| Title: Star Wars: Episode I-The Rip-off Menace Author: Amy-Wan Kenobi a.k.a. Darth Maligna Email: [email protected] Rating: PG-13 (for swearing and general insanity) Summary: See title! Who Knows? Maybe We'll All Meet Again In Star Wars Episode II: The Search For Money DISCLAIMER: None of these characters, situations, or anything, except Darth Maul (nudge, nudge, wink, wink), belong to me. The changes I have made to them and many of the things they say and do, however, are mine. I am a not-for-profit organization and in the unlikely event that I make money off of this, it will go straight to the Humane Society. Oh, yeah, and I love Jar Jar, but he's also fun to pick on. ^_^ Turmoil has engulfed the Galactic Republic. There is a whole back-story to this movie that is being debated in the Senate, but if you are in the age range that these movies are meant for, you won't understand it or anything else in this movie except the laser-swords and podracing. Like they say, ignorance IS bliss. The Trade Federation, the main plot device of this story, is once again making jerks of themselves, and is cutting off all trade to the tiny, yet insignificant planet of Naboo. While the Senate endlessly slacks off, the Supreme Chancellor has kept the plot rolling along at a nice pace and dispatched two Jedi Knights to settle the conflict. So sit back, relax, and watch as our heroes face incompetent villains, troubles with mind tricks, and plot devices galore. . . . The shot floats down to a Republic cruiser, the Radiant VII, which is painted red because red is the color of diplomacy. Aren't we Star Wars fans pathetic? Cut to shot inside the cockpit. Two "mysterious" robed figures, a meaningless extra, and the guy who plays pretty much every other character in the movie are in the cockpit. MYSTERIOUS FIGURE #1: Tell them we wish to board at once. CAPTAIN: Yes sir. The captain flips a switch and the radio start blaring out "Duel of the Fates." CAPTAIN: Sorry, sir. Wrong switch. The captain flips another one and a picture of Nute Gunray, the Viceroy of the Trade Federation, a plot device that has basically no effect on anything whatsoever except to fry some Gungans later in the movie, appears. NUTE: Uhh, yes? CAPTAIN: The ambassadors wish to board immediately. NUTE: Ambassad-ors? I whus not aware of anyyy ambassad-ors. You� mhust be mis-taken. Another Neimodian taps him on the shoulder and whispers in his ear. NUTE: Or, uhh, whatever, you know? Cut scene to inside the Trade Federation ship. The mysterious figures enter. TC-14: I am C-3P-er, TC-14 at your service. I'll show you to the gas chambers, er, dining room� this way, please. Cut scene to the dining room. The two robed figures enter while TC-14 goes to get the Niemodians. They both pull back their hoods, revealing the faces of Obi-Wan Kenobi and� ohmigawd, it's Oskar Schindler! And what has he done to his hair? OBI-WAN: I have a bad feeling about this� QUI-GON: Funny; I don't sense anything. OBI-WAN: Maybe all that glitterstim you've been snorting's dulled your senses, ya damn hippy. QUI-GON: Huh? OBI-WAN: I said that it's not about the mission, Master, it's something elsewhere� elusive� I'm sensing� a lizard man� speaking a strange dialect? QUI-GON: Hmm. Just then TC-14 wanders through the door carrying a tray of drinks. Obi and Qui each take one. OBI-WAN: Is it in their nature to make us wait this� PHOOEY! (Obi spits his drink all over the floor) Bloody hell, this is Coke! (Pulls out can of Pepsi) Everyone knows that Pepsi Cola is the drink of choice of the Jedi Order! (Takes big, refreshing chug and flashes cheesy grin) Cut scene to the bridge. TC-14: I believe that the ambassadors are Jedi Knights, moron. NUTE: What? What did you say? TC-14: I said I believe that they are Jedi, sir. NUTE: Oh. Everyone else on the bridge snickers behind their hands. DAULTAY DOFINE: Jedi Knights?! Crap! NUTE: Whell no whay in hell I'M going in zare! Send the droid. TC-14: Asshole� NUTE: Huh? TC-14: Right away, sir. NUTE: Oh. Snickering. Cut scene back to the dining room. OBI-WAN: Is it in their nature to make us wait this long? QUI-GON: You already said that. OBI-WAN: Yeah, I know, I'm just so friggin bored. TC-14 wanders back in. OBI-WAN: What are you doing here again? TC-14: Uhh, well, ahh�how about a nice round of "99 Pan-Galactic Gargle Blasters on the Wall?" QUI-GON: It's a distraction. Suddenly the room fills full of toxic gas. Obi and Qui stand there like idiots for a second and then look at each other and start laughing uncontrollably. Cut scene back to bridge. NUTE: How! I thought I told you to gas them! TEY HOW: I did, stupid! NUTE: Don't tell me you messed up and used laughing gas again?! TEY: Oops. NUTE: And WHAT did you just call me?! TEY: "Sir," sir. NUTE: Oh. BRIDGE CREW: (stifled laughter) Cut back to the hallway outside the room Qui and Obi are in. A squad of battle droids is standing outside the door. A hologram appears in front of them. PRINCESS LEIA: Help, me, Obi-Wan Kenobi, you're my only hope� Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi, you're my only hope� Help me, Obi� BATTLE DROID: (In metallic drone voice) Uhh, Obi-Wan Kenobi, that doesn't compute� err, you're under arrest! The droid shoots Leia and she pulls a funny dying pose asteroid-field style as her hologram fades away. A hologram of Nute appears in the same spot. NUTE: They must have died of stomach cramps from laughing too hard by now; destroy what is left of them! The battle droids open the door and Obi and Qui stumble out holding their stomachs and laughing hysterically. The battle droid catch a whiff of the stuff and fall over laughing too. Eventually the gas evaporates and they all slowly stop laughing, get up, and look at one another. Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon ignite their sabers, but there is really no point. The battle droids dance around frantically with their guns, hitting the walls, ceiling, Earl the boom mic operator, and anything else in the area. Except Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon who make their way to the doors of the bridge, and when they get there, find that the blast doors are closed. HAN: I think I can hotwire this thing. OBI-WAN: What the hell? Han proceeds to open a door in the wall near the bridge entrance and pulls out a bunch of wires that he begins to fiddle with, while the two wimpy Jedi proceed to slice and dice the battle droids. Just then the blast doors open and Han disappears, not to be seen again for a few more episodes. (Don't you just love the magic of cameos?) Obi and Qui run through the doors, only to find that this is not the bridge, after all. Just bathrooms that happen to be outfitted with blast doors. Meanwhile, back on the bridge� NUTE: What the--?! They aren't dead? And what are they doing in the bathroom?! Oh well--send out the droidekas! Cut scene to the same shot. Nobody's moved. SUBTITLES: Fifteen minutes later� NUTE: Where are those droidekas?! TEY HOW: Sir, we let them out on lunch twenty minutes ago! Back in the hallway� Finally 3 droidekas come barreling down the hallway in wheel formation, and just as Obi-Wan is about to scream "Master, destroyers!" they hit the wall and shatter into tiny pieces. OBI-WAN: Hmm. Cut to hangar bay, Obi and Qui leap down like 20 feet from the ventilation shaft they were in. Somehow (and quite unfortunately) they manage to evade injury, and survey the scene. OBI-WAN: It's an invasion army. QUI-GON: Thank you, Mr. Oli�. Obi-Wan slits his eyes at him. QUI-GON: Well anyhoo, we have to get down to the planet. OBI-WAN: Why? QUI-GON: They might call up their buddies the Vogons to read us some poetry. Later, down on the planet, Qui-Gon is running frantically from a huge MTT that is barreling through the forest. He is surrounded by various cute and furry woodland creatures, also running from certain doom. Every once in a while, one of them gets blown into a pile ashes by the battle droids. Just as the MTT is about to catch up, he finds that he has a lizard-man stuck to the front of him. QUI-GON: Bloody hell, the script was right! He suddenly trips over a root and hits the mud, and the MTT passes over them. Jar Jar interprets this as him saving his life. JAR JAR: Yousa save me! Mesa wuv you! QUI-GON: Oh, no! Suddenly, Obi-Wan comes running through the forest, chased by a tribe of spear-and-rock-wielding Ewoks. QUI-GON: What are you doing, Obi-Wan? OBI-WAN: FOR FORCE'S SAKE, QUI-GON, KILL THEM! KILL THEM! Qui-Gon pulls his lightsaber on the ewoks and fries them. QUI-GON: What happened to your lightsaber? OBI-WAN: The swamp fried it, master, but George decided to scrap that scene. QUI-GON: Oh. JAR JAR: MESA WUV YOU! Obi-Wan screams and stumbles backward into a lake. JAR-JAR: Jedi isa bombad CLUMSY! Obi-Wan climbs out and lunges at Jar Jar. QUI-GON: Obi-Wan, stop! Qui-Gon grabs him by the hood. Obi-Wan stops and looks at him. OBI-WAN: (Rolls his eyes) I know, I know. The "don't let my anger get the best of me" lecture. QUI-GON: No. But he may be an important plot device. You can kill him later. Obi-Wan grins and gives Jar Jar an evil look. JAR JAR: Mesa no liken dissen much� A rumbling sound can be heard in the distance, getting closer. QUI-GON: We've got to get out of here. JAR JAR: Wesa go to Gungan city! Itsa be a secret place! QUI-GON: Good, then let's go. JAR JAR: No, wait, mesa forgettin. Mesa banished. QUI-GON: Listen. There is rumbling from off-camera. QUI-GON: Hear that? That is the sound of a thousand terrible things headed this way. OBI-WAN: If they find us, they will crush you two, grind you into tiny pieces and blast you into oblivion! QUI-GON AND JAR JAR: Us? OBI-WAN: Yeah, you. I'm not allowed to die. I'm the only one here that survives until-- QUI-GON: No foreshadowing! Cut scene to the lakeshore. JAR JAR: Now wesa go under da water! Jar Jar uses an insanely complicated dive to enter the water, and Obi-Wan, being the more athletic, show-offy one, does similar. Qui-Gon looks at the other two. QUI-GON: (Shakes his head) I'm getting too old for this. Cut scene to the underwater city of Otoh Gungah. Our heroes step through an invisible wall into the main bubble. Captain Tarpals and two of his cohorts come riding up to Jar Jar on a couple of kaadus. TARPALS: Dammit, he's back! HENCHMAN: Jar Jar, wesa tolda you never to comea backa here! TARPALS: Yousa in big poodoo thisa time. HENCHMAN: Yeah-big Boss Nass is gonna really kick your ass thisa time. JAR JAR: How wude! Cut scene to Boss Nass' chamber. BOSS NASS: Whata you out-a-landers wantin' wit da Goon-gans? QUI-GON: We need to get to the Naboo, and we need to get there soon. BOSS NASS: Wesa no liken da Nuh-boo. Daysa tinkin' dey brains so beeg. QUI-GON: What if we promise to take Jar Jar with us? OBI-WAN: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BOSS NASS: Yousa taken Jar Jar wit you? Mesa likea dis� Da speediest way to da Nuh-boo is throo� Dee Pla-net Corrrrrre� Hehehe� Wesa given you una bongo. OBI-WAN: Dammit! JAR JAR: Whatsa wrong, Obawan? Obi-Wan gets angry and tackles Jar Jar. A one-way fistfight ensues. Cut scene to inside the Bongo cockpit. Qui-Gon is seated in the back, Obi-Wan is piloting, and Jar Jar is complaining about the black eye Obi-Wan gave him. Pretty soon they are deep into the planet core, and Obi-Wan and Jar-Jar are screaming at each other about anything Obi-Wan can think up to blame on Jar Jar. Suddenly there is a tremendous crunching sound. Jar Jar panics, Obi-Wan blames it on Jar Jar, and Qui-Gon sits there calmly. Just then, a bigger fish comes up behind them and eats the Opee Sea Killer. QUI-GON: There's always a bigger fish. OBI-WAN: And the Oscar for the cheesiest line of the year goes to... Jar Jar points out the window. JAR JAR: YOUSA TINKEN DERE BE BIGGER FISH DEN DAT?! Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon look out the windshield and Obi-Wan swerves hard to the right to avoid the even bigger sea monster. ME: Well this scene is getting a little repetitive, why don't we just screw it and skip to the next? They surface in the sickeningly beautiful capital city of Theed. A couple of battle droid officers walk up to them when they dock. BATTLE DROID: Uhh, err, you're under arrest! OBI-WAN: (waves his hand) We aren't the Jedi you're looking for. BATTLE DROID: Uhh, err, you aren't the Jedi we're looking for. OBI-WAN: You don't need to see our ID's. BATTLE DROID: We don't need to see your ID's. OBI-WAN: We can go about our business. BATTLE DROID: You can go about your business. OBI-WAN: Now you will take the Gungan and leave. QUI-GON: Nice try, Obi-Wan. Cut scene to Theed Palace. The Queen is being arrested. AMIDALA: You will never get away with this, Gunray. NUTE: Ahh, I think we will� We have Darth Sidi- Rune elbows him. NUTE: Er, uhh� Droid! Take them away! Cut scene to walkway over the street. Obi-Wan, Qui-Gon, and Jar-Jar are creeping along it following the Queen. When the Queen passes underneath, they leap down and the two of them start doing-what else?-kicking the crap out of battle droids. There's a lot of that in this movie. Then they all run (somehow unbeknownst to the other 50 battle droids in the vicinity) into an alley. CAPTAIN PANAKA: Who the hell are you? QUI-GON: We're the ambassadors from the Supreme Chancellor. SIO BIBBLE: Well, your negotiations seem to have failed. QUI-GON: The negotiations never took place. OBI-WAN: And don't get fresh with us, Santa Claus. I have a lightsaber and I know how to use it. Cut scene to outside the Theed hangar. The two Jedi, Sio Bibble, Captain Panaka, Queen Amidala, Jar Jar Binks and her four-dozen handmaidens are debating what to do. QUI-GON: I think we should take the queen to Coruscant. PANAKA: I think there's too many battle droids. SIO BIBBLE: I think we need to help Senator Palpatine save the planet. OBI-WAN: (scratches the back of his head) I think this wig really itches. QUI-GON: So, your highness, will you come to Coruscant? SABE: I don't know I really don't want to� Padm� kicks her. SABE: OK, we'll go! As everyone walks into the hangar, Obi-Wan turns to Qui-Gon. OBI-WAN: Is it just me, or does it look like the Queen is wearing a bird on her head? Qui-Gon rolls his eyes and Obi-Wan laughs. Cut scene to inside the hangar. Everyone is walking up to a group of battle droids. PANAKA: We'll need