| internal gulag 07.31.03 |
| Self-pity and bitterness were both characteristics that were creeping up into my heart as I evaluated the situations I was in, as I judged the people around me, as I simply wished for everything to be different. I knew it was a wrong attitude to have, and I knew these things were preventing me from feeling any true joy. But it didn�t really sink in until last night�s Bible study, led by O., when he said that self-pity and bitterness were signs of weak faith. Self-pity and bitterness�that�s me! Which means weak faith�that�s me. I�m trying�I really am�and there is nothing in my life that I want more than a strong faith in God (okay, and maybe the ability to fly). With faith like that, I can say that I�ve left my burdens and worries at His feet and simply been able to walk away without looking back. But that�s not my case. I really want to leave them there, but I find myself walking away still tied to them by an invisible cord. It seems like whenever it�s *that* time of the month, all the worries that I�ve let go just come snapping back to me on that cord. I worry about fitting in, about finding sisters that I can turn to without feeling like I�m being a burden, I worry about coming off as being too independent, but knowing that is really who I am. We started studying the book of James last night and here I was, answering questions, analyzing the passage, but not really letting it sink in. Then finally�application. What are some instances in my life where I am given the chance to persevere in a trial�and how am I doing? I�m doing it right now! This whole move is one big trial, and although it seems easy, there is so much more to deal with than just the physical move. Working and living on my own are the easy parts. Internal struggles are battling within�my relationship with M., involvement in church, being myself in a crowd of new faces, needing time alone. None of it is really negative. I�m just trying to handle it all on my own. I�m learning more about myself and wondering if I like this person that I�m learning about. But that�s not the point. The point is that I want the seed to be sown on good soil so that when the sun shines harshly upon it, it won�t shrivel up and die because it has not been strongly rooted and planted deep enough. I don�t have to act like my life is easy and perfect�I just have to acknowledge that there is something that troubles me and then leave it at God�s feet�and then turn around, walk away unattached, and don�t look back. |
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