February 2002
February 2, 11:28 AM
Well. It was interesting yesterday. I still am getting the feeling that big change is coming. I'm not sure how to prepare for it. I've completely quit the cards. I no longer read tarot for anyone. I'm not sure if it's because I don't want to know what's in them or because I just can't do it anymore. Either way I'm closing up shop, listening to my intuition is a lot more interesting and whole bunches more entertaining.
Two friends of mine are facing a messy break-up and though I haven't taken any sides I've been hanging out more with one of them than the other and trying to help her through this rough spot. I hate romance.
NOTE TO SELF: Tiffaney just braided my hair for me and I promised to make her a cake over spring break and bring it back just for her. I must remember.
Love,
C a Girl
February 2, 6:40 PM
I have just realized something very important that I think I have been neglecting or at least taken for granted.
People need contact. I'm in an exceptionally good mood today. I just tend to be more approachable and a lot giddier when I'm in good spirits. I was practically bouncing down the sidewalk and I decided to conduct a miniature experiment. I was going to share my smile with anyone who looked at me as we walked towards each other down the street. Out of four people I passed three looked up to the most dazzling smiles I've ever given. And all three of them returned my smile in some measure with smiles of their own. One person kept her head down for the whole walk (something I used to do in high school). I think in this way that I have discovered a whole new side of life. People really do need human contact, we need to connect and be connected to.
I tend to take it for granted that I have friends and family and I'm often heard saying that I don't need more friends or that I hate people. And while sometimes it holds true, I don't have a lot of spare time on my hands and I don't have the patience to deal with human idiocy it is also untrue. I don't hate people, I hate crowded places, loud noises and poor public behavior. I do need more friends sometimes. Some new ear to tell my stories too, someone who can't always guess what my next move will be, though I suprise myself sometimes still.
I was reading the old diary this morning. I noticed it was a little more down, a little more hardcore than I think this one has been. Maybe it's because I'm in different places, maybe it's because I've really become a different person.
Ciao for now,
C a Girl
February 4, 1:21 AM
I had call-backs for "Arsenic and Old Lace" today (well yesterday). I dunno. Annie-Laurie and Tiffaney said I did well, but I wasn't really feeling it. The cast list goes up tomorrow and that always makes me nervous. I think that no matter who gets cast though we're all going to celebrate.
I had another excellent chat with Sanjaya. That boy is amazing. He's a good listener and he lets me unload all my crazy head right into his lap. I think I came farther tonight just getting all that stuff out tonight than I have in the entire past year with my "Through the Looking Glass" transformation. I realized tonight that I can do theatre and feel good about it. It's a way of trying to share your vision of the world with other people. It doesn't have to be just stupid entertainment. It can bring something to the audience and make us stronger people.
Well, I'm crossing my fingers and knocking on wood. My lucky sock is falling apart and has two holes in it. People ask me why it's lucky since I lost the other one. I say it's because it is the survivor. It's white with blue stars on it. I dunno, just a lucky left-over from my sock drawer. The sock gods stole the other one in the wash (either that or it was the old panty thief in MacDonough hall switching obsessions).
On that note... Have a good one.
C a Girl
February 4, 1:22 PM
I had an interesting dream just before I woke up. I was in a new house and there was about thirty other people in the house with me (I think it was the theatre family, but there were some small children too). I tend to dream about houses when some change is coming about in my life and I think last night was one of those changes. It had so many new rooms to explore, which is another facet of these house dreams, they always have new rooms to check out. I noticed that some of the rooms couldn't be entered yet, but I feel that they soon will be. There was a really cool closet painted all white and perfectly clean (no skeletons I wonder?). There was a pretty bathroom, but it was cramped. The kitchen was huge and so was the main entrance hall. It was spacious and tiled and lead into the living room without walls between them. Most of the people were in this room and running about, chatting about the great feast we were about to have. John Shout was there. He's the director of "Arsenic and Old Lace." There were papers on the wall with really awful handwriting I could only just make out and pictures of people drawn with a childish hand. It was the cast list. Tom Matthews was definately on it and some boy I didn't know. I was drawn in the corner but it was really blurry and hard to tell what was written around me. I shall check out the cast list in less than a half hour so I'll come back after class to let you know.
