Title: Any Given Day Author: Michelle K. ([email protected]) Rating: PG-13 Archive: If you want it. Just ask first. Genre: Humor, Parody Summary: "TWW" characters lament their various places in fanfiction - and try to do something about it. Disclaimer: Not mine. And don't bother suing, because there is very little you could gain. Notes: This is a weird thing my mind cooked up. I'm not insane, I just write like I am. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ On any given day in the West Wing, you could find many different things happening at once. Intelligent people discussing politics. The Chief of Staff and the President commiserating on foreign policy. Sam, Donna, and Josh having a threesome in the Mural Room. Okay, so the last one was something you wouldn't find in Aaron Sorkin's West Wing. But there was a whole 'nother West Wing than the one that's been seen on television. It's a West Wing of various forms of sex. A West Wing of lustful glances between anyone and everyone, regardless of gender. A West Wing where any unresolved sexual tension becomes resolved. But the characters weren't always happy. "Margaret!" Leo bellowed. His assistant quickly ran into his office. "Yes?" "What does the rest of my day look like?" "Let's see. At one, you have a 'lunch' meeting with CJ. Then, you have a 'chess game' with the President. Then, at three, you have a 'meeting' with Tribbey--" "Margaret, don't bother with the euphemisms if you're going to use the damn quotation fingers. It points out that your talking about...you know." Leo sighed heavily. "All the sex you're having?" she answered quickly without thinking. He was about to snap at her, but he knew she didn't mean any harm. "Yeah." He shook his head. Maybe he should be pleased about being one of the - *ahem* - more experienced members of the cast. But he wasn't, really. He just felt tired. It just wasn't easy being the male slut of the West Wing. "Is there anything else?" Margaret asked. "No." It was a few moments later that Josh entered his boss' office. "Hey, Leo," he said with a smirk as he flopped down in one of the chairs. "Josh. What have you been doing all morning?" "Nothin' much. Just sharing some UST with Sam. I think it's going to be coming to the surface later, back at my place. If you now what I mean." "I don't think my mind is great enough to decode that puzzle," he remarked dryly. CJ entered then, her clothing a little disheveled. "Where have you been?" Leo said. "Just getting felt up by Toby. And then getting felt up by Ainsley," CJ answered. She was the female Leo, having been regularly paired with every male character and almost every female character. "Aren't I feeling you up later?" Josh asked. "Yeah. At ten." "Ten? I was hoping for nine." "Leo's got nine." "He can have it," Leo interjected. CJ looked at him in shock. "What? Why?" "I just...I can't take this anymore." "Why?" Josh said, sensing something was going on. "You get to sleep with more people than even me. And, trust me, I get to sleep with a lot of people." Leo ignored Josh's boast. "It's just getting out of hand." "I know what this is about," CJ said. "You're getting paired with Babish soon, aren't you? I've done it. It's not that bad, really--" "No, it's not--" "Whoa. Babish?" Josh said in surprise. "I hope that, for your sake, he's the submissive one. You know, considering the size difference and everything--" "Shut up, Josh! It's not Babish. Okay, so it's partly Babish," Leo admitted. "But it's also that I'm sick of fulfilling all the weird ideas of these unknown people. Maybe Jed and I are just really close friends who *don't* want to see each other naked." "Yeah, right!" came a laughing voice from the shadows. "What about that kiss in 'In the Shadow of Two Gunmen' huh? Explain that one!" Leo turned in the direction of the voice, although he couldn't see the person it was coming from. "Oh, you people are providing commentary now? It's not bad enough that you made me lick Marbury's--" "Don't finish that!" Josh yelped in fear. "Bad mental image coming up." "Oh, come on. It's not like you haven't done it." "I know. And no thanks for reminding me, by the way." "I had to do it, too," CJ interjected. "I did too," Donna said as she walked into the room. She sat down on the couch. "I thought he was romantic," she gushed. Even though Donna had slept with Marbury, she wasn't nearly as slutty as CJ. She'd usually be paired with Josh. But there were a few stories where she slept with Sam; a couple were she got Toby; and even one where she had Joey. And there were also some stories where she was paired with Leo. Those stories were written by a genius, a person who was such an adept writer that everyone admired her. People throughout the land bowed down before her, loved her, praised her. What? What are you looking at? Anyway, Donna sat down. "Why are we talking about John?" she asked. "Leo's arguing with the fic writers," Josh explained. "But they're usually so quiet." "Well, I just started talking back," Leo replied. "I'm not their automaton." "Yes you are!" another voice piped up. "And I want you to go have sex with Hoynes!" "But I don't--" Leo began, but his protests meant nothing against the power of the writer. He was lifted out of the office by some other force and dropped