December 2001


December 3, 2:57 AM

I was watching "Planet of the Apes" (the original) and was sucked in. I wanted to sleep, but I couldn't stop watching. How stupid is that?

My weekend was a wash of weird feelings. I ranged from minor panic to completely relaxed, from comfortable to weirded out, from just friends to in love all over again. Sometimes I wonder why I let these things get away from me. My panic attack was minimal, it was over lights for the toga party and it worked out in the end. My relaxation was strange. I felt it, I went with it and it was relaxation at a time where I would've panicked a year ago. The comfortable went hand in hand with the relaxation. The weirded out came when I realized I still had feelings for a friend I don't get to see too often.

The more I deny my feelings the more they surge up. He's one of those people I will always be in love with. Like Erin, or Steve I will always have an open wound in my heart, bleeding for just them. Although a leaking valve is not so much the image I want to create. It's just the feeling, that ache when they're not around. I don't want to avoid him, but I don't want it to become an issue. He's made his feelings very plain to me and while he loves me it is not how I would desire him to return my affections. Love is fickle and sometimes my feelings are not. When I fall in love, I fall hard.

On another note some of my suitemates are driving me batty. Two in particular. I won't point fingers or mention names. Sometimes it's just difficult living with people you work closely with. They're always making excuses and not helping out. They bitch and moan and complain but never do anything to change it. I do sometimes, but not to the extent that these girls do. I'd like to kick them in the face, somehow damaging their ability to be stupid. Maybe I could knock some reason into their heads. Maybe I should just move out!

On second thought I'll just put up and shut up. If I don't tell them they're annoying me they'll never know.

Yours,
C a Girl

December 3, 12:49 PM

I'm still feeling aloof. I need some me-time. I don't really want to make up with the people I'm fighting with right now. It's not because I like conflict. It's more because I desire silence. The people who are mad at me aren't talking to me, and that's nice. I sort of like being on my own for the time being. So tell everyone that hates me to fuck off and shut up. Otherwise I'm just waiting for godot...

Yours,
C a Girl

December 5, 12:01 PM

I am realizing more and more that living with people is a compromise. You compromise your privacy, your space, but most of all your sanity. I'm living with seven very different people and it's difficult. I feel like an episode of the real world where Shaquanda steals John's soap and John decides to rant and rave about it for fifteen bagillion hours on tape and the audience is treated to a little suspense. "Will Shaquanda apologize? Will John stop yelling? Does anyone care?"

I'm tired of stupid, immature people. I've done a lot of growing up this year and one of the things that really annoys me is that the people around me haven't. I'm taking responsibility and being adult-like when everyone around me is acting like three year olds and blaming the problem on anyone but themselves. Maybe it is time to move out.

Yours and trying really hard not to care,
C a Girl

December 7, 3:42 AM

Haven't written in a few days and I'm not sure why. Maybe because I don't really have anything new to add. Same old crap, new day.

I'm still frustrated with my princess suite-mate. She keeps talking over my head like I'm the stupid one. All I have to say to that shit is that life is a cookie. And I'm not confronting because I'm still sorting out how I feel about it. Either that or I'm simply too lazy to do anything about it.

Still debating what to do with my non-existent love life. If I really wanted someone I would just brave up and grab love by the balls. Or rather that someone special. I dunno, it's just rough when the only guys I hang out with are the guys that know me too well to date me. They know the quirks already and they don't want to deal with that. Bah! I just want someone to wake up next to in the morning and kiss goodnight. Or something the like thereof. Lonely syndrome is smacking me upside the head again.

Until next time, I shall drown my sorrows in Spaghetti O's. P.S.- Ramadan is almost over! The fast is almost complete.

Yours and starving,
C a Girl

December 9, 2:39 AM

Just played a fun filled game of drunken monopoly with Sean and Tiffaney. It was fabulous. I don't think I've ever giggled so much in my whole life. I broke my fast earlier today (or rather yesterday but since I'm still up). I broke it for 4 dunkin doughnuts and 2 liters of water. It was worth it to tell you the truth because I was working all day and working on an empty stomach is a bad idea. Well kids, I'm going to bed and hopefully I will have some wonderfully giggly dreams.

Good night,
C a Girl

December 10, 3:24 AM

You are now entering honest zone. Welcome to the scariest diary entry yet.

Once again I couldn't sleep. So I did what I usually do. I started to masturbate. I'm not sure why, but it relaxes me and helps me to sleep sometimes. So I was working myself pretty good but I decided to try something new. I had a few tubes of flavored lube as a joke. I thought, what the hell, who am I going to use this with. Let's have some fun. I opened up the tube and helped myself to a little (it's watermelon). It actually tasted pretty good. So I rubbed a little on myself and let's just say there was an instantaneous flood. I have never had such an excellent masturbation experience in my life. I must remember to use lube and fingers more often.

Good night and sleep well,
C a Girl

December 11, 12:06 PM

Trying to write my final paper for Plays in Rehearsal. Have I mentioned yet how much I hate that class? I have to argue for what grade I deserve based on my performances in class. Can anyone say procrastination?

