Title: In Memoriam Author: Kalina Email: [email protected] Rating: PG Summary: Three friends reunite to pay their respects to their former commanding officer. Author's Note/Disclaimer: The characters in this story are the property of Fox and are used without permission. No infringement is intended on the rightful owners.   *****************  "That loss is common would not make My own less bitter, rather more: Too common! Never morning wore To evening, but some heart did break." In Memoriam A.H.H., Alfred, Lord Tennyson ***************** February 1983 "Are you sure this is where we�re supposed to be meeting?" "I�m sure this is what they told me at the hotel desk. Assuming they know how to take a message, this is where we�re supposed to be meeting." "I was kind of hoping not to see this thing, you know?" "Yeah. From the pictures I�ve seen, it�s pretty grim." "It�s also freezing out here. I wonder why she didn�t want to meet someplace inside. The hotel lobby springs to mind. We could have driven straight from there." He glanced at his friend in mild irritation and buried his hands a little deeper in his overcoat as he blew warm breath upward in an effort to warm his nose. "Aw, don�t be such a baby. You�re from Maine for crying out loud. You should be used to cold weather." "I am. I�m used to staying inside in front of a warm fire during cold weather. We New Englanders are a sensible lot � nothing like you crazy Californians." BJ Hunnicut laughed at his friend�s familiar griping as the two silver-haired men made their way across the Mall toward the newly dedicated Vietnam Veteran�s Memorial. Gray clouds scuttled through the air, bourne on the sharp wind that cut straight through their layers of warm clothing. They hadn�t seen Margaret Houlihan in thirty years, but she had contacted them recently and asked them to come to Washington. They planned to go together to Arlington National Cemetery where their former commanding officer had recently been interred. It wasn�t the happiest reason for a reunion, but they were both excited about seeing Margaret again. She had been a bit vague about her personal life on the phone, but she had told them that she was still in the army and working at Walter Reed. They were looking forward to hearing more about her and were each armed with pictures of their children, and, in BJ�s case, grandchildren. The two men had kept up with one another over the years, but they had lost touch with virtually everyone else from the 4077th as they had become caught up in their civilian lives. Margaret�s call had come as a huge surprise, but it was a welcome one despite her sad news. They were glad to have this chance to see her and to pay their final respects to the man who had given them such gentle leadership and guidance during the difficult years in Korea. She was standing in front of the new granite monument and seemed small against such a formidible backdrop. Both men stopped at a distance and looked at her for a moment. Her silvery blond hair was up in a chignon, but other than the fact that she now wore glasses, she appeared to have changed very little. She�d be in her sixties now, they imagined, but her figure was still trim, her back still straight. She wasn�t looking around for them or taking much note of the others visiting the memorial but was instead staring at the wall, apparently lost in thought. "How come we had to get old while she stayed the same?" Hawkeye asked. "Beats me," BJ answered. "But if the army keeps you young, she can have it." "Good point," Hawkeye said, and then he took a deep breath. "Well, shall we?" They made their way closer, and Hawkeye cleared his throat to get her attention. She looked up and greeted them with a smile. They were silent for a moment, each unsure of how to bridge the years. When Margaret had seen Hawkeye and BJ last, they had been young men in their thirties, usually scruffy and unkempt. Now she was confronted by two distinguished looking men in their sixties. Both had gone completely gray, and BJ�s hair was considerably thinner, but she noted that he still had a somewhat neater version of his beloved moustache. Margaret spoke first. "Thanks for coming," she said. "It�s � it�s wonderful to see you both again." "Margaret." Hawkeye moved forward and took her into his arms. They stood there for a moment, and then BJ said, "Hey, it�s my turn now!" and they all laughed as he embraced her. "You look beautiful Margaret," he said, releasing her. "The years have been good to you." "I don�t know about that," Margaret said with a sad smile. "I think maybe I just have a good hairdresser." Hawkeye stamped his feet and blew out another warm breath. "This place is colder than Maine," he complained. "Margaret, can I ask what we�re doing here?" He gestured at the wall. "There�s something I need to show you, Hawkeye," she answered. "That�s why I asked you to meet me here. I�ve wanted to call you for years, but somehow�anyway, I figured now was the time." Hawkeye and BJ exchanged looks. They knew they weren�t going