in Hoynes' lap. "Damn it." The rest of them stayed in Leo's office, completely unfazed by his disappearance. Margaret entered and looked around the room. "Where's Leo?" she asked. "With Hoynes," Josh answered. "Oh. Having a 'card game.'" "We all know what's happening," Donna pointed out. "You don't have to make those references." "But I like coming up with them. Like when he's with Ainsley, I say that he's 'briefing with counsel.' When he's with me, I like to say he's 'looking over his schedule.'" They all stared at her, seemingly unimpressed. She shrugged. "I think it's fun." Then, Sam entered the room. One arm was in a sling, the other had a large bandage covered a still bleeding wound. He was wearing an eyepatch over one eye; the uncovered eye was black. As he moved over to the couch to sit next to Donna, they all noticed that he had a slight limp. "Oh," CJ said. "They got to you again, didn't they?" "Yeah," Sam admitted meekly. "Damn Evil Sam Fans," Donna said with a shake of her head. "Man, if I had half your angst, I'd be asked to be written out of the show," Josh said. "If only I knew why they did it," Sam lamented. "We love you!" a couple of Evil Sam Fans squealed from the darkness. "I hope no one ever loves me that much," Josh muttered. Toby entered, mumbling. "I don't know why I always have to be in these lame parodies. They're the worst. Damn chickens and weddings and waking up gay." "You just don't have a sense of humor," Josh declared. "I do. It's just that my sense of humor isn't as moronic as yours." Josh shrugged. "'Kay. I'm just saying, I kinda liked waking up gay." "You would." "What's that supposed to mean?" Leo reentered, distracting the two men from their bickering. "Good 'card game'?" Margaret inquired as her boss sank into his chair. "Margaret, cut it out with the damn quotation fingers already," Leo snarked. "So, did you play a few hands?" Josh smirked. "Josh?" "Yeah?" "Shut up." "Okay." "I don't see why you're complaining," Margaret said. Leo glanced up at her. "What are you blabbing about?" "I never get any smut," she began. "Never. And I just don't see why people don't write smut about me. I mean, Donna, CJ, Ainsley, Ginger, they all get graphic sexual situations. But me? Never! I don't understand why not...I'm just as good as anyone else. But they get sexually explicit stories and I don't! Maybe I want to be licked and caressed too, but nobody--" She stopped. "Is anyone listening to me?" A chorus of "No" was her answer. Donna raised her hand. "I was listening." "You're so nice!" Margaret declared. "Sometimes, I wish someone would slash us." "Really!" Donna answered excitedly. "That's what I was thinking." Charlie entered with a notebook. "I know what you mean, Margaret. I barely even get any non-smutty stories." He opened his book and began to write. Josh jumped up and peered over his shoulder. "What are you writing?" He covered his paper. "Nothing. It's nothing." "Tell us!" he urged. "I'm sure it's a great idea." "Well," Charlie said sheepishly. "I was thinking I could have a three-way with Zoey and Gina." Josh shook his head in response. "I don't think that's going to happen." "But you're immediately supposed to agree with my suggestion! That what the President would do," he scowled. "This isn't in our hands. Not even the President has control of them. If the fanfiction writers want you naked, they'll get you naked. And, it seems like they want their sex with me or Leo, and their torture with Sam." "Ow!" Sam yelled as a beer bottle hurdled through the darkness and smashed apart against his head. "See?" Josh said with a gesture towards his friend's fresh wound. A rabbit hopped in and sat in the middle of the room. Its name may or may not have been Smiley McHappyPants. "It's one of those plot bunnies again," Leo sighed. "Oh! Please let it involve me," Margaret pleaded, her fingers crossed. Donna leaned over and looked at the note pinned to the bunny's fur. "It's for Leo," she said. "Damn," Margaret and Leo said in unison. "Oh! It could still involve me!" Margaret said happily. The bunny hopped over to Leo. He took the note. "It's about Marbury." He shook his head. "Oh, brother." "What is it?" CJ asked with interest. "It's...it's... You remember how Marbury acts like he doesn't know who I am?" "Yeah?" "One of them," he said, saying 'them' especially disdainfully, "thinks that Marbury is angry at me because, many years ago, we had a drunken one night stand and I never called him back. That also explains why I get so nervous whenever he comes around," he added. The sarcasm in his voice was so thick you could cut it with a knife. "Just kill me now." "Only the fic writers can do that," Donna pointed out. "And they'll just resurrect you later." "I know. I've died many times. And, anyway, as plot bunnies go, that one's not so bad," Josh said with a shrug. "You would say that," Toby shot back. "What's that supposed to mean?" Leo rolled his eyes at...well, at many things. "If you would excuse me, I have to go have drunken extramarital flashback sex with a crazy British man," Leo grumbled as he exited. "I wouldn't mind having extramarital flashback sex," Donna said. "But then I'd have to be married." "We've had twenty rose garden weddings," Josh pointed out. "Can't you just be happy with that?" "Yeah. I guess," she said with a heavy sigh. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Night rolled around, and it soon became time for the round of lustful looks. They alternated every half-hour or so, spending the same amount of time with everyone they were paired with. At the moment, CJ was with Toby, Josh was with Hoynes, Sam was with Ainsley. And Leo was with Donna. Because the writer who thought of putting them together was a genius. *Cough.* "Leo!" Donna whined. "What is the matter with you?" "What?" Leo snapped distractedly. "You're mind is elsewhere. And if I may say so, I don't feel that lusted after," she pouted. "It's not you, Donna. It's me." "Oh! I've never heard that one before. Maybe you *are* a gomer after all!" She crossed her arms and looked away dramatically. "It really is me. All this...it's making my head spin." She faced him again. "Oh, Leo," she said sympathetically. "This is about the Babish thing, isn't it?" "Why the hell does everyone bring up Babish?" She placed a soothing hand on his shoulder. "Look, it'll be fine. Ainsley said he can get a little handsy, but he's very gentle." He shrugged away her hand. "What the hell is with you? I'm not talking about Babish. I'm talking about having every minute of my life controlled by a bunch of computer loving lunatics!" "We're not lunatics!" the writers yelled from the shadows. "Sure. You're completely sane," he shot back derisively. "Hey! We didn't say you could mock us!" "Yeah, fine," he said flippantly. "Who does he think he is...." they muttered. "You really don't think that this is a little over-the-top? All this sex and bizarre behavior?" Leo said, turning his attention back to his love interest of the moment. "Well," Donna said after a moment. "I've never really questioned it. It's just the way it's always been." "Maybe it doesn't have to be that way," he said. Donna just stared at him, wondering about the implications. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Later, back at the fic writers' lair, they were all discussing Leo's insolence. "I don't know what his problem is," one said. "He's slept with everyone. Shouldn't that make him happier?" "One would think so," another one said. "He's certainly a puzzle." "We have to silence him. I fear he's making Donna think about everything we've done. And I'm sure he'll get to the others soon, if we let him." "Oh. But we won't," yet another replied. "We'll round them all up tonight and show them who's boss." "Yes!" they said in unison. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Just as they said, the fanfic writers got the characters to meet in one room. Unfortunately for the aforementioned fanfic writers, this gave Leo the time to talk to his fellow characters. "I'm telling you," he began, "they're crazy. We can't let them keep doing this to us." "I don't know," Josh said. "They seem pretty harmless." "I don't know about harmless," Sam observed sadly as he rubbed one of the bruises on his arm. "In the past hour I've been in a car accident, a plane accident, and a brutal mugging." "See? Sam looks like a damn human punching bag. You're telling me that these people aren't dangerous?" "But there's nothing we can do," CJ said. "They're too powerful." "I don't think that they are," Leo replied. "Not if we fight them." "You *can't* fight us!" a voice yelled from somewhere in the distance. "We'll show you our power!" Just then, an Evil Sam Fan jumped out of the shadows. She punched Sam repeatedly in the face, then scurried away. "Ow!" Sam said, dazed and confused to say the least. "Why do they do this?" "Whoa, man," Josh said sympathetically. "Are you okay?" Sam hesitated for a moment. "Yeah. You know, that one didn't hurt so bad." Hearing that, another ESF emerged. "Guess what?" she said gleefully. "You father just died and you never patched things up with him. And now you never will!" She ran away, laughing the whole trip. "Oh God!" Sam screamed. "Why do these things keep happening to me?!?" He began to cry softly. Just then, a slasher appeared. No, not a slasher-with-a-knife slasher. The other, happier kind. "Comfort him!" she said as she pushed Josh towards Sam. Another slasher arrived. "No! You comfort him!" he yelled as he shoved Toby towards Sam. "No! You!" came the cry of another. And then Leo got a swift push towards the crying young man. "What the hell?" Leo snapped. "I'm never paired with him." "But you're a slut," one of the slashers pointed out. "I'm just trying to help you live up to your full potential." "Aww, Christ," Leo muttered with irritation. Toby moved away from Sam. "We can't all have sex with him," he pointed out. "You'll have to choose." A hush fell amongst the slashers. "Not necessarily," one said. Another fic writer emerged. "I'm the writer of threesomes and orgies." "DAMN you, you crafty fanfiction authors!" Toby said in disgust. "That's it! Do you people see what I mean now?" Leo yelled to his co-workers, a fist in the air. He turned back to the writers. "I'm not doing this anymore!" An author of het smut emerged. "Well, you want to try CJ? Or Donna?" "Or me?" Margaret volunteered. "Okay. Or Margaret?" "No!" "How about a crossover with 'Tomb Raider'?" another writer spoke up. "That doesn't even make sense!" "It doesn't have to