November 2001
November 1, 2:30 AM
Ahhhhhhhhhhh. Sigh. Relief. Anger abated and thrushed out of my system by some much needed partying. I grooved, I bopped and I dirty-danced my way to feeling better. And now I must sleep. Thank you Buddah (and the Faerie King for inspiring me to live through all my emotions).
Yours,
C a Girl
November 2, 1:40 AM
Exhaustion is beginning to take its toll and the weekend hasn't even begun. I don't know exactly how to feel or where to go at this point. The stress is piling up at my door like ignored letters. I'm trying to graduate for may (on time was the impossible dream about last spring). I'm trying not to panic about my life. It's starting already and I need to find a job and a place to live and ahhhhhhhhh. See what I mean, it all starts to spin out of control. I'm trying to keep it simple (today's lesson), but it's not that simple! Irony. I love it.
In the meantime I think I need a bath. And there are no bathtubs in the dorms here at Plattsburgh. At least none that I'd bathe in.
Yours and covered in a delicious blanket of tension,
C a Girl
November 3, 2:41 PM
Doing better. I followed Sanjaya's advice and I took some me-time. It worked. However I didn't sleep so well last night. Well, I slept, but not for long. I didn't go to bed until really late and I had to get up and work this morning. And it was one of those stupid days where you don't really get anything accomplished. At least I'm starting to act more like myself.
I am a little all over the place today. I have to go back to work at 6:30 and I'm just biding my time by playing computer games. Maybe I'll watch a movie. I haven't done that in a while.
Yours,
C a Girl
November 6, 2:08 AM
Getting ready to go to bed. This weekend was actually fun. The strike call I had to work was wonderful. We hung out at Meg's for awhile. The only stress I have now is the one acts. I swear, sometimes I only schedule too much for myself because I'm a glutton for punishment.
I tackled two lessons in one this weekend. Awareness and acceptance. The first part is done, the second I'm still working on. It is awfully difficult to accept things in my life at this moment. I accept responsibility for most things and at the same time I accept that some things are totally out of my control. Cliche moment: you can't win them all.
Yours in fits of muscle spasms,
C a Girl
November 7, 4:12 AM
Another restless night. Another paper that hasn't been finished yet.
I had a day that started off okay, took an awful turn for the bad and then did a complete u-turn for the good. I would like sometime a bit of peace or at least an ordinary, typical day. I would appreciate a mundane life. All the same the intuition thing is working for me. I'm getting mad vibes about people and I'm starting to sense things before they happen. My wish is starting to come true and I'm gaining some control over the things I know. College is still a big heap of stess located in my lower back, but everything else is ok. I just have to keep on keeping on.
Yours and trying to live a life more ordinary,
C a Girl
November 9, 12:33 PM
My Alexander Technique class is astounding. I'm learning all sorts of little things that I do that cause back and neck pain. I'm slowly starting to correct them, but once I get in the correct position I'm afraid to move. I'm scared I'll knock something out of alignment. It's something I would suggest anyone should try and learn.
I'm heading to Vassar in a few hours to see my girl Erin in "The Rocky Horror Picture Show." I'm very excited. I think it's going to be amazing and Erin is going to be beautiful. I'm also working on another show that I'm in next week. The CTA night of one acts. I'm playing a 16 year old who thinks her family is crazy. That's a stretch, huh?
Yours and trying really hard not to suck,
C a Girl
November 12, 3:19 AM
Big surprise, I'm up at 3 o'clock in the morning. My sleeping habits have been on a downward spiral. I don't want to stay up all night, but if I go to bed I'm not sure I'll get up.
Rocky Horror was stunning. Sarah and I had tons of fun, getting lost and driving up bike paths. We even got pulled over and patted down on the way home. How much fun is that? It was good to see Erin again in her own environment. Vassar is gorgeous. And the girls... They were wearing pleather and had whips. Oh my god I creamed my sequined skirt. I love girls in high heels with goth pink and purple pigtails and whips. I just wanted to spank them and get spanked in return.
Wow, that was honest.
Yours and still very horny,
C a Girl
November 13, 4:11 AM
I spent a great day with Jimmy and Brian Spring. We bought advanced tickets for Harry Potter on Friday and Brian got an air hockey table. After rehearsal (which sucked, I'll leave it at that) I went back to his apartment and we ended up playing hockey and chatting until 1:30 in the morning. And I'm too happy now to waste it on sleep. It's been rare that I've had a good reason to smile and I would like to spend those joyous hours while conscious.
