July 2002
July 9, 9:54 AM
Surprised that I'm awake? So am I to tell you the truth. I haven't written in a while and Sanjaya reminded me. As one of my regular fans he's probably disappointed that I don't write more.
I'll probably just leave June and July bunched together for ahwile. I don't have the patience to sort out this whole mess. I don't like typing on a computer that isn't my own. The keyboard just doesn't have the same feel to it.
I was going to share a really nifty piece of writing I did the other day but I left it at home. I might be back later, so I may still add it to the page. It was about anger and apathy and how I deal with both. Interestingly enough that seems to be my only problem right now (emotionally speaking). Financially I'm taking a hit, but hey, there's always mom and dad. I hate to have to bug them for money, but sometimes you need to know when to say when.
Everything else is smooth as smooth can be. I'm definately getting an "A" in sociology. I rocked the casbah in that class and met some new and interesting people that hopefully I'll see around. Colin and I have been hanging out sporadically. He seems to enjoy my company, but there are massive scheduling difficulties. He's working, I'm taking mad classes. No time in between to really meet and chat about what I'd really like to tell him.
There have been some hiccups in the household, but nothing I'd really like to deal with officially as of now. Hair in the drain and whatnot. The little shit that you can let slide only so much. I have to say though, I really like living with Jenna. Suite life is one thing, an apartment completely something else. She's funny, friendly, sweet and super polite. I admire all of those qualities in my fellow human beings. It's just extra nice to get them all in the form of one housemate. As for me, I'm learning a lot about what it's going to take for me to live on my own and how I'll be able to deal with that. I'm not doing bad at all, better actually than I thought I would. I'm actually a pretty good housekeeper. I sort of like washing dishes.
Don't tell mom I said so. Until next time,
C a Girl
July 11, 9:20 AM
I lied about coming back to type some more. It's so hard to get back out of the house once I go home for the afternoon. Something about not wanting to come back out and do work or maybe just the walk over here. It's stupid, I know.
I'm actually doing kind of ok on the getting out of bed and going to class or doing stuff thing. However I'm exhausted. Sigh. Anyway, as promised my thoughts on anger and apathy:
"I think the two main emotions I go through are anger and apathy. I'm either passionate enough about something to be pissed off about it or I simply don't care. Sometimes the anger subsides into the apathy, mellowing out to a state of nonchalance. I try to let the anger slide away quickly, but I'm not sure that total lack of care is really the way to go either. Sometimes I'm so ambivalent I can't make up my mind. I'm tugged between the two extremes so that my little body is all stretched out.
"I try to calm myself. I try zen-knitting, zen-dish-washing, zen-obsessive-compulsive-cleaning. I try to find my calm center of the universe to cozy up to. Sometimes it works. Sometimes I find an escape route from the anger. I let shit slide. I promise myself that: I will stop and let it go. Many times this is successful. I avoid conflict and create something in the process. I create a better person in myself.
"Sometimes though "the shit must hit the fan." It is on these rare occassions that I feel terribly sorry for the person on the other side of that mythical fan. Sometimes conflict must be dealt with by conflict. It's like firemen who fight fire with fire. Except that I'm fighting anger with angry words.
"When a situation calls to be dealt with you have only one thing to do. Deal with it. Whether or not you want to. Whether or not you care to. You must. It's situations like these that I hate. I don't deal well with my anger and I'm trying to find a way to live through it. To survive it and become better for it. Everything I do is me striving to become a better person.
"I think if I can conquer this anger thing then I can do just that."
As my brother would say: "Did you ever notice success begins with "suck." Or: "I will call the police and break every-fucking-thing in this room." He was screaming another juicy catch phrase while I was talking to my mother on the phone last night, but it has slipped from my memory momentarily. Ah the wisdom of the young. Ciao for now,
C a Girl
P.S.- I realize neither of these Dave quotes would seem entirely funny to you because you have no context to put it in. I'm not exactly sure about the success thing, but he was screaming it so loudly my mom couldn't even hear me talking. And of course the second quote is a boys-camp nightmare story about sleeping and being tea-bagged by the other campers (or rather tea-bagging them unbeknownst to you while you were sleeping). Which makes me think of Mike Rispoli (the while you were sleeping bit) and since I got drunk with him once at the Naked Turtle (he's a PSU alum for those of you who don't know and he's been in all kinds of movies, he usually plays a stereotypical Italian cop or mob-man-gangster, "while you were sleeping" being a movie that he was in as the downstairs neighbor who wants to bone Sandra Bullock (come one, who doesn't want to bone Sandra Bullock?)) this is making me laugh all that much harder.
July 18, 9:44 AM
Don't have long to type, must go to work.
I think I'm losing my mind. My sleeping has been really off, I've been terribly cranky and I have had about 4 times the usual deja-vu I get in a week. Perhaps it's a meltdown, simply imminent. Perhaps I just need to take more naps and drink less coffee (yes, I'm back chasing that damn caffeine dragon). And of course the living situation is not helping. I decided to make a rough draft of house rules (next time I live with someone we're getting them out of the way before we move in). I have come to the conclusion that unless you deal with the situation immediately and as diplomatically as humanly possible then it will just spiral out of control. Multiply that spiralling by my irrational temperment (thanks for the genetics mom) and that's about where things stand right now. I'm questioning if certain friendships are even valuable enough to save. I just can't understand where things went wrong and the truth is I don't care enough to figure it out. I just want to move on and start my life without the bullshit of having to live with other people. I guess I'm just better suited to hermetic living.
And that's all I really have time to complain about. As for everything else though, it's actually going pretty well. When I get home I'm going to do some more of that zen-house-cleaning. I'm telling you I'm cracking at the seams. I never used to like cleaning and now I can't get enough of it. BAH!
C a Girl
July 19, 12:22 PM
Can't decide what kind of mood I'm in. I slept most of the afternoon away yesterday and woke up early this morning (say 3AM) and couldn't get back to sleep. I played the sims for a few hours, did some knitting and tidied up my room a bit. I've been really out of it lately, my head is somewhere high above me in the clouds. And it doesn't show signs of coming back down for a visit anytime soon.
As for everything else it doesn't matter right now. My poor body is demanding my full attention and requires most of my concentration. I need to figure out what's going on with the sleeping problem because it's been magnified lately. I'm either tired or near tired or feeling dizzy (I'm not sure where the vertigo is coming from). Maybe it's the weird circadian rhythm I've gotten into or maybe it's the brief return to caffeinated beverages. In any case I'm having difficulty and that's something I have difficulty getting out of.
When I'm feeling more myself I'll type about something that really matters. Until then: take care and sleep well for me,
C a Girl