A long time ago,
in a system far, far away...

[the audience cheers loudly even though the parody hasn�t started yet]

Turmoil has engulfed the Internet Republic. The taxation of trade channels outlying systems is in dispute.

Hoping to resolve the matter with a blockade of deadly battleships, the greedy Microsoft Federation has stopped all shipping to the small system of Apple II.

While the Senate endlessly debates this alarming plot twist, the Supreme Command.com has secretly dispatched two Guardians, the keepers of peace and justice in the Net, to settle the dispute...

CYBERSPACE

A netcruiser immediately comes flying into view, towards the blockaded portal to APPLE II. Dozens of donut-shaped battleships are surrounding the portal.

NETCRUISER

Being piloted by ALGY and BINKY, as per usual. Two robed sprites stand behind them---one is taller than the other and has a thick Texas accent.

TALLER SPRITE: Tell them we wish to board immediately.
ALGY: Yes sir.

A vidwindow pops up, and Hack and Slash---wearing long colorful bathrobes and weird paper hats---appear.

HACK: Hello!
SLASH: I should say hello...hello!
HACK: No, I�m in charge, I get to say hello!
ALGY: Uh, the ambassadors for the Supreme Command.com wish to board immediately.
HACK: Oh, certainly.
SLASH: As you know our blockade is perfectly legal...
HACK: And we�d be happy to receive the ambassador-type-people!:
SLASH: Very happy.
HACK: Thrilled.

BATTLESHIP HANGAR BAY

The netcruiser sets down amidst hordes of Federation battle drones, all with the Microsoft logo stamped on the sides of their heads, chanting in a monotone, "Where do you want to go today?" A silver version of Mike the TV, with a jarring female voice, walks up as the two robed sprites come down the ramp.

TVPO CLONE: Right this way, please.

CONFERENCE ROOM

The TVPO clone leads the two sprites into the empty room. There are security cameras, gun turrets and gas vents all over.

TVPO CLONE: Don�t mind those, it�s part of the decor.

The clone leaves, shutting the doors behind it. The two sprites push back their hoods---one of them is TURBO EN JINN, a Guardian Master with long hair and a beard, and the other is BOB KENOBI, a Guardian cadet and Turbo�s apprentice. Bob has a punk rocker hairdo, a buzz cut with a ponytail and a skinny braid on one side.

BOB: I have a bad feeling about this.
TURBO: Oh, that�s what everyone says in these parodies. Ah don�t sense anything.
BOB: It�s not about the mission...it�s something else...
TURBO: Maybe you shouldn�t have had all those energy shakes before we left...?
BOB: (scowling) Well, Master Phong said I should be mindful of the future.
TURBO: Exactly, and it�s that kind of thought that�s got the old kook inverting his speech. Be mindful of the living Code.
BOB: How do you think the viceroys will deal with the Command.com�s demands?
TURBO: They�ll probably try to delete us. (Bob looks freaked) Oh, ease up, Ah was kidding. These Microsoft types are cowards...the negotiations will be short.

BATTLESHIP BRIDGE

Hack and Slash are gaping at the silver TV.

DIRECTOR: Annnnnnd...action!
HACK: What?
SLASH: What did you say?
TV: The ambassadors are Guardians, or at least that�s what the script says.
HACK: This is bad. SLASH: Very bad!...wait, isn�t that Bob�s line?
HACK: You go distract them while I contact DOS Hex!
SLASH: I�m not going in there with two Guardians. They�ll beat me up.
HACK: Don�t be such a baby!
SLASH: Uh-uh, I�m not going...

Both of them suddenly turn at the TV. Maybe they have an idea. (There�s a first time for everything.)

CONFERENCE ROOM

Turbo has fallen asleep on the table and is drooling, while Bob has his keytool turned into a guitar and is strumming it happily. The TV walks in.

BOB: A long, long time ago, in a system far away...Apple II was under an attack. And I thought me and Turbo En Jinn, could talk the Federation into maybe cutting them a little slack...
TURBO: (yawning) Shut up, Bob. Geez, what�s taking so long?

BATTLESHIP BRIDGE

Hack and Slash stand, wringing their hands nervously, when a vidwindow appears in front of them---DOS HEX, a cowled virus who looks exactly like the Empress from the original parodies.

HEX: (crabby face) What is it?
HACK: Your plan has failed.
SLASH: The ambassadors are Guardians.
HACK: We�re scared of them.
SLASH: Very scared.
HEX: (mean face with pointy teeth) Cowards! This turn of events is unfortunate. We must accelerate our plans...begin landing your troops!
SLASH; And what about the Guardians?
HACK: Yeah, the Guardians?
HEX: (even meaner face) Delete them immediately!
SLASH: (worriedly) Gee, do you think we have set up enough mysterious atmosphere for our little conspiracy here?

HANGAR

Algy is enjoying biscuits and cocoa, when suddenly he looks up to see that the hangar�s laser cannons have taken aim at them. He drops his mug.

ALGY: Crikey, Binky, I think we�ve bought---

The overused line is interrupted as the ship is blown to bits. All that�s left are the charred forms of Algy and Binky, sitting on thin air (a la any given Warner Bros. cartoon), their blinking eyes the only feature left.

ALGY: ---it.
BINKY: Very good sir.

They clatter to the deck.

CONFERENCE ROOM

Turbo and Bob both jump to their feet suddenly, as deadly gas pours into the room.

TURBO: So that�s what those were for.
BOB: Glitch, saber!
TURBO: Copeland, saber!

Their keytools both form into laser swords, although what good they think they�re going to be against gas, is frankly beyond the Author. They take deep breaths.

CORRIDOR, OUTSIDE CONFERENCE ROOM

Several of the skinny, Crow T. Robot-esque battle drones have assembled, armed with rifles, outside the door. Hack and Slash�s holograms appear in front of the door.

HACK: They must be deleted by now?
SLASH: Uh, it�s only been a few nanos...what if they held their breath?
HACK: Slash?
SLASH: Yeah?
HACK: Don�t ask stupid questions. (to drones) Destroy what�s left!

The drones nod, and the holograms vanish. The doors open slowly and the drones stand stupidly at attention, as the TV comes hurrying out. We now switch over to DRONE CAM, which scans the image of the TV and registers it as "GUARDIAN. HOSTILE. DESTROY!!" The drones blow the poor innocent TV apart, then notice the two laser blades inside the gas cloud.

If you thought nometroopers were stupid, drones are even stupider. They stand perfectly still while Turbo and Bob come flying at them and carve a path right through the center drones. The others just watch as the Guardians sprint away down the hall.

DRONE #1: (not even attempting to pursue) Hey, you. Stop.
DRONE #2: Or else.

BRIDGE

Hack and Slash are panicking. What else is new?

HACK: Seal off the bridge!
SLASH: Have you ever met a Guardian before?
HACK: Well, no, uh, but...I always thought they were nice. You know, saving the Net and all!
SLASH: Oh, yeah. But they are only nice to you if you are one of the good guys. And we are the bad guys.
HACK: Oh. That makes sense.
SLASH: So we�re doomed.
HACK: Yup, looks like it, doesn�t it?

CORRIDOR, OUTSIDE BRIDGE

Bob is holding off approaching drones (not a difficult task) while Turbo is trying to burn through the doors with his saber. Drone parts go flying left and right, and Bob shows off his cool Tae Bo moves, waving his saber wildly. Turbo is almost through the door, but suddenly two large Destroyer Drones come rolling down the hall straight at them---no smarter than normal drones, just bigger and with more guns.

BOB: Master, destroyers!

The two deflect all the shots fired at them, but the Destroyers have shields, which absorb the reflected bolts.

BOB: They have shields! This is not good!
TURBO: It�s a standoff...let�s go!

The two Guardians disappear down another of the hallways, at the speed of Rocky the Rabid Raccoon. The destoyers watch after them, blinking stupidly (that is, if they had eyes, they would be blinking).

HANGAR BAY

Bob and Turbo are crouched behind equipment crates, speaking to each other loudly and bumping into things, but the massed drones don�t seem to notice.

BOB: It�s an invasion army!
TURBO: We�ve got to warn the people of Apple II, and contact Command.com Valium. Let�s each stow aboard a different ship---there�s only two hundred of them, and it�s only a whole huge system. We should have no trouble meeting back up again.
BOB: (nodding) You were right about one thing, Master...the negotiations were short. (smiles proudly as the laugh track cues)
TURBO: Just leave the comic relief to the comic relief character. He�s bound to show up any nano now.

BRIDGE

Hack and Slash are basically bumbling around, trying to clear up which of them is which. They don�t appear to be making any progress. A vidwindow pops up, and QUEEN ANDRAIA, the young ruler of Apple II, appears. Her wacky sea-themed costume and geisha makeup put anything Princess Dot ever wore to shame. Her blue hair is coiffed into a giant, heavy headdress that keeps sliding off to one side.

HACK: It�s Queen AndrAIa herself! (to the Queen) Your Highness, we�re honored...
SLASH: Very honored.
ANDRAIA: (straightening hairdo) You will not be so pleased when you hear what I have to say, Viceroys...your occupation of Apple II is over.

She acts very serious, but her grim determination is thrown off by her adorable, squeaky little girl voice, big blue eyes and freckles.

HACK: It is?!
SLASH: Uh-oh, we are in big trouble.
HACK: Huge trouble.
ANDRAIA: I�ve learned that the Command.com�s ambassadors are with you now.
SLASH: Oh no, you just missed them, they already escaped.
HACK: Shut uuuuup! (to AndrAIa) Uh, we don�t know anything about any ambassadors.
SLASH: But yes we do, we tried to delete them, remem---
HACK: (clobbering Slash) You must be mistaken, your Highness-ness-ness.
ANDRAIA: (straightens her hairdo again) Beware, Viceroys...Microsoft has gone too far this time!
HACK: We would never do anything without the approval of the Senate.
SLASH: We wouldn�t? Then how come we landed all those battle dro--- (Slash is once again clobbered by Hack)
ANDRAIA: We will see.

