in the sky with a smattering of stars and clouds low on the horizon. Ali, Stacey, Sean and I took a walk down to the river to enjoy the beautiful night. It truly was a spectacular show that she put on for us. I made my monthly full moon wish and just as I finished a falling star shot down only inches (from my perspective) from the moon. I'm hoping this is a good sign, and I'm fairly certain it is.
Yours in melancholy spastic moodswings,
C a Girl
October 7, 5:13 PM
I wrote this in my travel journal on the bus ride home.
"Much time had passed since you and I last shared a visit. I am just now on a bus returning from Stratford, Canada and I am dreading going home. It is not because the trip was amazing (don't get me wrong, it was). It is because only a few hours ago I learned that the U.S. launched missiles on Afghanistan. How can I in good conscious return to a country that could commit such an atorcity? It's cold and rainy in Canada but I would rather weather a thousand storms here than have to endure one sunny day in my homeland. The storm has just begun and my feelings are that it will not soon end. This war will be fought on our soil and whether or not we die doesn't matter so much. Freedom is being usurped by vengeance. Justice bows low to revenge. I wish I had happier things to enter. But I sit here feeling voiceless and sick with helplessness. I was dining for lunch in Uncle Albert's when the bartender turned up the TV. I will remember the salty soup and lemon water forever, but not because I want to. It will be engrained there for a lifetime, in my memories. Annie just peeled an eyelash off my face and told me to make a wish. I wished for peace."
Yours,
C a Girl
October 8, 1:56 AM
Just got home from the Stratford trip. It was a wonderful, fantastic weekend once again, but it was dampened earlier today when in a pub/restaurant for lunch I learned that the U.S. had indeed started an air strike against Afghanistan.
Not exactly news you want to come home to.
It's decided then. When I graduate I'm heading once more for the border but this time not to return. I think I'll weather the summer here, but as soon as I can I'm off. I just don't feel right living in a place that I don't agree with. Yes, I want those bastards that committed the 9-11 crime captured and brought to justice. But didn't Timothy McVeigh get a trial? I remember, I may be wrong, but I think he did. Did anyone bomb the shit out of his backyard just because he blew up a building and killed a good number of people? NO. A resounding no. How can this damn country talk of justice and then spit on the very words that used to make my heart swell with pride. Innocent until proven guilty and I don't see that Osama Bin Laden has a lawyer in a court trying to explain his possible innocence. I'm not saying he is. I don't think he is. But doesn't he, as a human being have a right to justice? That justice might very well be his death. But his fate had been decided by a fat and happy government that somehow forgets to listen to the people that elected it and put it into place. I'm fucking pissed off. And I'm unheard. I'm not ashamed to say that I think our country is filled with uneducated buffons who are more than happy to run off and get killed just for a little piece of vengeance.
As a great man once said: "An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind." -Ghandi
Yours in true freedom and real justice,
C a Girl
October 8, 10:25 PM
Spent the day in bed for the most part. Just a little sick. Ah well. I had some excellent dreams about theatre last night. Can't remember what they were but they were nice. I'm talking to my brother right now and he's making me laugh. He's such a silly. He just called me a coochie. And then he called me a ghetto-booty-face. Word to your mother. So I'm feeling better now that I got all that anger out of my system. Time for some giggles.
Yours in giggles and belly laughs,
C a Girl
October 9, 12:35 PM
Had some excellent theatre dreams once again. Most of them were about watching shows. When I woke up this morning it felt like Christmas. It was that giddy, about to open presents feeling. I can't explain why, but it just felt like a good day.
I had a dream yesterday that I forgot to mention and as an after thought it was pretty freaky. The dream was that I was trying to get dinner and the lady took my meal card and threw it away. This is my whole SUNY i.d. and she said it was useless. She tossed it in a garbage can with a pile of other students cards. The dream ended and I continued with my day. Tree and I went to dinner and the lady said the card slot wasn't working, our cards were useless. Hmmm. Interesting. I dunno what to think about this one.
