| when will it be MY life? 06.02.03 |
| Ever since I�ve moved, I�ve become very analytical of my personality, my surroundings, and just my life in general. I thought I had a good sense of who I was before. I thought I knew how I�d react to certain things, how I�d behave in certain situations, how much stronger I was emotionally and spiritually. But upon moving, things have completely surprised me. I now realize that I�m a more insecure person in a relationship, I read into everything 100% more than I need to, and I eagerly desire to be the indy chick that seemed so easy to be before, but now has become a challenge. In fewer words, I realize I�m a total female. This is pretty much how girls are. This has caused me to become a bit disappointed with myself. I thought I�d handle things better, I thought I�d be able to adjust faster, yet it remains a struggle. Okay, I�ve only been here a month, but I already notice changes in myself�changes that result from the battle between Indy Chick and Compromising Couplehood Mel. One thing that I always seem to talk about is control. When you are single, who controls your everyday schedule? Who determines what you are going to be doing? Whose life do you have to take into consideration even in the little things? Mine and mine only. But when I moved, I not only had to adjust to securing my own life in LA; I had to adjust to another life that was so deeply intertwined with my own. Although M. gives me freedom and vice versa, it�s not so simple now to plan out my week. Not being familiar with the area doesn�t help either. I feel like the more time I spend with M., the more clingy I become, even if I don't want to be like that. I have become so highly dependent on M. for even the little things�where is Target? Where can I buy this? Where is the cheapest gas? Things that were second nature for me to know before make me feel so helpless now. Thus, loss of control. Another issue is this thing about what is mine. I am not talking about material things. I�m talking about areas of my life where I was so confident, assured, and comfortable before�and now, that has all been taken away from me within a 5-hour drive between NorCal and SoCal. When we are hanging out with friends, although I consider them my friends now, they were M�s first. When we go to church, although I really enjoy the church, it was still M�s church first. He has history with everyone and everything that we are interacting with. I feel like I really need things that are my own. I like that I have a job now because I finally have something that I started here that was mine from the beginning. It was not M�s to begin with�it was something I sought out on my own and it is a part of my life that is new to him. I recently attended a capoeira class, and although I am not sure if I will become a regular, it was enjoyable because I was not the newbie tagging along with M. I was my own person, doing something that I am used to�comfortable with�and it�s something that I have brought with me that reminds me of the life I knew up north. To be honest, no one really makes me feel like the newbie. I feel like I'm fitting in quite well and getting to know people on my own. Yet the analytical side of me is always conscious of this, even though I knew from the beginning what I was getting myself into. And these things that are �mine� do not have to be only mine. I would love for M. to know about my workplace, to visit it, to meet the people I talk about all the time. I would love for M. to see what capoeira is, to see why I love it so much�and if he really wanted, to take a class, too. But the main thing is that I do have things that I am going into on my own, rather than just following him into. Maybe this is a good thing for me. Maybe it�s forcing me to realize that I need other people�and needing other people also means being more lenient and forgiving when people don�t do things the way that I am used to. Needing other people means being more humble and patient�means being more trusting of them because I am turning to them for help. This is what being in a relationship is all about�compromise, trust, dependence�yet keeping a sense of independence and teaching one another. |
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