The Vidwindow closes, and Hack and Slash exchange a look.

HACK: I think that went well.

APPLE II, PRINCIPAL OFFICE

Apple II is your typical peaceful, lush, utopian system, with Renaissance-style architecture and vast blue oceans. The people are well-educated and benign, with no desire to harm any other life. So naturally this is the system Microsoft chooses to victimize. The P.O. itself is perched just on a cliff overlooking the ocean, with waterfalls and everything. Very pretty.

PRINCIPAL OFFICE

Queen AndrAIa and her Council are sitting in a semicircle around a Vidwindow of SENATOR HEXADECIMAL, an equally benign-looking blue-robed figure who is not at all the same person as DOS Hex.

HEXADECIMAL: The negotiations haven�t started because the ambassadors haven�t arrived? How can that be true? I was just talking to my evil secret Microsoft cronies and they said that...oh, whoops! Uh... (window abruptly vanishes)
ANDRAIA: Senator? What�s happening?
SEE-U BLABBER: A communication disruption can mean only one thing...a really bad plot twist.
ANDRAIA: The Microsoft Federation is too stupid to think of invading. I will not condone a course of action that will lead to system crashes!

APPLE II---FOREST

Microsoft tanks are plowing through the forest, squashing cute helpless Pokemon-esque animals. Bob and Turbo are running out in front of one of the tanks, and hit the ground just as it hovers over and past them.

BOB: Where�s that darn comic relief character? He should�ve been here already.
TURBO: Must be late.

They both notice a seedy-looking, lower-level bar nearby, and they share a look.

TURBO: Maybe we can find someone in there who can help us warn the Apple II.
BOB: (wrinkling nose) This place smells funny.

SEEDY BAR

Bob and Turbo definitely stand out in the crowd of mumbling, drunk sprites and binomes. They both walk up to the bar and sit down quietly. Suddenly the bartender places two drinks in front of them.

TURBO: Uh, we didn�t order these.
BARTENDER: I know, he did.

He points to a corner booth, where a bizarre-looking sprite---BAR BAR DRINX, a bipedal creature who is somewhere between a duck, a frog and a seahorse, with the blood alcohol level of a grunge rocker---is sitting, smiling and obviously very drunk. He waves. (Between Bob�s ponytail and Turbo�s long hair, they both look female from behind, especially through the eyes of a drunk.

BAR BAR: Hidooooooooe!

Bob and Turbo both look stunned and horrified, as Bar Bar walks up, sits between them at the bar, and sets his own drink down. He glances lasciviously at Turbo, then at Bob, and suddenly it clicks. Bar Bar screams in horror, and suddenly loses the slurred speech and sleepy eyes.

BAR BAR: Yousa scared me sober!...oh, well, that won�t last long.

Bar Bar grabs a nearby longneck, tilts it back, and when he comes back up he�s completely plastered again, and the bottle is empty. He burps and smiles happily.

TURBO: (smacks forehead and groans) Ah guess this is the comic relief character.
BOB: (to Bar Bar) Uh, we�re trying to warn the Apple II...the Microsoft army is preparing to attack them. Can you help us?
BAR BAR: (slurring his words) Oh, yeahhh...best place to go, is Gigmeg City. Theysa got GREAT happy hour.
BOB: Can you take us there?
BAR BAR: Suuure, why the hellsa not? Uh, wait...right, mesa can�t go back, my been banished. (whispers) Mesa only mentioend it cause it�sa in da script. (glances at the script) Oh, heyyy, and it says mesa gonna take you dere anyway. Well, OK den!

Bob and Turbo exchange looks of dread, but reluctantly follow Bar Bar. He leads them out of the back door of the bar, towards a very small mud puddle behind the building.

BAR BAR: Youuuuusa follow me now, okie-day?
BOB: You mean, there�s a city under there?

Bar Bar nods and then trips over his own feet, falling into the puddle and...he disappears. Shrugging, Bob and Turbo reach into their Bat Utility Belts and pull out snorkels, and go diving in after Bar Bar. What was the size of a postage stamp on top, is an ocean underneath. Bob and Turbo follow Bar Bar towards GIGMEG CITY, which looks kind of like a submersed chandelier display gallery. They step through the bubble walls into the city, and are perfectly dry.

BOB: (puzzled) Maybe nano-chlorians act as sort of a water repellant...
BAR BAR: Man, cold swim always makin� mesa sober again! (pulls out a flask and gets sloshed again in a nano)

The city is populated by thousands of Gigmegs, who look just like sober Bar Bars. Two guards step up and wave cattle prods at the newcomers.

CAPTAIN CARPAL-TUNNEL: Yousa, stoppa dere!
BAR BAR: (points to self) Huhhh? Who, mesa?
CARPAL-TUNNEL: Bar Bar! Yousa ran away from court-ordered twelve-step program! Now, yousa goin� to da Bosses.

GIGMEG COUNCIL

Turbo and Bob have been brought before AL�S BOSS, the ruler of the Gigmegs, who is obviously not a Gigmeg himself by any means. Bar Bar is standing in the background, handcuffed, drooling with a silly grin on his face.

TURBO: The Microsoft army is about to attack the Apple II. We have to warn them.
AL�S BOSS: (slowly, as usual) Weeesa no liken da Apple II. Dey tink dey so smart. Dey can kiss oursa bitmaps, right, Al?
AL (O.C.): Whaaaat?
BOB: Well, can�t you at least give us a transport so we can get out of this place? We�ve been here so long, mesa already startin� to spake like yousa people. (shakes head) Aagh!
TURBO: (waving hand at Al�s Boss) We could use a transport.
AL�S BOSS: Wesa given yousa transport. Best way to da Apple II is goin� tru da SYSSSSSTEM CORE! Oooh, scary!

Turbo nods, and he and Bob turn to leave. Bob looks shocked.

BOB: (to Turbo) What did you do?
TURBO: It�s a Guardian mind trick.
BOB: Alphanumeric! I didn�t know we could do that! (grins evilly, and starts waving his hand around at everybody)
TURBO: (wapping him) Knock it off.
BOB: Ow.

As they walk out, they pass Bar Bar, who is still in handcuffs, still drooling and still oblivious. Bob doesn�t even give him a second glance but Turbo turns back to Al�s Boss.

TURBO: What is to become of Bar Bar Drinx?
AL�S BOSS: Hesa bein� pyoo-nished.
BOB: Cool, can we watch? (gets smacked again) Ow...
TURBO: He helped us to...well, actually, he didn�t really do anything, but we�d like to take him with us anyway.
AL�S BOSS: OK.

Bar Bar is released, and he lumbers clumsily after Bob and Turbo.

BOB: I have a really bad feeling about this.
TURBO: You have a bad feeling about everything.

The three of them are given the cheap rental submarine, which is leaky and rattles loudly, but at least has a nice radio. Bob pilots them through some caves and underwater canyons, while sock-puppet monsters battle it out in the background.

BOB: So why were you banished, Bar Bar? (lowly to himself) Like I care...(Turbo smacks him again) Ow!
BAR BAR: Huh? Mesaaaa...can�t remember. Oh yeah! Mesa banished because mesa clumsy.
BOB: You were banished because you were clumsy?
BAR BAR: Well, no. Mesa banished because mesa got an itsy-bitsy drinking problemo.

Bob rolls his eyes, while Bar Bar takes another swig from his flask, and then looks over at Bob with an altogether different gleam in his eyes.

BAR BAR: I loooooove you. (Bob�s eyes go wide) I mean, really, really love yousa.

Poor Bob looks very creeped out. Bar Bar smiles, then suddenly coughs up something furry that meowls.

BAR BAR: My can�t remember when mesa ate that...
BOB: (groans) Master, can�t we please just dump him off in the ocean here?

Turbo smacks Bob upside the head again, causing the sub to veer out of control and crash into the ocean floor, causing a huge explosion that must have certainly deleted all three.

PRINCIPAL OFFICE

The battle drones have captured the Queen, who is now wearing an entirely different outfit. The drones lead the Queen, her handmaidens (including MOUSEPAD, who looks just exactly like the AndrAIa---more so, even, than the Queen), her binome captain PANICKY, and her guards outside, where Hack and Slash are waiting.

HACK: You�re going to sign this treaty, your Highness.
MOUSEPAD: I will never cooperate! Er, I mean, the Queen will never cooperate...heh.
ANDRAIA: Yeah.
HACK: Darn, she�s tough.
SLASH: At least we tried.

APPLE II

The submarine (which doesn�t even have a scratch on it) surfaces near the Principal Office.

TURBO: That was it?! That was the terrible system core?
BOB: Uh, I think I must�ve taken a wrong turn. Oh, well. We�re here.

They paddle the sub over to shore, and sneak around until they see the Queen and her group being escorted by the drones. The drones are arguing over directions, and don�t even notice as Bob and Turbo jump out and hack them apart with their sabers.

TURBO: Your Hahness, we�re the ambassadors for the Command.com.
MOUSEPAD: Well what took you so long?!
TURBO: (looking at her) Who�re you?
MOUSEPAD: Uh, I�m just a lowly handmaiden, yeah. I�m not really the Queen in disguise. Hehe.
TURBO: Anyway...do you guys have a ship? We need to leave this system.
PANICKY: This way.

The Apple II soldiers lead them to a hangar, where AndrAIa�s royal netcruiser is being guarded by dozens of battle drones.

TURBO: Your Hahness, you must come with us to the Supercomputer. You can ask the Senate to help you and your people.
ANDRAIA: Uh, I think I should stay here with, er, my people. Microsoft won�t hurt me, they need me to sign some treaty or something.
TURBO: There�s something else behind all this...mah instincts tell me, they will delete you if you stay. ANDRAIA: Wellll...I don�t know...Mousepad?
MOUSEPAD: We should go with the Guardians, it�s the only way to save our people.
ANDRAIA: Okay. Guardian, we will go with you to the Supercomputer.
BOB: (to AndrAIa) Do you always do what your lowly handmaidens tell you?