Yours snuggled in blankets on a cold winter's day,
C a Girl
October 10, 1:42 AM
One more sleepless night to add to the stockpile. I'm really sick and when that happens I can't sleep. I can't decide if I want to throw up or lay down or snuggle in blankets again. I think I'll type.
I keep forgetting to mention some of the amazing things that happened on my trip. The best part I think was when Annie tried to pet the swans and one of them freaked out. Lennaire retold the story and they way he put it you would have thought the swan was ten feet tall and about to rip Annie's face off. It was quite hilarious. And then there was Lennaire telling us how in tenth grade he was hit by a school bus. I never laughed so hard in my whole life.
We meet some more Canadian actors, and the teachers (Wilson and Levitin specifically) pissed everyone off by asking really one sided questions. I also saw the actress who played "Jessica" from "The Merchent of Venice" in one of the theatre stores. We didn't exchange any words, but the looks were enough. I said "Are you?" She said "Yeah, I get it all the time." Then I said "Oh, I won't say anything then." She said "Thanks," and left the store. Amazing.
I spent one morning all to myself, shopping by my lonesome. It was excellent and I kept thinking that one year ago I wouldn't have been able to do that. Especially not in a foreign country, and although Canada isn't that foreign it's still pretty strange. I love it there. I don't care how cold it is. I can't wait to live there. I hope to retain my U.S. citizenship and become a Canadian citizen as well.
But as for theatre. Sigh. Theirs is incredible. I love our little theatre here in Plattsburgh, but it pales in comparison. I want to work there no matter in what position. I'll be an usher if I have to be. I'll sell tickets. Just let me be close to that thing of beauty.
Yours and dreaming of a new land to call my own,
C a Girl
October 10, 11:09 PM
Sitting on the phone, hacking my lungs out to Sean who is playing counterstrike. I'm thinking. I'm thinking very hard.
I discovered a slight problem with my online diary. If my friends know that this is my site and they read my entries then obviously my life is an open book to them. I don't really care if strangers read this tripe, they don't really know me; they don't directly affect me. My friends however...
Call it a conflict of interest. Call it a moral dilemma if you will. I don't know what to do. The purpose herein is mostly for me to rid myself of my daily trials. However should I write about those who affect me most closely and perhaps alienate them in the process? I usually tell people who annoy me that they are doing exactly that. When I talk about someone when they're not around it's usually because I have or I'm planning to talk to them about it. Some things I would type about are those I just want to bitch about rather than do something. I dunno. I'll keep mulling over it until I come to an executive decision.
Yours in a bemuddled stupor,
C a Girl
October 11, 4:27 PM
Taking a break between class and rehearsal, chatting it up with some buddies from back home. I'm not exactly sure where I am today, but I'm somewhere between happy and ill. For the most part I'm cheerful, but I keep hacking up little bits of my lungs (so that's not happy).
Someone once told me that I should strive for more in life than to be happy. They said that an interesting life was more viable than a happy one. I beg to differ. He made the illusion to a cow chewing cud in the field as happy and that was what I was aspiring to. I have a good idea what I'm aspiring to and it doesn't involve regurgitated food. I've lead an interesting life already, why can't I just enjoy it?
Happiness really is something you have to make yourself and no one can give it to you. I have happiness. I do enjoy my life. I feel like people are pressuring me to be serious and take things heavy-handedly. It's not like I'm trying to laugh at everything, but there are things in life that you just shouldn't take seriously. I tend to laugh at everything because life just seems hilarious to me. Everybody is so caught up in the stupid stuff. Me too, I'm caught in the machine. But I break out of it by laughing at myself.
If you can take just a minute of your day to spare a giggle do it. Roll on the floor and laugh until it hurts. And then laugh some more. If you don't feel better call Dr. Kevorkian.
