I think my mom is pretty funny. Here are a few of her moments.
"I lost my lemonade! Help me find it!"
(Hearing the music from an ice cream truck and thinking it was music my brother was playing) "Is this a tape, or a CD?"
Sam (my brother): "Sarah, could I have some of those pictures that that artist took of you?"
Sarah: "What do you want naked pictures of your sister for, you perv?"
Sam: "I could sell them. They'd be worth a lot - well, some money anyway."
Sarah: "Oh, listen to him. They'd be worth some money. I am so proud."
Mom: "I don't need this! I have enough problems!"
"(Gasp) It's 2:00-- I have to eat lunch!"
"A tequila sunrise is beautiful. It has orange juice, grenadine and then some kind of alcohol, I forget what."
On a restaurant not due to open until 9:00 AM:
"Why won't they open early? In Israel, they would open early for us...It's 8:45 already!" (Starts banging on the door) "Open up! Open up!"
"Get the F***ing pants! Then get me something else grey to sew, quick!"
"In 1962, I worked at the first kibbutz in Israel that made apple cider. This was during the 6 day war, I was in a tent, and this was before running shoes were invented, which is what sneakers were called when they first came out and... Sarah, why are you laughing? Fine then, I won't finish my story!"
"I can't find my date-nut bar recipe! I put it in a special place!"
On child discipline:
"If you do that, I'll read your journal."
"What? I never did that stuff to you! I don't remember that!"
"Why can't I read what you've written?"
"I can't take this right now! I need to lie down!"
"I've got to get home for Seinfeld!"
all-purpose conversation starters:
"In 1963, at UC Berkeley..."
"You're lucky I spared you the Jewish experience."
to a woman who used to be a compulsive overeater:
"Why couldn't you just stop eating?"
On being in touch with pop culture:
"I can name a singer...Kim Bush. No, wait, Kate Bush."
On maintaining a successful marriage:
"Tony, I'm not going to miss you while I'm gone because I'm going to be too busy having fun."
Sarah: "Mom, do you remember when you told me you were going to try not to be so neurotic about food?"
Mom: "When did I promise that?!"
Sarah: "Mom, quit acting hysterical."
Mom: "Don't tell me what to do!"
On having children:
"Marc cloned himself! You're my punishment for marrying him!"
Sarah: (asking about graduate school) "Mom, I have a question."
Mom: "Tab A goes into slot B."
Sarah: "No, Mom, something different."
Sarah: "Mom, when you were my age, did you ever have a crush on a celebrity?"
Mom: "Oh, sure. I used to really love Milton Berle."
Sarah: "But, Mom, I thought you loved Israel."
Mom: "I don't love *everything* about it. For example, Israelis."
(going through my to-give-away pile)
"Sarah, this is garbage! You have to throw these away! No one will take these, even a poor Bulgarian! Oh, wait, I'll take them."
Sarah: "Look, Mom, if you pledge $150 to PBS, you'd get a set of 6 Inspector Morse DVDs."
Mom: "$150? For 6 DVDs?...Well, I would take them for free."
(on dating)
"Sarah, there are goyim and then there are goyim and you have to know which ones to date. Now It's OK to date Italians, but never date a WASP, because at least Catholics have that ethnic-guilt thing." (I'm paraphrasing a little here for the sake of concision)
"Form follows function, so shut up."
"Shut up! I'm quirky!"
Sarah (having just bought a MENSA quiz book): "Mom, this week I'm going to see how smart you are."
Mom: "Shouldn't you be out looking for a job?!"
On shopping:
Mom: "Sarah, I'd like to go with you to HMV."
Sarah: "OK. What CD do you need?"
Mom: "I mean HMS."
Sarah: (by now I know she means H&M, the clothing store) "HMS Pinafore?"
Mom: "No..."
Other names Mom has called H&M: HMO, H&S, H&O, B&O, B&M (bad marketing on those last three) and I think there are some more.
Fighting with Mom and trying to resolve things:
Sarah: "It's more important for you and me to have a good relationship than for me to be vindicated. I love you, Mom."
Mom: "I know you love me! You said that about 5 times already! I get it! You go into these little speeches and just repeat the same thing!"
On Mom's medical and psychological expertise:
Sarah: "Mom, you always disagree with what professionals tell me."
Mom: "Often, they don't know what they're talking about."
Sarah: "You even disagreed with my doctor when I had allergies and you thought it was the flu. Have *you* been to medical school?"
Mom: "There are different kinds of doctors."
(I'm not exactly sure what she means by this, Vincenza)
On this website:
"The picture of you is cute, except that you look like you have asymmetrical mumps in your left cheek." Thanks, Mom.