The group approaches the boarding ramp to the netcruiser. Several binome pilots are nearby, being guarded by drones. Turbo walks up to the drone commander.

TURBO: Ah�m taking these people to the Supercomputer.
DRONE: Okay.

Turbo starts to whip out his keytool instinctively, then pauses, confused.

TURBO: Ahem...Ah am TAKING the QUEEN to the SUPERCOMPUTER.
DRONE: Have a pleasant trip.
TURBO: Huh. Well, then, can those pilots come with us too?
DRONE: Sure.

The pilots are released, and the group is allowed to board the netcruiser.

BOB: (to Turbo) Wow, I hope they never end up using real sprites or our job is going to get a lot harder!

The netcruiser powers up and escapes. The drones stand around and wave goodbye. The royal netcruiser leaves the system and flies out into cyberspace, zooming through the blockade of donut battleships, which are shooting at it. One hit knocks out the shield generator.

ALGY: Crikey, they�ve taken out our main shield generator!
TURBO: Hey, weren�t you deleted when this parody started?
ALGY: I was, sir. Just double roles, that�s all.
TURBO: Oh.
BINKY: Send out the...ummm...whatever they are, to repair it

A dozen little Scuzzy-shaped creatures head out onto the ship�s hull, where for some reason the controls to the shields are inconveniently located. The Scuzzys provide, if nothing else, some nice target practice for the Microsoft gunners. All but one---a blue one---are blasted away. The little blue Scuzzy blinks and starts to chew on the wires, and sure enough, the shields come back on.

ALGY: Crikey, Binky, that little blue thing�s saved us!

MICROSOFT COMMAND SHIP

Hack and Slash are talking to DOS Hex via vidwindow again, as the royal ship goes flying past the viewport.

HACK: Phase 1 is completed, Lady Hex!
DOS HEX: (happy face) Good.
SLASH: Hack?
HACK: Yeah Slash?
SLASH: What phase number is allowing the royal netcruiser to leave the system?
HACK: Uh, there is no phase number for allowing the royal netcruiser to leave.
SLASH: Oh. Then they just escaped, then. HACK: Yup. There they go.
DOS HEX: (angry face) I want that treaty signed! (blase face) I�m sending my apprentice, DOS Mode.

From behind Hex appears a very mean, nasty, evil character---DOS MODE, an evil (did we mention he�s evil?) cheat code with a marketable tattooed face. DOS Mode folds his arms across his chest and glowers at everybody.

DOS HEX: We will find your lost ship.

Hack and Slash hold each other and tremble.

ROYAL NETCRUISER

They�ve gotten past the blockade and away from Microsoft�s range, but of course, something has to go wrong, or the story wouldn�t be very interesting.

ALGY: We�re losing power, sir!
TURBO: How come?

They all glance in the back at the Queen�s chamber, where AndrAIa is using her industrial-strength, nuclear-powered hairdryer.

ANDRAIA: Oh. Sorry. (switches off hairdryer)
BOB: (working a control window) This is not good. The cyberdrive�s been hit, too. We�ll never reach the Supercomputer like this.
TURBO: We�ll have to find a safe system around here to land and make repairs.
BOB: (searching) Here...Pentiumme!
TURBO: That was fast...kind of like this plot. (looks) It�s obsolete, Microsoft has no presence there. It�s controlled by the Nulls.
PANICKY: You can�t take her Highness there!
TURBO: (waves hand) We can land on Pentiumme.
PANICKY: We can land on Pentiumme...
BOB: Don�t you think you might be abusing that trick, just a little?
TURBO: (waves hand at Bob) Ah�m not at all abusing it.

Obviously unaffected, Bob rolls his eyes and groans, then follows Turbo into the back of the ship.

THE QUEEN�S CHAMBER

A blank room with nothing in it, besides a couple benches and the Queen�s throne. Panicky has brought in Scuztoo and the two Guardians. Queen AndrAIa is sitting, flanked by Mousepad and another handmaiden.

BOB: This place could use a shrub...or heck, even a stick would liven it up.
PANICKY: Your Highness, we would have all been deleted if not for this brave little...well..whatever the hell it is.
ANDRAIA: It is to be commended. What is its name?
PANICKY: (reading Scuzzy�s nametag) Scuztoo Detoo.
ANDRAIA: Thank you, Scuztoo. Mousepad, would you be a dear and go clean this grungy little oil-smeared creature with your bare hands?

Mousepad nods but grits her teeth and glares at the Queen, ushering the little creature out.

MESS HALL

Mousepad is indeed scrubbing Scuztoo with her bare hands.

MOUSEPAD: Man, is she going to pay when we get back to Apple II...

As she�s scrubbing away, Bar Bar hobbles in, drunker than a skunk.

BAR BAR: Hidooooooooooeeee...whosa are yousa?
MOUSEPAD: I�m Mousepad. I�m not really Queen AndrAIa.
BAR BAR: (puzzled) Ohhhh....kie...day. (burps) You know...you are hot.

Mousepad�s eyes go wide in shock and fear.

Groaning, Bob walks in and kicks Bar Bar out.

BOB: Go on, get lost. (to Mousepad) Sorry about him...he�s got, uh, problems. How�s it going?

Mousepad grumbles to herself lowly and continues scrubbing Scuzzy, who looks confused.

PENTIUMME

The royal netcruiser has landed in the middle of the Pentiumme desert, just outside of the outskirts of a portal city. Turbo, Bar Bar and Scuztoo are already walking away from the ship, towards the city.

BAR BAR: (squinting and holding his head) Ohhhhh...mesa got one hell of a hangover, ughh.

Captain Panicky comes running up to them from the ship, with Mousepad in tow.

PANICKY: The Queen commands you to take her handmaiden with you. She�s curious about the system.
TURBO: Then tell her to look out a window. It all looks the same.
MOUSEPAD: I order you to take m---I mean, the Queen orders you to take me with you.
TURBO: (groaning) All right, fine, but it won�t be pretty. And it isn�t pretty.

The Netport is smelly, there are nulls everywhere, and poor hung over Bar Bar steps in a pile of something unpleasant.

BAR BAR: Oh, %$*!. Mousepad gapes at him, horrified.

Turbo spots a junk shop and leads the group to it.

JUNK SHOP

The base of the creature who owns the shop, SQUATTO, is a One binome, but other than that the audience is on their own figuring out what he�s supposed to be. An elephant crossed with a hummingbird? Anyway, he has wings, stubble, and a weight problem.

SQUATTO: What do you want?
TURBO: Ah need parts for mah ship. (gestures to Scuzzy) Mah...uh...whatever this thing is, has schematics and a list of the parts Ah need.
SQUATTO: Sure, I�ll take you out back. (yells off-stage in binary, subtitles) Boy! Get in here!

In scampers little ENZO WEBSTRIDER, cute as a mousebutton even in his grungy slave tunic, who climbs up onto the counter.

SQUATTO: (subtitles) What took you?! Watch the shop, I�ve got some selling to do.
TURBO: (to Bar Bar) Don�t drink anything.
BAR BAR: (gives him the finger) Up yoursa, pal.

Squatto leads Turbo out back, leaving Bar Bar to clutch his aching head and moan, and Mousepad to bumble around the shop boredly. Enzo catches sight of the stunning, innocently beautiful Mousepad, and grins. He spits into his palms and slicks back his hair, gives himself a dose of mint breath spray, puts on the puppy-dog eye routine and looks at her sweetly.

ENZO: (unbearably, painfully cute) Are you an angel?
MOUSEPAD: (blushes) You�re a funny little sprite. How do you know such good pick-up lines?
ENZO: I�ve seen the deep space pilots hitting on the dancers. I�m a pilot too, y�know, and someday I�m gonna go to the Supercomputer. Wanna hear my life�s story?
MOUSEPAD: Not really...
ENZO: Too bad! I�ve been here since I was 0.3, I think...my sister and I were sold to Nulla the Hutt, but he lost us betting on the circuit races.
MOUSEPAD: You�re a slave format?
ENZO: (angrily) I�m a sprite and my file name is Enzo!
MOUSEPAD: Geez, sorry...

Bar Bar is stumbling around, disoriented, and grabs a bottle of some toxic liquid.

ENZO: Are you an angel?
BAR BAR: Huh? &%$! off, kid. (Enzo looks horrified) Hey, can my drink this?
ENZO: I wouldn�t, it�s battery acid.
BAR BAR: (wipes his mouth, having already taken a swig) Not bad. What about this? (takes a sip out of a dirty mug)
ENZO: That�s Squatto�s coffee.

Bar Bar promptly spits it out.

JUNKYARD

Turbo has located the parts he needs, but is having trouble working out the method of payment with Squatto.

TURBO: Republic units with do fine.
SQUATTO: No they won�t.
TURBO: (waves hand) Units will do fine.
SQUATTO: No, they won�t!
TURBO: (waves hand again) UNITS will do FINE.
SQUATTO: NO they WON�T.
TURBO: (still waving his hand) UNITS...WILL...DO...FINE.
SQUATTO: (rubbing his head) I think we�re gonna be here a lonnnnng time...

JUNK SHOP

Mousepad and Enzo are still talking, when a grumpy Turbo and a confused Scuzzy come back in, with an even grumpier Squatto right behind them.

TURBO: (to Mousepad and Bar Bar) We�re leaving.

Bar Bar is already outside, lying facedown in the gutter. Mousepad follows Turbo out, but glances back at Enzo and smiles.

MOUSEPAD: I�m glad to have met you, Enzo!
ENZO: I was glad to meet you too, your Highne---I mean, Mousepad!

After she�s gone, Enzo grins devilishly.

ENZO: Yessss! I am hot...
SQUATTO: (subtitles) Ugh, go home, kid.
ENZO: Yipeeee!

He hops down off the counter and darts out the door, strutting confidently down the street to the tune of "Stayin� Alive". Nearby, Turbo and co. are strolling down the street. Bar Bar is now a bit more sober, but unfortunately, he�s far more pleasant to be around when he�s drunk. Grouchily he bumps into LOW-WATT BULB (well, you try punning Sebulba!), the greatest and meanest circuit-racer who ever lived, a Web creature who walks on his hands and grabs Bar Bar�s collar with his feet.

