WEB WARS
EPISODE IV - A NEW FILE
Written by Skif
SPECIAL EDITION
It is a time of civil war. Rebel netships, striking from a hidden base, have won their first victory against the evil Viral Empire.
During the battle, the Rebels managed to steal an e-mail containing plans to the DEATH TEAR---an armoured Viral battle station capable of crashing an entire system, or at least making Windows even more of a pain than itwas to begin with.
Pursued by the sinister Viral agents, Princess Dot races home to Alt-or-Run aboard her netcruiser, custodian to the solen plans which can save her people and restore freedomand justice to the Net...
CYBERSPACE
The Saucy Mare is being chased and shot at by the gigantic Mega Super Duper Net Destroyer INFECTOR (and yes, the caps are necessary), just above the portal to the Pentiumme system.
SAUCY MARE
The binome crew are being shaken around, thanks to the camera crew grunts standing under the set. MIKE THE TEEVEEPIO and SCUZTOO-DETOO are running around the deck. The chef is, as always, sitting in a corner, peeling.
TEEVEEPIO: (melodramatic pause) There's no escape! We're all going to be deleted! What was that noise??
BINOME: The sound of yer big mouth flapping, that's what!
The binome crew enjoy their closeups, looking around and overacting. MR. ANDREWS is at the helm, looking scared. CAPTAIN CAPACITOR looks crazed and swashbuckling.
ANDREWS: Arr, Captain, we're caught in a tractor beam!
CAPACITOR: No we're not, you just left the thing in "park" again!
There is a clunk and a bang, one of the stage lights falls over, and suddenly the side of the ship blows open---out come Viral nometroopers, shooting wildly. Without an abundance of cover, the pirates all tremble, fearing imminent deletion...forgetting the fact that nometroopers couldn't hit the broad side of Megabyte's ego.
MEGABYTE: I heard that! (snarls at the Author, who herself begins to tremble) I'll get you for that later...
Anyway, the pirates just stand perfectly still, while the nometroopers continue to fire wildly and miss. One of the pirates shoots back, and as it turns out, the troopers' armour doesn't work too well either. Grinning, the pirates charge.
BELOW DECKS
Teeveepio is whistling to himself, bumbling around the lower decks, looking for Scuztoo.
TEEVEEPIO: (loudly) Hey, SCUUUUU-zzy! Scuzzy! Come on, we don't want the Virals to find us!!! We've GOTTA SNEAK OUT!
He spots Scuztoo in a cabin up ahead, with PRINCESS DOT...she is recording some message on Scuzzy little viewscreen/head. She finishes, replays to make sure she looks beautiful and distressed enough, and pats Scuzzy on the head before vanishing around a corner. Mike doesn't seem to have even noticed her.
TEEVEEPIO: Scuzzy! Where have you been? The Virals are coming this way!
Scuzzy chirps something, and leads Teeveepio over to an airlock.
TEEVEEPIO: (tiny voice) You're kidding, right? I'm not jumping out there. We'd stand more of a chance against a Viral firing squad! (pauses and thinks) Actually, it'd be almost impossible to get deleted by a Viral firing squad...Scuzzy rolls his eyes and clamps his jaws onto Teeveepio, flinging him out of the airlock and jumping after him into the portal to PENTIUMME.
UPPER DECKS
Somehow, the pirates lost. The few who surived have been captured. MEGABYTE---black and shiny like he was in "Gigabyte"---has come aboard and is throttling Captain Capacitor. HACK and SLASH are nearby.
MEGABYTE: What happened to those e-mails you intercepted? What have you done with those plans?
CAPACITOR: (choking) Arr, OK, you win. They're right in the---
But Megabyte keeps choking Capacitor, and deletes him.
MEGABYTE: Uhhh...if the Empress asks, neither of you heard him say that. Understand?
SLASH: Heard him say what?
MEGABYTE: Excellent.