to free those pilots over there. Obi-Wan walks over to them. One of the battle droids notices him, and Obi-Wan leaps in the air, pulls a Matrix bullet-time a la Trinity, and kicks it in the head. It crumbles like it's made out of plywood. Meanwhile� QUI-GON: I need to take these people to Coruscant. BATTLE DROID: Coruscant� that doesn't compute� uhh� err� you're under arrest! Qui-Gon waves his hand at the battle droid. QUI-GON: You will allow me to take them to Coruscant. BATTLE DROID: You're under arrest! QUI-GON: You will allow me to take them to Coruscant. BATTLE DROID: You're under arrest! QUI-GON: You will allow me to take them to Coruscant! BATTLE DROID: You're under arrest! QUI-GON: I knew I'd regret playing hooky at the Jedi Temple, I just knew it. Obi-Wan finishes with the battle droids, walks over, and waves his hand at the battle droid. OBI-WAN: You will allow us to take them to Coruscant. BATTLE DROID: I will allow you to take them to Coruscant. OBI-WAN: But you will hold the Gungan here. QUI-GON: Nice try, Obi-Wan. Cut to inside the ship's cockpit the entire interior is done in Barbie dreamhouse style. Ric Olie, Obi-Wan, Qui-Gon and Captain Panaka walk in. PANAKA: I can't believe it! All the way to Coruscant in a ship with an interior that's done completely in PINK! RIC: This d�cor is making me sick. QUI-GON: Well, this IS the queen's ship� OBI-WAN: (interrupting) And did you check out that walk-in closet back there? Two hundred square feet of some of the most REDICULOUS outfits I've ever seen! The ship takes off and comes up on the blockade. RIC OLIE: Shit, our shield generator's been hit! Hey, I made a rhyme� Ric smiles to himself. Cut to the astromech storage room. The droids are filing into a tube leading out into space. Obi-Wan creeps in behind Jar Jar and attempts to push him into it. Qui-Gon walks in and grabs Obi-Wan by the neck. QUI-GON: Nice try, Obi-Wan. OBI-WAN: Ow, ow! Cut scene to out in space. The R2 units are getting blown to smithereens, except for one, who uses some ingenuity and a lot of duct tape to fix the shield generator. Cut back to inside the cockpit. Qui-Gon drags Obi-Wan back in, still holding him by the neck. RIC OLIE: That little droid did it! Shields up at maximum! OBI-WAN: Why is the shield generator so great if it couldn't even shield itself from getting hit in the first place? QUI-GON: Thank you for that flash of insight, Mr. Spock. OBI-WAN: And that makes you Captain Kirk? QUI-GON: D'oh! Suddenly a little red light starts blinking on the dashboard. RIC OLIE: There is a little red light. On the dashboard. It is blinking. That is not good. We will not be able to make it to Coruscant. The entire planet is one big city� EVERYONE ELSE: Aw, crap. RIC OLIE: (To himself) There are many buildings in a city� OBI-WAN: (pointing to a viewscreen) Master, we can land here to find the parts we need-Tatooine. It's small, out of the way, and controlled by Pizza the Hutt. Cut scene to the Trade Federation Ship. Time to check in on the bad guys. HOLOGRAM OF DARTH SIDIOUS: Has the queen signed the treaty? NUTE: (looks around and shifts his weight) Uhh, well� you see� we kinda� well she kinda� disappeared� all we found were some battle droid parts and a bunch of black feathers� SIDIOUS: Damn you, leaving droids to do a person's job. Really, I don't know why I chose you guys as lackeys. Well, mostly to help in my conquest of the universe, I suppose� after all, you guys are the biggest dimwits in the galaxy, and if I did it myself and somebody recognized me as also being Senator Palpa-Oh, uh, you didn't just hear that� Nute and Rune stare blankly at him. They blink a couple of times. SIDIOUS: Well, anyway, I would like to introduce my apprentice-Darth Maul. He will find your lost ship. A hologram of Darth Maul appears next to him. AUDIENCE: Holy crap! NUTE AND RUNE: Holy crap! ME: Grrrowl! The hologram fades away. FEMALE HALF OF THE AUDIENCE: Wait; don't leave us! (Sigh) Parting is such sweet sorrow. Let's go get more popcorn. RUNE: This is great, now there are two of them! NUTE: Is it only me, or did this movie's marketing potential just hit the roof? Cut scene to Coruscant, Darth Sidious's apartment. Darth Sidious and Maul are there. FEMALE AUDIENCE: (run back in) Yippee! MALE AUDIENCE: Would you shut up?! The hologram of Nute and Rune flickers off. MAUL: (growls in frustration) Neimodians� Can't live with 'em, can't conquer the galaxy without 'em� SIDIOUS: Darth Maul, on a change of note here� We have cloned you. He is exactly like you in every way�only 1/8 your size. A door opens, and a tiny Darth Maul emerges, complete with miniature double-bladed lightsaber. Darth Maul has a completely shocked expression on his face. He moves his jaw up and down a few times before finding the words to speak. MAUL: I� I shall call him� Mini-Maul! They all laugh evilly. Cut scene to the Queen's throne room. The Queen is sitting on her throne, her handmaidens are standing around, and Qui-Gon, Obi-Wan, and Captain Panaka are standing in the center of the room. Obi-Wan is still trying not to laugh at her headdress. QUI-GON: Your majesty, we are going to land on a small planet called Tatooine to refuel and get the parts we need. With your permission, of course. AMIDALA: Uhh�well� Padm� kicks her. AMIDALA: Okay! Obi-Wan bursts out laughing finally, causing pretty much everyone else to with the exception of the Queen, who looks at her handmaidens and upturns her hands. AMIDALA: What? What? Cut scene to outside as the ship lands on Tatooine. Cut to exterior view of the landed ship. Qui-Gon, Jar Jar, and R2-D2 are walking away from it towards Mos Espa. Captain Panaka, Obi-Wan, and Padm� run out of the ship towards them. PANAKA: The queen commands you to take her handmaiden with you. She is curious about the planet. QUI-GON: Oh, fine� (under breath) Stupid f***ing despot� PANAKA: And Obi-Wan here requests that you take� himself. The queen's other handmaidens won't stop trying to hit on him. QUI-GON: OK, good idea. If Jar Jar gets too annoying we're going to need him. OBI-WAN: YES! QUI-GON: Maybe I need more emphasis on the word if. Cut scene to exterior, Mos Espa. The group is walking down the street. Jar Jar is trailing behind and steps in� something. JAR JAR: Eew, icky, icky goo! OBI-WAN: Ha ha! Qui-Gon stops outside a parts shop. QUI-GON: We should go here� The Force tells me� that there is a boy who works here� with an exceptionally hot mother! Everyone else looks at him. QUI-GON: Uhh� you didn't just hear that� He walks off quickly. Obi-Wan laughs so hard he falls into the sand and creates a big cloud of dust. Cut scene to inside junk shop. Watto floats in. WATTO: Eyyy, customerrrs� QUI-GON: We are looking for parts for a J-Type 327 Nubian. STAR WARS FANS: (practically having seizures over this) 327! I get it! 327! REST OF THE AUDIENCE: Shut the hell up. WATTO: Eyyy, yeah, we gotsa lots o' that� come outta back� BOY! Anakin runs in. OBI-WAN: Master, I have a really, REALLY bad feeling about this� QUI-GON: Obi-Wan, no foreshadowing� Obi-Wan looks nervously at Anakin, who jumps up onto a table next to Padm� as Watto takes Qui-Gon and R2 out back. ANAKIN: Are you an angel? Obi-Wan rolls his eyes. PADME: What? ANAKIN: An angel-I heard the space pilots talking about them. They're the most beautiful creatures in the universe, and they appear to you when you die. I don't know if it's true. OBI-WAN: Well, kid, only one way to find out� Obi-Wan pulls up his sleeve and makes a fist. QUI-GON: Obi-Wan! OBI-WAN: Dammit, Qui-Gon, go find your pants! QUI-GON: What? ME: Er, sorry, typo there� He meant parts. Just then Jar Jar pokes a pit droid, and it starts leaping all over the room as Jar Jar tries to catch it. ANAKIN: Hit the nose! OBI-WAN: Okay! Obi-Wan punches Jar Jar in the nose, causing him to fall back into the pit droid, which short circuits, electrocuting the Gungan. OBI-WAN: Ha ha! Cut scene to out in back. WATTO: Ahh, here-a we are� a J-Type 327� STAR WARS FANS: 327! 