March 2002
March 1, 12:01 AM
Sometimes, the hardest thing to do is realize what you've been hiding from yourself.
I am well versed in the art of telling myself that my thoughts don't always mean something. My silly daydreams don't always pan out into emotions. For some reason though, this one has. I can't account it to newness, or just getting to you know excitment. Nope, it's not that. It's something else all together. It's the tingly feeling you get when you know you're falling for someone. It's the denial when you know you shouldn't be falling for them. It's the exasperation with yourself because you just can't bring yourself to tell them. It's the loneliness that sets in when you think maybe this person doesn't feel anything back. It's the confusion of getting a stupid juvenile crush on a dear friend.
"Only in dreams. You see what it means. Reach out our hands, hold onto hers. But when we wake, it's all been erased. And so it seems, only in dreams..." Weezer
C a Girl
March 1, 5:04 PM
I allowed myself a sleep-in morning. I really needed the extra snoozels. I mailed out my application for the Stratford conservatory this afternoon. It was a little nervous making. I'm not expecting anything but at the same time it's a significant event of my life. I'm taking charge finally and making destiny instead of letting it happen to me.
C a Girl
March 2, 8:38 AM
I am readying myself for the Pendragon auditions. Last night was very restless. I had this very peculiar dream wherein I was riding this bicycle and this cute little dog bit me. He was biting my left shoulder, near the armpit and he had a nasty grip. I woke up and bumped that shoulder when I woke up, it hurt like hell. When I was reciting my monologue this morning I had it as near to perfect as I can get it. Last night I was fumble, fumble, fumble but this morning it was right on. Wish me luck...
C a Girl
March 2, 5:21 PM
I finished the audition in one piece. And it was excellent. The dancing was sexy and fun. My singing was on. I had trouble with the accompianist, but my voice was solid. The reading audition was one of my best. If I don't get a part it will be based more on what parts they have available and not at all on my ability. I ruled. Cross your fingers for me, I should get a call on Tuesday or Wednesday.
C a Girl
March 4, 5:11 PM
I'm having trouble sleeping again. I'm not too worried though, I think it might just be anxiety over the auditions and the one acts and all that's going on right now. But there's something else.
I'm fairly certain I've never made mention of this in the diary, so please give me a moment to explain. Sometimes I get these nasty stomachaches. It's not like I haven't eaten and I'm hungry or that there's something wrong with my digestive system. It's anxiety induced. They usually come during a period of heightened sesitivity to what the universe is telling me, if that makes any sense. I've been feeling more connected with the "other side" if you will and my intuition tells me that something is going to happen. I had one of those tummy aches the other day and I've been getting tiny little ones to remind me that the something bad it's warning me about hasn't happened yet. I didn't leave the house today and slept in for that main reason. Somethings don't have to be faced and I'm hoping this is one of them. I've only ever had three other stomachahes likes this. One when my boyfriend and I were about to have a nasty break-up. One when a friend of mine was being molested and I could do nothing to stop it. Another when I was a sophomore and I didn't leave my room that day. Nothing happened, but I think it's because I heeded the urge to stay indoors.
Other than that I'm ok. My head is a little stuffy; I feel a sinus coming on. I feel pretty good about where I am in life. I'm starting to feel beautiful for myself. Catch you on the flip side,
C a Girl
March 5, 2:14 AM
Today, or rather yesterday as it were was a day for revelations.
I realized that I'm a better person than I think I am. I was talking with K.C. mostly about what's been going on with some of our suitemates lately. I don't want to hate anyone, but some people make it really easy. Yet, even though I dislike someone I still can't wish them ill will. I want everyone to suceed and have the best of luck. I just can't understand why anyone would want to drag down their fellow humans. I think that if bad people really realized they were doing bad things then they wouldn't want to be bad anymore. At least that's my hope. At the same time I realize that most people don't know that they're doing bad things. However I am certain that they will reap the fruits of their behavior.
