Marge: "Do you want Bart to be a Supreme Court Justice, or a stripper?"
Homer: "Can't he be both, like the late Earl Warren?"
Marge: "Earl Warren was not a stripper!"
Homer: "Now who's being naive?"
Homer: "Jesus, Allah, Buddha, I love you all!" (Covering his bases, Vincenza)
Bart: "Cult, church, church, cult-- so we'll get bored somewhere else every Sunday."
Homer: "To alcohol: the cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems."(This was the episode that was on when I was out getting drunk on St. Patrick's Day, Vincenza)
Mayor Quimby: "What? You can't possibly want to prohibit alcohol! It tastes great! Makes women more attractive! Makes a person virtually invulnerable to criticism!"
Redneck: "Hey, Mister, wanna fight?"
Other Redneck: "Them's fightin' words!"
Homer watching an infomercial
Dr Nick: "Here we have the tombstone of Edgar Alan Poe."
Troy McClure: "One of America's foremost writers."
Dr Nick: "Alas, a century of neglect has turned this tombstone into a depressing eyesore."
Troy: "So what? I'll guess we'll have to throw it out."
Dr Nick: "Not so fast, Troy! With just one application of 'Spiffy,' you'd think the body was still warm."
Homer: "Oooh, that's one clean tombstone."
Troy: "'Quoth the raven: "what a shine."'"
Homer: "Some stupid wine guy put a cork in this bottle."
Homer: "Sew my thumb back on? This isn't Gattaca!!!!"
George Harrison: "Mr. Simpson, I'm George Harrison."
Homer: (gasp) "Oh my God...oh my God... where did you get that brownie?!!"
Homer: "Mr Burns fell out the window."
Lisa: "Did he die?"
Homer: "What am I, a doctor?"(A good all-purpose response when you don't know something, Vincenza)
Marge: "Didn't the car used to have a windshield?"
Homer: "Was, Marge, was! Always living in the past!"
Marge (to an Australian guy): "We have those in America. They're called bullfrogs."
Aussie: "What? That's a funny name. I'd have called them 'Chazz-wazzes'!"
Comic Book Guy: "Yes, finally. I would like to return your quote unquote ultimate belt."
Sarcastic Middle-aged Guy: "I see. Do you have a receipt, quote unquote sir?"
CBG: "No, I do not have a receipt. I won it as a door prize at a Star Trek convention, although I find their choice of prize highly illogical, as the average trekker has no need for a medium-sized belt."
SMAG: "Whoa, whoa. A fat sarcastic Star Trek fan. You must be a devil with the ladies!"
CBG: "Why... I... oh... I..."
SMAG: "Sorry, Casanova, but no receipt, no return."
Mr. Burns (answering the phone): "Ahoy-hoy? No, this is the wrong number... This is 8904. I suggest you practice dialing your telephone-machine."
Homer (in a funny voice): "Hello, my name is Mr. Burns. I believe you have a letter for me."
Post Office Worker: "All right, Mr. Burns, what's your first name?"
Homer: "...I don't know."
An ancestor to Mr Burns, circa the last turn of the century, on being told that in the future, Japan will be an economic superpower:
"The Japanese? Those sandal-wearing goldfish tenders? I'd like to see that!"
Mr Burns: "Family, friends, religion: these are the three demons you must slay if you are to succeed in business. When opportunity knocks, you can't be driving to the maternity ward or sitting in some phony-baloney church. Or 'synagogue.'"
Lisa: "How could you have done your magic act? Your magic kit is still here."
Bart: "Or so it would seem!"
Homer: "Herman, how could you? Sure, we've all thought about counterfeiting jeans before, but think of the victims: Calvin Klein, Gloria Vanderbilt, Antoine Bugle Boy... people who saw an overcrowded market and said, 'Me, too!'"
Mr Burns: "Schindler and I are like peas in a pod. We both owned factories, we both made shells for the Nazis, but dammit, mine worked!"
Marge: "Homer, we agreed to limit pork to six servings a week."
Homer: "Marge, I'm only human!"
Homer: "If God didn't want us to eat in church, He would have made gluttony a sin."