make sense! It's Angelina Jolie, nobody can resist her! She's young, she's hot, and she wants to raid your tomb all night, you sexy man!" "No!" Leo said forcefully. "I'll take her," Sam said hopefully. "Okay," another one said. "But after you fall in love with her, we're going to have to kill her." He shook his head and cast his eyes downward. "Never mind." "That's it!" Leo began bitterly. "This is sick! I'm done with all this fanfiction crap! All of it! Angst, slash, het! I'm done with it all! I'm not having you weirdoes running my life!" "We're not weirdoes! We have normal lives! This is just our pastime!" the authors began to bellow. "I don't care! I'm not doing any of this *ever* *again*." He turned again to his co-workers. "Do you want these people to keep controlling you lives? Making you have sex with Sam one moment, Donna the next? Do you want to have orgies that include Marbury? Do you want what happens to you to depend on the whims of people who don't even have money? Can't you people see what I've been talking about?!?" The characters were silent for a moment, until one of the cutest ones finally broke his silence. "No to fanfic!" Josh shouted. "I won't be controlled!" Toby yelled. "They hurt me!" Sam sobbed. "Down with fic!" Donna screamed. Soon, everyone in the West Wing came to Leo's side. "No to fanfic! No to fanfic!" they chanted. The fic authors smiled. These characters were theirs. Well, not really. They were actually Aaron Sorkin's, but since they used disclaimers in the intros, they couldn't be sued. But the characters belonged to them in their imaginations, so-- "Oh, shut up!" one of the fic authors yelled. "Just get on with it already." Fine. The characters were under their control, even thought they technically had no legal right to them. Or so they thought. One of the writers tried to move Josh's hand to Sam's crotch; another one tried to put Josh's hand on Donna's breast. Neither of them could get him to move. "What the..." The writers continued. One tried to make Leo and Toby kiss; another tried to slash Ginger and CJ; still another tried to make Sam, CJ, and Toby have a threesome. But nothing worked - all the characters stood still. The Evil Sam Fans returned, hoping to get something done. But none of their punches connected. And no matter how many of Sam's family members they bumped off, Sam didn't react or cry. The fic authors began to panic. "Oh no!" "They've gotten too strong!" "What am I supposed to do now? I can't get a new hobby! I DON'T WANT TO KNIT!!!!!" "I think knitting is fun!!" "Well, it's just not for me!!" "Maybe you should try it again!" "Shut up!" "Hush, my children," a voice said, almost out of nowhere. All of the writers looked over to see the great golden messiah, also know as Jed Bartlet, standing in front of them. And the authors all began to yell again. "Yes! It's Jed! Leo, go have sex with him!" "No, Leo! Have sex with CJ!" "Have sex with Donna!" "Have sex with Hoynes!" "Have sex with me!" Mary Sue said with an emphatic wave. "Quiet!" Bartlet boomed, and the room was soundless once again. "What has happened?" The characters and the writers began talking all at once, pointing fingers and shouting incessantly. "I said quiet!" he yelled again, and the people once again complied. "Okay. I see that you are all having some trouble getting along." "It's them!" Leo pointed his finger accusatorily. "They won't let us be for one damn minute!" "But we let you have sex! That would never happen on the show. Unless it moved to HBO," a writer yelled. "Maybe we're just not in the mood sometime!" "Maybe someone needs to get Viagara!" "Enough!" Bartlet said with exasperation. "Let me tell you all a tale--" Since this story has gotten way too long already, the writer has decided to skip right to the moral. "So, these writers have a right to express themselves. And the rest of you don't have any right to complain, since you're not real." Leo stared at him. "Not...real?" "But we're so multidimensional!" Josh protested. "I have cockiness *and* vulnerability!" "No. None of you are real. I'm not even real. The real president can't even say subliminal. We were made by Aaron Sorkin, a writer that all these authors admire. And that's why they're here." "Impossible," Leo muttered. "No, it's very possible." He went over to his friend and hugged him. "It's very possible." "Yes!" a slasher yelled. "Go have some comfort sex!" "They say it, and it shall be so," Jed said reverentially as he nodded towards the woman. He put an arm around Leo and began to lead him back to the residence. "I just can't believe it," Leo muttered again. "It's true," Jed assured him. He paused for a moment before asking, "Did you know that the term slash was first used in the 'Star Trek' fandom?" "No," Leo said, his countenance a little brighter as he began to accept his fate as a fictional character. "It's true." And so, Jed and Leo fulfilled the wishes of the fanfic writer. As did Josh and Donna. CJ and Toby. Sam and Josh. Ainsley and Sam. Leo and everyone with a pulse. And when his time with Babish came, Leo didn't even complain. Well, not that much. Because, when all was said and done, it was just another day at the West Wing of the White House. THE END

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