April 2002
April 2, 2:26 AM
You have now entered stupid girl zone.
I have gone from confusion to understanding, from unknowing to confirmation. I think I convince myself there is an issue because I'm a very hormonal person. I had a mild confusion about the nature of a certain friendship, but I think it was never an issue and it was all in my head. So I closed that nice little brochure on horny friends and put it back in my library.
I didn't get to see Z earlier, but I really want to. I think this could get interesting. I'm looking forward to getting to know him better. I figure I'll take it slow. If nothing more happens, nothing more happens. However I wouldn't be completely averse to more happening either...
Bob put the new memory in my computer. I haven't noticed a big difference yet, but I'm sure I will.
I'm going to finish typing my paper and then I'm going to bed. This one is for women's studies and I decided to write about my personal experience with discrimination in the work place. This one will be a doozy!
C a Girl
April 2, 4:40 PM
Obviously I'm having sleeping problems. As we learned the other day, when all else fails, take drugs. I think I'm going back on the sleepy cough syrup.
Question: can you be openly gay, or bisexual and still be homophobic? We'll chat later...
C a Girl
April 3, 11:32 AM
I went to bed on time last night, but only because the pain killers made me sleepy. Yes, I the amazing, incredible, fantabulous, clumsy Carol has done it again. I sprained my ankle. I've already come to the conclusion that relying on other people sucks, but when you HAVE to rely on other people, it sucks more. I think this is going to be my lesson in humility.
C a Girl
April 5, 4:33 AM
Sleepless night. Two words: fucking chernoybl.
Some shit went down in the suite tonight, that I will allow to remain amongst the suite. But holy jesus fuck I thought I was going to die.
Today I slept in late, but it was a good omen. I think more shit would have gone down had I actually gotten up sooner. I nearly electrocuted myself trying to plug my power strip in and I have since twisted my bad ankle the wrong way about 30 times. At least I can walk on it, I just can't turn it at all.
I'm not really sure where this dating thing is going, but I'm going to sit it out and see what happens. Oh, and I'm quiting the play in Placid. There's no way in hell I can get out there on my own. It just won't happen. I'm better off anyway, I have a shit load of work to do even without that on my mind.
All in all it's been a "what the fuck, how the fuck, why the fuck?" kind of week. Sleep well my fellow human beings...
C a Girl
April 6, 4:44 PM
In an interesting turn of events Michelle Rose moved out of the suite. I refrain from further comment.
I had a very peculiar dream last night wherein it was like I was watching a movie. There were three main characters, a man, his wife (played by Julia Roberts) and her best friend (played by Daryl Hannah). The man was so in love with his wife that he didn't want anyone to steal her away (because she's Julia Roberts, duh). He dabbled in some mad science and decided to shrink her. He built a replica house and in her sleep shrunk and transported her there. All of the house staff was shrunk without their knowledge and the best friend who lived with them as well. He would shrink himself from time to time with the same potion, but in much smaller doses. He constantly had to be putting the potion into their water supply in order to keep them all small. I can't remember the exact ending but I know the husband died somehow when he was big and the people in the little house kept drinking the abundant supply of water, so they never knew that he would never come back.
And so, when I woke up this morning... well all right, afternoon I was somewhat disoriented. I'm beginning to feel that all things put aside today will be better than yesterday.
C a Girl
April 7, 5:22 PM Daylight savings time
I was right about yesterday, it was better than Friday. I think Friday was one of the worst days of my life. Nothing was going right, I was sick, miserable and tired. Saturday was nice. I slept in, had odd dreams, had an easy evening at work, hung out with the girls and gorged myself on chips, cheese, graham flips and ice cream floats. Sometimes you need a rotten day to make the next one seem even more worthwhile.
Z this, Z that, guess who I've got on my mind? I like this "sort of dating" thing, but I wish I had his phone number. Silly me to have never asked.
Tiffaney and I went to see the Alvin Ailey dancers today. They were amazing. I have never seen something so incredible. Their dancing was sometimes stop and go action, rough and jerky (on purpose) and other times it was smooth and elegant, very graceful. They didn't hold back, not one bit and I think that made all the difference.