SLASH: (looks sad) No, really, what? I was counting my toes. (glances back down at his complete lack of toes)
MEGABYTE: (sighs) Just clean this mess up, will you, you idiots?
HACK: Your wish is our command!
SLASH: Corpse Cleanup Crew, reporting for duty, Sir!
Hack and Slash haul away MB's latest victim. A squad of Viral binomes march up, escorting the elaborately coifed Princess Dot, who looks very ticked off (no wonder, with that cinnamon-bun hairdo).
DOT: Megabyte! When the Internet Senate hears about this---!
MEGABYTE: Don't act so surprised, Princess. Now tell me where the plans are!
DOT: I don't know what you're talking about! I'm a member of the Senate on a covert mission to deliver the stolen Death Tear plans to the Rebels at...(catches herself) Oops.
MEGABYTE: This might not be so hard after all.
VIRAL OFFICER: Lord Megabyte! The plans aren't aboard this ship, but a couple of robots fell out of the airlock during the fighting. I...don't know why that's relevant enough to bring to your attention, I just thought I'd mention it.
Dot sticks her tongue out at Megabyte immaturely, and Megabyte growls.
MEGABYTE: She must've given them the plans...send a detachment down to the system. Nothing will stop us this time!
PENTIUMME
A bleak, depressing, obsolete system with two suns and endless sand dunes. ENZO WEBSTRIDER is walking happily through the desert near his uncle's energy farm, whistling his happy theme music to himself, when Teeveepio and Scuztoo hurtle out of the sky and land right on top of him.
ENZO: Owwww...
TEEVEEPIO: (rubs his head) What happened?
ENZO: Alphanumeric, a TV!! And a...(tries to figure out what Scuzzy is, and gives up) ...a TV!
He hauls Teeveepio up and trots happily back towards the farm, Scuztoo following close behind.
TEEVEEPIO: I have a bad feeling about this.
ENERGY FARM
UNCLE QUICKEN is a gruff, sour, but sternly well-meaning One binome, who has raised young Enzo along with his wife AUNT COREL, a slightly nicer character. Uncle Quicken is standing around looking sour when Enzo runs up, carrying Teeveepio.
ENZO: Uncle Quicken! Look what I found! This TV just fell out of the sky!
QUICKEN: Sure it did, Enzo. Just tell me who you stole it from and we'll take it right back.
TEEVEEPIO: "The Horrors of Spider Island"...tonight at 8, only on BMMN, the Bad Monster Movie Network!
QUICKEN: (eyeball roll) On second thought, you probably did them a favor.
ENZO: (bouncing up and down) So can I keep him? Huh? Huh?
QUICKEN: Hmm... (to Teeveepio) Do you get ESPN?
TEEVEEPIO: Absolutely! I receive over six million television channels...
QUICKEN: All right, you can keep him, Enzo. Take the TV and the...(looks at Scuzzy)...whatever that is...down to the garage and get them cleaned up.
ENZO: (full blast whiny-kid mode) Awww, but I was goin' to Goshgee Station to pick up some power converters! Waaaaah!
QUICKEN: You can waste time with social interaction and friendship when your chores are done.
Enzo frowns and stomps all the way down to the garage, with Scuztoo and Teeveepio following, looking confused.
GARAGE
Enzo is sitting around, moping and playing with his free actor's comp copy action figures, while Teeveepio sits in the tub, soaking.
ENZO/: (voicing and playing with the action figures) ...having carved his way through hordes of nometroopers, destroyed Megabyte and the Empress, as well as eliminated the possibility of any male competition by deleting Bob Solo (makes the Bob figure fall over and erase with an "ugh" sound)...the handsome, brilliant, handsome, talented---did I mention he was handsome?---Enzo Webstrider makes his way to the beautiful Princess Dot and...
TEEVEEPIO: Uh, I seem to be sparking and short-circuiting here. Is that normal?
