May 2002
May 1, 3:55 AM
It's Beltaine but I'm not celebrating. I'm not sure why, I just don't feel it this year. With all the odd weather and the bad juju since the quake I just can't break out of my funk. Maybe next year.
In the meantime I'm trying to get my ass back on track.
C a Girl
May 3, 3:26 AM
Colin Rust and I had a moment. I got to know him a bit some time ago. We've been on and off friends, seeing each other when we work together. He's easy to work with and easy to talk to, but you never know what the hell is going on in his head. We've always been nice to each other. At work during the spring concert we somehow ended up on several little projects together. He was friendly and slightly more talkative than usual; he's a tad on the stoic side. He said something charming or clever and I was in a good mood so I opened my arms to him, waiting for him to hug me. He's not one of those guys you can just grab, he has this aura that screams "DON'T TOUCH ME'. Michelle was standing there and I think did the first useful thing she's ever done for me. She said "Colin, I think she wants a hug." Colin gave me this look of "huh, oh, ok." He embraced me in this awkward kind of way (he's really tall and since he's not easily given to affection I don't think he hugs often). I squeezed him back with my whole body. My arms were tingling. My head spun a little. WHOA, hold the phone. It's just Colin. He's not bad looking, but he's no dream-boat. He's not a guy I typically swoon over. Although he does tell great dead-baby jokes and how could I not go for that? But anyway. After we separated he smiled and said something along the lines of "You should take that as a compliment, it means a lot when I hug someone." Of course I took it as a great compliment. I took it to mean that he enjoys my company and considers me a friend. But I still feel weird and I can't get him out of my head now. Ergh. Why am I such a horomonal hussy?
C a Girl
May 6, 9:40 PM
A true friend will buy you tampons.
That being said... I went swimming with Tiffaney and got some issues of my chest that have been on there for awhile. Namely how in the hell the little mermaid swims with only one fin. But we got it all figured out and I'm feeling much better about it. I'm a little worried about the end of the semester, but I figure everything that's meant to fall into place will. And the shit that doesn't fall into place will probably blow up in my face, which I suppose is just as well. Sigh... Back to reality...
C a Girl
May 8, 4:14 PM
I had a good night last night. I saw Andrew and we chatted for a bit. Tiff, Larissa and I hung out on the steps in Myers, cracking up laughing. I worked out a few of my issues. At least I hope I did.
I went to bed early but I still slept in late. I had some really strange dreams. Most had a theme of hiding, one because I was like some angel/alien that the government was trying to find (or some agency the like thereof). The other was something about hiding and actually being afraid of being found, but I don't remember as much about that one. In both of them I was different for some reason. The first had this weird airport to get into space and there were swimming pools everywhere. I guess most importantly I wasn't really scared of being discovered, I just kept hiding. I will ponder these and decide what they mean later. In the meanwhile I have to finish some much overdo work.
C a Girl
May 10, 4:25 AM
Can't sleep, reading a really great book. Two suggestions to live by:
If you don't know a word look it up. Not only does it improve your vocabulary but it makes an excellent impression when use your new words at Scrabble and kick ass. Don't have a dictionary? Try Merriam-Webster online.
Always try and find new music for yourself. Lots of folks have tunes recommended by friends, but in the age of online mp3's and all that business it doesn't hurt to download something new and try it out. Worst comes to worst you can just delete it if it's crap. My newest find= "Monday Michiru" a jazzy group with an intensly smooth female vocalist. I found them purely by accident, but it was definately an accident I don't regret. Favorite songs from them: "Chasing After the Sun," "Comfort of Strangers," "Jazz Brat," and "You Make Me." I found them on audiogalaxy.
C a Girl
May 11, 12:28 PM
Wow. I will forever on trust my intuition about people. Tingling arms do mean something. Something really wonderful.