But I have to hurry to class now, A girl on the run...
C a Girl
February 6, 12:45 AM
So I got a part. I'm playing Lt. Rooney. John, the director says this part has the most potential to steal the show. I'll try.
I had another house dream. This time I was hired by an older lady, sort of like Cathy Moriarty if she had white hair and less bark + bite. She called me from the upper most room, while I was on the ground level. She told me to follow all the stairs until I got to the top. I kept going through these odd rooms with grey and white coloring. They would slope down in the middle but up again on the other side, leading to the next higher level. There were doors off most of these rooms, but I didn't explore them because she wanted me to go up to her. After three or four of these rooms something scared me and I darted off to the side into a room whose door was cracked. I looked around, it was a small sparsely furnished white room with red roses on end tables here and there and thick red carpeting. There was a tiny red door (sort of like Alice and Wonderland) built into the wall with a golden handle. I could hear the boss coming down the hall and I thought she would be mad if she found me in this room, so I opened the red door and crawled inside. At this point the dream got really messed up and so I forget what happens after this. I kind of remember getting lost in this other world behind the door and having to be rescued by my friends. But that's about it.
I had a nice dinner with Annie-Laurie and Tiffaney today. We went to the mall and did some shopping. We ate chinese and chatted about poons and weird relationships. We went to spencers and looked at "massagers" and "massage oil." We bought chocolate and valentines for ourselves. All in all a good time was had by all.
C a Girl
February 6, 5:49 PM
Trying to write a paper for Shakespeare. My thesis is something about the violence of love and is completely incomplete. So basically I'm writing an entry to procrastinate.
I'm also very drowsy. I took my allegra-d today since I've been a little stuffy. Since I'm normally on just plain allegra the decongestent knocks my ass right out.
I've decided I don't want to wait anymore. I want to get up the courage to tell Mr. A. Waterworks that I love him. I'm sort of waiting on tomorrow, since he goes out on Thursday nights and he always calls to ask if I'm going out too. If he calls again I'm definately going. I'm going to actualize my dreams, grab life by the balls and claim what I desire.
Let's just hope I don't chicken out.
C a Girl
February 7, 1:39 PM
I finished my paper. But that's a typical non-event sort of accomplishment at this point.
I was sorting through my little box of memories and mulling over times past. I found a lock of Josh Martin's long hair, a bracelet my brother had given me long ago, love letters from friends and ex-boyfriends, movie ticket stubs from first dates and such, matching charms that my grandparents used to wear, $.25 rings from vending machines. I added my slew of playing cards. I tend to find them lying around in odd places. 2 of hearts in the studio theatre. 9 of hearts in a bank of snow. A queen of diamonds found on the ground; it has a friend's e-mail address written on it. A king of diamonds, thrown at me during a performance of "The Rocky Horror Picture Show."
Most interesting was a letter that I wrote to myself. Every time I leaf through the pile of memories I stumble across it. I wrote it about a year ago, maybe more. I've read it at least 5 or 6 times and yet every time I do I find something new and surprisingly insightful in it. Here it is: "Dear Me, you are a sexy animal. Don't you dare forget your self worth, since it's the only worth you can take with you. Never give up hope and if you even try to quit, kick yourself square in the nuts! Remember the good times and the bad. You need both to learn anything worthwhile. Work is required to achieve your goals, along with hope, strength and dogged persevrence. Just don't ever enter a spelling bee, Carol. You can't spell. But you can learn and learn you must to survive in this helter skelter world. Life is a bagful of surprises and you wake up each morning never knowing what to expect. Which is how it should be. Remember your life is up to you and your decisions are your own. Love yourself. That's all the pearls of wisdom for now. Love, Me."
I hope you have an excellent afternoon,
C a Girl
February 9, 2:40 AM
Experiencing a sleepless night. Not that I'm unused to them it's just that this one in particular sucks.