Yours in an ever changing state of mind,
C a Girl
October 14, 1:12 AM
Chatting with the baby brother on the phone. I forget how much I miss them. We've decided to spearhead a new movement. It's called "Anarchy D". It's sort of like anarachy just tamer, you know like decongestent. Also included in this movement are the people for a Republican Communist President. And my brother is telling me about my mom. "She just got beefed by a 2 by 4." "Ewww." "You're the one who stuck it in your mouth."
P.S.-If you don't get the joke, get out of the gene-pool.
Yours in Anarchy D,
C a Girl
October 15, 12:09 AM
I just had the best day I've had in months! I hung lights for the show I'm in this afternoon and I worked at a stupid movie that was so dumb it made me laugh. I got two packages (one was books I ordered, the other candy from my mom). I also got e-mails from my buddy Matt S. and Steve. What more could I ask for? Well, sex. But hey, I'm flying pretty high.
One again I'm on the phone with my baby brother and he's talking about how evil women are. He says we're like darkness, with no light and you can't see in the dark. Makes sense. For a sixteen year old he knows a lot. He's telling me about this one girl he likes and he said "I'm doing fine, walking along and then all of a sudden, Boom. Black wall." I laughed. I'm also chatting online with my buddy Sean whom we call little brother. He is very much like a little brother. Zoey put it best. "He's playing Nintendo all alone and mom yells at you to play nintendo with him and you say 'but mom' and she says 'do it or I'll spank you' so you go play with him and eventually everyone comes in to play and everyone is having fun and you end up enjoying playing nintendo with little brother."
Life is too much fun.
Yours until I marry Andrew LaFontaine,
C a Girl
October 15, 5:07 PM
I'm putting off papers that are way past due.
I had a character breakthrough today. I realized that she (my character) wasn't telling me certain things about her life because they were too painful to think about. I know this all sounds odd, but to other actors it makes perfect sense. She was protecting me because to her the truth was just too awful. I explained to her that it was ok and that I could separate myself from her reality. Finally she broke down and told me all I needed to know in order to play my part to the best of my ability.
I'm having a hard time concentrating on other things though now. Shows take up one hundred percent of my energy and I think I have an iron deficiency so I don't have much energy to begin with. Ah well. I'm sure I'll get back on track soon enough.
Yours until I take to the sky,
C a Girl
October 17, 3:35 AM
Yes, I'm still awake. So the insomniac thing hasn't gone away yet. Not that I'm helping it any by typing here at my desk instead of lying in bed. Well, I suppose you really can't win them all.
I just started a 40 day process in this self-help book I bought. I figured it was something to try. The book is called "One Day My Soul Just Opened Up" by Iyanla VanZant Today's lesson was Truth as applied to the divine forces in life. I think I grasped the concept, but I don't have a firm hold. I'll keep you posted on how it works for me.
I'm also writing a paper for Plays in Rehearsal tomorrow. I kind of hate the class. Ok, I really hate the class. The teacher tries, but he can't communicate his ideas. He's really frustrating to work with. And some of the other students in class... Argh. Let's just say I'm only taking it because it's a requirement for the major.
In any case the Harry Potter movie opens in a month and I'm tickled pink. I can't go to the evening showing of it because I'll be in the studio theatre for the One Acts. Shit. Makes me wish I didn't audition. But Jimmy promised me we'd skip class that day and check out a matinee. I agreed joyously and until then I don't think I'll be able to sit still.
Yours in ansty anticipation,
C a Girl
October 18, 11:23 AM
Yesterday's lesson was Trust. I didn't get too far because I slept most of the day. It's a difficult concept anyway. It's not so much about trusting people to not hurt you, it's trusting people because no matter what they do they will help you along in this wacky thing called life whether it is to hurt you or love you.
Other than that I'm sitting in my blankets in a sort of disbelief. K.C. is reading e-mails to us and I'm horrified. One of them was about missiles that had things written on them before they went over to Afghanistan saying things about revenge is a bitch and all the Americans are pissed off. I'm ashamed to call myself American. I'm pissed off about stupid people representing my country. I'm pissed off that people assume I'm pissed off about the bombings. Don't get me wrong, I was horrified, terrified and confused. I don't think I was angry. The actual perpetrators of the crime are dead. The planners on the other hand are no where to be found. You can't punish an entire country for the evils of a few. All right, sermon is over.