to like what was coming. Margaret got up and approached the wall and then stooped down to point to a name: Walter O�Reilly. "Oh God." Hawkeye breathed. Questions raced through his head but for the life of him he couldn�t articulate them over the dead weight that had settled on his chest. "How?" was all BJ managed to say. "I was with him when he died," Margaret said quietly. "He never had a chance, but I got to spend the last two hours with him, and I was holding his hand when he went." "What was he doing there?" Hawkeye found his voice, and Margaret heard the rage and pain behind his words. "They can�t draft twice." "He volunteered," she said simply. "He felt that he had talents and experience that could be put to good use over there. He wanted to serve his country." "He had served his country," BJ retorted. "He didn�t owe it anything else." "He was a grown man, BJ. It was his choice." "So you were there too," BJ said in a dull voice, reaching out to touch the name. "We wondered about that. Remember Hawk? We talked about whether Margaret or anyone else we knew might have gone to Vietnam." Hawkeye nodded but remained silent, staring at the small �Walter O�Reilly� etched among the sea of names, each one representing a loss - someone�s husband, father, brother, son, friend. Margaret answered him. "Yeah, I went. I was a nurse in the army with combat experience. I didn�t stand a chance of staying state-side. And it was awful. Worse than anything we saw in Korea. I made some good friends though. It was like the 4077th in that regard. When you go through something like that, you either cling together or you lose your sanity." "Was Radar in combat?" Hawkeye couldn�t imagine his gentle friend holding a weapon. "No, he was a clerk, just like in Korea. He was good at his job. His CO had sent him on an errand through an area that was supposed to be secured," she said. "It wasn�t," she added, unnecessarily. She took a deep breath and continued. "They brought him to our unit, and I heard him calling my name during triage. I had been promoted, so I wasn�t used to hearing �Major Houlihan� anymore." She gave the men a small smile. "I had another nurse take my shift so that I could stay with him. He was able to talk for about an hour, and then he slipped into coma. I kept him comfortable, held his hand, promised to contact his wife for him." "I didn�t even know he�d gotten married," Hawkeye said. "I should have called him when I got back home." "He talked a lot about you during that hour," Margaret said. "You never stopped being his hero, Hawkeye. He was disappointed that I didn�t have any news of you, and said that if I ever did see you, he wanted me to tell you thanks, and to tell you goodbye. Said he�d never really had a chance to say those things before he left the 4077th." "I wouldn�t let him," Hawkeye said, staring at the name once again and dredging up the memories from more than three decades before.. "He tried, but I was too big a coward to face him honestly. Wanted to wait until I was drunk so I could laugh it off just like I laughed off everything else over there. Then we got called into the OR. By the time we got out, he was gone." "I remember," Margaret said, and the three stood in silence for a long moment. "Why the hell are you telling us this now?" Hawkeye turned on her suddenly and savagely. "He�s been gone for years. Why did you even have to tell us this?" BJ laid a hand on his friend�s arm. "Easy Hawk." "No, dammit! I want to know. What possible point could there be in putting us through this now? We came here to visit Colonel Potter�s grave. Wasn�t that bad enough?" "I promised him, Hawkeye," Margaret said quietly. "I promised him I�d tell you, and now I�ve kept my promise. I didn�t look you up after thirty years and bring you here just to cause you pain. Anyway, I�ve learned that not knowing is a lot more painful." Hawkeye swore again and put one hand over his mouth to hide the fact that his lips were trembling, though whether it was from the cold, the rage, or the grief he honestly couldn�t have said. "He was still so young," he said, his voice muffled by his woolen gloves. "He had so much life ahead of him." Margaret gestured up and down the five hundred foot length of the wall. "They all did, Hawkeye." "I�m sorry Margaret." Hawkeye reached out and took her hand. "I shouldn�t have attacked the messenger." "It�s OK." She squeezed his gloved hand in understanding. "I�m sorry I had to be the one to tell you. You�re right to be angry. There�s no way to look at this. . .this incredible waste and not be angry." She looked at the dramatic monument. It seemed to stretch on forever, and the names were so small. "Margaret, what did you mean when you said that not knowing was even more painful?" BJ asked perceptively. She released Hawkeye�s hand and turned away from them for a moment, and they thought that she might not answer. "I got married after Korea," she said finally. "My husband was in the army too. I should have known better than to marry a soldier, shouldn�t