Grampa: "That doll is evil, I tells ya! Eeeeviiiil!"
Marge: "Grampa, you said that about all of Bart's gifts."
Grampa (meekly): "I just want attention."
Marge: "Your boss called and said if you miss work tomorrow, don't bother coming in on Monday."
Homer: "Woo-hoo! Four-day weekend!"
Mr. Burns: "How dare you spill my valuable acid all over my precious wall!!"
(Schoolhouse rock parody)
"I'm an amendment to be, yes an amendment to be, and I'm hoping that they'll ratify me,
there's a lot of flag burners who have got too much freedom,
I wanna make it legal for policemen to beat 'em
cause there's limits to our liberties
'least I hope and pray that there are
cause those liberal freaks go too far!"
Boy: "But why can't you just make a law against flag-burning?"
Bill: "Because that law would be unconstitutional. But if we *changed* the constitution--"
Boy: "They could make all sorts of crazy laws!"
Bill: "Hey, now you're catching on!"
Boy: "What happens if you don't get ratified?"
Bill: "Then I'll crush all opposition to me
And I'll make Ted Kennedy pay
If he fights back, I'll say that he's gay."
Homer: "When it comes to compliments, women are blood-sucking creatures, always wanting more, *more,* MORE! And if you give it to them, you'll get plenty back in return! I'll tell you when you're older." (Homer fantasizes about Marge mowing the lawn while he drinks beer in the hammock).
Miss Hoover: "This is nothing but dead, white male-bashing by some PC thug! It's women like you who keep the rest of us from landing a husband!" (story of my life, right there, Vincenza)
Homer: (reading the Sunday paper sections) "Art...(derisively) Religion...oh, here we go, 'Kickin' Back'!"
Jon Lovitz (as a theater director): "I am not an easy man to work with. In my last production, 'Hats off to Hanukkah,' I reduced several of my cast members to tears. Did I expect too much of fourth graders? The review, 'play enjoyed by *all*' speaks for itself."
Comic Book Guy (dressed as Copernicus): "Verily I declare that the Earth revolves around the sun and not 'tother way around." (I always knew he was in the SCA, Vincenza)
Homer: "Kids, I'm not gonna die! That only happens to bad people."
Bart: "What about Abe Lincoln?"
Homer: "Uh... he sold poisoned milk to school children." (Historical revision in action, Vincenza)
Kearney (to Apu): "Good evening, young man, my name is Charles Norwood, furthermore to this beer I will have three of your finest, cheapest cigars. Here is my ID which confirms my adultivity."
Homer: "Kill my boss! Dare I live out the American dream?"
On feminism
Homer: "If the bible has taught us nothing else, and it hasn't, it's that girls should stick to girl sports, like hot oil wrestling, foxy boxing and such and such." (Not exactly a Nike ad, Vincenza)
On Ivy Rivalry
Mr. Burns: "So I say let Harvard have their academics and their athletics! Yale will always be number one in gentlemanly club life." (I don't want to be around when the Simpsons get to making fun of PENN, my alma matter. I mean, Ivy League State, Vincenza)
Marge: "You know how I feel about hoaxes."
Homer: "Still?!"
Homer: "Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try."
Homer: "Kids, if you really want something in life, you have to earn it. Now quiet! They're about to announce the winning lottery numbers!"
Homer (to Marge): "Sure, everything looks bad if you remember it!"
Homer (telling the end of a ghost story): "....And she hit him on the head with a golf club!!!"
Bart: "And...?"
Homer: "Don't you remember? He used to go golfing all the time and it really bugged her."
Lisa: "You said he went bowling."
Homer: "D'oh!"
Lisa: "'It is better to be silent and be thought of a fool than to open one's mouth and remove all doubt.'"
Homer's brain: "Uh oh, you better say something or you'll look like an idiot."
Homer: "Takes one to know one!"
Homer's brain: "Swish!"
Homer on medicinal marijuana: "I could blow smoke in the president's monkey face and he would just have to sit there and groooooove on it!"
Homer: "If you truly love Jebediah, you'll dig his bones out of the ground to prove my daughter wrong! Dig up his grave! Pull out his tongue!"
