promise of a new day

My first weekend in Sacramento had not even been completed before I ran back to San Francisco. I spent Friday night there and did a hike in Marin County and then made it back to Sac in time for the Coram Deo Kick-off Potluck. I actually had to drag myself there and even on the road, contemplated turning back. But I knew I needed to go. If I am to find fellowship here, how can I find it sitting at home alone? The evening was entertaining, brought back memories, introduced new faces...but I wasn't completely at ease. Should I expect to feel comfortable at once? Who knows? Once the festivities ended, B. and I headed to Broadway for the capoeira demonstration. I hoped to see the school's best since this *was* a demonstration, but again, I was not impressed. Omulu continues to hold first place in my book of capoeira skills.

But that's beside the point of this entry. Today at church, I went to Chili's for lunch with a large group of people. On my end were people that I did not know that well...and were fairly new compared to the group located on the other end of the table. The girl next to me was actually really new and didn't know too many others sitting at the table. At the other end were the people that I went to Co-Koi with...the people I had known for a long time...yet they were also the people that I didn't talk to when I came back to visit. They were the ones who didn't talk to me, either, except for a hi and quick "what are you up to?" before moving on. They were the ones who seemed very comfortable in their comfort zone, in their social circle. These were the ones that I was nervous about returning home to.

I actually really enjoyed the company of the people on my end. Even though I hadn't shared other memories with these people or hadn't even farted in front of them, I was able to learn about their spiritual background, their current situations, what they had learned at WCC, what God was doing in their lives now. That was the type of fellowship I was seeking. That was the type of fellowship that I was leaving behind in SFCAC and that was what I wanted to find again at this point in my life. I didn't particularly care to find people to do things with. But what I wanted were people I could pray with...or I could ask them to pray for me...or to share struggles with. And even though I hardly know these people, I honestly feel like if I needed to, I could pull them aside at church and confide in them.

I was a little disappointed to learn that Coram Deo would only be meeting twice a month...and only one out of those two meetings would be a "serious" meeting, or Point of View Discussion, which would elaborate on the secular and Christian views of an issue. The other meeting would be a social event. I feel like I want some hard-core Bible studies, though. I applaud the group for seeing itself as a seeker-sensitive group, appealing to those who are looking more for fellowship. But I honestly don't see myself opening up to these people, especially with one "serious" meeting a month. I already opened up more with people I never had lunch with before today than with people I have known for more than half my life. I'm not--in any way--trying to put down any of the people in the group. They are nice people and, especially for Coram Deo, I hope the group continues to grow and develop. But in terms of what my needs are, I can't really say that I find them in this group or with that social circle.

But I'm not as disheartened as I thought I would be. And that's because in the church, I still see fellowship. It doesn't come under an official group with a name tacked on to it. But I see it in individuals...former Sunday School teachers or counselors...people that I've enjoyed talking to before...and with even just one or two of those brothers and sisters, I can still have some sort of C-life (community life) that God wants us to have.