August 2003
August 2 2003, 3:02 PM
I don't want to be tired anymore. It's 3 o'clock in the afternoon. I went to bed at a decent hour last night. I woke up after a good night's sleep. I'm ready for a nap and I haven't even been awake for that long. I would ask what's wrong with me, but I know what's wrong with me. I have a sleeping disorder and this is what daily life is like for me.
You wake up with no energy. You don't have the energy to do anything. You don't want to do anything. You stop caring. Life in general is spent wondering when you'll be able to visit your pillow and blankets next. Wakefulness is like naps in between bedtimes for normal people, they are brief periods where you try to do stuff but you just can't muster up the required energy for doing so.
I would go to a doctor, but sleep apnea is an expensive condition to care for. I don't have health insurance and I'm pissed off because all I really want is for someone to wave a magic wand and make me better. I want to feel energized and whole again. I guess I'm used to it now because I've lived with it unmedicated for so long, but I still hate it. It's been worse lately and I'm getting close to the breaking point. It's getting to where I don't want to just live with it anymore.
Know the saying "I'll sleep when I'm dead"? Am I already dead? Because all I do is sleep.
C a Girl
August 4 2003, 12:14 AM
Tonight was just weird.
As Jim and I were leaving his parent's house (we had an excellent steak dinner with his dad, bro and sis as mom is in Mexico) we noticed that it was lightning outside because of the heat. There is nothing creepier than heat lightning. Jim told me a ghost story about a swamp and dropped me off home since he had work. Who is there to greet us in the parking lot? The black cat who broke into the house a few nights ago.
In any case Jim let the cat into the house but Morgan (one of the two cat's we already own, Nymue being the other) was hissing something fierce. I put the black cat in my room. That's when I noticed that the black cat has balls. It's a boy cat and the girls aren't fixed. So if I wanted to keep him I'd have to get him fixed ASAP. I let him back out my window because I need some more time to think about this. If he comes back I'm keeping him and I'll get him fixed and the whole deal. I already have a name picked out for him. It's just a big decision to take on a cat. He's such a friendly little guy and Lennaire loves him already, even though he's only visited us three times (he dropped by once more while Betty was here, spending the weekend). I want him, but this is a big aquisition.
Lennaire says we're turning into crazy cat people. I don't think you can turn into crazy cat people; I think you can just realize one day that you were always a crazy cat people and that now you have the cats to prove it.
C a Girl
August 4 2003, 3:03 PM
Started a livejournal yesterday.
Never fear you hardcore fans, it won't replace the diary; it will act as a supplemental for those weird thoughts that don't fit anywhere else.
It's hot. Blazing hot. I'm not even putting a bra on hot. I was going to go job hunting today, but that's a long haul on my bike in this kind of heat. It'll have to wait until it cools down a bit; I do not want to repeat having heat stroke because that sucks ass.
I miss the black cat profusely.
I had the opportunity to talk to my girl Erin last night. It was nice to hear from her again. I'm awful at keeping up with my friends, but she knows that and she knows what she means to me (I hope). If not, here it is: I love you forever and ever Erin no matter how damn hokey that sounds.
Speaking of random: here's the link to the livejournal.
C a Girl
August 5 2003, 12:24 AM
Lenn and I just finished watching The Women. It's this great movie made in the 1940's about, well, about women. It's so funny and viciously done. There are no men in the entire movie and it's based on a play. I need to find this play and do it because it was fantastic.
That's all I had to say.
C a Girl
August 5 2003, 5:44 PM
I did some zen-dishwashing today. The kitchen was foul and the temperature was too hot to do anything else. So I cleaned. I cleaned and scrubbed and washed and soaked and cleaned some more. Fucking dishes all over the place. And yet somehow dish-washing is relaxing, calming and very much zen.
If written this before. Don't tell mom; I actually like cleaning.
C a Girl
August 6 2003, 7:06 PM
I fucking hate hiccups. Just needed to get that off my chest. Lennaire agrees.
Computer was being cranky today. I started her up three times and every time she locked up, once she went into safe mode. She hates me. She hates humidity. She hates me when I'm trying to make her do things when it's humid outside. We both hate this oppressive weather.
I just realized I have three separate email accounts and three separate web pages (and 3 diary of a nothings). Three seems to be the lucky number. I have justification for all these different sites and mails and diaries. One of every category is somewhat defunct. One of every category is updated and checked regularly. It all makes sense in a "I need three websites" kind of way.
Yes, I'm being weird.
C a Girl
August 7 2003, 7:12 AM
"What are you doing up so early in the morning?" You ask.
"I never went to bed." I say. "Couldn't sleep."
"That sucks." You say in sympathy.
"You get used to it." I answer. "Please, don't laugh. I look pretty funny just now."
"Well, your shorts are all wrinkled and your pigtails are lopsided, but I've seen worse."
"Justifiable excuses for all of that."
"And you smell a bit."