327! WATTO: �Nubian hyperdrive� speaking of which, hows are you going to pay for all this? QUI-GON: We have a lot of republic ditaries. WATTO: Credits? HA! I laugh at your stupidity! Republic Credits are no good out here! I need something more real� QUI-GON: Well I don't have anything else, but (waves his hand) credits will do fine. WATTO: No, they won't. QUI-GON: Credits will do fine. WATTO: No, they won't. What? You think you're some kind of Jedi, waving your hand around like that? I'm a Toydarian; mind-tricks won't work on me. Only money. QUI-GON: Damn you and your damn comic relief. Damn you to hell. Meanwhile, back inside� ANAKIN: So, what's a girl like you doing on a planet like this? PADME: Ugh, I'm being hit on by a nine-year-old kid! ANAKIN: (In Austin Powers' voice) Shall we shag now, or shall we shag in Episode II? PADME: Eew! Obi-Wan snickers. Qui-Gon walks in. PADME: (pouty) Qui-Gon, this kid is a little pervert! QUI-GON: Well, we're going anyway. They all head for the door. ANAKIN: It was nice to meet you, Padm�. (Grins) PADME: Argh! Obi-Wan snickers. Cut scene to outside. They're all walking along the street when Jar Jar spots a chuba stand and decides to steal a frog from it. CHUBA SALESPERSON: Hey, you gonna pay for that?! JAR JAR: Pay?! Jar Jar proceeds to fling the chuba into the face of Sebulba, who's sitting at a nice little outdoor caf�. Sebulba leaps up from the table and jumps on top of Jar Jar. Just then, (at the most inconvenient moment) Anakin comes along and walks up to Sebulba. ANAKIN: Careful, Sebulba, this guy's a big-time outlander. SEBULBA: This thing? Don't make me laugh, poodoo. ANAKIN: (In James Earl Jones' voice, w/ heavy breathing) LET HIM GO, SEBULBA. Anakin raises his fingers in the Force-choke position; Sebulba reaches for his throat and falls off Jar Jar. Jar Jar and Anakin run to catch up with the rest. As they approach, Qui-Gon, Obi-Wan, and Padm� turn around and look at them, and R2 just turns his head. ANAKIN: You're friend here was about to be turned into bantha poodoo. I saved him. OBI-WAN: You what?! Obi-Wan dives for Anakin's throat but Qui-Gon grabs his robe before he can reach him. QUI-GON: Obi-Wan, one more stunt like that� OBI-WAN: But� but� shit, were you even LISTENING to him?! Cut scene to everyone coming up on the edge of town. ANAKIN: Where's your ship? PADME: Beyond the outskirts. ANAKIN: You'll never make it in time! Sandstorm's coming and they are very, VERY dangerous. Why don't you come over to my place? PADME: Oh, noooo� Obi-Wan snickers. Cut scene to exterior Anakin's house. As they approach it, everyone goes in but Obi-Wan and Jar Jar. OBI-WAN: OK, Jar Jar, you're obviously the bravest among us, so you have to stay out here and guard the house. QUI-GON: Nice try, Obi-Wan. Cut to inside the house. SHMI: Anakin, what have I told you about bringing people� She sees Qui-Gon. SHMI: Why, hello� ANAKIN: Padm�, come see my room! I'm working on a real droid! Anakin drags Padm� into his room. R2 follows. Anakin pulls a blanket off a lumpy figure, revealing the skeletal frame of C-3PO. ANAKIN: Isn't he great? PADME: He's uhh� fabulous� ANAKIN: Wanna see what else I'm working on? Anakin pulls back a curtain to reveal a black mechanical leather suit, complete with black plastoid helmet and respirator. Padm� stands there with a shocked expression on her face. Anakin takes down the helmet and puts in on. It is ridiculously big. ANAKIN: (In James Earl Jones Voice) ISN'T IT GREAT?! PADME: Uhh� uhh� ANAKIN: (pulls off the helmet) I can't wait until I grow into it! Padm� runs out. Cut scene to Skywalker family dining room. ANAKIN: So, has anybody ever seen a podrace? QUI-GON: They have podracing on ESPN, very fast, very dangerous. ANAKIN: I'm the only non-CGI character who can do it. QUI-GON: You must have ILM if you can race pods. ANAKIN: You're going to die in this film, aren't you? QUI-GON: What makes you think that? ANAKIN: I saw the movie soundtrack. Only George Lucas would be silly enough to put that on the back of the album cover. QUI-GON: Perhaps he put that on there to fool us. ANAKIN: I don't think so. No one can deny the fact that it makes sense in the grand scheme of things. QUI-GON: True, true. OBI-WAN: OK, let's cut the crap. We want your kid to race tomorrow so we can get off this planet. QUI-GON: Obi-Wan! ANAKIN: Yippee! SHMI: Anakin, you know how I feel about podracing! ANAKIN: Mom, you always say the biggest problem in this galaxy is that no one helps each other. SHMI: What? I don't remember ever saying-- Anakin gives her a puppy face. SHMI: Oh, fine� He should help you. He was meant to help you. OBI-WAN: How do you know that? Shmi pulls out a copy of the script. Obi-Wan takes it from her and starts flipping through it, making various facial expressions along the way. He reaches the end. OBI-WAN: Hey, Qui-Gon! Guess what happens to yooouuuu! QUI-GON: I know, I know, you don't have to rub it in� Cut scene to exterior Anakin's house. Everyone is standing around Anakin's podracer. Anakin's friends come running up. KITSTER: Hi, Ani. ANAKIN: Stop calling me that, Fett! KITSTER: Stop calling me that! AMEE: You're still working on this pod, Anakin? It's never gonna run. Anakin raises his fingers in the Force choke position. Amee falls on the ground making gagging sounds. OBI-WAN: Hey Jar Jar! JAR JAR: Yesa? OBI-WAN: You see that blue beam there? JAR JAR: Uhh� yesa. OBI-WAN: Try sticking your face in it! JAR JAR: Ah! Mesha fash ish num! Obi-Wan snickers. Qui-Gon hits Obi-Wan upside the head as he walks by. Cut scene to Watto's junk shop. Qui-Gon is talking to Watto, and Anakin is sitting on the counter. QUI-GON: We wish to enter the boy in the Boonta Eve Classic tomorrow. WATTO: How you do dis when da boy smashed upa my pod in da last race? ANAKIN: It wasn't my fault! WATTO: You forgot to fill up dee gas tank! Tusken Raiders see easy target and BOOM!