LOW-WATT BULB: (subtitles) Watch where you�re going, pal!

Bar Bar looks at Low-Watt, makes a grumpy face, and slugs him, sending the Web creature flying into a vending stall. Enzo trots up, as Low-Watt Bulb stares in shock at Bar Bar and shrinks away fearfully.

TURBO: Bar Bar, what did you do now?
ENZO: (astonished) Your friend here picked a fight with an especially nasty Web creature named Low-Watt Bulb...and, won. (to a passing woman) Are you an angel?
WOMAN: Awww, aren�t you cute?
ENZO: Yeaaaahh. (to Turbo) Hey, looks like a storm�s coming! Wanna go back to my place?
MOUSEPAD: But there isn�t a cloud in the...

Enzo, however, has already dragged her and Turbo towards his tiny hovel. Bar Bar and Scuzzy, confused, follow the others into the house.

ENZO: Dot, I�m home!

Enzo�s big sister, DOT WEBSTRIDER, comes out of the kitchen and gapes at the intruders.

DOT: Enzo, who are these people?!
TURBO: Ma�am, your little brother was kind enough to---
DOT: Not another word, buster...I�m calling the police!

Leaving Turbo to try and calm Dot, Enzo takes Mousepad to the back of the house, to his small room. Bits of circuitry and other gadgets are lying around.

ENZO: This is my bedroom. (winks at Mousepad)
MOUSEPAD: Uhhhh...hey, what�s this?

She walks over to a shelf, where the partially-constructed MIKE THE TEEVEEPIO is sitting. He�s prattling on, as usual...

TEEVEEPIO: Act now, and you�ll receive the handy Log-O-Matic!
ENZO: This is Mike! I built him...he�s a TV, y�know, to keep Dot entertained.
MOUSEPAD: (makes a face) Does he ever shut up?
ENZO: Nope, he pretty much does this all second.
TEEVEEPIO: Freeeeee, for only 99.99.99!!
MOUSEPAD: Can�t you turn him off?
ENZO: (shakes his head) I made a remote, too, but it ran away.

ROYAL NETCRUISER

The Queen is sitting with two of her endless supply of handmaidens, as well as one of the Apple II binomes and Bob. They are watching a vidwindow, which displays the Captain Quirk binome disguised---not at all convincingly---as See-U Blabber.

QUIRK/BLABBER: People...being...deleted. Must...give in to...their demands. Please...help. You must...contact...me!
BOB: Don�t send any reply! It�s a trap!
ANDRAIA: Gee, you think?

WEBSTRIDER HOME

Turbo is chatting with Bob over his keytool comlink, while Dot and Bar Bar are making supper in the background.

TURBO: It sure sounds like a trap.
BOB: What if it is true, and the people really are being deleted?
TURBO: Either way we�re running out of memory.

He switches off his keytool, then heads back into the kitchen. Bar Bar takes a swig out of something he pulls from his vest, then dumps the rest of it into a bowl.

DOT: Hey!! That�s our dinner! What did you just put in there?!
BAR BAR: (glances at the bottle) I don�t know, the label wore off...

SUPERCOMPUTER

In a sector that looks a lot like Lost Angles, DOSes Hex and Mode are standing on a balcony overlooking the city. DOS Mode has apparently just finished a lengthy bit of dialogue, but the audience doesn�t get to hear a scrap of it.

DOS HEX: (happy face) That is a very well-thought-out, detailed plan you�ve just described, DOS Mode.
AUDIENCE: Arrgh!
DOS MODE: Pentiumme is sparsely populated. If the spoilers were correct, I will find them quickly.
DOS HEX: (blase face) You have been well trained, my young apprentice. Move against the Guardians first, then capture the Queen.
DOS MODE: At last we will reveal ourselves to the Guardians. At last we will have revenge.

PENTIUMME, WEBSTRIDER HOME

Apparently that scene was going nowhere, so let�s try a new one. Enzo, Dot, Bar Bar, Mousepad and Turbo are all sitting down, enjoying a dinner of what looks like glue. Dot for some reason is explaining to them the fine details of slave life on Pentiumme.

DOT: All slaves have a homing device programmed into their PIDs...
ENZO: Yeah...if you try to escape, it�ll blow you up...BOOM!
BAR BAR: You got issues, kid.
ENZO: (chattering on) Anybody here seen a circuit race? I�m the only sprite who can do it.
TURBO: You must have Guardian reflexes if you can circuit race.
ENZO: I didn�t say I was good at it. You�re a Guardian, aren�t you? I saw your keytool. And I read the script.
TURBO: (smiles) I can see there�s no fooling you, Enzo.
ENZO: Really? How�d you figure that?
DOT: So how did you end up out here?
MOUSEPAD: Bad plot twist. Our ship was damaged, and we need replacement parts.
BAR BAR: But we got no nuttin� moolah to buy booze. (breaks down and sobs)
ENZO: Hey, I�ve got an idea! I�ve built a circuit-racer...you could tell Squatto it�s yours, and then you could enter me in the big Oompa Eve race tomorrow! The prize money can pay for the parts you need.
DOT: Delete that thought, Enzo!
ENZO: (whiny little kid mode) Awww, Dot, but I love to race! And these total strangers need our help. Puh-leeze? Say I can race? Pleeeeeeeeeeeeease?
DOT: Well...you�re the only family I have left and odds are you�ll be deleted, but okay.

SQUATTO�S JUNKSHOP

Enzo skips ahead of the rest of the group as they head to the shop to present their deal to Squatto. Mousepad looks at Turbo grouchily.

MOUSEPAD: Are you sure about this? Trusting our fate to a sprite we hardly know? I don�t appro...I mean, the Queen will not approve.
TURBO: The Queen doesn�t have to know.
MOUSEPAD: (raises an eyebrow) Oh, that�s what you think...

Mousepad and Bar Bar wait outside, while Turbo and Enzo talk to Squatto.

SQUATTO: The boy tells me you want him to fly your circuit-racer in the big race tomorrow. Are you crazy? This kid can�t race...he can�t even fly a zipboard to work without crashing.
ENZO: (makes sucking asthma noise) I find your lack of faith disturbing...
SQUATTO: What�s with you?!
TURBO: Uh, don�t mind him. Anyway, if Enzo here wins, you can keep all the winnings, except for the cost of the parts Ah need. If he loses, you can have this neat little picture of mah ship.

Turbo flashes a cool little hologram of the Royal Netcruiser. Squatto drools with delight and smacks his hands together.

SQUATTO: Deal!!

WEBSTRIDER HOME

Enzo is out in the backyard tweaking his circuit-racer, with some help from Mousepad, Teeveepio and Scuzzy. Bar Bar is lying around, moaning and bumping into things. Turbo is hanging around the back porch, talking into his keytool communicator to Bob again.

BOB: I have a bad feeling about this. If this doesn�t work, we�re going to be stuck here for a very long time, Master.
TURBO: Look, trust me. BOB: (groans) The last time you said that, we picked up Bar Bar.
TURBO: If you weren�t all the way back on the ship, Ah�d smack you. Besides, there�s something about this little sprite, Enzo...

Turbo sees Dot standing in the doorway, and switches off his keytool. He smiles politely at her.

TURBO: Your brother is a special little sprite. DOT: Has he been trying that dark-side choke hold schtick on you, too?
TURBO: Uhhh...no. But the Code is unusually strong with him. Who was his father?
DOT: No idea. The darn writers never followed up on that much-hinted-at Twin City backstory. (looks at him) Can you help him?
TURBO: (shrugs) Ah don�t know...Ah�m really just exploiting his innocent kindness so Ah can get mah sorry bitmap off this loser system.

Down in the backyard, Enzo is making a few last adjustments to his racer. Bar Bar is banging on one of the engines with a wrench angrily.

ENZO: (smiling at Mousepad) Chicks dig a guy with wheels, right?
MOUSEPAD: (eyeball roll) Yeah, maybe if he�s old enough to shave.
ENZO: Or neglect shaving, in my case...

Bar Bar drops the wrench, gets his tongue stuck in a beam of energy (which looks like it�d take the front end of his face off, but only results in a slight numbness) and sticks his hand absent-mindedly into the engine turbine. When Enzo flips on the start-up sequence to test it, the obstruction causes the entire racer to blow apart.

PENTIUMME-NIGHT

Out in the desert, a portal opens, and through it flies a VIRAL INFILTRATOR ship. The ship lands, and out steps DOS Mode, who scowls at the audience as usual. Scanning the horizon, he sends out three search engines to look for the Queen and the Guardians. Meanwhile, he sets up a lawn chair, grabs a beer and relaxes.

WEBSTRIDER HOME

Still night. Turbo and Enzo are on the porch, sitting on the steps, and Turbo is bandaging one of the many bruises and cuts Enzo received when his racer blew up.

TURBO: Hold still. Here, look, Ah�ll even give you Darth Vader Band-Aids.
ENZO: (admiring the Band-Aid) Alphanumeric! (gazing up at the sky) There�re so many systems out there...has anyone ever seen them all?
TURBO: Heck, Ah don�t know...just stop squirming. ENZO: I�m gonna be the first one to see them all...Owch! What�d you do that for?
TURBO: Ah�m checking your codes for infections. Can�t have you going viral on us before Episode III. Now go to sleep. You�ve got a big second ahead of you.

Enzo trots away happily, while Turbo calls up Bob on his keytool again.

BOB: Never fails, I jump in the tub and then you call...
TURBO: Bob, Ah need an analysis of this energy sample Ah�m sending you.
BOB: (grouchy) Sure, like I don�t have something else to do with my time... (checks) Wow, won�t Phong be jealous! Even he doesn�t have a nano-chlorian count this high.
TURBO: No Guardian does.
BOB: What does that mean?
TURBO: Simple, the kid�s not a Guardian.

CIRCUIT-RACE ARENA, NEXT SECOND

All the circuit racers are lined up and ready for the race. Enzo has apparently put his back together, and he and Mousepad are hauling it to the start line. Turbo and Squatto are standing nearby, discussing their bet.

