| readsleepmusicstareoutwindow 06.19.02 |
| For as long as I can remember, I've had this ailment that inflicts me and really effects how I feel every waking moment. It's the "Busybody Syndrome" where I need to be kept busy all the time. It's not like I'm afraid to be idle in fear of finding out "who I am" as some would think. It's more like I like to do things and get bored when I sit without anything to do. So for the road trip, I came packed with two books, letters to respond to, more paper, a journal, and CDs. I was ready. To my surprise, a lot of the car ride was spent just listening to the music and staring out the window. Even when we weren't talking, I would just stare out the window. At what--who knows, because the scenery wasn't that great in most of the states. I hardly read in the car, I hardly wrote in my journal and didn't even write letters in the car...I slept a lot, though. But it surprised me that I just sat there, doing NOTHING. But even as I sat, my mind was telling me to find something to do. It was telling me that I needed to be DOING something, to make the most of my idle time. But I didn't. And I was okay with it. My body was itching to move. I could feel it. It wanted to multi-task, even in a car, but I didn't let it. It was a very strange feeling. Interestingly enough, my devotions were about just that--being still. When we pray about something, are we even giving God a chance to respond, or are we already rushing ahead to work toward the answer that we want? I get antsy because I'm impatient. What is the best way to hear someone speak? To be still and listen for their voice. It doesn't mean to sit around and pick our nose while we wait for an answer. It just means to take time to slow down and be conscious of hearing what God has to say to us. I know that's what I need to do, but it's such a hard concept for me to apply into my life. Just like how I was antsy in the car, feeling like I needed to be doing something...that's how I am at home as well...and that's how I am in my relationship with God. When I do finally take those rare moments to just sit or lay there...to calm my heart and just be still, it takes me awhile to actually BE still. My mind is still racing and I could sense my muscles twitching, rearing to go. But it's something I really need to work on. It's okay to be still. It's okay not to have a packed schedule (which is something I'm adjusting to currently). And it's definitely okay to be still before God and just listen. Quietly. Unmoving. Still. |
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