ENZO: Probably. (sets down his action figures) Oh, Gigs is right. I'm never gonna get out of here!
TEEVEEPIO: Who's Gigs?
ENZO: I don't know, his scenes didn't make it to the final cut.
Teeveepio crawls out of the tub and begins to dry himself off with a towel. Enzo plops down and starts scrubbing Scuzzy.
TEEVEEPIO: Well, I guess you've owned us for about three seconds now, we should make with the introductions. I'm Mike the TVPO, and this is my counterpart, Scuztoo-Detoo.
ENZO: You can call me Enzo.
TEEVEEPIO: I see, Sir Enzo.
ENZO: That's "Great and Exalted Master Enzo" to you, buddy.
TEEVEEPIO: Ohhh...kay.
ENZO: (to Scuzzy) Wow you've got a lot of gunk on you. You guys must've been around since the prequels!
TEEVEEPIO: Actually, yeah, we have been...
Enzo scrubs one area too hard, and Scuzzy suddenly twitches. His dome turns on, projecting a hologram of Princess Dot.
DOT'S HOLOGRAM: Help me, One-Oh-One Kenobi. You're my only hope. (hologram skips) Help me, One-Oh-One Kenobi. You're my only hope...
TEEVEEPIO: Scuzzy, I think we need to use the SkipDoctor on you...
ENZO: (stunned) Who is she? She's beautiful!
AUDIENCE: (in disgust) She's your sister!
TEEVEEPIO: I don't know, somebody important.
ENZO: How can you tell?
TEEVEEPIO: Well, would we be this worried about her if she was just an extra?
DOT'S HOLOGRAM: Help me, One-Oh-One Kenobi...
ENZO: You have a point. (looks thoughtful) I wonder if she's talking about old Bob Kenobi. He's some wacky old guy in a bathrobe who lives a few bits out...y'know, keeps paper clips for pets and has a lawnmower graveyard outside his hut?
TEEVEEPIO: Uh, no...never heard.
DOT'S HOLOGRAM: (getting impatient) WHAT IS THE HOLDUP, ONE-OH-ONE?! HELP ME ALREADY!!!
The hologram vanishes, and Enzo gets upset.
ENZO: Bring her back! I want to gawk at her some more.
Scuzzy sticks out his tongue, and Teeveepio smacks him. Scuzzy bites Mike's hand.
TEEVEEPIO: Yeowch!
AUNT COREL (O.C.): Ennnnzo! Dinner!
ENZO: (yelling) All right, I'm coming! (to Teeveepio) I'll be back in to play video games on you after supper.
Enzo trots off, as Scuzzy and Teeveepio look on after him.
TEEVEEPIO: Funny. He looks a lot like the little sprite who built me...
DINING ROOM
Uncle Quicken is looking even more sour as he picks at the dinner Aunt Corel is serving. Enzo skips up to the table happily, plants himself in his chair and begins stuffing his face.
ENZO: (talking with his mouth full, food sprays everywhere) You know, I think that TV and the whatzit might've been stolen.
QUICKEN: (eyeball roll) Yeah, by you. Lousy kid.
ENZO: No, really! The little cat thing says it belongs to somebody called One-Oh-One Kenobi.
QUICKEN: (suddenly defensive) No, look, we had no idea that Megabyte was your father!! We only did it to protect you! You can't prove anything!!
ENZO: Huh?
QUICKEN: Uh...nothing.
ENZO: I thought he might've meant old Bob Kenobi.
QUICKEN: You're grounded.
COREL: Quicken!!
ENZO: (eyeball roll) Oh, fine.
Enzo stalks off to his room to sulk childishly, while Corel glares at Quicken as angrily as she can---which isn't very angrily.
COREL: Enzo's just not a farmer format, Quicken. He's got too much of his father in him.
QUICKEN: That's what I'm afraid of. Geez, next thing you know, the kid's going to want to have a future and a career and everything.