"Ok, pants are wrinkled and hair is tousled because I was rolling around on my bed trying to read in order to sleep. I got sucked into the book and sleep never happened. The smelly thing... Well I'm tired of my hands having the only muscle tone in my whole body. I'm doing the DDR workout every other day (or when it's not so hot your feet stick to the dance pads through your socks). People smell after they work out."
"Then go shower." You say pointedly.
"Can't." I reply logically. "It'll wake me up even more. I've got to sleep sometime."
"Take a nap later you crazy broad." You laugh.
I smile and reply: "You try napping when you're living with Cats In Heat (part 3 of an eighteen part mini-series soon to be released on FOX (they'll show just about anything for ratings))."
You raise your eyebrows. The joke was sort of funny, but not laugh out loud funny. You shrug and walk away realizing that arguing with me is pointless when I'm this tired and smelly. Maybe I should shower. Night!
C a Girl
August 11 2003, 3:37 AM
I haven't written in awhile. I haven't really been doing anything different. Writing fanficlets for competitions online, working on my book, sleeping like it's my job, watching cartoons and working on the starburst wrapper chain.
The black cat did come back and hang out with me one morning this week, but then he left again. I hope he comes back so that I can keep him. He needs to come at just the right time so I can bring him to the vet and get him fixed.
It's way to hot in the Burgh. I'm hoping the humidity breaks sometime this week so that I can catch my breath. Later skater,
C a Girl
August 15 2003, 4:22 AM
Another restless fucking night.
The power went out yesterday all across the east coast and we didn't even know it because ours was one of the few cities in NY that didn't lose power. We were watching TV and playing video games when Robbie (Jim's brother) came by with bottled water for us. His dad works at the hospital and sent him out to get gallons of water just in case.
The night before I was so stupid drunk that I fell asleep on the bathroom floor and for the first time in my life I got sick from drinking. Didn't wake up with a hangover, as per usual, but I will never drink that much ever again. This isn't one of those stupid promises we make when we're drunk and don't keep. This is one of those stupid promises that I'm keeping.
I'm miffed about the graves situation, but I'm always miffed about that. He wrote to me in my livejournal the other day. He said something like: I found (which I think means he was looking for me) and then something about letting go (which I think means he's telling me to stop trying to be his friend or some shit, which doesn't make any sense to me so maybe I'm wrong). The whole time I'm wondering why I still care. I'm being stupid.
And I admitted something to myself yesterday that makes me nervous. I have a crush on someone that I probably shouldn't have a crush on (and I'm not telling you, so don't even ask). I think, no, I know, I'm not going to do anything about it.
PS- I'm insecure and I hate the insecurity of my life right now.
C a Girl
August 15 2003, 9:04 PM
I fucking hate pop up ads. Just needed to get that out of the way.
I fell into another time bubble. Time is just not moving right now. It's still Friday. It should be next Thursday already.
When my life loses momentum I have to stop and lose momentum with it. And then I wonder, why does my life have momentum? What am I racing towards?
What the fuck? Seriously.
C a Girl
August 18 2003, 8:45 AM
The up-doors neighbors are fucking again.
Which is good because they woke me up. I was sleeping the sleep of the dead and could not be roused for anything yesterday. My body basically said "FUCK OFF C" and crashed.
I'm debatting what to do today. I need to get out of the house, this I know, but where do I want to go. I might just hop on my bike and ride around aimlessly, or pick up some job applications and see who's hiring, or head over to the college and decide whether or not I want to take a class.
Personal trainer Betty would be proud. I actually got off my ass earlier today and worked out. I spent about 25 minutes doing DDR on the dance pads and I worked up one hell of a sweat.
I'm realizing now that the end of August deadline I set for myself and my book is unrealistic and I'm going to need more time to finish it. If the pace had kept up where it was when I began the book would be finished already. But it slowed down, very down and I'm struggling to finish chapter seven (even though chapter eight is almost done). I'm sort of forcing myself to write in order so I don't get all kinds of confused later, but it's not my usual style. I ordinarily write all over the place and then try and fit it all together. Though this works pretty good because I'm really concentrating on finishing each chapter before I move on to the next one. Who knows, maybe I'll finish it soon and get it off to a publisher, maybe I'm just getting my hopes up. But I'm setting a new deadline for this story. I want it done by the end of December of this year. 4 months. I can do that. And if I don't I'm going to ground myself for a month. And maybe ask somebody to spank me.
Spank us, spank us, please.
C a Girl
August 26 2003, 5:31 AM
I'm not even going to quantify what time it is with a remark.
Oops. I just did.
In any case...
The family reunion was enjoyable. Highly so. I played with my little cousins. I mingled with the adults as an adult for the first time at a family party. I played the part of the lifeguard enforcer at the pool. I was pretty beefy (though one of the little bastards wouldn't stay in line until I called his grandmother over and then he shut the hell up and stopped splashing me).
But because of this weekend I've decided. I'm never having kids. Never you hear me!? You can't make me!
So there.
C a Girl