SQUATTO: You must be pretty basic, betting on little Webstrider. Everyone knows Low-Watt Bulb is going to win. He always wins..

Low-Watt himself is nearby, readying his own circuit-racer, when he catches sight of the grouchy, sober Bar Bar walking past with an armful of metal stakes. Frightened, Low-Watt shrinks into his cockpit.

TURBO: Oh yeah? Well, Ah bet mah racer against...oh, say, the boy and his sister. Mostly the sister.
SQUATTO: No way!! No racer is worth two slaves. One slave, or nothing. We�ll let fate decide, I just happen to have a chance cube here.
TURBO: "Chance cube"? Couldn�t you just call it a die?
SQUATTO: Yeah, but where�s the fun in that? Blue, it�s the boy, red, it�s his sister. As Squatto tosses the cube, Turbo waves his hand. The cube lands on blue.
TURBO: Damn, that wasn�t supposed to happen!! (waves his hand) Turn red, turn red!
SQUATTO: Grrr...well, it won�t make any difference. No way Enzo�s going to win. Hell, I don�t even expect him to survive this race!

Bar Bar, however, has other ideas. Going unnoticed for some reason, he is walking around the arena, driving stakes through the engines of each racer, pinning every one of them to the ground except for Enzo�s.

BAR BAR: (to audience) What? No way mesa staying in this %$@*hole system!

Everyone piles into their circuit-racers, and at the sound of a klaxon, the race begins. All the other racers explode. Enzo flies about three feet further than everyone else, then crashes---but, having made it further than everyone else, he wins!

ENZO: (singed but happy) I can�t believe it! I won! Yipeeee, I�m number one!

Dot and Mousepad take turns hugging him and spewing sappy dialogue, while Turbo gives Squatto a look.

SQUATTO: No way. You cheated. What kind of a message is that to send to the kids?
TURBO: Ah don�t care, Ah�m taking Enzo with me.
SQUATTO: (sighs) Fine. Take him. What do I care? I got him on a blue-light special anyway...

ROYAL NETCRUISER

Turbo, Mousepad, Bar Bar and Scuzzy return to the netcruiser and load up the newly-won parts. Bob walks up to Turbo.

BOB: We ought to have these parts installed in no time.
TURBO: Good. Ah�m going back...Ah have some unfinished business.
BOB: (groans) Oh no. Don�t tell me who we�ve picked up this time, I don�t even want to know. Turbo smacks him, then turns around and heads back to the netport.

WEBSTRIDER HOME

Dot is sitting at her workbench, hunched over her organizer, when Enzo barges in, Turbo in tow.

ENZO: Dot! Look at all the money we made selling my racer! DOT: (unenthusiastic) Wow, a whole dime.
TURBO: And Enzo has been freed.

Enzo whirls around, his eyes bug out and his jaw drops.

Enzo takes off, skipping to his room, then stops dead in his tracks. He turns back around, looking sad for the first time probably in his life.

ENZO: What about Dot? Is she free too?
TURBO: (sadly) Ah tried to free your sister, Enzo...Ah mean, really, really tried...but then we�d lose a major plot point in Episode II.
ENZO: (nearly in tears) You�re coming with us, right, Dot?
DOT: Enzo, my place is here. It�s time for you to leave.
ENZO: But I don�t wanna leave, I don�t want things to change, I...hang on, I�ve gotta go pack.

Enzo sprints off to his room. Dot looks sad but smiles at Turbo.

DOT: Thank you...
TURBO: Ah�ll watch after him, Ah promise.
DOT: Too bad I never got to meet your cute apprentice. (pauses) You are taking that TV, too, aren�t you?
TURBO: Sorry, you�re stuck with that one.
DOT: Aargh!

ENZO�S ROOM

Enzo switches Teeveepio on for no apparent reason, while he begins to stuff all his belongings (a homemade Game Boy, a Twizzler stick that looks old enough to be from the PRE-prequels, and two pairs of underwear) into a backpack.

ENZO: Well, Mike, I�m free. And I�m going away in a netcruiser.
TEEVEEPIO: What about me?
ENZO: Sorry, you gotta stay here. I�ll try to make sure Dot doesn�t pawn you or anything. (slings his backpack over his shoulder and heads out) Bye!
TEEVEEPIO: Pawn me?!

OUTSIDE THE WEBSTRIDER HOME

Turbo and Enzo begin to walk away from the slave hovel, as Dot watches, trying her best to pretend to look sad. She looks really more relieved. Enzo glances back, stops, then runs back to Dot.

Enzo finally turns back around and walks towards Turbo, looking down at his shoes sadly. He walks straight into a wall.

ROYAL NETCRUISER

Enzo and Turbo are, for some reason, running in a panic towards the netcruiser. Behind Enzo, DOS Mode is zooming towards them on his pint-sized Viral clown bike. Turbo turns around, sees Mode, and cries out:

TURBO: Enzo, duck!

Enzo starts quacking, then gets run over by DOS Mode�s bike. Mode himself catapults off his bike, ignites his keytool saber and starts fighting with Turbo. Enzo gets up and shakes his head, recovering.

TURBO: (fighting Mode) Enzo! Tell them to take off!

Enzo wastes no time running up the ramp of the netcruiser, into the cockpit, where Bob and the Apple II binome pilots are.

ENZO: Turbo�s in trouble!
BOB: Better leave him, let�s get out of here!

The netcruiser starts to take off, flying right over Turbo and Mode.

TURBO: Hey wait, you forgot me!!

He manages to jump up onto the ramp just as it�s closing, and the netcruiser flies away. DOS Mode shuts down his keytool.

DOS MODE: Haha, my plan worked perfectly, hehehe...waitanano...(pauses, then smacks forehead) Oh, crap!

NETCRUISER CARGO BAY

Turbo catches his breath while Bob and Enzo come running up.

BOB: Aww, rats, I was hoping you�d get left be...I mean, er, it is so good that you managed to get back on board, Master. Heh. (Turbo smacks him) Ow!
ENZO: Who was that cool-looking dude?
TURBO: Ah think it was a Virus.
ENZO: Alphanumeric! When I compile up, I wanna be a Virus so I can get a cool costume like that! Not these stupid bathrobes you Guardians wear.
BOB: Who is this kid?!
TURBO: Oh yeah. Enzo Webstrider, meet Bob Kenobi.
ENZO: Hi!
BOB: (groaning) I have a baaaaad feeling about this.
ENZO: You should, buddy! I�m gonna compile up to be Megabyte and then I�m gonna delete you! Bob glares at Turbo, who just shrugs innocently.

CYBERSPACE

The Royal Netcruiser takes off into cyberspace, en route to the Supercomputer.

APPLE II

Hack and Slash are tormenting poor See-U Blabber, when a vidwindow of DOS Hex appears.

DOS HEX: (angry face) Hack! Slash!
HACK: You know, I can never get used to hearing her boss us around like that.
SLASH: Yeah, I know, I�m so used to it being Megabyte.
DOS HEX: (angrier face) Silence!! I want you to destroy all the Gigmeg cities.
HACK: Why?
DOS HEX: (blas� face) I don�t know, because they�re funny and cute and it�ll make us look more evil.

ROYAL NETCRUISER MESS HALL

Bar Bar has apparently found the ship�s stash of booze, and gotten himself thoroughly sloshed again, because he�s passed out on the table, drooling profusely, a cigarette dangling from one hand. Mousepad walks in and ignores the drunk Gigmeg, walking to a console and pulls up a vidwindow. The Quirk binome�s message as See-U Blabber pops up and replays. Mousepad watches sadly. She then notices Enzo, sitting in a corner, shivering.

MOUSEPAD: Are you all right?
ENZO: I�m cold.

Mousepad brings over a blanket and puts it around Enzo. He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a seashell necklace, handing it to Mousepad.

MOUSEPAD: What�s this?
ENZO: I made it for you myself.
MOUSEPAD: No you didn�t, this is mine...hey, you stole it!
ENZO: I just wanted you to have something to remember me by.
MOUSEPAD: Awww...but I don�t need ugly jewelry to remember you by, Enzo. Many things will change when we reach the Supercomputer, but I won�t forget you...no matter how hard I try.
ENZO: I won�t forget you, either, but I...
MOUSEPAD: Miss your sister?
ENZO: No, I was gonna say I stole your earrings, too. You want �em back?
MOUSEPAD: Gimme those!

THE SUPERCOMPUTER

The Royal Netcruiser arrives at the Supercomputer, which is an enormous city that stretches as far as the effects budget can afford. The netcruiser sets down on a floating platform, where Senator Hexadecimal and SUPREME COMMAND.COM VALIUM are waiting. The Queen, Mousepad, the Guardians, Enzo, and Bar Bar walk down the ramp. Well, Bar Bar trips and tumbles down the ramp, and the others walk.

SENATOR HEX: (angry face) How in the Net did you escape my brilliant blockade, you little...er, I mean, it�s good to see you again your Highness!
MOUSEPAD: It�s good to see you too, Senat...uhhh...I mean...
BOB: Boy, these Apple II people have some major communication problems.
ANDRAIA: (glaring at Mousepad) Never mind her, she�s just a lowly worthless handmaiden. (Mousepad glowers at her) Uh, Mousepad? What did we come here for again?
MOUSEPAD: We came to appeal to the Internet Senate for help against Microsoft.
ANDRAIA: Oh yeah!! (to Hex and Valium) What she said.
VALIUM: (yawning) We�ll meet as...soon...as I can...(yawns again)...�scuse me...assemble the Senate.

SENATOR HEXADECIMAL�S QUARTERS

Bar Bar is passed out outside, with an empty bottle of Jim Beam close by, while Enzo and Panicky poke at him with a stick.

ENZO: Do you think we should call an ambulance, or something?
PANICKY: Nah, let�s just keep poking him. Bar Bar stirs, then wakes up and yells. Enzo and Panicky scream and run away. Inside, Queen AndrAIa (now dressed in a Japanese geisha outfit) is looking and acting a whole lot more like herself, and Mousepad is nowhere to be seen. Senator Hexadecimal is pacing the room.