So all my intuitions keep pointing to a new relationship. I even have a new line popping up on the side of my hand where relationship lines usually appear. So I'm wondering who it could be with and is it really for me. I'll keep you wired in.

Happy Tuesday,
C a Girl

December 12, 4:55 PM

I'm really not feeling well. I don't want anyone to worry about me, but I think it may have to do with me hitting my head on Monday. I've been sleeping ok, but I've also been dizzy and my vision is blurred. I've had a migraine since early Tuesday. I've also been forgetting stupid amounts of little things that I wouldn't normally forget or get confused about. I think I'll wait to go to the doctor until I go home for break. I don't trust the school health center up here and I don't want to go to the hospital. Ah well. I'll just have to hang in there.

And I'm still waiting to find out what this relationship business is all about.

Yours and truly disturbed,
C a Girl

December 13, 1:06 AM

I'm ok. My head isn't so bad anymore. I think I'm just a headcase.

Work sucked today. I got stuck with stupid girl and she had run about 500 feet of cable in the wrong direction before I caught her. Of course I made her do it all over again by herself. Sometimes, being around "special friends" makes me feel even more special.

Trying to read the portents and I know I haven't missed my chance yet, but there's a very slim window for me to claim this relationship of mine. I'm thinking tomorrow or Saturday, and I'll know when. The clincher is just whether I'll be willing to execute or not.

Are you still breathing?

Yours,
C a Girl

December 14, 6:05 PM

Starting to relax finally for the holidays. I finished shopping for my family. I knew exactly what I wanted to get them this year. And for my parents it was really the first grown up sort of present I've bought them. Though nothing can top the star that I got for the top of our christmas tree. Mom still gets misty-eyed sometimes just thinking about it. The whole story is that a few years ago our star broke. We didn't have anything for it, so I got out some cardboard and tin foil and made a star for the tree. It was our star for at least 3 or 4 years until I finally decided I wanted to get my parents something special for christmas. I found this gorgeous star that was white and lighted from the inside out. They opened it christmas eve and mom cried because it was so beautiful. It was one of the coolest christmas memories I have. She even kept the original tin foil star and turned it into an ornament for the tree. So needless to say I'm excited about going home.

And it's SNOWING. Right now, in the North Country. It's SNOWING!!!

Yours and finally into a festive mood,
C a Girl

December 14, 6:38 PM

On Sanjaya's advice I was checking out some girl's livejournal and ran across this cool personality test...

I am most like http://www.eiu.org.

I am a very tongue-in-cheek person. It's often hard to tell if I'm being serious, and I have almost a kinda spooky vibe.
I'm also very inquisitive, and like to question what most take for granted.

The Obscure Website Test



Katie Jane Garside is my personality match! click here to find out who yours is!

Sometimes the stupid girl within just needs indulgence,
C a Girl

December 16, 6:43 AM

Well, this may be the last entry for some time. I'll try to update over break, but no promises. I rely on the library and those ladies give you some pretty funny looks while you try to send out perverted e-mails.

Graduation strike was surprisingly painless. This semester ended sort of funny though. Everyone agreed, it wasn't the usual ending. It was abrupt, like we were all riding along and then somebody pulled the e-brake. Where did Fall 2001 go? Oh well, it's over now.

I think the most poignant memory of this semester was Erin Hofmann telling us before she left (she graduated) that she would "see us on the other side." Meaning hopefully in the acting world someday. I smiled. The best memory was the roadtrip with Jimmy and Andrew to Matt Short's wedding. I can't forget getting lost three times, sleeping on the beanie babies, crying next to Jim at the wedding and swing dancing with Andrew at the reception. All that within the same 24 hour day, out to Binghamton and back to Plattsburgh. The most exciting was opening night of 12 Angry Women when I came out for my final bow. The most accomplished moment was when I decided to do Ramadan and stick with it (And now I'm finally DONE). The sexiest moment was with Sarah H at Vassar when we went to see my girl Moon perform in "The Rocky Horror Picture Show." The scariest moment was a red herring letter I received from the Health Center. The saddest moment was when I realized I'm still in love with Mr. A. Waterworks (name changed to protect his innocence). The worst moment is comprised of all those times I let somebody get to me when I should just let things slide. It was a busy semester filled with road trips, new people (Sean, Sanjaya, Jenna, Stacey and all the boys in Suite 93), national disasters, disappointments, partying, dancing, air hockey, stupid decisions, good decisions, growing up, and most of all accepting (finally) my place in the world as the one, the only true Faerie Queen.

And the intuitions... I've been having a plethora of dejavu and "feelings" about things. Almost all my intuitions have been dead on correct, especially about people and their character. And I've also been having some great sexual dreams. There was this fascinating one the other day about this really strong woman who just took control and threw me down. Hot.

By the way, Sanjaya what's your e-mail?

Love you until I see you again and missing you like my pancreas,
C a Girl
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