I? But I just couldn�t resist this guy. He was wonderful � really different from me, but he forced me to have fun, to live life. We laughed together every single day. I�d never been that happy before. Never been with anyone who made me feel so good about myself." She took a deep breath and told them what they had already surmised. "His name is on this wall too." She paused for a moment. "He shipped out to Vietnam three months before I did. We had planned to get together the first chance I got for R&R, but right before we were scheduled to meet, he disappeared. He was leading his men from one sector to another, and they just never showed up. I�ll never know for sure what happened. I don�t even know for sure that I�m a widow, but I hope I am. The alternative is just..." She turned to face them. "We had eight good years together, and that�s more than a lot of people have. I�m grateful for that time, and I could deal with being a widow, I think, but not knowing is awful. I met Radar�s wife here when they dedicated the wall in November. I had written to her when he died, but it was good to get to talk to her face-to-face, to tell her what I could of his last moments. I�d give anything if someone could do that for me." She turned away, tears in her eyes. "Margaret, I am so, so sorry." BJ knew the words were inadequate, but he said them anyway. "I don�t know what to say," Hawkeye added softly. "There�s nothing to say," Margaret answered, wiping her eyes. "Nothing at all. But thanks." She paused a moment, and then went on, sounding stronger. "I brought something for Radar. Would you like to do the honors, Hawkeye?" She reached into her purse and pulled out a bottle of Grape Nehi and handed it to Hawkeye. Hawkeye looked at the bottle in his hand and then looked at BJ. For the first time that day, they both burst out laughing. "That�s perfect, Margaret," BJ said. "Just perfect." "I thought so too," Margaret answered. "It was all I could think of." Hawkeye held the bottle up in the air in a toasting gesture. "Here�s to you, Radar," he said. "Goodbye friend. And thanks." He stepped forward and set the bottle down at the base of the wall where it joined flags, flowers and other mementos of loved ones lost. "Could you guys give me just a minute?" Margaret asked, and at their nods she walked ten or fifteen paces down the wall. She stood for a moment, just looking, and then touched her index finger gently to her lips before running it lightly over one of the names. Hawkeye and BJ looked away as she placed a note on the ground. When she rejoined them, surprisingly composed, she said, "My car�s nearby. Would you like me to drive us to Arlington?" "Sure thing," BJ answered lightly. "It would be a relief, actually. Hawk�s had us lost ever since we got here." "I didn�t notice you ever offering to drive," Hawkeye retorted. "What, and deprive you of the opportunity to go the wrong way down one-way streets and leave your turn signal on for ten minutes at a time?" "You two sound like an old married couple," Margaret commented with a chuckle. "Didn�t we tell you?" Hawkeye joked. "We�re celebrating our anniversary next Tuesday." "I wouldn�t marry you if you were the last man on earth," BJ said, and they all laughed. By unspoken mutual agreement, the two men had decided to keep the pictures of their families in their wallets. It didn�t seem appropriate to brag about what they had in the face of all that Margaret had lost. But on the way to Arlington, Margaret broached the subject herself. "BJ, tell me about your family. Did you and Peg have any more kids after Erin?" "We did," BJ confirmed. "We had two more. A boy and then another girl. They�re all grown up now. Erin is 31 and married with two kids of her own. Jay is 27 and is doing his residency in orthopedics, and Lisa is 25 and has just gone back to college after spending a few years �finding herself.� She�s definitely been the toughest one of the bunch, but her mother and I finally think she�s on the right track." "And how is Peg?" "Peg is doing well," BJ said, "but actually, she and I divorced about ten years ago." Margaret gasped and took her eyes off the road long enough to give him a stunned look. BJ had anticipated her response and went on. "We�re on great terms and are as involved with the kids as they�ll let us be, but we�ve both remarried. She and her husband are in LA, and my wife Janice and I are still in the Bay area." "BJ, I can�t believe you and Peg divorced. I would have sworn that you two were forever." "Yeah, well, I think we had a chance at forever, and maybe we just blew it. We had Jay and Lisa pretty quick after I came back from the war, and then it seemed like for fifteen years we did nothing but raise kids. Peg was a great mom � really involved with their schools and stuff � but it didn�t leave much time to be a wife. I wasn�t any better. I was busy making a living, and then after work I was coaching and helping the kids with homework. I had missed Erin so much, and I wanted to make up for that somehow, but Peg and I