SENATOR HEX: The Senate is corrupt, your Highness. Our only chance to save our system is to move for the election of a new Command.com, a strong Command.com...a stunningly gorgeous, intelligent, and talented Command.com who eats her Wheaties.
ANDRAIA: (eyeball roll) Oh, boy...our people are being deleted, Senator! We must do something quickly to stop Microsoft!
SENATOR HEX: Well, we could always accept Microsoft control...hehe...don�t you agree? ANDRAIA: That is something I cannot do.
SENATOR HEX: (quietly) Rats, she is tough...

GUARDIAN TEMPLE, COUNCIL CHAMBER

Turbo and Bob stand before the Guardian Council, which is headed by a younger PHONG with abundant hairpieces, a sprite called MACE WINDOWS, a Conehead binome named CTRL-ALT-DELETE, and a variety of binomes, sprites, and Muppets.

TURBO: Ah can only conclude that the mysterious warrior was a Virus.
CTRL-ALT-DELETE: That�s impossible, the Virals were deleted years ago!
PHONG: Difficult to see, the viral side is...
MACE WINDOWS: Well, don�t worry. We�ll go find some spoilers and discover the identity of your attacker.

Bob starts to leave, but Turbo is still standing around. Phong gazes at him.

PHONG: More to say, have you, Master Turbo?
TURBO: Huh? Darn, Ah knew there was something Ah wanted to mention, but now Ah forgot... BOB: (elbowing him in the ribs) Enzo, maybe?!
TURBO: Oh yeah! Ah�ve discovered a vergence in the Code, centered around a small sprite. He has even more nano-chlorians than you, Phong.
PHONG: Well, cursors.
MACE WINDOWS: You refer to the readme file of the one who will bring balance to the Code...you believe it�s this boy?
TURBO: (shrugs) Ah dunno, sure, why not? Ah request that the sprite be tested.
MACE WINDOWS: Bring him before us.

Bob and Turbo bow, samurai-style, and leave. Mace Windows and Phong exchange irritated looks.

PHONG: Look at me, don�t you. Get it from you he does.

QUEEN ANDRAIA�S GUEST CHAMBER

Enzo comes trotting up to the door and knocks. One of the Queen�s handmaidens answers, and makes an "awwww" face at the sight of little Enzo.

ENZO: Is Mousepad here? AndrAIa comes out of the next room, having made yet another costume change into a giant bathrobe, with a huge hairdo that looks like handlebars (perhaps her motorbike obsession is going a bit too far?).

ANDRAIA: Oh, hi Enzo! I�m right he---er, I mean, I�ve sent Mousepad on an errand. Yeah, that�s it.
ENZO: (putting on the puppy-dog eyes again) I just wanted to tell her goodbye...I�m leaving for the Guardian Academy to begin my training, and I may never see her again.
ANDRAIA: I�ll, uh, tell her for you. My heart...I mean, her heart goes with you.
ENZO: (grinning) Yeahhh! I�m da man.

Enzo struts out, while AndrAIa watches after him affectionately.

AUDIENCE: All right, we get it already, the Queen is Mousepad!

INTERNET SENATE BUILDING

HEXADECIMAL: (blas� face) Supreme Command.com, I present to you Queen AndrAIa, ruler of the Apple II, who speaks to you on our behalf.
ANDRAIA: (taps microphone) This thing on? *ahem* Members of the Senate. The Apple II system has been invaded by the drone armies of the Micro---

A bumper car carrying Hack and Slash comes forward and slams into AndrAIa�s.

HACK: That is not true!
SLASH: No, not one bit is it true.
ANDRAIA: Hey, how can you guys be here? Aren�t you supposed to be back occupying my home system?
HACK: Uhhh...
SLASH: Well...
HEXADECIMAL: (glares at Hack and Slash with her "intrigued" face) Yeah...how can you be here if you�re invading Apple II for m...uhm, I mean...
SLASH: I think the casting budget was low.
HACK: Command.com, these accusations are...
SLASH: Totally false!
HACK: 100% completely and utterly untrue!
SLASH: 200%. She made it up.

AndrAIa gets mad, and yanks one end of her hairstyle. The ornaments in her hair turn into a set of nunchukas!! Whirling the nunchuks around, AndrAIa launches herself from her bumper car over to Hack and Slash�s, and starts beating the two of them up with some Street-Fighter-esque moves. When she�s through, Hack and Slash are lying in pieces. The Senate chamber roars with applause, and a smiling AndrAIa takes a bow. Valium wakes with a start.

VALIUM: Huh? What did I miss?
ANDRAIA: I was not formatted to watch my system crash while you discuss this invasion on a committee!
ALT-OR-RUN SENATOR: I am not a committee!
ANDRAIA: If this Senate is not capable of action, I suggest new leadership is needed...I move for a vote of no confidence in Command.com Valium!
VALIUM: (sleepily) Duh, what?! Oh crap...
HEXADECIMAL: All in favor of removing Valium from office say "aye"!
EVERYBODY (INCLUDING SOME AUDIENCE MEMBERS): Aye! You go, little kick-boxing geisha sprite!
HEXADECIMAL: Anyone opposed?
VALIUM: (pathetic voice) Me...

GUARDIAN COUNCIL CHAMBER

Little Enzo is standing in the center of the room, while all the Guardians stare at him. He looks more than a little freaked out. Mace Windows is holding a vidwindow which flashes several pictures, and Enzo is rattling each of them off as they appear.

ENZO: A ship...a cup...the ReBoot logo...people in homemade costumes lined up outside the theatre at midnight to see this movie...
MACE WINDOWS: (to Phong, impressed) The kid�s good.
ENZO: No, I can just see them all on the other side of the window here.

Mace Windows turns the double-sided window around, and looks sheepish.

SENATOR HEXADECIMAL�S QUARTERS

Queen AndrAIa is staring out the window looking miserable. Now she�s back into a geisha gown, only this one is black and dark blue (so what is that, three outfit changes in one second?). She has a seashell glued to the middle of her forehead. Bar Bar is standing nearby, guzzling down beer by the case.

BAR BAR: Youuuuuusa tinkin�, yousa people gonna be deleted?
ANDRAIA: (miserably) No, I was just wishing I wasn�t downwind of you right now...

Bar Bar responds by passing out. The doors slide open, and Senator Hex strides in looking very happy, with Panicky in tow.

PANICKY: Your Highness, Valium has been removed from office...of course somebody is going to have to tell him that whenever he eventually wakes up.
SENATOR HEX: And guess who they nominated? Come on, guess!
ANDRAIA: (eyeball roll) Gee, I don�t know. You, maybe?
SENATOR HEX: Yesss! I�m going to be Command.com, and then I�m going to take over the Net and...uh...hehehe.
ANDRAIA: Who else was nominated?
PANICKY: Some guy, and some other guy.
SENATOR HEX: Don�t worry, I�ve arranged for them both to be deleted...I mean, er...
ANDRAIA: (sadly) I�m afraid by the time you finally do secure your iron grip of tyranny over the Net, there�ll be nothing left of our system, our way of life. I�ve decided to go back to Apple II.
SENATOR HEX: (stunned) But...why? Why not stay here where it�s safe?
ANDRAIA: Because then the story�d be pretty boring, wouldn�t it? Besides, all my neat clothes are still back home! What if Hack and Slash are trying all my dresses on?
SENATOR HEX: But Microsoft will force you to sign the treaty! I ordered them to...er...
ANDRAIA: (adorably oh-so-serious) I will sign no treaty, Senator. I�m going to go kick some Microsoft bitmaps!

GUARDIAN COUNCIL CHAMBER

Turbo and Bob are both now present, with Enzo.

TURBO: Well? What did Ah tell you? The kid�s something else, isn�t he?
CTRL-ALT-DELETE: (eyeball roll) Oh, he�s something else, all right...
PHONG: Strong with him, the Code is.
TURBO: (happily) So he is to be trained, then.
MACE WINDOWS: No. He will not be trained. He�s too old...and too hyper, and he keeps talking about wanting black armour and a red keytool.

Enzo�s eyes fill with tears. Turbo gets upset.

ENZO: (sniffles) I wanted my damn keytool thingie...
TURBO: But he is the chosen one!
PHONG: Sunk so low, have we, that use such cliched terms we must? Clouded this boy�s future is.
TURBO: Well, Ah don�t care what you say. Ah�ll just train him mahself, then.
BOB: What about me?!
TURBO: Huh? You�re still here? You can take care of yourself.

Bob glowers at Turbo, as Phong continues prattling on.

PHONG: Young Webstrider�s fate will be decided later.
MACE WINDOWS: The Senate is voting for a new Command.com, and Queen AndrAIa is returning to Apple II. Go with the Queen and draw out her attacker.
BOB: Uh...just us two? Couldn�t you send at least a few reinforcements, �cause this DOS Mode guy is really good...
PHONG: No.
BOB: Cursors.
ENZO: Uh, you guys aren�t gonna just leave me here, are you?
TURBO: Wellll...
PHONG: No you aren�t!! Take him with you, but train him not!
TURBO: (eyeball roll) Oh, fine. C�mon kid.
ENZO: Yaaaay!

Turbo and Bob turn around and shuffle out grumpily, Enzo skipping behind them.

SUPERCOMPUTER, DOCKING PLATFORM

The Queen�s netcruiser is docked and its passengers are arriving. Enzo is poking at and generally tormenting Scuztoo-Detoo. Bob is sitting on the entrance ramp with his Glitch guitar, strumming and singing, as Turbo walks up.

BOB: (sings) We caught a ride back to Apple II, �cause Queen AndrAIa wanted to...(Turbo smacks him) Oww! Why do you keep hitting me?
TURBO: Because you�re always mouthing off to me, and besides, you couldn�t carry a tune in a bucket. (pauses) Why did you side with the Council?
BOB: The sprite is dangerous! They all sense it, why can�t you? Didn�t you see "Return of the Guardian"?!
TURBO: He�s not dangerous.