Much beyond that I realized my need for self-respect. At the crew meeting (my job: we have meetings to set up who can work what gig and so on) Barry (our boss) asked for people to be TD (technical director: someone who has more responsibility on a certain job) for different calls (jobs, gigs). Most people never raised their hand once whether because lack of experience or desire. Some people raised their hand for certain calls, some group they wanted to work with or something easier they felt they could handle. I raised my hand for every job, something no one else did. I felt that every job was somewhat the same, and I offered to do payroll for the big concert at the end of the semester. I didn't do it for the respect of my peers or my boss. I did it for my own self respect. It's time I stopped being told what to do and started using my own faculties: my talent, my brain and my passion to take charge and be in command. It's time I started taking on more responsibility and acting in a proffesional manner. Here goes nothing.
In regards to my negative feelings earlier, they have mostly disappeared, there are some residual things hanging around, but I think that whatever bad was going to happen may have passed by. In an unrelated story someone was found near death in a bathroom in the Kehoe building here on campus. How they died, I'm not sure. Who they were I don't even know. He was pronounced dead at the hospital. Weird.
In other news, I think I learned something else valuable today. I'm also a lot smarter than I think. My doubts and feelings have been leading me to not tell the person I am "liking" right now that I like them. There's a reason for it. #1. I'm not really ready for a new relationship. I know, it's been an entire year, but I just think I'm a better person when I'm single. #2. I LIKE being single. It's weird. Sometimes I whine and get lonely, but I do enjoy being single. #3. He's too immature for me. He's a great guy, funny, talented and attractive, but he's very young and he acts it. Which is as it should be.
Sweet dreams,
C a Girl
March 6, 2:07 AM
Had another wonderful almost all night talk with Tiffaney and K.C. We laughed until it hurt and then we laughed some more. And I wonder why my sleeping patterns are fucked up.
I should take my own advice. I talked alot today and one of the things I said is that we should just stop holding back and do what we want to do. I still can't decide if I want to tell Special Friend #1 (the fellow I've taken a liking to) that I actually am very attracted to him. I was wrong by calling him immature yesterday. Well, he is, but he has depth as well. Sometimes he acts like a kid and sometimes he's very adult, deeper than you'd think. Sort of like how I can be.
I'm anxious. I kept shivering, couldn't stay warm today. I think it was all the nervous energy and that was my bodies way of dealing with it. I wanted to get the phone call from Pendragon, but I didn't want to be home sitting by the phone all day. I'm glad I had classes to go to and shit to do, because I needed to keep moving. If I didn't I would have freaked out. By the way, I didn't recieve the call yet.
C a Girl
March 7, 2:10 AM
The universe is supremely fucked.
I'm not exactly sure, but it's like I can't function right now. I've done what I can do and people are going to look at it and think what they will. It's not like I didn't fucking try. And if you think you can do better then step up, by all means and prove it. I'm just tired.
K.C.'s right. I think too much. I think too much and worry too much and I never just take things as they are at face value. Because there is something in me that prevents me from just being. I analyze everything and that's one pattern I can't seem to break out of.
My stomach is in knots. I can't concentrate and I'm very jumpy. I can barely eat anymore. If this is what it's like to wait for a phone call and this is what I'm going to be doing for the rest of my life, then I need to figure out a new system. And no, Pendragon still hasn't called (but they haven't called the other girls either).
By the way, I'm TD-ing for two events this semester. I'm kind of excited, but I haven't really had to get my hands dirty yet. I'm still sort of washing my hands with disinfectant dish-washing soap.
Yours until I can figure out what the hell is wrong with me,
C a Girl
March 7, 11:21 PM
I'm feeling a little better today. I think I've decided to just let go and relax, let more shit slide. I let myself have fun. I've also decided to take the delicate approach towards my crush on Special Friend #2 (not the same as Special Friend #1). I'm going to flirt, but in cutesy nicer ways than humping his leg. I'm not sure what to do about Special Friend #1. Ah well. Slide...
C a Girl
March 8, 1:11 AM
One day I'll find someone to scrump on a regular basis and I'll be happy. I just don't think anytime soon...