In a related but highly annoying side note: during a break in the performance I was talking to Tiff about this paper I'm working on for women's studies and some lady in front of me turns around and tells me in a really condescending tone how to do my research. #1. Don't treat me like I'm 5. Contrary to popular belief I am 22 and I can act my age. #2. Was I even talking to you? Ho no you didn't. This is a performance and I didn't come with you, so turn around and shut up. #3. You are not my women's studies teacher and you have no idea what the assignment was. Back off yo!
But I didn't let ho, ho, ho ruin the performance. I enjoyed the rest of the show and I was getting pumped for Harry Potter tonight. They're showing it in Giltz this evening. Yeah for fangirl wetting her shorts in the balcony over a silly movie based on a fictional world written by a single mother in a cafe on scraps of napkins. Good work.
C a Girl
April 10, 5:43 PM
Barry was being a fuck at work. I ignored him and just did my job. Sometimes he just gets himself in a bad mood and you can't do anything to change it and you can't do anything right, but you have to just let him be. He's a dicklicker. Ah well.
Tiffaney is a vision in sweatpants and a hoodie. And now I must go to dinner. Buh-bye.
C a Girl
April 12, 3:02 AM
Restless night. It's so beautiful outside I want to leave my window open, but the wind keeps banging the shades and the door back and forth. I felt like crap earlier, so I napped a bit and now I can't sleep, not that I'm suprised.
And just when I'm feeling my crappiest one of my beautiful friends comes along and makes everything better. Today Annie was my savior. She made me feel sexy, wanted and desired. And considering that I felt and looked like crappy-shmappy that was a miracle.
C a Girl
April 14, 1:44 AM
A few thoughts for today. The earlier half can be thrown away and forgotten forever. I felt like crap, had a long night and the apnea was probably at its worst. The second part of the day was fabulous. I was working with Taiko out of Burlington (they drum in the style of Japan). AMAZING. They were nice to work with and incredibly talented. One of them actually complimented me by saying "you could be a proffesional stage-hand." I grinned and told him I was planning on it. He said that I should call the local union in Burlington and to mention his name. I grinned even more. Barry seemed pleased with me and I was pleased with myself. It's odd, but days like today give my life meaning.
On "Wow" chips and "Olestra": Have you ever eaten them? If not then: DON'T. If so and you discontinued immediately thereafter: smart move. If so and you still eat them: what the hell are you thinking? Being "fat free" is not worth abdominal cramping, bloating, runny-nasty-smelly poopie and stained under-roos.
My new favorite letter of the alphabet stopped by twice today while I was at work. I'm flattered, pleased and I hope he'll stop by again. I'm all smiles tonight.
C a Girl
April 15, 10:24 AM
My family is due to arrive any time now and I'm almost shaking with anticipation. Anticipation is not an emotion I deal well with. I get jittery and my stomach aches. After a day I can't eat, after two I stop sleeping. It's a good thing I don't anticipate much.
Work was interesting last night. I will leave it at that.
I notice a slight trend of mine to be a little more secretive about the things I put in the diary. I know this is some long debaucle you, the reader are forcing yourself through for entertainment's sake and not some emotionally attatched view you are taking of my life. Some of the details however are more private and personal in nature. They remain between me and the other folks in my life and not my faithful readers. Sorry to disappoint.
Other than that I think things are beginning to shape up. I never mentioned my raise with all the other things that were going on recently. I got bumped up to the highest paid level in my line of work at the school. Arsenic and Old Lace is coming together. I'm still not too enthusiastic, but I'm getting there. I'm not too sure about the whole Z thing. Sometimes I think her likes me, other times I'm not sure. I think it might be fate telling us something that we can't get a hold of each other most of the time. However, I'm going to keep an open mind and maybe things will work out. Until then,
C a Girl
April 20, 3:03 AM
Wow. The show is going great. I've been spending way too much time down in the basement of Myers though. As for boys...