I went to the health center today. I have an ear infection the likes of which I've never had before. The antibiotics are kicking in, which I'm thankful for. And the heavy dose of aspirin I took earlier. Annie and Dan stopped by to watch movies with Tree and they all ended up watching the opening ceremonies of the Olympics with me. Talk about cheeseball. However Dan's constant string of jokes had me in stiches. In the end I ate too much popcorn; I'm nauseous.
So K.C. comes in today and was telling me about this conversation she had with Mr. A. Waterworks, whom she saw Thursday when she went out. Which is what I tried to do, but I nearly passed out from the pain in my ear so I headed home early and missed him completely. It took all my courage to keep a pained smile on my face. My heart is breaking and I'm tired of it. I'm just not brave enough to tell him the truth, so I'm going to head home with my tail dragging between my legs. Maybe somehow, someway I can find something else to occupy my thoughts, not that it will be difficult with all the tasks I have ahead for me this semester.
I'm going to sleep in tomorrow and eventually try to tackle the pile of homework piled in my corner. My bedroom is officially Olympic Central for the next 2 weeks. So the TV will almost always be on in the background. I love curling (the sport where people sweep ice with little brooms to make this big stone slide across it into a bullseye). It's kind of neat.
Happy Olympics,
C a Girl
February 9, 10:49 PM
Maybe it's because I'm on antibiotics. Maybe it's because I'm just plain old tired. Maybe it's because of my period. I'm just cranky and oddly sentimental for no particular reason.
I was thinking about Matt Johnston last night. It was weird. I think about him from time to time, but it was different. It was a prolonged look back on our relationship. And I had a weird dream.
In it my family (not my real family, but my friends who were blood relations in the dream) were going to the movies with me and we had reserved seats in the VIP section. The movie wasn't dubbed so they passed the script around to the VIP's and I ended up reading for a part. The movie was weird. I played the evil queen in Snow White, but it wasn't the story of Snow White. I was locked in the basement of a building and the stairs were blocked by a solid wall of hot lava. I threw a chair at it and the chair burst into flames. The man I loved was in the room at the top of the stairs, also locked but he was trying to find a way out. He liked me well enough, but he wasn't IN love with me. He hadn't told me yet, so I didn't know. He finally found a way to dissolve the wall of lava and he heard me coming up the stairs. He had also made a key for his door and he was standing behind it nervously, trying to decid whether or not to open it. He did and I came into the room. I can't remember what happened next and then I woke up.
Tree was trying to be affectionate earlier and I just didn't want to be hugged or touched. I kind of wanted to just curl up and be alone for awhile. Sean was over most of the day, playing his guitar and making me laugh. Annie and Dan came over and played games with us and Michelle and I got exhausted kicking ass at Twister.
I'm passing out now.
C a Girl
February 10, 4:51 PM
I'm tired, cranky and feeling fat. I need a hug.
C a Girl
February 11, 2:20 PM
Day 3 of antibiotic hell. You know how they say you have to get worse before you get better? You also notice how they never tell you how much worse?
It probably doesn't help that I'm menstruating, but I just don't think the amoxicilin likes me very much. My tummy is in turmoil, my head doesn't even feel attached to my body and it's heavy. My body just doesn't want to move. Occassionally I get a nice burst of energy, but when I'm ill the sleep apnea symptoms are aggravated. I just want to sleep, but I need to get some work done. I've skipped class today in order to rest up. I have a tech rehearsal for Vagina Monologues tonight and I have to be able to get there in one piece. I hate being sick.
I think Tree's mad at me. I've been really cranky and distant. I dunno, I just don't want to TALK to people. I guess I should close my door when I don't want attention. If Moon were here I'd curl up beside her and let her snuggle me to sleep. If Dave or Becky were here I'd fall asleep on the couch while they argued over what TV program to watch. If Steve were here I'd beg him to hold me. Which is odd, I don't want to be talked to or talk to anyone, but I do want certain people to give me some physical affection. I dunno. I'm going back to bed.
C a Girl
February 12, 5:57 AM
Couldn't sleep. I was doing my reading for women's studies. I thought I might as well do something useful. I was leaning my ear on a heating pad praying that the fluid might start to drain. So far the only thing that's done is make the right side of my face really warm.
