| cheesy love songs 05.29.02 |
| If I told people that today was my 3-year anniversary from graduation, they would say that they were surprised that I was out of high school that long. But no sirree, I am talking about my 3-year anniversary since graduating from COLLEGE, which means my high school grad was seven years ago. Three years ago, I wore a purple cap and gown and marched with 499 of my classmates into the SFSU football stadium (where we ironically did NOT have a football team) and scanned the bleachers for my friends and family. It's been a swift three years and so much has happened since then... Speaking of things happening, remember in the last entry, I mentioned a friend that would also be going to Brazil? Well, as things sometimes have a way of working out, this may turn out to be more than friendship, and it's a mutual thing. It's interesting how things like this happen when you least expect it, and I'm confident to say that I have incredible peace about this friendship and wherever God takes it. If we only stay friends, I know we will continue to grow together and encourage each other...if it becomes more, well, that's exciting too. When I look at my friendship with M., although it has only been for a month and half, I feel like I already know him really well. One good sign about this is that I haven't referred to him as The Enemy, as I previously named guys, one in particular, that posed a threat to the Indy Chick mentality. The Enemy's words made me doubt who I was proud of being, and made me question all the accomplishments that I was proud of. I didn't feel the emotional or spiritual support of The Enemy, yet I was still hopeful that maybe we would be more than friends? What was I thinking?! When the phone calls with M. increased in frequency and duration, alarms went off in my head. Uh-oh, I told myself, do I have feelings for this guy? And if I do, am I going to have conflicts with the Indy Chick mentality? But so far, it's been okay. I admit, I do feel a bit of apprehension about opening myself up to the possibility of getting close to someone again, meaning the chance of getting hurt. But that's only a tiny bit of apprehension. More dominant is the feeling of security that our relationship with Christ prevails over all the tiny details about "our" relationship, and because of that, what happens between us isn't all about lovey-dovey emotions or rushed feelings. Looking further down the line after he graduates and I get back from Brazil in December, we don't want to make plans that revolve around one another, as couples often do. I don't want to move down to LA just to be with him, and I don't want him to move up north just to be with me. I really, really want to make sure my plans after December are a part of God's plan for me, and likewise, I want to see him following after God's plan for him. If that means we are led to different parts of the world, so be it. I am sure that we would still remain close. Of course, I'd like to see us led to the same area, but not if that's just what WE want for OUR relationship. Alarms also went off in my head because I really didn't want this to become a distraction in Brazil. I'm going down there to serve God and to see if full-time missions is something for me in the future. People tease me about finding a Brazilian husband, but honestly, I did NOT want any relationships to throw off my routine in Brazil. So since I started having feelings for M., I started to pray that our friendship would not hinder us from the purpose of the missions trip, and it's nice to know he is also praying the same thing. It's nice not to feel like I have to rush anything. Usually I feel like if I don't act now, nothing will ever happen. Although things have happened quickly so far, I don't feel like we have to commit to being "together" right now. This month will be interesting to see how our friendship changes (if it does) while he is in Brazil and I am still here. It will definitely mean less contact, but will it mean we will drift apart as friends? I really doubt that. And then when I land in Brazil on July 2, hopefully to be met by M. at the airport, it will truly be a reunion this time and we'll enjoy a month together before he heads off to Hawaii to finish up school. So the adventure begins and I'm excited to see where it ends up. |
 |