P.S.- The faeries visited me yesterday night. They were making all kinds of noises while I tried to sleep. I think they were coming to comfort me, but it freaked me right the hell out. However, it did end up working. Good night,
C a Girl
March 8, 2:38 AM
Hel-lo, I had a fucked up dream. In it I was scared of the army and they were amassing on a field next to my room. I snuck off and made sure that my sister was going to take care of my fish. Then Shauna Ackerman picked me up in a big truck (If this isn't the weirdest part of the dream I don't know what is). There was a boy with her and a girl with me, but I didn't recognize either. Then Shauna and I went to the mall shopping for last minute supplies before our trip. I saw Annie and she confessed her love for me, but then she said "I'm married" (which she is in waking life). I told her I loved her too, but I couldn't handle this shit and I left. Shauna and I took off and that's when I woke up.
I'm on the phone with my sister making plans for her spring break. She was mentioning how she always comes up on production weeks. She remembered the last show was "the guy, the girl and the gay guy." I had to think for awhile, but then I realized she was talking about the Jason Borrie show. And then she said it was more like "The gay guy, the girl, and the guy in the closet." She also mentioned that she only comes up for visits "after I get rid of my roommates." Convenient, huh?
C a Girl
March 9, 6:55 PM
Today is sort of off. I dunno. Some people I just don't want to talk to, others I do. I want to smile, but I also want to break something. I want to be left alone; I want to hang out. When did I get so fucking complicated?
C a Girl
March 11, 4:39 PM
Ok, so I've always been that complicated.
Still having trouble sleeping, no surprise. When you dig yourself a hole it's really hard to get out. It's even harder to find the ladder when your hole is pitch black and you don't have a flashlight. Sometimes you get your foot on a rung, but then you slip, fall back in the mud and have to start from scratch. I don't think I've ever left scratch to tell you the truth.
Wild party this weekend. I remember, of course as is the LaFay blessing/curse, everything and I didn't get a hang-over. The price for no headaches and groggies is having perfect memory. I kissed a girl (whose name I refuse to release on grounds of privacy, so don't ask). And I met this most amazing and talented song writer/singer. She wowed me with her lyrics and her gorgeous lilting voice (a cross between the greats Tori Amos, Fiona Apple and a little Natile Merchant for good measure). It sounds really cheeseball, but I don't think I really knew what love at first sight was until I met this girl. Problem, I don't think she swings in my direction. However, I didn't ask. So there is always room for hope. I played in the rain with Eric and Mack. I walked home with Sean, clinging for support. As I told him: "you'll never see me this drunk again, so enjoy it." I had an interesting conversation with someone who used to live in MacDonough when that was my residence. All in all it was a good night. Even the thunderstorm was excellent.
Today has been less than stellar, but hey. I watched a funny comedy program by Ellen Degeneres (I never knew she was that witty). I finished my project for Kim. It looks good; my baby's going to get me an A, or so I hope. I have to go to rehearsal in a little while and we're supposed to be off book (lines memorized). Oh hell no, I'm not ready for that. Ah, sigh. I did clean my room though, and that was a giant accomplishment for the day. There were about 16 varieties of mold spores growing on my pile of dishes and the laundry was up to my chest. One demonic sink (the hot water knob turns all on its own and tries to burn people) and two extra large loads of laundry later and my room is actually livable. I can see my desk top (I had a desk under there? Wow). And yes, I did tell the sink off. "Fuck you demonic sink."
C a Girl
March 12, 4:12 AM
I'm not sleeping. And it's not for lack of trying. It's simply because I can't breath. If I could breath I could fucking sleep, but because I can't breath I can't relax and I can't even shut my stupid eyes. Hello cranky girl, I haven't seen you this raging in awhile.
I've been pondering. Some people don't understand the concept of space. I'm a person who needs lots of it to function. My personal bubble is becoming larger day by day and pretty soon I'll be taking out restraining orders on anyone within ten feet of me. I'm like the cat that can only get affection when she gives it. I approach you, not the other way around. I can understand where this might cause some confusion. If you don't know me well you can't tell my mood and therefore you hug me too damn much. I will initiate the huggings thank you. The same will apply in reverse if you'd like.
I've also been thinking that this joy-ride called life is a hole of shit. I mean, really. You are born, you waste your time on existential "are we really here" drivel, depression, and dependencies (drugs, sex, religion, unhealthy relationships) and then you die. What happens after that no one knows, which makes me think that nothing happens. Nothing is greater than everything, if you think about it long enough. So why do we worry? Why do we bother with morals? The next guy is just going to fleece you somehow. Someone will step on you, trip you up, hurt you, break you, steal your faith and shove his down your throat. Why not do it back? Not that I'm suggesting this kind of shitty behavior; I've been a good samaritan my whole life.