The letter and I can't seem to keep in touch. I haven't completely thrown in the towel, but I haven't seen enough of him to stay interested. I am however developing an even stronger crush on one of the guys in the show. I just hate being all stupid and girly because I'm not brave enough to say something to him. And when I do say something he thinks I'm joking because that's just how I am. Fucking A.
C a Girl
April 21, 10:53 PM
Ok. The earthquake was scary. I'm still having some trauma from it, but I'm trying really hard to get past it.
The cast party was wild. The boys had an underwear contest and the one guy no one wanted to look at was the only one wearing "tighty-whities." We played some sex trivia game, Sean funneled and I humped a lot of legs. We also played "spin the bottle." Hel-lo. There was some hot tongue action there, boys on boys, girls on girls, there were even some spectators.
Enough from me, I can barely keep my eyes open. Love and hugs,
C a Girl
April 23, 6:00 PM
Is it possible for someone to be depressed and not even know it?
Of course it is; I know it is. K.C. brought it up the other day, that I might be depressed. I've been thinking about it sporadically since. If I remember correctly though I've been like this since high school. Maybe I never did get over my Poppie's death. That was at least 6 years ago, when I was a junior. He died a little after New Year's Day and was buried 3 days before my birthday. Doesn't really give you a sense of occassion to celebrate. Maybe that's why I hate birthdays. I dunno. Maybe death is one of those things you just can't get past. Or least I just can't get past. I don't mind being this way, being the way I am. It just makes it a little harder for me to get out of bed in the morning. I have to convince myself that I have something to do during the day, a purpose for being. Sometimes I get a little lost on the road and I don't know what my purpose is, usually after shows. Theatre is so futile. You work so hard and in the end you have nothing. When it's all done it gets torn apart and forgotten, so what's the point? But I guess that could be said of life as well. I just need some time to sort my head out and get turned back around. I've stepped off the road for a bit, for a tiny respite in the green, grassy lawns of my fucked up head.
C a Girl
April 24, 10:50 PM
Sometimes the simplest pleasures in life are all we need to get back on track. I've spent enough time mooning about and being traumatized. After every break in action I take some time for me, whether to catch up on sleep or simply to just be alone: I need that time. And now it's time to go back and reclaim my life again. It's time to do something inspired. Or at least get some work done. It's a damn shame I'm not a serious student. If I paid half as much attention to my school work as I do to my psyche I'd be graduating magna cum laude. Ah well. You can't be a walrus if you're a penguin.
C a Girl
April 28, 6:27 PM
I had a great trip to the city yesterday. We watched a musical called "Urinetown." It's absolutely hysterical. Lennaire, Sarah, Annie and I went down to Christopher street, in the middle of Greenwich Village. It was fabulous. Annie and I bought matching sexual paraphenalia. Len got a rainbow bracelet and I got a rainbow necklace. All in all it was a great trip right up until the very end. The four of us got lost on the subway because of all the construction and were late meeting the group. Needless to say people were cranky with us on the way home, but hey, I had a great day and I refused to let anyone ruin that.
I had an excellent ride home with Annie and Teriyuki in the backseat. I slept on Annie's belly for half the trip back and when I woke up Teri and I had a nice conversation. We talked about Japan and places we'd like to travel. We shared our fears and our hopes. It was excellent and he even taught me some Japanese.
I slept like a baby last night into this afternoon. Now I'm off to pick a room for next semester and then onto the APO initiation. Cheers,
C a Girl
April 29, 3:24 PM
I hate money, but I love big paychecks!
I bought two new books today and Athena recommended a new one for me. Must remember "Ellen Foster." I ran into Leland Westie on the way home. He's not someone I ordinarily talk to, but we had an excellent conversation. It was one of those touch my life for a moment meetings that I won't soon forget.
I feel for the first time in maybe a month accomplished. I fixed most of my financial aid problems and with one more stop over to the bursar's office I'm golden. Things are looking up on Rugar Street.
C a Girl