just�forgot to be married. And then one day Erin went off to college, and the other two were in high school and busy with their own lives, and Peg and I realized we didn�t know each other anymore. We tried for awhile, but�we just didn�t make it." "I�m sorry BJ," Margaret said. "I�m glad you�re on good terms, but I�m sure any divorce after so many years of marriage would have to be tough." "It was," BJ acknowledged. "I had a hard couple of years, no doubt about it, but things gradually got better, and I started seeing Janice. She�s a pediatrician, also divorced. We�ve been married for six years now, and things are wonderful." "I�m glad," Margaret said, flashing him a smile. She then caught Hawkeye�s eye in the rearview mirror. "What about you Hawkeye? I assume that was your wife who answered the phone when I called. When did you marry?" "I got married about three years after the war. You may remember her � Carlye Walton was her name during the war. She served under you at the 4077th for a few weeks." Margaret couldn�t remember a face, but did remember the name vaguely. "Wasn�t she the one you were involved with during residency?" "The very same. There was never really anyone else for me. I compared every woman I met to her, and no one ever measured up. We ran into each other again at a meeting in Boston a couple of years after I came home from Korea. She had divorced and I had settled into private practice � settled down, as she puts it � and the time was just finally right for us. I still think back to that time every now and then, and I�m scared when I realize how close I came to walking away from her. She had hurt me so badly � twice � that I just didn�t think I could go through losing her a third time. This guy," he slapped BJ playfully on the back of the head, "was the one who convinced me to try again." "You still owe me for that," BJ chimed in. "I do not. Whose guest room did you live in for a month when Peg left? Who flew across the country on three minutes notice to stand up with you when you married Janice? Who �" "Oh shut up," BJ said. "Just finish telling the story." "As I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted," Hawkeye went on, "Carlye and I have been married for 27 years now. We raised her son from her first marriage and then we had a daughter. Mark is 29 and Anne is 25 and engaged to be married." "Yeah, she and Lisa were born two months apart," BJ added, "and have always been good friends. They were terrors whenever we got together. Made for some interesting family vacations." "BJ and I agree that boys are infinitely easier," Hawkeye said. "Mark is a great kid. He�s doing something with computers. I don�t understand it at all, but he swears it�s the wave of the future. He doesn�t even try to explain it to an old geezer like me, but he promises he�ll be able to take care of us in our old age, so that�s all that matters." "He is a great kid," BJ agreed. "We�ve tried for years to set him up with Lisa, but neither one of them is having it. We tried with Anne and Jay too, but then Anne had to go and get herself engaged to someone else." "The nerve of them," Margaret said, "wanting to pick their own mates." "Exactly," Hawkeye said, as if he hadn�t noticed she was joking. "Surely it�s obvious that Beej and I know what�s best for them. They�re just being stubborn." Margaret glanced in the rearview mirror again and smiled. It was fun listening to the two old friends. She knew in Korea that their friendship was something special, but she hadn�t anticipated that it would endure through the years quite as well as it obviously had. She was happy for them though. The war had taken so much, but it had given something back � to all of them. The banter continued until they pulled through the iron gates of Arlington National Cemetery. The acres upon acres of small white headstones were a sobering sight and one that commanded reverence. Without even realizing it, Hawkeye began to speak in a hushed voice. "Margaret, did you stay in touch with the Colonel over the years?" "Yeah, I did. Some years it wasn�t much more than a Christmas card, and then other years we would talk every few months or so. It just kind of depended on what was going on in my life at the time. He always knew where he could find me though." "I guess Hawk and I just kind of assumed the Colonel had died years ago," BJ said, ashamed. "I don�t know why � he was one of the toughest guys I�ve ever known. He was probably too stubborn to die." "You know, it�s funny," Hawkeye said thoughtfully. "I�m older now than the Colonel was when he took over the 4077th. He was about your age Beej. It doesn�t seem so old now, but remember how he seemed to us then?" "I think he liked being the father-figure though," Margaret said, switching on her wipers as the gray clouds lived up to their promise and a light snow began to fall. "He definitely had more experience than the rest of us, and he was flattered that we looked to him for guidance when all we were really obligated to do was to follow his