I just question why. There is no reward for being a good person. There isn't really a happy bubbly feeling inside when I help someone. Maybe I was born without the happy do-gooder gene. I only help people because I have this sick desperation to be liked. For some reason the cock-eyed idea that people would like me if I was helpful kind of got stuck in my head. And yes, while some people do like me because I'm a nice person, some people hate me because I'm a nice person. Why, I don't know, but they do. Which I think leads to my intense dislike of most of the human race. A bunch of fucking crabs trying to get out of the bucket and not a single one will give the other a claw up. If I promise to stop dragging myself down will you promise to do the same? Maybe, if we work together we can get out of the shitty position we've put ourselves in. HELLO WORLD: STOP DRAGGING YOURSELF DOWN!
Hmm. That sounded vaguely like hope.
C a Girl
March 12, 9:34 AM
I'm still awake, although now I'm shuddering from the two cups of coffee laced hot cocoa I drank this morning. I have a mild allergy and low tolerance for caffeine. I made it through the most boring Shakespeare class to date. Of course, I say a lot in class just to stay awake and I don't bother to raise my hand anymore. Why bother, no one else talks. I just kept thinking to myself if I have to sit through one more lecture like this I'm going to poke my eye out with my pencil. And I kept scribbling in my notebook such things like "Caffeine is no goddamn good" or "I need to sleep" and "Fidgeting will not help me bleed" Not sure what part of my brain that last one came out of.
C a Girl
March 12, 12:25 PM
As long as I keep moving, I'll be ok. Otherwise I'm going to crash.
C a Girl
March 13, 5:43 PM
"You may ask yourself, how did I get here?" The Talking Heads
Apparantly, even though they haven't officially called me and Zoey said we didn't get any parts, Pendragon loved me. Which is good, because they might consider me for parts in the future. I got an e-mail from Steve. Sort of surprising, though I shouldn't be surprised. He always e-mails me just as I'm giving up hope that he still knows I'm alive. All in all, it's been a decent day.
C a Girl
March 15, 11:23 PM
As my brother would say "Pimpin' ain't easy."
I had another audition today; it went well, but I have so many schedule conflicts with their rehearsals that I doubt they would cast me. Ah well, chalk it up to experience and leave it at that.
The faeries visited again. This time they sat on my feet while I was trying to get to sleep. There was a little tiny one I called "Brownie" and he was dancing all up and down my legs. It was peculiar because I felt the blankets shift and then there was pressure, light but firm on my calves. They played for awhile and then they left as I was falling asleep.
I'm leaving for spring break in a little while. I'm going to chill at home with my mom and dad, sis and bro. I think it'll be fun. But I have a shite load of school work to do as well. That being said I won't be writing for awhile, but I'm sure I'll have one of two entries when I come back (a) a long and exciting narrative about my terrific vacation or (b) a short explanation that my vacation was most boring and sucky. Enjoy.
C a Girl
March 24, 5:03 PM
It was a relaxing break. I slept in almost everyday, except Friday since I subbed for a junior high french teacher. I sent two kids to the office and raised my voice more than once, but it wasn't a completely awful day. I played "Tony Hawk: Pro skater" until my fingers ached and then I learned how to knit. I'm working on my first headband now. I was going to do a scarf, but I don't have enough patience to finish a long row. I watched my sister in a show. She was cute, but she came home looking like a french whore. I got a part in that show I auditioned for. It's small, but the director was really enthusiastic, he says I'm the comic relief of the show. It's in Lake Placid, so I'm going to have trouble getting to rehearsals but I figure if I want it enough I will figure out how to get there. Mom and I got along very well this week, which was slightly unusual but nice. Dave made out with his girlfriend. Becky and I made funny faces at each other. And Dad kept saying how much he couldn't wait for me to go back to school. Ahhhhhhhhhhhh. How better to spend my vacation? Now I'm going to veg out and watch the Academy Awards. Have a good one.