So I'm discovering some new things. I am a liberally distilled radical feminist. Or so I think. I'm all about tearing down systems that don't work and getting to the root of the problem. I don't shave anymore. I rarely wear make-up or skirts. I hate the idea of marriage (which would explain why I dumped my fiance). I refuse to conform to the male idea of female (except for when I'm acting in a "feminine" part in a play). I'm just me. Some of that is more "girly" and some of that is more "boyish". I think I'm a pretty good mix of masculine and feminine. Not that it's bad to be feminine, but I think that it needs to be tempered with reality. There isn't such a great gulf between the sexes that we can't cross it. We can be who we want to be. And that's who I am being, the perfect idea of myself. Or rather as close to the perfect idea of myself as I can get. Because I don't believe in perfect either.
C a Girl
February 14, 1:22 AM
I've decided. I've decided that we're not going to take it anymore. And by we I mean women.
I've decided that we're going to feel beautiful all the time. I've decided that no matter what anyone says, or what the media feeds us, or what our mothers raised us to be; we can be what we want.
I've decided that whether I'm fat or thin, old or young, short or tall, blond or brunette, black or white, stupid or smart, masculine or feminine, straight or bi or gay, clear of complexion or not: I AM BEAUTIFUL.
I've decided I will not take no for an answer. I will not be called fat or ugly ever again, and if I am I will confront you. I will be appreciated for who I am and what I do, NOT what I look like.
I've decided I want to take you with me. And by you and I mean everyone else in the world. Friends, family, girls, women, boys, men, and everything inbetween. Come with me. Let's be beautiful together.
Happy V-day,
C a Girl
February 17, 1:19 AM
I haven't written since the first day of the show. Partially because I didn't have words to describe what was happening in my head. Secondly because I was so exhausted. I'm exhausted now, but this is a cathartic moment. This is the time to write the feelings as they pour out.
I feel accomplished. I feel, maybe for the first REAL time in my life, beautiful. I feel like I've connected to a community of true women, that have touched me in ways I could not once imagine. I feel like I've finally stepped into womanhood. Before I was just a shadow of a woman, the essence was there, but not the whole thing. It was like a bodiless soul, a collection of odd memories to share without a voice to tell them. I have a voice now. This show did it for me. I'll miss passing the stick around the circle and listening to all these wonderful, bright women take their turns to speak. I'll miss all the voluptous hugs and the "thank yous" and the "you are beautifuls". Mostly though, I'll miss being able to connect to other women in such a powerful way. Thank you Eve Ensler for having the courage to birth Vagina Monologues into the world. I don't think this is the end of this chapter, but I do think the book will close for some time.
On a side note: Mr. A. Waterworks saw us (Tree, Michelle and I) at dinner and sat down to join us for a chat. I told him about the cast party at a bar/restaurant downtown and he said he might stop by. I figured he probably wouldn't, he couldn't go see the show since it sold out all three nights and there was no way for him to get a ticket. Half-way through the party I see him walking through the bar over to me with this big grin on his face. I realize now what he is to me. He is one of my best friends in the whole world. Having him there at the party, surrounded by all the good energy just brought my spirits so much higher. He came out, all by himself just for me. Just to show his support. Even if he never "falls in love" with me. Even if I never get over him (which I think somehow I will). Even if I never get to tell him all the wonderful things I think about him. He will always be A., my best friend and inspiration.
Annie bought me a "massager" as a present for the show. Now if I only had a AA battery...
C a Girl
February 17, 10:33 PM
I forgot to add yesterday. My baby brother is the section II champ for wrestling in his weight class of 112 lbs. This means that in two weeks he'll be traveling towards buffalo to compete for the state championship. YEAH DAVE!
I watched Moulin Rouge today. What a great movie. I cried like a baby at the end though. I think it was more from Vaginas than anything. I end up crying after something big happens in my life. It's like when I cried after the prom. All the build up for weeks and weeks and when it was over I just needed to get it out of my system with some well deserved tears.
