| excuse the frown 02.25.03 |
| "Be joyful always; pray continuously; give thanks in all circumstances for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." (1 Thess. 5:16-18) This was one of my favorite verses that I memorized in Brazil because it was such a great reminder of how I could be content no matter what my situation was. It also came up in The Hiding Place, a book about Corrie ten Boom's life as she and her family suffered in the concentration camps after being caught helping the Jews hide from the Nazis. Corrie's sister repeated this verse as they thanked God for the flea infestation in their crowded bunkers. At this point in my life where I'm suspended in Sacramento--unemployed with not much of a social life or any daily schedule--I desire with all my heart to be able to be joyful and really give thanks for my situation. But I can't. Does that mean I'm not a strong Christian? Does that mean I don't trust God? I know that I am impatient and I need to rely on God so much more, but it just means that I'm going to be honest with you about how I am feeling at the moment. Today as I was helping my mom make fried rice, I tried so much to put a smile on my face, but I couldn't. My head had started to hurt the moment this big guy (probably mentally unstable) yelled at me, "WHY THE HELL ARE YOU FOLLOWING ME?!" and muttered things about Bruce Lee under his breath. (If he's making fun of Chinese, then I'm insulted. If it's because I remind him of Bruce, I'm flattered.) I seriously thought it was going to get physical but fortunately he turned the other way and I rushed to my car with a headache and shaky hands. I just thanked God profusely for protecting me. (For the record, I was NOT following him. I was merely crossing the street at the same time.) While making the rice, I remembered the verse above about giving thanks, so I thanked God for not having to pay rent; for being able to spend time with my parents; for having so much free time; for having great home-cooked meals. There truly is a lot to be thankful for. So why does my head feel like it's going to explode because I'm frustrated? I'm frustrated because I think this job search will take longer than I expected. That, I don't really mind, but what I really need to do is find something to do in the meantime. I am a restless soul that just needs activity. I need to feel productive. Do I just work here? If so, what happens when an interview gets scheduled in LA? Do I just find temp work in LA and look for a job in the meantime? In that sense, I'd be able to move down there and settle even faster into my own place. But temp work...*groan*...I have plenty of experience doing clerical work, but I get these horrible flashbacks of dried fingers and papercuts, of standing at the copy machine making copies of book pages which are the worst since you have to manually do each one. With a job like that, I need a very active after-work life like an intense capoeira workout or a stimulating class to keep from getting braindead or getting the infamous cubicle big butt. And then I'm frustrated because people are suggesting that I find other options in other cities. I know that this is a good option, but at the same time, there is one big reason why I'm moving to LA. I considered moving to the east coast before, but that was before M...and I know that in the future, I won't look back and regret not moving to the east coast. Moving "for a guy" is almost like an Indy Chick sin to me, so I try to justify it by throwing in other reasons, but the bare truth is that it IS for a guy. We COULD consider moving to another city together but what is the point of both of us starting off new and broke and not being able to save up much money? It makes sense for him to stay at home and save up money when he gets a job. I really don't mind moving into his life, to join his circle of friends, serve at his church...because I have been there, seen it all, and feel like I could fit in there...hopefully. I feel that it would be easier for me to enter his world than for him to enter mine, because really...if he were to enter my world, where would that be? Who would be in it? For so long now, everyone who is "in my world" is not even physically IN it. And if we were to start fresh together elsewhere, we'd end up just depending on each other way too much. I feel that my life experiences have been full so far. I've lived my life in what I consider to be the most beautiful city that I have seen so far (SF) and I have experienced life in a foreign country. I've had my share of interesting housemates and rental situations. And right now, I feel that my place is to slow down for a bit and settle in somewhere once again before God calls me elsewhere. I could see myself settling down for a bit and then maybe, hopefully, there will be an opportunity for me (us??) to use my (our??) skills for God on a more long-term basis once again. That would be great and I am actually praying that something like that will come up. Of course, it's going to be hard to pull up any roots I put down, move, and then re-root, but I know it's possible. I'm sure that once this whole ordeal is over, I will look back at this period of time and once again, see how everything worked out. And although right now, I'm having a hard time giving thanks in all circumstances, I hold fast to these encouraging words: "He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary and young men [and women!] stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." (Isaiah 40:29-31) |
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