Enzo comes up and tugs on Turbo�s sleeve.

ENZO: Hey, Turbo...watch! I hotwired Scuztoo, he�s gonna blow up any nano now, watch...

Scuztoo twitches and indeed explodes into a little charred lump. Bob glares at Turbo, and then grabs his guitar and heads into the ship. Enzo puts on the puppy-dog eyes again.

ENZO: Master Turbo, sir...I was wondering. What are nano-chlorians? You guys keep mentioning the darn things.
TURBO: Basically they water down the whole meaning of the Code by giving it a stupid, sciencey explanation.
ENZO: Oh. I get it. (looks really confused)

Turbo turns as AndrAIa and her escort of handmaidens and binomes arrive. Yes, the Queen has made another costume change. At this point we can�t tell if it�s really AndrAIa or the decoy in the weird getup.

TURBO: Your Hahness, it�s an honor to protect you again.
ANDRAIA: Thank you, Master Guardian...Senator Hexadecimal fears that Microsoft wishes to delete me.
TURBO: I assure you, I won�t let that happen.

The Queen and her gang board the netcruiser, and Bar Bar stumbles after.

BAR BAR: Meeeeesa goin� home! (pauses) Oh wait, dey hate mesa dere...
ENZO: C�mon, Scuzzy!

Scuzzy�s charred remains follow Bar Bar and Enzo up the ramp, and the netcruiser takes off, flying into cyberspace and towards Apple II!

QUEEN ANDRAIA�S CHAMBER, ROYAL NETCRUISER

AndrAIa is flanked by two handmaidens. Captain Panicky, Turbo and Bob, and Bar Bar are present.

PANICKY: As soon as we land, Microsoft will force you to sign the treaty...and we don�t have an army to fight them. What do you hope to accomplish?
ANDRAIA: I will take back what�s ours. Bar Bar Drinx? BAR BAR: (sloshed) Huh? Wha? Mesa didn�t do it. Yousa can�t prove nuttin�.
ANDRAIA: Uh, I need your help...
BOB: There�s a first. (Turbo smacks him) Ow...

APPLE II

The netcruiser lands in the forest, and Bar Bar trots off towards a pond and falls in. The Queen, in battle gear (which just means a shorter skirt; she�s still got a ridiculously huge headdress and her regal white-face on), and her escorts are waiting at the ramp. Mousepad has once again reappeared. Turbo and Bob are talking.

BOB: Do you think the Queen�s plan will work? TURBO: Probably not. She�s just a kid, what can she possibly know?
MOUSEPAD: I heard that! Off with his head!!
BOB: (ignoring Mousepad) Uh...Master, I�m sorry I mouthed off to you. It�s not my place to argue with you about Enzo.
TURBO: (looking unusually pleased) Well, that�s more like it.
BOB: I only said it so maybe you�d stop hitting me. (Turbo smacks him again) So much for that idea...

Bar Bar drags himself out of the cold water, once again sober. He runs madly for the bottle of Jack Daniels he has left lying near the netcruiser�s ramp. Mousepad snatches it up and holds it out of his reach.

BAR BAR: Awwww, given it back! Puh-leeeeeeesa?
MOUSEPAD: First tell us what you say, then you get the booze.
BAR BAR: (whining) Uhhhhhhh-huh-huh. Mesa didn�t see anybosy, dey all gone...now gimme!
MOUSEPAD: All gone? Where did they go?
PANICKY: They were probably deleted by Microsoft.
BAR BAR: No...when badguys come, Gigmegs go to sacred place.
MOUSEPAD: Will you show us?
BAR BAR: (in tears) Just give mesa da damn bottlllllle...(sobbing)
MOUSEPAD: Bar Bar, think of the people who love you! BAR BAR: My hate da people dat love me, and da people dat love me hate mesa too...

But, threatened with the thought of going five minutes without alcohol, Bar Bar cooperates, leading them to a lower system level. The giant disembodied heads of ancient Star Wars action figures litter the place, and the Gigmegs are indeed there. Al�s Boss is perched on one of the decapitated figures� necks. Mousepad impatiently prods the Queen forward. The Queen stammers nervously like she has no idea what she�s doing, while Al�s Boss glares at her.

QUEEN: Uh...hi, uh...I am...Queen AndrAIa of the Apple II. W-w-we come in peace...
AL�S BOSS: (slowly) Yousa bringin� da Meekrosofties...yousa all bein� deleted, mesa tinks. Right, Al?
AL (O.C.): Whaaaat?
QUEEN: (to Mousepad) What the heck is this guy saying? I can�t make out a word of it!
MOUSEPAD: He thinks we�re to blame for the Microsoft invasion. (sighs heavily) Oh, just step aside. (to Al�s Boss) Your honor, I am Queen AndrAIa!

Everyone looks stunned. The audience, having already figured it out, goes, "WELL DUH!". Mousepad, who is really AndrAIa, walks over and snatches the headdress off the decoy queen, and plants it on her own head. The decoy looks sad.

MOUSEPAD, WHO IS REALLY ANDRAIA: See? I�m the Queen! BOB: Wow, no kidding...
ENZO: Coool! I get to marry the Queen!
ANDRAIA: (to Al�s Boss) Your honor, our two peoples have always lived in peace---well, except for those dozen or so bloody wars---and now Microsoft is destroying everything we�ve worked so hard to build. I beg you to help us.
AL�S BOSS: (eyes her suspiciously) Whatsa in it for us? ANDRAIA: Your own action figure, and your face on the side of a Kentucky Fried Chicken soft drink cup.
AL�S BOSS: (happily) Deal!! Wesa bein� friends!

Everyone cheers loudly, especially Bar Bar, who has his bottle back. Later, the Apple II soldiers have reassembled---both of them. Fortunately, the Gigmegs have a pretty decent sized army, for a comic relief civilization. AndrAIa (yes, the real one), the Guardians, Panicky, Al�s Boss and Enzo are crowded around Scuztoo (who is functioning just fine even after blowing up). Scuzzy�s dome projects a hologram of the Principal Office.

ANDRAIA: The Gigmeg army will draw the battle drones away from the Principal Office, so we can sneak in the back door and capture the Viceroys. Without their leaders, the Microsoft army will be lost and confused.
BOB: (dryly) Or more so than usual, anyway. ANDRAIA: (looking at Al�s Boss) There is the possibility that in this diversion, many Gigmegs will be killed. AL�S BOSS: (shakes head) Meeeesa no tink so. Wesa put in da movie for da kiddies...no way directorrr gonnnna delete us.
ENZO: Can I have a gun?
TURBO: No.
ENZO: (to Al�s Boss) Are you an angel?
AL�S BOSS: (to Turbo) Whatsa wit him?!

Bob groans, and Turbo can only shrug as if to say, "It�s not my fault."

PRINCIPAL OFFICE

Hack and Slash are accompanied by DOS Mode, as they confer with a vidwindow of DOS Hex, who looks grouchy.

DOS Mode turns around and glowers at the audience just for good measure.

APPLE II, BATTLEFIELD

Bar Bar is for some reason a general, and once again looks like he�s gone a while without a drink. He�s extremely grumpy and rubbing his head, squinting. Captain Carpal-Tunnel is nearby. They and the other Gigmeg officers are pretending to ride some kind of alien mount, while smaller Gigmegs scuttle behind them, banging together empty coconut halves.

BAR BAR: (to troops) Steady...steady.
GIGMEG: Whatsa he talkin� about?
GIGMEG #2: Hesa got no idea what hesa doin�, dat�s what.

The Microsoft army is perched on a hill across from them---basically, a few thousand battle drones, some things that look like giant toasters, and flying cannons. The commanding drone looks at the oncoming Gigmeg army and stares in shock.

DRONE COMMANDER: You have got to be kidding. (to cannons) Open fire.

The cannons start firing at the Gigmegs. Lots of explosions, but only one or two Gigmegs are actually seen hitting the ground, let alone getting deleted. Carpal-Tunnel turns to Bar Bar, who is moaning from the hangover.

CARPAL-TUNNEL: Time to bringen out da secret weapon...Bar Bar! Looka dere! See behind dosa Meekrosoftie drones? Deresa Heineken bottle, right dere behind dem!

Bar Bar�s eyes light up, and his tongue flops out. Suddenly he runs like crazy towards the approaching battle drones, and literally carves his way through the center of their line, flinging drones left and right as he madly dashes towards where he believes a nice cold Heineken is waiting for him. The smarter Gigmegs follow behind him, right through the middle of the Microsoft army, while hurling static-electricity balls (you know, the novelty-store kind) and lava lamps at the drones.

PRINCIPAL OFFICE

Queen AndrAIa (still in her Mousepad military outfit), Bob, Turbo and Enzo are hiding behind a wall, avoiding the few battle drones that are still left in the city. AndrAIa is holding a small device and pressing a button on it.

ANDRAIA: Stupid garage door opener...work, dammit! (keeps pressing)
TURBO: (to Enzo) When we make it inside, Ah want you to find a safe place to hide and stay there.
ENZO: Awwww, but I wanna blow up battle drones! Waaah. (stamps his feet and whines)

AndrAIa�s garage door opener finally just gives out.

ANDRAIA: We�ll have to open it manually...can we get past those drones?
BOB: Sure, watch. He walks straight out into the street, and walks right up to one of the drones, asking for the time and receiving a polite response. He grins back at the others.
BOB: C�mon, it�s safe! See? (pokes at one of the drones, which falls over)
DRONE: Thank you, sir, I needed that.

Shrugging, the others follow Bob over to the garage door and yank it open, sneaking inside to the hangar bay. Several more drones are surrounding the same pilots from before.

BOB: Have these guys been sitting here since we left?!?
ANDRAIA: Pilots, get to your ships!!

The pilots get up and run to their CPUs, while the drones make no effort to stop them. Enzo crawls into a CPU, and Scuztoo plants himself in the back. Bob and Turbo hack through the drones, and the pilots begin to take off. The cannons in the city fire blindly at them, but all the CPUs escape through a portal into cyberspace.