orders." "Well, we didn�t follow orders all that well," Hawkeye laughed, "but we did need his guidance. He always reminded me a lot of my Dad." "And he thought of all of us as his children," Margaret said. "He told me so lots of times." She parked the car and added, "It�s this way." They were silent as she led them through the falling snow to the simple marker. It was quiet and private, with just the three of them there. Hawkeye looked at the dates on the white headstone. "He was 93," he said reverently. "Think of all that he had seen." "A lot of it was pretty awful," BJ said. "He lived through four wars. Thank God he didn�t have to go to Vietnam. Margaret, I guess you told him about Radar, huh?" Margaret nodded. "Yes, and it nearly broke his heart. Oddly enough, I think Vietnam was the hardest war for him. He�d grown to hate war, but it was still hard for him to be on the sidelines. He told me he would watch the evening news and find himself swearing at the television." She gave them a wry smile. "I can just hear him shouting �mule muffins� at Walter Cronkite, can�t you? And of course, he knew when I shipped out and worried a lot about me while I was over there. It was a difficult time for him, and it just went on for so long." "That it did," Hawkeye agreed. Margaret stepped forward and put the flowers she had brought on the Colonel�s grave. The snow had quickly covered the ground and the vibrant colors were beautiful against the soft white background. Hawkeye and BJ hadn�t brought anything, but they glanced at each other and then stepped back and saluted Colonel Potter for the second time in their lives. "He was a hell of a guy," BJ said. "I don�t know what we�d have done over there without him." "I�m glad we didn�t have to find out," Margaret said. "It�s been hard enough for me living without him these last two months." "You�ve lost a lot in your life Margaret," Hawkeye said, putting a gentle arm around her. "I have," she agreed, leaning into his embrace, "but I don�t grieve for Colonel Potter, Hawkeye. I miss him, but I know that he was ready to go. Like you said, he�d seen a lot during his years on this earth, and he wasn�t interested in seeing much more. He lost Mildred eight years ago, and he was ready to be with her again. I think that he is." "I think so too," Hawkeye said, trying not to think about the day when he might have to live without Carlye. Even after 27 years together, he still couldn�t face the thought of losing her a third time. The three old friends stood together for a quiet moment, until finally BJ said, "We�d probably better go guys. This stuff is coming fast now and the roads may get bad." "I agree," Margaret said. "Goodbye Colonel," Hawkeye said, taking a last look at the headstone that bore the name Sherman T. Potter. "Rest in peace � at last." Margaret drove them back to their hotel, but it was a quiet trip. Her attention was on the increasingly hazardous roads, and Hawkeye and BJ were thinking of the day�s revelations - one friend lost in the prime of his life, another lost after nearly three times as many years on the earth, and a third living daily with a loss that would always remain an open wound. When they arrived at the hotel, Margaret got out of the car to embrace them both. "Thank you for making this trip," she said. "I know it wasn�t a fun day, but it meant a lot to me to be able to say goodbye to them one more time with you." "It meant a lot to us too, Margaret," BJ assured her. "It means even more that we�ve found you again. Don�t be a stranger, OK?" "I won�t BJ," she assured him. "I�ll stay in touch." "You better," Hawkeye said, hugging her again and then opening the door of the car for her. "It was wonderful to see you. You are an amazing woman Margaret Houlihan." "It�s Scully," she said, sliding into the driver�s seat. "Margaret Houlihan Scully." And then she was gone. The End ****************  Author�s Postscript: The "Scully" in the last line of this story refers to Sgt. Jack Scully, a "charming rogue" character played by Joshua Bryant. Scully was a semi-ongoing love interest for Margaret during the seventh & eighth seasons of M*A*S*H, appearing in the episodes "A Night at Rosie's," "Guerrilla My Dreams," and "Stars and Stripe." Though the romance dwindled in his final appearance, I thought his character made a nice contrast to Margaret�s and that a certain amount of chemistry existed between them. When I wrote "In Memoriam" and used Scully�s name at the end, I failed to take into account the current popularity of The X-Files and the immense body of fan fiction involving the character Dana Scully. By comparison, my reference to Jack Scully is vague and, judging by several comments I�ve received, confusing to some readers. Please know that I was not attempting to suggest a relationship of any kind between Margaret Houlihan and Dana Scully, and, if I had it to do over again, I would probably elect to end "In Memoriam" some other way. My apologies for any confusion - Kalina

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