hear me roar...please?

I'm frustrated. I really am, and I don't know how to express it. I've been ranting about how great my fellowship is, and how supportive they are...but I failed to address any internal issues we may be facing. I don't know if other people sense it, but it was recently brought to my attention that things aren't as peachy as they seem. Interestingly enough, these were things that I noticed long ago but just accepted them. Issues such as certain individuals taking charge too much when the decisions of the core should be made collectively...feeling as if my opinions were not valued so I ceased to speak up. It's not like I had really strong opinions about anything anyway, so why not sit back and not just add to the collection of strong voices. If I felt strongly about something I'd probably speak up, but since I'm pretty much just laid-back about things, I didn't feel the need to chime in.

But now I do have strong opinions about the way things are run, and I want to speak up even though I'm leaving in two weeks. Today I tried. I spoke with someone also on the core and addressed some issues about the selection of a Bible study leader and the responses of "We decided this...," and "We figured that..." made me really frustrated. I thought, "Who is this 'WE' that you're speaking of??!" It should be the core, but obviously it's not or else we wouldn't be having this discussion because I would have been a part of that decision. Or sometimes two of them will make the decision and the rest of us will just find about it later on. It's not like I'm offended that I, specifically, am left out. I'm frustrated because there isn't a strong sense of communiction or unified vision within the core. There are different agendas being pushed on the core members and on the group that may not reflect the viewpoints of the rest of us. Are we here to push our own agendas or are we supposed to be unified in Christ to serve the group? Obviously it's the latter answer...so why does it seem more like the first?

At WCC, there were so many little messages here and there affirming that I should speak up and bring up my concerns to the rest of the core. Things like finding my voice in God, freeing myself from the desire to be a people-pleaser, that everyone is a leader. I have been struggling with those topics...about not seeing myself as a leader. The original core was full of "typical" leaders, meaning the ones who are more outspoken, are very vocal about their views and aren't very receptive of differing views, of those who like to talk fast and loud, overpowering those who may not speak as confidently or loudly. Leaders like that intimidate me. They make me quiet down and hide in the shadows. I don't like to argue or confront. Even when I'm talking to someone and their viewpoint differs, if I can tell they take things personally and get upset at people who think differently, I let them just rant about their opinions. Even if I think they're totally wrong...or know they're totally wrong, if it makes them feel good about themselves, so be it. I am not one to take away their spotlight.

But God places us all in leadership positions for a reason. He doesn't call us to be wimpy leaders who don't want to speak up. He gives us all different leadership styles and personalities and encourages us to be confident in Him. Why the fear of speaking up and making my viewpoint known? Do I not want to hurt feelings or leave on a bad note? I think that's it...but how much more discouraging it is to leave and know that I never spoke out about my feelings.