- I don't got no pod! QUI-GON: I have acquired a pod in a game of chance, the fastest ever built. If the boy wins, you fix our ship, we leave, and you keep the winnings. If he loses, you get our ship. WATTO: Umm� Sounds good to me. Cut scene to the dessert� I mean desert beyond the outskirts of town that night. Darth Maul's Infiltrator lands on a cliff, and a door in the back opens. A dark, ominous silhouette appears in the doorway. A dark, ominous silhouette appears next to it; only it's 1/8 the other's size. Three dark eye probe droids fly out of the door and disperse out towards the town. The 2 silhouettes start to walk down the ramp. The larger one trips and falls the rest of the way down. He lands with a thud in a big cloud of dust. DARTH MAUL: Oof! MINI-MAUL: Hee hee hee! DARTH MAUL: Shut up! Darth Maul turns to the camera. DARTH MAUL: All right, stop rolling! (Pause) Turn it off, I said! ME: (suppressed laughter) But Maulie, we wanna see your lovely face! Darth Maul blushes, if that's possible, then scowls, steps up to the camera, pulls back his fist, and the screen goes all snowy. We can still hear Mini-Maul laughing ferociously. DARTH MAUL: It wasn't funny! Cut scene to the podrace hangar. Qui-Gon is talking to Watto. QUI-GON: I feel confident that the boy can win today. WATTO: Well, maybe, but I gots everything on Sebulba. QUI-GON: Why? WATTO: Sebulba ALWAYS wins. QUI-GON: Always?! WATTO: Yup. QUI-GON: Shit. Well, since we've got everything riding on this anyway, why don't we up our bet and say if the kid wins we get to keep him and if we don't, you get to keep our pod? WATTO: Umm� okay. Qui-Gon walks away to meet the others. Cut scene to the hangar entrance. Everyone else rides in on eopies. Qui-Gon reaches his hand out to Shmi to help her down. QUI-GON: Why, hello. Shmi giggles. Obi-Wan rolls his eyes. Anakin and Kitster walk over to the pod. KITSTER: Don't worry, Ani, I'm sure you'll do it this time. ANAKIN: Stop calling me that! PADME: Do what? Kitster rolls his eyes, giving us the impression that he is a rotten little kid who will probably grow up to be nothing more than an evil bounty hunter in Mandalorian armor. GEORGE LUCAS: A-HEM! �or something to that effect, naturally. Heh, heh. KITSTER: Finish the race, of course. PADME: You've never even finished a race?! OBI-WAN: What?! QUI-GON: Crap! PADME: I DO NOT APPROVE OF THIS! EVERYONE ELSE: Huh? PADME: I mean the queen would not, of course� Hehehe� Cut scene to the podrace arena. All the podracers are starting up. Ah, y'all saw TPM, you know the drill. SHMI: Be CAREFUL, Ani! QUI-GON: Feel, don't think. OBI-WAN: He doesn't do much of that anyway. QUI-GON: Obi-Wan! OBI-WAN: Oh, yeah. And try to run over Jar Jar if at all possible. QUI-GON: Nice try, Obi-Wan. They start to walk away. OBI-WAN: (Calling back to Anakin) Break a leg! (Mumbles) Or a neck� Cut to the commentary booth. FODE: And a great turnout today here at the Mos Espa Podrace Arena! STAR WARS FANS: It's Greg Proops! It's the guy from "Whose Line is it Anyway?"!!!!!!!! REST OF THE AUDIENCE: Shut the hell up. BEED: Jedsnoota keplemeer dek laama el don! EVERYONE ELSE IN THE ARENA: Huh? The camera floats by each one of the podracers as their name is called. FODE: Let me introduce the podracers� First off, Ben Quadinaros! Everyone cheers. BEED: Gasgano! Everyone cheers. FODE: Dud Bolt! (Dud Bolt holds up a sign at the camera reading, "Hi, Mom!") Everyone cheers. BEED: Judas Ben Hur! Everyone cheers. FODE: Eeth Koth! BEED: Uh, that's not a podracer, he's on the Jedi council. FODE: (Checks his Episode I Visual Dictionary) Uh, whatever! Everyone cheers. BEED: Jeff Gordon! Everyone cheers. FODE: Sebulba! Everyone cheers. BEED: Anakin Skywalker! And a single voice rings out from the sudden silence: SHMI: Anakin, don't forget to go to the bathroom before you start the race! Everyone laughs. ANAKIN: Mooooom! The signal for the racers to get in their pods sounds, and the race starts. Everyone zooms off except for Anakin. FODE: And it looks like young Skywalker forgot to fill his gas tank again! Everyone laughs. Anakin grumbles and climbs out of his pod. (5-second interval.) Anakin climbs back in and starts off. A bunch of really cool shots of the podracers. Anakin begins to move to the head of the pack. Jeff Gordon speeds by him in his Episode I racecar. A few more really cool shots. Ben Hur takes the lead before being blown up by Sebulba wielding a bazooka. More really cool shots. Dud Bolt starts honking at Sebulba, who flicks him off before flashing a hideous picture of Leonardo DiCrappio in his face, causing him to scream, wet his pants, and go spinning into the cliff wall. The second 2 laps go on much in the same way. By the near-end of the third, everyone has been blown up except for Anakin, Sebulba, and Jeff Gordon. Some Tusken Raiders camped out up on the ridge take a shot at Sebulba's racer and miss. Sebulba flicks them off. Anakin and Jeff Gordon are following closely, and they take another shot, which goes into Anakin's left engine, causing it to explode, sending Anakin out of control into the sand. ANAKIN: Shit! Jeff Gordon passes Sebulba and crosses the finish line. SHMI: Shit! QUI-GON: Shit! OBI-WAN: Shit! PADME: Shit! KIDSTER: Shit! JAR JAR: Shitsa! TUSKEN RAIDER: (Turns to his companions) See! I told you I could hit him! Now pay up, all of you! Cut scene to Watto's box seats. WATTO: Heh heh, Jedi, looksa like you lost, eh? QUI-GON: Well� uhh� err� OBI-WAN: No way! I ain't spending the rest of my life here with these losers! Obi-Wan waves his hand at Watto. OBI-WAN: The boy did win. WATTO: The boy did win. OBI-WAN: We win the bet. You will give us our winnings and we will leave. WATTO: You win the bet. I will give you the winnings and you will leave. QUI-GON: You GOTTA teach me how to do that! OBI-WAN: Hold up. Why do I suddenly get the sense that we've picked up another pathetic life form? QUI-GON: Oh, I wagered Anakin against his pod at the last minute and forgot to tell you. OBI-WAN: What?! Obi-Wan runs for Qui-Gon and tackles him. One of Darth Maul's probe droids flies by them, makes a funny little mechanical laughing sound, and zooms off again. Cut scene to the desert, near Maul's Sith Infiltrator. One of the Dark Eyes flies up to the Sith. Maul looks at it for a second, and climbs on his speeder bike. Mini-Maul climbs onto his mini speeder bike. They both drive toward the cliff, and you know the shot. Heh heh heh. Cut scene to outside the Queen's starship. Qui-Gon, Obi-Wan, Padm�, Anakin, and Jar Jar are walking towards it when Darth Maul and Mini-Maul come zooming up on their bikes, Darth Maul behind Anakin and Mini-Maul behind Jar Jar. QUI-GON: Anakin, drop! OBI-WAN: Jar Jar, hold still! Anakin ducks under Darth Maul's speeder, and Jar Jar gets hit in the back of the head by Mini-Maul's. OBI-WAN: (laughs) Everyone but Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon run into the ship. Darth Maul and Mini-Maul leap off their speeder bikes and each ignite one end of their sabers in midair flips. They land and their hoods fall back. OBI-WAN: Holy shit! Where did you get those tattoos? DARTH MAUL: On "Tattoo-ine!" Obi-Wan and Darth Maul laugh and give each other a high-5. Qui-Gon rolls his eyes and swings at Darth Maul. They proceed to leap around fighting and stuff. This goes on for about 5 minutes because, really people, lightsaber fights are what you came to see. Just then Mini-Maul dives at Obi-Wan, and, pulling a classic mini-clone maneuver, bites him. OBI-WAN: ACK! Force dammit, he bit me right in the leg! What kind of dirty fighters ARE you Sith guys?! Obi-Wan pulls back his foot and punts Mini-Maul about 100 yards off into the sand. OBI-WAN: Snoochi-boochies! DARTH MAUL: Ah dammit! Darth Maul runs off after Mini-Maul. Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon run into the ship and they take off. Cut scene to inside the ship. ANAKIN: What was it?! OBI-WAN: It was probably your fault in someway or another you little� QUI-GON: It was probably after the queen. ANAKIN: After the queen? Oh, crap, competition! Cut scene to that night. Anakin is sitting on a bench in the corner. Padm� walks in. PADME: Hey, what are you doing here? ANAKIN: It's cold. PADME: You're from a warm planet. Space is cold. And in space, no one can hear you scream. Anakin gives her a weird look before pulling something out of his pocket. ANAKIN: I made this for you. It's to remember me by. He holds up a diamond engagement ring. PADME: Anakin, many things will change when we reach the capital. But my feelings for you will not. Padme slaps him and storms out. Anakin smiles and nods. ANAKIN: She wants me� Cut scene to interior cockpit, coming up on Coruscant. RIC: Coruscant-the entire planet is one big city! OBI-WAN: Yes, Ric, thank you for informing us of the totally obvious once again. RIC: And there's the Chancellor's landing pad. And Darth Sidi- er, Emperor Pal- er, Senator Palpatine waiting for us. Cut scene to the Chancellor's landing pad. The Queen's ship lands and everyone emerges. PALPATINE: Your Majesty, how nice to see you! SABE: Huh? I'm the queen! PADME: No, I am! RABE: I am! "AMIDALA": I definitely am! EIRTAE: Me! SABE: You wish! The handmaidens and "Queen" all get into a hissy fight over who is queen. Cut scene to the Coruscant Motel 6. Anakin is standing outside of the door to one of the rooms. He knocks. A handmaiden answers it. ANAKIN: I'm here to see Padm�. The handmaiden shuts the door in his face. Cut scene to the Jedi Council room. QUI-GON: Master Yoda, I have encountered a vergence in the Force. YODA: Vergence? Not in my vocabulary is this. MACE WINDU: Me neither, muthaf***a. KI-ADI MUNDI: Nor mine. QUI-GON: I mean I found the chosen one. MACE: That's a bunch of bullshit. YODA: Yes, full of crap is he, heh. QUI-GON: No, seriously you guys! ADI GALLIA: That's what you said when you brought in Xanatos, and then look what happened. OBI-WAN: What?! Xanatos was supposed to be the chosen one too?! Shit, Qui-Gon, can't you find a chosen one that isn't potentially dangerous to ME?! KI-ADI: Right now we have more important things to worry about. OBI-WAN: More important than my LIFE?! They ignore him. YODA: Draw out your attacker we must, hmm! MACE: Find the identity of this muthaf***a. Can ya dig it? Cut scene to the senate room. CHANCELLOR VELORUM: The senate recognizes the representatives from the sovereign planet of Naboo. State your complaint and if you're lucky we might get off our asses and do something about it. The Naboo uhh� floaty thingy� floats to the middle of the room. PALPATINE: Representing Naboo is the newly elected Queen Armadillo, er, Amidala. Another thingy floats in. HANDMAIDEN: No, I'm Amidala, you're Sab�! "AMIDALA": In your dreams, bi-otch! Another one floats in. HANDMAIDEN: I'M AMIDALA! The handmaidens get into a hissy fight over who is who. Palpatine sits down and puts his head in his hands. PALPATINE: At this rate I'll never get around to taking over the galaxy� Everyone stops. EVERYONE: Huh? PALPATINE: Uhh� why don't we just move on and call for a vote of no-confidence, shall we? Heh heh� Cut scene to Palpatine's quarters. Amidala is staring out the window. Palpatine walks in with Panaka. PANAKA: Good news, Your Majesty! PALPATINE: I've been nominated for Emperor of the gala-er, I mean, Supreme Chancellor! AMIDALA: And who else has been nominated? PANAKA: (reads off a slip of paper) By a totally strange coincidence in naming, Bail Antilles of Alderaan, Nookie the Wookiee of Kashyyyk, and� (double-checks the paper) Darth Maligna as a write-in? ME: Hell yeah! Silence. Everyone looks at the camera and shrugs. AMIDALA: And I have decided to return to Naboo. PANAKA: Are you braindead? JAR JAR: I spake! Everyone rolls their eyes. Cut scene to the landing platform, evening. Everyone is getting onto the ship. ANAKIN: Mr. Qui-Gon, sir, why am I going with you? QUI-GON: Plot devices. ANAKIN: What are midichlorians? QUI-GON: Plot devices. ANAKIN: Are Senator Palpatine and Darth Sidious the same person, really? QUI-GON: Uhhhh� get on the ship, kid, and don't ask any more questions. Cut scene to interior, the Queen's starship. PANAKA: I don't know what you hope to accomplish by this. We have no army, we can't fight the Trade Federation. AMIDALA: Jar Jar Binks� I don't know how to say this� but� but� we need your� h� he� he� he� Oh, I just can't do it; it's too humiliating! Jar Jar Binks, we need your army to let the battle droids fry your worthless amphibian butts so that we can get our planet back. JAR JAR: Uh� Soundsa good to mesa! Cut scene to exterior, Naboo, in the swamp near Otoh Gunga. OBI-WAN: Master, I am sorry for the way I've been behaving. It's not my position to act like a smartass all the time. QUI-GON: That's OK, Obi-Wan. You are a far wiser man than I. I foresee you will become a great Jedi. OBI-WAN: Oh, well in that case, I take it back. Damn this wig is itchy. (He scratches the back of his head) And I think it's giving me a rash. Ow. Jar Jar climbs out of the lake. JAR JAR: Dersa be nobody der! Mesa tink der be battle! OBI-WAN: Yes! PANAKA: More likely they were wiped out. OBI-WAN: Yes! JAR JAR: Mesa no tink so. OBI-WAN: No! JAR JAR: When in trouble, Gungans go to sacred place. OBI-WAN: No! No, no, no! Cut scene to the sacred place. The main cast of characters is approaching. Boss Nass is standing on a giant Buddha head. BOSS NASS: Jar Jar Binks? What yousa tinkin yousa doin' back here? AMIDALA: I am Queen Amidala of the Naboo. HANDMAIDEN: No, Your Honor, I am Queen Amidala of the Naboo. HANDMAIDEN 2: No, I am Queen Amidala of the Naboo! HANDMAIDEN 3: I AM! HANDMAIDEN 4: NO, I AM! The handmaidens and "Queen Amidala" all get into hissy fight over who is Queen Amidala, until somebody, we don't know who it is, throws the first punch and it turns into an all-out brawl. OBI-WAN: (eating popcorn) Now this is entertainment! QUI-GON: Obi-Wan! Obi-Wan holds out the popcorn. OBI-WAN: You want some? Finally one of the handmaidens succeeds in knocking everyone else out, and stands up. "AMIDALA": Boss Nass, I am Queen Amidala of the Naboo. Jar Jar Binks here tells me you have a lot of worthless extras, er, I mean, a grand army. We ask you to help us. No, we beg you to help us. Amidala gets down on one knee, as does everyone else. BOSS NASS: Mesa liken dis� maybe� maybe wesa be friends, eh? Boss Nass does that thing where he shakes his head back and forth and spits all over everyone. EVERYONE ELSE: Eew! They all get up and walk slowly away with disgusted looks on their faces. Cut scene to large field outside of Theed. The main characters and a bunch of pointless extras, er, a grand army are wandering around. Captain Panaka and his lackeys come riding up in a landspeeder. AMIDALA: Where