Mayor Quimby: "Can't we have one meeting that doesn't end with us digging up a corpse?"
Bart (to Lisa, about to enter the boy's bathroom): "There's nothing in there you haven't seen from when Dad boycotted pants." (Sounds a lot like my dad, Vincenza)
Homer (to Marge): "Before the media blew all this out of proportion, I bet you didn't even know how many eyes a fish had!"
Homer: "When Marge told me that she was going to be a cop, I thought it would be funny and entertaining, you know, like that movie, Spaceballs. But instead, it's just horrible and disturbing like that movie, Police Academy."
Homer's brain: "Don't tell him you were in a bar. Don't tell him you were in a bar. But what else is open late at night?"
Homer (in a funny voice): "It was a pornography store. I was buying pornography."
Homer's brain: "Whew, I woulda never thought of that one."
Girl Nerd: "Is there a discount for these water-damaged Little Lulus?"
Comic Book Guy: (Sighs) "First of all, it is not water, it is Diet Mr. Pibb, and second of all..."
(Their eyes meet and they have a love-at-first-sight moment)
CBG: "Tell me, how do you feel about 44-year-old virgins who still live at home with their parents?"
GN (sexily): "Comb the SweetTarts out of your beard and you're on."
CBG: "Don't try to change me, baby!"
Bart: "Why do we need church shoes? Jesus wore sandals."
Homer: "Maybe if he had better arch support, they wouldn't have caught him." (Is that what really happened? Vincenza)
This isn't a quote, but I love how the neighboring town's baseball team, the Shelbyville Shelbyvillians, sounds an awful lot like a parody of the Philadelphia Phillies.
Mr Burns (on the phone again): "So what do you want on your pizza pie?....Extra cheese!! Who am I-- Lorenzo de Medici?!!!!"
Homer (singing): "I am so smart, I am so smart, S-M-R-T, I mean, S-M-A-R-T..."
Bullies: "Look, he's learning on his own!"
Marge: "We have $2000 credit at Chanel."
Homer: "They have beer and gum, right?"
Homer: "God is my favorite fictional character."
(He's my favorite cartoonish super villain, Vincenza)
Superintendent Chalmers: "Prayer has no place in school, just as learning has no place in organized religion."
On science
Homer: "You can use facts to prove anything that's even remotely true!"
Flanders: "I say there are things we don't want to know...important things!"
(Later, in an anti-science rampage, Moe attacks a statue of Leonardo da Vinci or something, injuring himself.)
Moe: "I hope medical science can cure me." (Look who's come crawling back, Vincenza)
Mr. Burns: "You know, Smithers, I'm thinking of donating a million dollars to the local orphanage...when pigs fly!" (They laugh evilly until a pig really does fly by)
Smithers: "Will you be donating that million dollars now, sir?"
Mr. Burns: "No, I'd still prefer not."
Inspectors: "Mr. Burns, we're here to do a surprise inspection of the nuclear power plant."
Mr. Burns: "What? Oh, you've made a mistake. We make...cookies here. Mr. Burns' good-time, old-fashioned, extra-chewy..."
Inspectors: "Get the axe."
Homer (to Marge): "You're always on someone else's side! Eenumerates) Flanders, the water department, God..."
Announcer of a radio religion talk show:
"Gabbin' about God, sponsored by Ace Religious Supplies, where they say,
'If we don't got it, it ain't holy.'"
Homer: "Well, time to go to work."
Homer's brain: "Little do they know I'm ducking out early to take the
Duff Brewery tour."
Homer: "Roll in at nine, punch out at five, that's the plan."
Homer's brain: "Heh, heh, heh. They don't suspect a thing."
( The camera pans down to Homer's mouth, but he doesn't say
anything)
"Well, off to the plant."
Homer: "Then to the Duff Brewery."
Homer's brain: "Uh, oh. Did I say that or just think it?"
Homer: (panicky) "I've got to think of a lie fast!
Marge: "Homer, are you going to the Duff Brewery?"
Homer: "Aah!" [Runs off]
Homer: (whiny) "I'm not popular enough to be different!"
Homer and Burns chat.
Burns: "We don't have to be adversaries, Homer.
We both want a fair union contract."