C a Girl
February 18, 12:23 PM
I was having an interesting conversation with the girls. Tree said the following (paraphrased of course): you push yourself away, sometimes more than you should. It sort of echoed in my head. I can't stop thinking about that one simple statement. It's true, I know it's true. It just struck me as odd. She seemed almost angry about it. Almost, not quite.
I know I push myself away. I said something about doing it to keep everyone around me sane. She said that everyone wants to keep people around them sane and not start to get on others nerves. I said that I like to hide myself away sometimes. It's not just a survival mode. It's me. I dunno. I just function better when I live alone. Something about the quiet hours bopping around to my music by myself. I can't stand being constantly surrounded by people. Maybe it's because I was a loner in high school. I think I've always been this way. Sort of like Shinji Ikari in Neon Genesis Evangelion. It's the hedgehog's dilemma. I can't get too close to people sometimes because it hurts too much. I think. I'm not sure. I don't really care. So hopefully I can stop thinking about it.
Don't you like to be alone sometimes too?
C a Girl
February 20, 5:09 PM
I'm a little pissed off at myself. No, strike that. I'm really pissed off at myself. My sleeping habits are completely fucked and it's all my fault. So I broke out the bottle of drowsy cough syrup for tonight. I Will take it and I Will sleep tonight by 11PM.
C a Girl
February 21, 1:20 PM
So I was in bed by 11 last night. I woke up and got to class on time. Yeah. So I'm going to try and keep this trend going. I don't really have much to add. I've been rehearsing my actors for the one acts and watching the Olympics on a regular basis. I wrote a silly song today about the Olympics. That's about it.
C a Girl
February 21, 7:28 PM
Do you ever get so close to your hopes just to have them crushed by someone else? I've had the feeling that things were just too perfect. Something had to go wrong.
I was slated to direct "Much Ado About Nothing" this summer with the Hudson River Shakespeare Company. It's a small company, mostly run out of the director Andy's basement. He called me today and rescinded his offer for me to direct. He said other members of the company felt wary working with a new director and he offered for me to assistant direct "A Midsummer Night's Dream" this summer. He said I could direct "Much Ado" but that he wanted to put it off a year. I was so upset I didn't know what to do. So I asked him if I could think about it.
To tell you the truth, my initial reaction is to say no and drop out of the company. I don't want to deal with that kind of bullshit politics. If you don't want to take the risk on a new director then don't make the offer in the first place. On the other hand I want to say yes. I'd love the opportunity to direct that show, even if I have to work up to it. My principles are arguing with my heartfelt passion for Shakespeare. If I say no, then I get the opportunity to stay in Plattsburgh all summer, which was really something I wanted to do. If I say yes then I'm stuck going home for another shitty summer.
Argh. I'll think about it.
C a Girl
February 21, 11:58 PM
So, no matter how bad my day has been it's about 30 times worse for Michelle Kwan. I kind of feel bad, because I really was hoping she wouldn't get the gold and now that she hasn't I feel like I might have jinxed her. If that's possible.
I had a nice dinner with Tiffaney and another random after dinner chat with Andrew. There wasn't a tingle when I saw him this time (this is a very good sign). I had a fun rehearsal. A nice chat on the phone with Gabs and one with JT$. I played the Sims for awhile (on of my silly obsessions). I got to watch the Olympics in peace. So in the end, I think today has made up for any bad news I might have been presented with.
Have a good night, I am...
C a Girl
February 22, 7:37 PM
So after an e-mail from Andy to reiterate what he already said (dick, dick, dick, dicklicker). I had a shit fit. I threw things all around my room and acted like a child. I haven't given myself leave to have a tantrum like that since Dana and I broke up. Tiffaney joined in after having a particularly bad day and threw some of my teddy bears. We all laughed and screamed and laughed some more until finally I felt better. I've decided I'm going to leave the company. I don't need to deal with this shit, and whose to say he won't pull the same trick later. "Oh I'm sorry C, we don't trust you. I don't think you should direct yet." No, I'm sorry. I don't put up with bullshit. Buh-bye.
C a Girl
February 23, 12:04 PM
Anger abated. Thankfully.