did you get that? PANAKA: Hijacked it from a couple of Niemodians back there. Amidala rolls her eyes and points to a hologram. AMIDALA: OK, we'll enter the city through the conveniently placed secret passages on the waterfall side. Once we get there, I, my handmaidens, and anybody else on my good side will have the amazingly simple task of capturing the Viceroy. Once we do they will be lost and confused. Or not. Dammit, Panaka, I'm a despot, not a tactician! Panaka gives her a funny look and she goes on. AMIDALA: Pilots, you get to your ships and go blow some shit up. Gungans, you will stay here and fend for yourselves. Jedi, you make sure I don't get killed. OBI-WAN: Ah, kiss my arse, you frickin bitch. AMIDALA: Come again? OBI-WAN: Uhh, I said I have a bad itch. AMIDALA: Oh. So anyhow� Everyone else snickers behind their hands. Cut scene to Theed Square. Amidala pulls out a laser pen and flashes it to Panaka, across the square. It hits one of his extras in the chest and burns a hole in his suit. Panaka sees the signal, pulls out a bazooka, and blows the living daylights out of an MTT sitting in the middle of the street. All the battle droids come running and the whole company starts making their way towards the hangar, while taking potshots at random battle droids. Cut scene to the hangar bay. All the pilots run to their ships. Anakin climbs in one and takes off. QUI-GON: Dammit, that little brat� Everyone else turns and walks towards the door. Suddenly, the door opens and a dark, robed figure is standing there. Next to him is a really short, dark, robed figure. The audience cheers and the women whistle. They take off their cloaks and let them drop to the floor. The good guys, all but Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon, fall back on their asses. EVERYONE BUT OBI AND QUI: Holy shit! OBI AND QUI: (With pained expressions on their faces) Not AGAIN! Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon get up and face Darth Maul and Amidala and company run off screaming. Darth Maul and Mini-Maul ignite their double-bladed lightsabers. OBI-WAN: So, I see you found the cheat mode on your lightsabers! (Many kudos to the Sev-Wide Web, the coolest Aussies on the Internet!) DARTH MAUL: No, actually, I just took 2 regular ones and super-glued them together� The handling on this thing is a bitch now, but it intimidates the crap out of people. OBI-WAN: Awesome! I have got to get myself one of those things! QUI-GON: Excuse me! Obi, Maul, this is an action sequence, not social hour. Obi-Wan and Darth Maul roll their eyes but ignite their sabers and go at it. The audience's eyes are glued to the screen, knowing that a fight like this between a Jedi and a Sith will never be witnessed again. Well, actually they don't know that and frankly they don't care because it kicks arse. In fact, I'm not even going to screw too much with this scene. Cut to the ground battle. A bunch of Gungans are inside of the blue bubble field as the MTTs come rolling over the ridge. They stop, fire, and see that it isn't doing any good. They then deploy the battle droids. They fall to the ground, unfold, turn to the Gungans and march forward with their guns aimed. TARPALS: Ah, shit� Cut scene to space battle. Most of the Naboo fighters are getting the crap beat out of them. Occasionally a droid fighter blows up. ANAKIN: Now THIS is podracing! Whoopee! R2-D2: (bleeping) TRANSLATION: Shut up with the bad dialogue kid or we'll all going to be out of a job! Cut scene to Theed palace. Amidala and company come running like hell down the hallway chased by a bunch of battle droids. AMIDALA: Get your rope climby-thingys ready! They all leap out an open window and stand on the ledge outside. As they all aim their guns for the next window up, one of the guards gets shoved off the edge to certain death. The rest fly up to the next level. As they jump heroically through the window, they are immediately surrounded by droidekas and drop their guns. PANAKA: Crap. Cut scene back to DOTF. (Duel of the Fates. Duuuhhh. ^_^) OBI-WAN: (To Mini-Maul) Prepare to die, you miniature bastard! Mini-Maul flicks him off. OBI-WAN: Why you little� Obi-Wan steps back, runs for Mini-Maul, kicks him into the air, does an unnecessary triple flip with a half twirl, lands, and stabs Mini-Maul through the midsection as he comes down. Obi-Wan grins. DARTH MAUL: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!! Darth Maul runs to Mini-Maul's side, where he kneels down and begins to cry. Mini-Maul says nothing. Mini-clones never talk in movies, duh. Mini-Maul draws his last breath and Darth Maul suddenly looks very angry, leaps up, and dives at the Jedi again. As they fight they make their way towards some huge laser doors leading down a hallway, but they start to shut before they reach the end. Obi-Wan slides to a stop about a half-inch in front of the door. An ignorant fly buzzing around zips right into it and disintegrates. All the blood drains from Obi-Wan's face. Cut scene to the ground battle. All the Gungans are dead. Honestly, you think they coulda held off an army of droids? Think again. The battle droids are walking around surveying the area. Nute and Rune walk in. NUTE: So, you all learned to shoot, eh? BATTLE DROID: No, dumbass, my logic chip deduces that it must have been the overwhelming desire to kill these indigenous life-forms that drove us to victory. NUTE: What did you call me? BATTLE DROID: Uhh, nothing sir. NUTE: Oh. Rune and all the battle droids snicker behind their hands. Cut scene to the space battle. Anakin is still flying around, not knowing what to do, reciting bad dialogue, and occasionally muttering the dirty word under his breath. Cut scene to the palace. Amidala and company are marched into the throne room by a group of battle droids. Nute and Rune are standing inside. BATTLE DROID: Prisoner transfer from cellblock 1138. NUTE: You idiot, that's the wrong episode! BATTLE DROID: Sorry, ya nancy-boy; I've just always wanted to say that. NUTE: What did you call me? BATTLE DROID: Nothing, sir. NUTE: Oh. Everyone else in the throne room snickers behind their hands. Cut scene to the laser-wall hallway. The doors open one by one. Qui-Gon and Darth Maul go at it again and Obi-Wan starts running down the hallway. As soon as he is about to reach the last door it shuts on him. OBI-WAN: Stupid fricking plot devices! Oh, well� Obi-Wan pulls out a bucket of popcorn from off-screen and sits down to watch Qui-Gon and Darth Maul fight. They jump around for a couple of minutes doing the usual lightsaber duel routine. DARTH MAUL: (points behind Qui-Gon) Look, it's Elvis! QUI-GON: (spins around) Where?! Darth Maul uses this strategy to gain the upper-hand and stabs Qui-Gon through the middle. ME: (Best Ace Ventura impression) Let's watch that� in an instant replay! Shot rewinds and plays again in slow-mo, and little white chalk lines appear as the commentary goes on. ME: (as a sports commentator) And here we see Darth Maul go into an elegantly executed twirl, note how he brings his lightsaber around, aims, and makes impact. These sabers are such high-performance weapons, and this one cuts through