Homer's brain: "Why is Mr. Burns being so nice to me?"
Burns: "And if you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours."
Homer's brain: "Wait a minute. Is he coming onto me?"
Burns: "I mean, if I should slip something into your pocket, what's the harm?"
Homer's brain: "My God! He *is* coming onto me!"
Burns: "After all, negotiations make strange bedfellows."
(chuckle, wink)
Homer's brain: "Aaaaaagh!"
Homer: "Sorry, Mr. Burns, but I don't go in for these backdoor shenanigans.
Sure, I'm flattered, maybe even a little curious,
but the answer is no!" (Heh heh, back door. Anyone else want to know why that's funny? Vincenza)
College Admissions person on Homer's essay: "Reading his essay would waste valuable seconds."
Homer: "So *if* we don't all vote the same way, we'll be *deadlocked*
and have to be *sequestered* in the Springfield Palace Hotel..."
Patty: "That's not going to happen, Homer."
Jasper: "Let's vote. My liver is failing."
Homer: "-- where we'll get a free room, free food, free swimming pool,
free HBO -- Ooh! 'Free Willy'!"
Skinner: "Justice is not a frivolous thing, Simpson. It has little if
anything to do with a disobedient whale. Now let's vote!"
On getting even with George Bush, Sr., although this was before you had to specify that
Homer: "So I thought to myself, 'what would God do in this situation?'"
Grandpa: "The metric system's the tool of the devil! My car gets forty rods to the hogs' head and that's just the way I likes it!" (Well, he was a member of the Stonecutters, Vincenza)
On weight-gain for dangerously underweight individuals
Dr Nick: "Be creative! Instead of chewing gum, chew bacon! Instead of making sandwiches on bread, use pop tarts!"
Bart: "You could brush your teeth with milkshakes!"
Dr Nick: "Hey, did you go to the Hollywood Upstairs Medical College, too?"
Homer: "I got the idea from this movie about a bus that was speeding around town, and it had to keep speeding, and if it went below a certain speed, it would explode! I think it was called 'The Bus that Couldn't Slow Down.'" (They should title all movies like that, Vincenza)
Homer: "This is the last bar in town! If they don't let me in, I'll have to quit drinking!"
Homer's liver: "Yay!"
Homer: "Shut up, liver!"
Homer recollects his social calendar
Homer: "Keggers, beer blasts, benders, AA meetings, beer bashes..."
Patrick Stewart as the number one Stonecutter: "Welcome to the ancient mystical order of the Stonecutters, who since ancient times have smashed the stones of ignorance. Now let's all get drunk and play ping pong!" (Ignor-what?, vincenza)
Homer (concerned about Lisa) :"What's wrong, Angel Pie?"
Mr Burns asks a younger woman out on a date
"You could sing while I accompany you on the clapsichord."
Bart: "Just so you won't hear any wild rumors, I'm being indicted for fraud in Australia."
Homer: "That's no reason for blocking the TV!"
Homer asks Lisa to sit up front with him because she won the hockey game
Lisa: "Dad, you're rewarding competitive violence, which is wrong. (Smiles hopefully) However, I will sit up front with you if it's a fatherly gesture of love."
Homer concedes to this and lovingly lets Lisa sit up front while grunting affectionately, then
Homer: "Sucker! Competitive violence! That's why you're here!"
Mr Burns: "Dogs are idiots! If I started licking your face and slobbering at your crotch, what would you say?"
Smithers: "If *you* did it, Sir?" (When is Burns going to acknowledge what's going on here? Vincenza)
Homer (giving advice on bullies): "There's only one language they understand: squealing! You've got to squeal to every teacher and grown-up you can find. Coming to me was a good start."
Bart: "But then they'll just beat me up more."
Homer: "Yes...they are a clever bunch..." (Isn't this the opposite of Homer's earlier-- and equally counterproductive-- advice that squealing is against the code of the schoolyard? Vincenza)
At 17th Century witch burnings
Lisa: "If they're really witches, why aren't they using their powers to escape?"
Homer: "That sounds like witch talk to me!" (Sounds like an accurate portrayal of the contemporary mindset, Vincenza)