And at the same time I'm testing the limits of myself. I am closer to the path now than I was 48 hours ago. I have many roads to choose from, but it seems that there are slighter fewer than there were a few days ago. That's a good thing, considering how indecisive I am. I'm on that portion of road right before a major life decision and I have that mild confusion and look of terror that many deer crossing the highway at night must have. Let's just hope the 18 wheeler of love doesn't rear its ugly head and bite me on the ass; as of now we are traveling in congruence but that could change. You know what? Fuck it, I'm throwing caution to the wind. My eyes are open, my heart is free and I feel amazing!
C a Girl
May 14, 11:15 PM
Oi vey!
Eighteen wheeler of love indeed. So the something wonderful is continuing on my end, but I'm not sure how he (the gentleman who started all this weak kneed, giggly girl stuff) feels about it. Ergh, I hate it when I get all stupid girl, but something about this one makes me swoon. He's more fucked up than I am and I can totally appreciate that. I think I've met my match. He leaves me antsy and speechless. I get this tightening in my chest when he's near. I don't think I've ever felt this way. Oh boy. For now I'm trying to keep myself from jumping on his lap and going to town. Um, on that note...
Oh, I finished that book, it was excellent: "The River King" by Alice somebody-or-other. Good read. It had this happy/sad ending that I really liked. It mixed real with surreal and tugged at my heart when I least expected. Night,
C a Girl
May 16, 2:20 PM
Shakespeare final this morning was interesting. I think I did well, but both of my essays had the same thesis. Basically: Shakespeare is great! Um, I don't know how well that will go over. Ah well.
The change that's been bubbling for months now is at last here. I think the world is beginning to quiet some and I feel it's finally safe enough to venture into a little tarot again. I even read my runes last night. They had some interesting things to say the least. I'll tell you sometime when you're older.
C a Girl
May 19, 5:35 PM
School is over. Campus is empty. Somehow, I'm still here. It's sort of quiet and just a little bit unsettling. To think, 24 hours ago this building was filled with people laughing, packing, crying and breathing. It's almost all empty with maybe 10 other people scattered about like seagulls on the beach.
So that feeling that the entanglement isn't over between Captain Cheifly and I is still persisting. I saw him yesterday and for a little while I felt that things were beginning to settle and I wouldn't fall in love. And then we started talking philosphy again. All that swooning and mooning over him came right back. He leaves me in a weak-kneed, slack-jawed state and I can't handle it. I'd like to tell him how I feel, but I'm not sure I'm ready for the implications.
Speaking of telling people my feelings. I had a very peculiar dream about Graves (the person not the object). He was sitting to my left and gazing out of an open window that we were resting in. I was slightly behind him, very close. I poured my heart out to him, all the repressed feelings. I told him that he was my guiding star. I started to cry and he didn't ever look at me. He let me hold him. He didn't speak, but I had the feeling that he was processing my spill of affection for him. I think in real life he already knows how I feel for him, but he refuses to let me in. Simply because that's his way. I can't begrudge him that.
C a Girl
May 20, 10:08 PM
I had yet another unprompted dream about Graves. I'm beginning to wonder why. This time he was at the end of the street and I was walking towards him. He couldn't see me and he was talking to a couple of different girls, making idle conversation. I called out his name, but he couldn't hear me. I awoke thinking how weird that was. I'm not sure if I should contact him or sit tight and see if I have another dream.
Go see Star Wars: episode 2. It's fantabulous. And Anakin Skywalker is so darn cute.
C a Girl
May 28, 1:53 PM
I commandeered techie Ben's computer for the time being. I'm truly enjoying the new apartment. I've been hanging out with Jimmy and Tree alot. I'm in the process of finding a secondary job to fill in the blank hours where I have nothing else to do. Things are pretty good so far.
I haven't spoken with Steve or Rust yet. Something tells me the two have more in common than meets the average eye. In any case, I'm laying low and hanging out. Things will fall where they may whether or not I have anything say about it. Love,
C a Girl