I feel like creating something today. I don't really care what, I just have the urge to make some little piece of art. Maybe a short play or a drawing. Maybe a booklet of nice things to give someone or an impromtu tittie painting. We'll see.
I'm going to finish watching Joy Luck Club and crying my eyes out. Crazy fucking chinese people. Eating with chopsticks and making me cry. What's that all about?
C a Girl
February 25, 9:51 PM
Sometimes I have so much going on in my head that I have no idea what's going on.
I keep having these nostalgic thoughts about my tenure in MacDonough Hall and the springtime when Steve and I played in the woods and all those years ago at 62 broad with Jimmy, Mark and Leigh. Maybe it's the warm weather. It's February and spring is fighting for dominance over winter's territory. I'm not sure how to break past the memories and into the present.
The future is looming ahead and there is so much to do in preparation for it. I've accomplished so much this year, but I have so much more to do. It's like no matter how many hurdles you jump there are still more ahead until the race is over. And the race is neverending in this case.
I realized today that I've been spending lots of time by myself, door shut in a suite full of people who like to get in. I never realized I kept my door shut so much. I guess it's because I have all this work to do, but I like my privacy. It's kind of funny. I'm very extroverted and I like to share my stories, but at the same time I've very covetess of my alone time and I don't like to tell everything about myself. Sort of like a walking paradox. A private person with a less than private life.
C a Girl
February 26, 3:30 AM
Now I know I said I wasn't going to stay up late anymore...
But I was having this intensely wonderful conversation with Tiffaney and K.C. Two ciggarettes later (for K.C.) and we were still talking. But then of course it was 2AM and Tif and K.C. had to get to bed. Me on the other hand, I still have to write my paper for Shakespeare. This one is on a Midsummer Night's Dream. Argh.
But at least I had a good ending to my night.
C a Girl
February 26, 5:45 PM
I've been acting very kidlike these past few days. I'm nearing adulthood everyday and thankfully that childish spirit in me refuses to die. The weather is insanely beautiful and I spent part of the day outside reading, enjoying the gorgeous breeze. I've got to get going to rehearsal now. I get to make Tiffaney and Nick kiss. Hehehehe...
C a Girl
February 28, 3:09 AM
Have you ever tried to masturbate while watching some nasty porn and your parents call you completely unexpected? Yeah, not fun.
I meant to write yesterday, but you know me. It was a full moon. Four men dropped their pants in my presence and I say a pair of titties. 3 out of 4 prefer boxers and the other was wearing boxer-briefs. Yes. There was lots of sexual tension floating around. Even Seany, who is usually asexual was bouncing around and being sexy, and trying to hump things. And I was enjoying every minute of the horny actions inspired by the make out scene in the play I'm directing.
I'm applying to the Stratford conservatory. I don't think I'll get anything back, mainly because I'm not a Canadian citizen, but it's worth a shot. I'm also auditioning for Pendragon this weekend. I haven't prepared anything and I'm rather nervous. I need to go to bed.
Love,
C a Girl
February 28, 7:23 AM
I'm having an odd moment. It's sort of like nostalgia mixed in with deja-vu. I'm listening to Live's album "Mental Jewelry." It really is their best disk. I'm thinking of Steve (for some reason this particular song is making his image pop up in my head). It reminds me of the very end of my first sophomore year when I was still an RA. Most of the students were leaving campus and it was just me and Steve for one day. I watched the sun rise by myself while I was packing for home. I wish you could feel what I'm describing because it's an incredibly warming, soft feeling. Just looking at the words on the page makes me realize you might not be able to understand exactly how it feels. I would say take the quietest joy filled moment you've ever had all by yourself and that's somewhat the equivalent.
On completely another note: the cleaning ladies confiscated my shower basket because it was on the bathroom floor. I went in the hallway to look for one of them and ask for it back and noticed her closet door was open. She was nowhere to be seen. So, I walked in and sure enough behind the door was my beloved basket tied up in a plastic bag. I snagged the goods and made for the suite as fast as my stubby little legs would carry me. Hehehehe...
C a Girl