Other than that I'm going to get naked and take a shower. Maybe today I can get something accomplished.
Yours pissed off and untrusting,
C a Girl
October 19, 4:16 PM
I'm online chatting with my girl Erin. It's been awhile since we've talked, so it's nice being able to share news with her. Steve's been mailing me, which is nice too. I miss him a lot and I think maybe he realizes it now. Today's lesson is prayer. So in prayer I would like to thank myself for initiating conversation with Steve. I would like to thank Erin for keeping in touch with me. I would like to thank the spirit within that connects us to each other and to life. But I wouldn't like to thank whatever I ate for lunch because it is causing me to have a gas problem.
Yours in an all consuming desire to be heard,
C a Girl
October 22, 12:30 AM
Once again, putting off a paper for Plays in Rehearsal. Today's lesson was meditation and I have not yet had the real opportunity to sit down in silence. I know that if I try it now I'll just fall asleep on the floor and my roommate I don't think, would like that. I'm going to skip to the next concept, willingness. When I get the chance I'll backtrack. I'm thinking that once I finish with this book I might start my own lesson for the day. They'd be a bit more wacky I think, but it might be fun.
I'm still having some troubles with my life. I say or do things that alienate others and I don't do it because I want to or that I can. I simply do it because I am. I do it because it's me, uncensored, uncanny, not watered down. Everything is so PC and I say things that are not. People I think sometimes worry about what's going to come out of my mouth next, wishing I would just shrivel up and never talk again. I dunno, maybe it's just my perception of things. I think too much.
Yours with a ten pound bowling ball for a head (thick and with 3 holes),
C a Girl
October 22, 5:47 PM
I realize today, I have a much firmer grasp on life than I thought.
I was talking to Annie in the CTA office (less like an office and more like a lounge) early this afternoon. We were talking about how we personify things like the rain and the wind. Most other people think we're crazy but I think we're on to something. For example I was telling her how the wind was playing with my scarf this morning as I walked to class. It was nice and comforting and in a way the wind was telling me that she's always there to play with, I just have to come out and meet her sometimes. Annie understood but some of the other people in the office thought I was talking rubish. I think the problem is that they don't listen to what the wind whispers or the rain is trying to tell them as it patters on the ground.
Maybe I'm just a child in love with and standing in awe of nature. Which brings me to my next revelation. In some ways I'm a hippy. Not the kind that live in communes and smoke pot all day. The real hippies, the kind that live their ideas. But in our culture it's difficult to live your ideas anymore. I finally forgave myself for living within a system that I don't agree with. It's difficult to not get sucked into the machine. BUT you can LIVE within the BOX and still THINK outside of the BOX. Being a hippy is more a school of thought than a way of life in our times. The economy sort of forces us to become a part of it, so we do, but our thoughts are free. My thoughts are free.
Yours,
C a Girl
October 24, 1:22 PM
I realize that the diary of a nothing is nothing special or new. Lots of people have online journals and they share their thoughts every day. Looking at some others I see mine is a little bit more long winded, but I think that goes with my personality too. What I didn't know was that people have webcams.
All over the web this new subculture is popping up. People sharing their lifes on camera. Most of them are nudy girls who like to show off their ta-tas, but some of them are normal every day folk who want others to look into the portal of their lifes. How weird is that?
In any case the lesson for today is creativity. I don't think I need to work hard on that one. I'm in the middle of a show and if taking on a seperate personality for the sake of art isn't creativity I don't know what is. This character is nice and normal though. She's had some rough spots in her life, but I don't mind her hanging over my left shoulder. Speaking of...