Yours in fits of giggles and it's fucking cold up here,
C a Girl
November 14, 5:20 PM
Waiting for my suitemates to go to dinner. Taking pause in a day that's been filled with mood swings. I've been seriously bi-polar today. One minute I'd be laughing hysterically and making an ass out of myself with Annie and the next I'd be bitching about Tree or Michelle or anyone that's pissed me off recently. Doesn't take much.
I'm sort of depressed, but I don't really have a reason to be. It's one of those things that I try to rationalize. But you can't rationalize this sort of thing. I'm just kind of sad. A little melancholy. But then suddenly someone will do something stupid or silly to make me smile or giggle. After a while the minute joy dissipates though. It's not something you can bottle and save for a bad day.
Yours and trying to figure out where to go next,
C a Girl
November 16, 1:07 PM
Happy Harry Potter Day. I'm going to see the movie at 3:20 and until then I just have to figure out a way to sneak out of class early. I'm in a much better mood than yesterday. I didn't even write an entry because I was so pissed off. I was just having an all around bad day. Today is much better. Today is Friday. Today is Harry Potter Day.
Yours,
C a Girl
November 16, 10:38 PM
I liked Harry Potter very very much. Some people didn't like it because it wasn't exactly like the book, but I didn't expect it to be so I enjoyed it a lot. It was very entertaining and I wasn't bored for even a moment. I can't even wait until "The Lord of the Rings" comes out. I'll go to see it on Christmas Day.
Yours and enjoying the movies a lot,
C a Girl
November 17, 4:27 PM
I just got in from a night of partying! Not wild, crazy, naked, drunken, bacchanal sort of partying. More like drinky, drinky, play some darts, drink some more and then eat bad pizza outside in 20 degree weather. It was wonderful and then we walked to Dan's house for a brief respite from the cold to play some wild air hockey. Amanda Hess thrashed us all and Tree fell asleep. I also saw Kyle Valentine whom I haven't seen in forever and a kid from my high school, Ben. Oh, and Sanjaya did this great nibble on my neck thing that made me giggle like a school girl and blush in places I didn't know you could blush in.
It's amazing what a little air hockey and a couple rounds of drinks can to do to boost your morale.
Yours in much better spirits,
C a Girl
November 26, 2:02 AM
I haven't written in awhile and there's good reason for it. I've been away. I was working all break and didn't have access to my computer. And I forgot. I forgot to write.
Since then a lot has happened actually. I watched a meteor shower. I've decided to observe Ramadan (30 days of fasting while the sun is up). I've worked on the Nutcracker ballet by the North Country Ballet Ensemble. I went home and visited my parents for Thanksgiving. I met my brother's new girl-friend. They make out all the time on the couch and it doesn't occur to my mom to ask them to behave. I've been quasi-living with Jim during the show since the dorms are closed. It's funny. We go home, watch "Cowboy Bebop" and eat corn-dogs. I also bought a new book, "Grimms' Fairy Tales." All in all it's been a busy week and this week is going to be all the more busy.
I apologize to you for not keeping up to date and I apologize to myself for not writing down my whacked-out daily journeys.
On to the next chapter,
C a Girl
November 28, 3:52 AM
And I ask myself, why am I still up?
I've been sick, sinus trouble that started acting up Monday afternoon. I'm getting towards better. I can breathe now, but my voice is crackly. I keep getting bug bites on my legs and arms. I think there may be a spider in my room. And I'm simply too lazy to sleep. Does that make any sense? I could've taken ten naps today because I was so tired, but I thought if I stayed up I'd be able to fall asleep sooner. But here I am, still restless and barely able to keep my eyes open.
You think I'd just fall into bed, wrap up in my binky and pass out. But no, not me. I'm watching "The Boy in the Plastic Bubble."
Yours and praying for an end to a day that just won't,
C a Girl
November 28, 3:42 PM
It's amazing how much can change in 12 hours.
I was freaking out yesterday and much of today. I wasn't sure this toga party that I'm organizing was really going to come together. But today I busted my ass for three straight hours and got papers signed and turned in (SUNY red-tape bullshit), posters hung and e-mail sent. The next step is decoration and I can't do that until Friday after all the classes are finished. Sigh, relief, sigh.
Yours and happily resting,
C a Girl
November 30, 1:23 AM
And it's amazing how stupid I get over the little stupid things.
I had another wonderful talk with Sanjaya. Something about him allows me to confide completely with him. He always listens attentively and helps me to see things from an objective stand point. I treasure him dearly as one of the best people to have met this semester. I'm encouraged to be more true to my feelings, but I'm having a hard time with that just yet. There are certain people to whom I don't want to admit the true depth of my emotions. Not just yet. It's almost too scary. Not scary that they might not regard me the same way, but more scary that they might. I'm scared of the possibilities and the implications they hold. We shall see.
Yours and learning to slide,
C a Girl
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