Qui-Gon's innards like soft butter. And now watch right here, Maul spins back around, pulling out his lightsaber, and walks over towards the doors. He doesn't even look back, and I think that's what really gives this scene such impact. It really just lets you know that Darth Maul is bad. Now watch right here, he goes for the menacing glare, keep your eye on his left hand and� there! Nagga-nooch! Tape cuts back to normal. Obi-Wan leaps up; popcorn flies all over the place. OBI-WAN: (With his mouth still full of popcorn) NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The doors open, Obi-Wan grabs one more handful of popcorn, stuffs it in his mouth, and runs for Darth Maul, saber ignited. Cut scene to the space battle. ANAKIN: Hey, look� there's a hangar down there� let's go inside, it'll be so wizard! R2-D2: You mean it presents an opportunity to impress Amidala. ANAKIN: Yeah. Anakin flies towards it and enters, not realizing he has no clue as to how to land the ship until he spins out of control and grinds to a halt. Battle droids surround the ship so Anakin pulls out a gun and starts blasting them. He accidentally misses one and shoots right into the reactor core. ANAKIN: Uh-oh� Anakin starts up the ship and flies his Force-sensitive ass outta there. Cut scene to the main bridge of the droid-control ship. TEY HOW: Captain, we're blowing up from the inside! CAPTIAN: Crap, I knew it wasn't a good idea to put the main power supply right in the hangar baaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyy� KA-BOOM! Cut scene to the Gungan battlefield. Now all the Gungans AND battle droids are laying all over the ground. Cut scene to the Theed palace throne room. Amidala and company are standing in the middle of the room surrounded by broken battle droids. However, Nute and Rune still have guns. Suddenly there is a commotion as the other handmaidens, now fully awake, come running in. HANDMAIDEN #1: WAIT A MINUTE, I'M AMIDALA! HANDMAIDEN #2: NO, I'M AMIDALA! HANDMAIDEN #3: THEY'RE ALL IMPOSTORS! All the handmaidens run up to "Amidala" and they get back into their fistfight. The guards and Panaka use this distraction to grab some guns out of a secret compartment and put their full ammunition up to the heads of Nute and Rune. NUTE AND RUNE: D'oh! Cut scene to the DOTF battle. Obi-Wan and Maul are hacking away at each other. This goes on for a drawn out length of time (you know it was too short anyway) while the audience stares in awe, until Darth Maul kicks Obi-Wan into the melting pit. Obi-Wan grabs onto a light fixture and Darth Maul kicks his lightsaber over the edge, while staring down at him, excuse the pun, menacingly. OBI-WAN: Aw, shit. DARTH MAUL: Yoda never told you what happened to your father... OBI-WAN: Listen, this is really not the time to� DARTH MAUL: No, Obi-Wan� I am your father! ME: What?! OBI-WAN: What the hell are you talking about, Maul? We're both the same age! DARTH MAUL: D'oh! But anyway� Now, young Jedi, you will die! OBI-WAN: Wait a minute, I can't die until episode IV! DARTH MAUL: Huh? He pauses for a minute to think about what this implicates. DARTH MAUL: Aw, crap! Obi-Wan leaps out of the melting pit, calls Qui-Gon's saber using the Force, and flips over Maul's head, but is intercepted halfway through by the director who tackles him to the floor and throws the lightsaber into the melting pit. OBI-WAN: Oof! DARTH MAUL: The hell? ME: Run! Run, Maul, run! MAUL: Run where? ME: Umm� my house! Er� more specifically, my room! MAUL: Why? ME: No time for questions, just go! He runs off the set. I snicker evilly, knee Obi-Wan, and let the poor kid back up. OBI-WAN: (wincing) Damn you and your stupid crushes. ME: Damn you and your stupid� your stupid wig! Obi-Wan growls. I smirk. QUI-GON: Hello? Remember me? Obi-Wan turns around and looks disappointed. OBI-WAN: I'm going to have to cry in this scene, aren't I? ME: (ecstatically happy) I don't care, I'm gonna go find Toad and get back to my house! (Runs off) OBI-WAN: (shakes head) Poor estrogen-driven girl. Her hormones keep her on such a short leash. QUI-GON: Obi-Wannnn� OBI-WAN: I'm going, I'm going� Obi-Wan kneels down next to Qui-Gon, and musters up some tears. QUI-GON: Obi-Wan� promise me� promise me you will train the boy� OBI-WAN: Aw, man, you're using the fact that this is your last request against me, aren't you? QUI-GON: Yes. Obi-Wan mutters some obscenities in Huttese under his breath. OBI-WAN: Fine. I'll do it. For the sake of continuity of these movies and my paycheck� I will do it. Qui-Gon draws his last breath. OBI-WAN: I hate my life. Cut scene to the Theed palace. Yoda is pacing back and forth before a kneeling Obi-Wan. YODA: Deep shit we are all in. Asshole is Qui-Gon for placing this situation upon us. OBI-WAN: Well as far as I see I'm the one who should be worried most! YODA: Bad news for all of this is this boy. See what he did today, did you? OBI-WAN: What? YODA: Showed me new black leather costume and red lightsaber he did. "Built them himself," he said. OBI-WAN: Aw, crap� YODA: Nevertheless, your apprentice Skywalker will be. OBI-WAN: Man, why couldn't the council just vote against it? YODA: Had a vote we did. Voted for continuity did 7. Voted for your best interests did 5. OBI-WAN: Well, when he turns to the Dark Side, it's their hides. YODA: Mmm hmm. Cut scene to Qui-Gon's funeral. Everyone is sitting around trying to look as sad as possible while wondering at the same time when they will get to go home. ANAKIN: (To Obi-Wan) Who is going to train me now? OBI-WAN: (Slits his eyes derisively at Anakin) Shut up. YODA: (To Mace) Need to unravel the mystery of the Sith, we do, yes� MACE: Blast the shit out of those muthafu**as. YODA: But who was destroyed; the master, or the apprentice? MACE: I got my bets on master. ADI GALLIA: I'll take you up 50 ditaries on apprentice. MACE: You got yourself a deal. ADI GALLIA: Looking forward to you paying me in Episode II. MACE: In your dreams. Cut to full scene of the room. Everyone just sits there quietly for a moment staring at the fire. Yoda reaches behind himself and pulls out a bag of marshmallows. YODA: Have a good bonfire going we do, make use of it we should, eh? Everyone grabs a stick and a marshmallow. Roll credits. Cue Weird Al's "The Saga Begins." WRITTEN AND DIRECTED BY Darth Maligna, Dark Lord of the Dance CAST Qui-Gon - Oskar Schindler Obi-Wan - Renton from Trainspotting Amidala - That girl from Mars Attacks! Jar Jar - Ahmed Best Darth Maul - The one and only Toad Darth Sidious - Senator Palpatine Senator Palpatine - Darth Sidious Ric Oli� - the wonderfully hilarious Ralph Brown Yoda - Grover Mace Windu - Shaft! Can ya dig it? Anakin - Jake Lloyd Shmi - Pernilla August COLOR BY Crayola CATERING BY Bantha Burger SPECIAL EFFECTS BY Microsoft Paint WARDROBE PROVIDED BY The dumpster behind Skywalker Ranch MUSIC BY Milli Vanilli SOUNDTRACK AVAILABLE ON Modal Nodes Recording Industries Records Stay tuned for Star Wars: Episode Two� ELECTRIC BOOGALOO! The audience groans. ME: You could see that coming from a mile away, couldn't you? (Snickers) �1999 D.M. Parodies, Inc. - Some call it parody; we call it improvement |