C a Girl
March 27, 2:07 AM
I just had some excellent wind down time with K.C. after work and I'm about to go to bed. Something about being able to babble for two hours after a long, hard day of work makes being me so much easier. I have so much on my mind I'm not even sure where to begin.
The basic run down:
1) Technical director is a pain in the ass, sweating my balls off, running around panicky for 3 hours kind of job. I haven't decided if I like it or not yet, but I think Barry (the boss man) was pleased with my efforts.
2) The ex-fiance sent me an e-mail earlier this afternoon (technically speaking yesterday). I scanned the bulk, and instantly closed my browser. It seemed to have some nice, "hey how you doing?" sentiment, but I wasn't really in the mood or frame of mind to re-visit the past. I shall read it later today after I sleep for 8 or so hours.
3) I am so bogged down with school work and work work and play work that I'm not sure who I am any more. I don't really have a lot of time to do the regular self-psycho analysis I usually thrive off from. That being said, I'm also somewhat unavailable, so I think most of my friends will be reading the diary to figure out what's up with me since I'm too busy to tell them myself.
4) I need to find a way to Lake Placid for play rehearsal, and then I need to find a way back to Plattsburgh for school the next day. My my, this will be fun.
5) In any case, I think I'm most comfortable when I have lots of busy work to do, so I'm glad to be working a lot right now. It keeps me from being idle, which is something I enjoy far too much. That's sort of why I'm learning to knit. Even while I'm vegging I'm still doing something productive. I haven't found that it's as relaxing as some people say it is though.
Breath C, everything is good and all that is not WILL fall into place and be good in the end. Good night, sleep tight, and don't let your mom bite...
C a Girl
March 27, 5:09 PM
Lesson One for today: never wash your hair in the demon sink.
C a Girl
March 27, 7:01 PM
Lesson Two for today: when all else fails, take drugs.
C a Girl
March 27, 10:49 PM
Lesson Three for today: always bring underwear to the pool.
C a Girl
March 29, 5:37 AM
Some of the best things in life are free, like a beautiful sunset that just takes your breath away and chokes you near to tears. This morning was one of those glorious ones, where I'm tired as hell but I feel beautiful and able to accomplish anything.
The moon was full from the view in my window, shrouded delicately behind shreds of blue-grey cloud. From the suite lounge you could see the sunrise, brilliant pink bouncing off the deep, dark clouds. It crept over the side of the low, gorgeous blue Adirondack mountains, sparkling promise on the surface of Lake Champlain and the Saranac river. All of this just from the 9th floor view. It caught my breath in my throat and I couldn't move or speak or do anything but gaze in wonder of the amazing miracle each day presents us with.
I am perhaps, one of the more cynical people I know. I am perhaps, one of the more lazy people I know. But I will take this opportunity, this day that this beautiful earth has presented me with and do something with it. Instead of wishing or hoping for a chance, I will make one. Instead of wishing my life were something else, I will take what I have and make it what I want.
Have an absolutely fabulous day, because I intend to fully.
C a Girl
March 30, 6:59 PM
I had such a good night last night and it's all thanks to Tony Scarboni. We hung out, watched bad TV and M2, giggled, talked, tickled, and I rubbed his head (not that one you gutterminds)! It was fabulous. I haven't had that much male positive fun in a long time. I need to hang out with my guy friends much more often.
C a Girl
March 31, 11:39 PM
Things have gone from interesting to more interesting.
This evening I had a date. I had asked someone to go to the Sunday movie with me, but he didn't really give me an answer. I wasn't planning on going to the movie in this case, but Tiffaney asked me if I wanted to go. Then later on, after my nap Stacey asked if I wanted to go to the pool for swimming. I decided to go, since I really didn't have anything else to do and I figured I would leave from there and meet Tiff at the theatre. The boys from suite 93 came with us for swimming and one in particular was very flirty with me. His name is Z and he's terrific. So on the way to the movie he asked if I would be his date. I said sure and we sat together. Let's just say there was some nice hand holding and we walking home arm in arm, chatting quietly. There was no good night kiss, but it was an awkward situation with all the other people who were with us. He whispered in my ear; "I'll see you tomorrow."
You certainly will...
C a Girl