ANDRAIA: I thoguht this was going to be a lot harder. C�mon, this way to the throne room!
TURBO: Enzo, stay there.
ENZO: You really think I�m safe here all by myself? I mean... TURBO: Stay in that cockpit!
ENZO: Awww... (kicks the dashboard and pouts)

The group heads over to the door, which slides open...and standing before them is DOS Mode!!! Looking scary as always, DOS Mode glances up from underneath his cowl, glowering at our heroes...hey, it�s his one trick, and he does it pretty darn well.

TURBO: We�ll handle this.
ANDRAIA: (nodding) We�ll take the long way.

AndrAIa leads her guards and Panicky away. Bob and Turbo step forward, facing DOS Mode. Mode drops his cloak, whips out his keytool and turns it into a double guitar! He grins challengingly at the two Guardians. Bob and Turbo scowl, and turn their own keytools into guitars. Right in the middle of a Star Wars parody, the two Guardians and the Virus have of all things begun a jammin� guitar duel! Enzo, meanwhile, is still sitting in the CPU with Scuzzy, yawning and looking uninterested.

ENZO: Boooooring! I�m not sitting around here forever. What does this button do? (hits it, the CPU starts up and hovers) Oops...oh, well, Turbo did tell me to stay in this cockpit...(grins evilly and rubs his hands together)

Scuztoo looks really worried and purrs something.

ENZO: Instructions? Blah, instructions are for wimps...

PRINCIPAL OFFICE CORRIDOR, OUTSIDE THRONE ROOM

AndrAIa, Panicky, and the other handmaidens and Apple II guard binomes run breathlessly down the hallway toward the throne room.

ANDRAIA: Geez, I didn�t think the long way would be that long! We had to scale up the outside of the palace, climb a flight of seven hundred stairs...! Stupid Guardians...

AndrAIa looks at them and blinks in confusion.

ANDRAIA: This was easy!! How in the Net did these idiots manage to take my system in the first place?!

CYBERSPACE

The donut battleships are firing on the swarms of Apple II CPUs, but of course, the Microsoft goons couldn�t hit the broad side of a game cube at point-blank range, and none of the good guys are getting shot. Enzo flies into the battle, yipping happily, while Scuztoo whimpers in fear.

ENZO:

Enzo�s CPU veers out of control and crashes.

SOME BIG REACTOR ROOM OR SOMETHING

DOS Mode, Turbo and Bob give their awesome guitar duel a truly spectacular ending, with flashing stage lights and smoke and everything. The audience applauds loudly. The three smile and bow proudly, then turn their keytools back into sabers and once again try to delete each other. But DOS Mode has a secret weapon...his keytool saber has TWO BLADES! All the ten-year-olds in the audience gasp in unison, "Coool!", and resolve to, immediately following the movie, beg their parents endlessly to buy the plastic light-up replica.

BOB: He�s discovered the cheat mode on his keytool! This is bad...very bad!

Suddenly Bob and Turbo�s sabers seem really puny and stupid, but they still go after Mode. The stunts for this sequence are so amazing and blindingly fast, some audience members begin to have seizures, and others feel at least G-forced. In the course of the duel, they all get trapped in some weird pink energy door things. (Don�t ask, I couldn�t quite figure those things out either.) Turbo is trapped in one little cell, and kneels, meditating. DOS Mode takes a time out to continue glowering at everybody. Bob paces and hops around anxiously.

BOB: (thinking to himself) Man, I really have to go...

The energy-door-things open, the close again. Bob is still trapped but Mode and Turbo are fighting again. Mode makes short work of Turbo, driving one end of that wickedly marketable double-edged saber into the Guardian�s chest.

TURBO: Ow.
BOB: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Apparently Bob is the only one surprised to see Turbo get deleted...Everyone else bought the soundtrack two weeks in advance and read the track list. (Go figure.) Turbo slumps to the floor, and after scowling at him one last time, Mode then turns to Bob and scowls at him. Bob scowls right back.

APPLE II, BATTLEFIELD

Bar Bar has ripped clean through the battle drones, and emerged on the other side of their lines.

BAR BAR: What? No Heineken?

He breaks down and sobs. Meanwhile, the Gigmegs are in big trouble---battle drones are stupid, yes, but of course high-tech weaponry beats brains any day, and they have the Gigmegs (and their coconut-clapping squires) surrounded. Suddenly, the drones sputter and slump, clattering to the ground. All of them.

BAR BAR: Eh? Whatsa dey doin�?

Carpal-Tunnel opens the battery compartment on one of the drones, pulls out its Duracell and gives it a check, then grins.

CARPAL-TUNNEL: Da batteries all dead! Wesa saved!

All the Gigmegs cheer happily, except for Bar Bar, who never did get his beer.

BIG REACTOR ROOM, AGAIN

DOS Mode is brushing up on several different ways to scowl, while Bob has got his keytool guitar out again, and is strumming at it absent-mindedly.

BOB: (singing) And the Guardian I admire most, met up with DOS Mode and now he�s toast...
TURBO: (groaning) Ah�m not deleted.
BOB: Well, you will be shortly.
TURBO: Ah�m getting better.

DOS Mode promptly walks over and kicks Turbo, who groans.

DOS MODE: (to Bob) Wow, you really can�t sing.

The energy doors finally open. Insulted, Bob switches from guitar to saber and goes flying after Mode, slicing that nifty double-bladed keytool cleanly in half. Now it�s just as boring as all the other sabers. The ten-year-olds in the audience groan and get up to leave.

DOS MODE: You broke my keytool, you bastard!

AUTHOR: Aw, Mode, look what you did. You�ve got seven lines. The real Maul only had five...

BOB: Why can�t people just put handrails around these stupid bottomless chasms?!

Bob glances over at the other side of the platform, where Turbo is lying...with Copeland close by. He uses the Code to vault back up out of the pit and call Turbo�s keytool to his wristband. Mode stands around looking stupefied, and Bob subdivides him with the saber.

DOS MODE: Ow...

DOS Mode falls back into the pit, his legs flying one way and his torso the other...never to emerge again, unless Herr Doktor should happen across his remains. In the dark rear of the theatre, the author�s dad cries, "He bisected him!" Bob shuts down Turbo�s keytool and runs over to his Master, kneeling beside him and getting all teary-eyed. The author gets sniffly out of sympathy.

TURBO: It�s too late for me...

BOB: (sniffling) No!
TURBO: Bob...promise...promise me, you�ll train the boy.
BOB: What boy?...oh yeah! Enzo!
TURBO: He is...the chosen one...he will bring balance. Train him...
BOB: (solemnly) Yes, Master.
TURBO: Just...can�t seem...to erase here. Oh, and Bob...one...last thing. Bob...Ah�m really your...

Turbo erases. Bob rolls his eyes.

PRINCIPAL OFFICE

Just outside the P.O., a ship has landed. A smiling Senator Hexadecimal emerges, flanked by binome Senate guards. AndrAIa, back in her normal Queenly makeup and gown, greets Hex. Bob and Enzo are standing behind her, just for the sake of being in the scene. Enzo looks a little singed. In the background, Hack and Slash are being packed off.

ANDRAIA: (straightens her hairdo) Congratulations on your election, Command.com Hex. Even though you were the only surviving candidate left after...
SENATOR HEX: (interrupting) Well, these things happen...but you are the one who should be congratulated, your Highness. Your stupidity, I mean courage, has saved our system. (to Bob) We are in debt to you as well, Bob Kenobi.
BOB: It was easy enough. (strikes a he-manly pose)

Hex then turns to Enzo, and suddenly switches to an evil, knowing grin. Enzo looks creeped out.

SENATOR HEX: And you, young Webstrider...I�ll be watching your career with great interest...great interest, hehehehe... (breaks into maniacal cackling laughter)
ENZO: (frightened) Uhhh...

THRONE ROOM, EVENING

Bob is kneeling on the floor, as Phong is downloading part of his icon onto Bob�s.
PHONG: Bestow upon you the rank of full Guardian, the Council does.

BOB: Thanks! (takes icon, then pauses) Uh, I�m not going to become short, bald and legless like you, am I? (Phong smacks him) Owwww! Boy, I miss Turbo.

Bob shrugs and replaces his icon, tapping it...and he still looks exactly the same, just the skinny apprentice braid on the side of his head is gone.

BOB: That�s it? Oh, well. So can I train Enzo? I kinda promised Turbo I would...and if I don�t, I�m afraid he�ll come back from deletion and smack me.
PHONG: Hmmmm...bad feeling I have, about the boy. Great danger I fear in his training. But sure, go ahead.

SOME HUT IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE

Where this next scene takes place, we have no idea. It�s a small round stone hut, somewhere. We may or may not still be on Apple II. The Guardian Council, Bob, Enzo, AndrAIa, Al�s Boss, Bar Bar, Command.com Hexadecimal, and basically every character in the film are circled around a small funeral pyre for Turbo (who for some reason, didn�t disappear like most Guardians do when they�re deleted). Heck, even Dot, Squatto, and DOS Mode (both of him ) are there.

ENZO: (to Bob, sniffling and looking sad) What will happen to me now?
BOB: The Council have granted me permission to train you...you will be a Guardian, I promise.
ENZO: Cool!! When do I get my keytool?
BOB: (sighing) I have a bad feeling about this...

Mace Windows and Phong are standing together by a window, arguing over DOS Hex�s identity.

MACE WINDOWS: ...so do you get it? DOS Hex is really Senator Hexadecimal? See, watch, the camera�s going to pan over to her now...watch!

And the camera does indeed pan over to Hexadecimal. Bar Bar is standing beside her, his flask in one hand, but he doesn�t seem too enthusiastic about it.

BAR BAR: Mesa too sad even to drink.

He tosses his flask into the pyre, and Turbo�s corpse goes up like a flare. Everyone runs screaming out of the hut, some of them on fire.

APPLE II, STREETS IN FRONT OF THE PRINCIPAL OFFICE

THE END!!!!!!

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