I was trying to meditate last night (I still haven't gotten it to work) and the King popped in for a visit. TO fill you in I believe in the faeries and the faerie king and he likes to visit. It could be schizophrenia, it could be hallucination from lack of sleep. Whatever it is he drops in from time to time. So he stopped by to talk to me. Although we didn't really talk, I just felt his presence and sort of stood at attention. To switch tracks completely, I met this girl today. We shook hands and a tingle shot up my arm. The spot where she touched my hand was tingling for a few minutes after. I think she has some great magic hidden within her depths, but I just met her, so I can't tell. Sometimes when I meet another witch I can just tell. They set my spidey senses to alert and I get a pleasant shock wherever they touch me. I'll have to see what develops.
Yours in tingles and surprises,
C a Girl
October 26, 12:41 AM
I got a raise today. I'm excited. I don't like money so much, it's dirty. But it frees me up to do the things I want to do.
I don't have much else to add today. My self-help book is actually going pretty slowly. I start to sit down and work on it but I get so caught up in other things. I'm still on creativity, but I think I'll be finishing it up before I go to bed.
I will say though that we added the chairs into the studio theatre for our show. The whole space changed. It added a whole new dynamic to the room and the show is going to be amazing. I'm very excited and just a little bit agitated with nervousness.
Yours in jitters and trying to remember her lines,
C a Girl
October 27, 5:07 PM
The show was amazing last night. Not only did we get a standing ovation but the crowd was going wild. They burst into cheers and yells at every bow. I don't think they expected the show they got. It was intense and right on the money. I'm trying to keep my head from inflating because I have another show to do in less than three hours. I'm so excited I can barely stand it. And I've been making out cards to everyone today. My emotions are running a little higher than usual. My parents and brother are coming up too. My sister would, but she's in a show of her own. I can't wait to see them.
Yours in mirth and joy,
C a Girl
October 28, 9:49 PM
Daylight savings kicks my ass. I'm tired and it's not even 10 o'clock yet. I don't understand why we have to go and fuck with the clock like that. But anyway, most of the exhaustion comes from the show. I'm just plain old over-worked and emotionally drained. I need a little sabbatical, but unfortunately you can't take a sabbatical in the middle of a semester. Ah well. Just keep plugging away I guess. The play went well. I haven't heard a single bad thing yet.
And I have a crush. I feel stupid and I can't believe I admitted it to myself. It's not necessarily a good thing. He's a nice guy and all but I can't believe I like him that way. I think I'm going to sit on it for now and see what happens. If the timing is right than maybe I'll tell him.
Today's lesson is peacefulness. I don't know that I'll be able to get to far with that if I'm in the middle of a huge week of productions. A show that two of my suitemates are in is going up this weekend and the fall concert as well as some other concert with female barbershopers. Oh for joy.
Yours and dreading her homework which is piled to the ceiling,
C a Girl
October 30, 1:53 AM
I downloaded a shite load of mp3's today. Which means I might have to delete some other files on my computer. Ah well. It's ok so long as it's in the interest of good music. I'm also approaching this week with a light hearted sense of dread. I will be working all weekend and I'm scheduled to be in 2 places at once for the good majority of it. Ergh.
Yours and waiting for Sunday Bloody Sunday,
C a Girl
October 30, 4:19 PM
I hurt. I don't know what I did but almost every muscle in my body hurts. My back especially. I really need a masseuse. Or at least someone with good hands.
I was tinkering around on my computer earlier. I found tons of old e-mails I didn't realize I had on my system. It's funny to look back to 1998 and remember where I was and how far I've come. I think I've pretty much eclipsed my old personality.
Yours in nostalgia knee deep,
C a Girl
October 31, 2:27 PM
I'm pissed off is what I am. My academic advisor made me feel about 3 feet tall only an hour and a half ago and I'm still working off the anger. I wanted to break something, but I played some video games instead. I didn't do too well. Then I screwed with my computer for a bit. It's being cranky because I am. ERGH. Random half growled noises of habitual unreleased anger. I shouldn't let this ruin my samhain.
Yours and banging around to nine inch nails,
C a Girl
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