| Sometimes I wonder if I want to go home. I don�t feel like I need to be there�and where is home anyway? My true friends�the few that have stayed close no matter what the distance�have shown that our friendship remains close despite the miles between us. All the other friends who e-mail occasionally with the �I�ve been too busy to write you but I miss you and can�t wait to see you!� excuses are not ones that I miss. My family will be in contact no matter where I go. When I look at our relationships, I realize how it is better when I am distant from them. It is different for me�I love them, but I don�t depend on them. I don�t feel like I need them around. Do I even feel like I need my parents? I want and cherish their love, but to say that I need them close by is not true. I�m torn about feeling like I want a place to feel like I belong�a place to call home. To serve in a church, to decorate my own home, to have that group of friends to hang out with even if we�re doing nothing. But what happens if it�s time to leave there too? The cycle starts all over again! And if I�m only going to be somewhere, like Sac, for a short time, do I try to settle in? When I was back, I was hanging out with C. a lot, hoping we�d be sort of accountability partners. At least that is how it was supposed to be�but I felt more like I was just being there for her, being one for her to call on when she needed someone to talk to. I didn�t mind at all, but I was not getting the same encouragement and accountability that we had originally discussed. And of course, before I left, there was the typical, �What will I do without you? I will miss you!� sort of stuff from her, and not surprisingly, I have not heard from her once since leaving. Or M. who acts like she is everyone�s best friend and does all these things for you outwardly but when it comes to really being there, keeping in touch, she�s not. People are like that. It�s sad. People always say things they don�t really mean. I have always struggled with trying not to have expectations for people because they say, if you have expectations, you will always be disappointed. What I consider a priority may not be a priority of others. How I show love may not be how they show love. As a result, I can�t expect people to do things my way. But I still can�t help but be disappointed that people say things they don�t really mean. Then I wonder, am I like that? How have I disappointed my friends? When it comes to keeping in touch, I keep my end of the bargain and think that I am not disappointing people. But to people who don�t value that and perhaps value something else, am I aware of that? Have I not lived up to a friend�s expectations? Unfortunately people make all the difference wherever you live. You can�t live in a place and be completely isolated from the world and feel like you are living and settling into that place. It really doesn�t matter who we please except for God, but unfortunately, human relationships are extremely important�and God wants them to be that way. The important thing is to not let them rule our judgment or get us too big-headed about ourselves that we forget that God has created us all different. I don�t know if I�m making myself clear. All I know is that I�m going back to California in five days and I don�t really feel like I want to see too many people. I can think of six people. That�s it. I don�t want to hear people saying that they missed me because I will probably be hearing it from people who didn�t even care to keep in touch. It�s not that I fault them for not keeping in touch�I just don�t want them to say they missed me. I want to be alone yet I want to be with people. Please pray for me. I don�t know how to feel. I know I don't sound exactly Christian-like, but I'm just being honest. I don't want to be mean, but sometimes that is my tendency when my emotions are confused...and this time, I can't even blame it on PMS. |
| confused meanie 12.12.02 |
 |