knock 3 times on the ceiling if you want me...

"...twice on the pipe if your answer is no."

What a funny song. The guy is singing about a girl who lives in the apartment above him, and although they have never met, he loves her. So he creates a code for her [as stated above] as well as "knock three times means you'll meet me in the hallway; twice on the pipe if you ain't gonna show."

My whole fear of going back to Sacramento continues. I don't think I wrote about this before, but it's what Trish and I call the "Sacramento complex." It's not like we were losers in Sac, but there's just a sense of feeling like you have to prove something to people there. Even just by walking around, you feel like you don't really belong, and if you run into someone you know, you have to have something to show for all these years. And this doesn't just happen in Sacramento. It also happens when you encounter someone from the Sacramento past in your current city. It's all a mental handicap, though. No one really cares that much, and no one is going to shun you if you don't prove anything.

When I'm here in SF, I feel more confident. I'm the SF Mel, the one who has worked hard to become the person I am today. Sure, there is a lot that I'm lacking, but I like this person better than the Sacramento Mel. And that brings me to the qualms about moving home. I was telling Jane that I feel like I'm going on two missions trips. One to Sac and one to Brazil....guess which one seems to be more challenging at the moment? Moving back to Sac means struggling to keep my identity and maintaining the SF Mel while I'm in Sac. I feel so much stronger when I'm in SF and I can't explain the sudden loss when I'm back in Sac. It's really an odd feeling and I hate it. And if you ask me what the differences are between the two, I can't really pinpoint those either. It's more about attitude and outlook more than what I do.

One thing that will help is getting into the capoeira group there. That's definitely merging the SF Mel into the Sac Mel...and it's not just about DOING capoeira. It's also the sense that there are new people in my Sacramento life, new activities, a new experience in a place that I spent many years in before. Or going salsa dancing in Sacramento. That's another merger.

The main thing I really have to change, though, is my attitude about going back home. Living in Sac doesn't have to be like how it is when I visit. My stay in Sac is whatever I make it to be, and if I feel uncomfortable and lonely, then my stay there will be just that. I don't need to try to remember what I used to in Sacramento, because that was nearly five years ago. I'm not 19 anymore. Who says I have to hang out with people I used to hang out (although all my close friends are gone!) or who says I have to do all the things I used to do? If I want to hang out with different people, I can. If I want to explore new areas of the city, I can. Yes, Sacramento is not nearly as exciting or diverse as SF, and the people cannot compare, but I need to be eager about finding things about Sacramento that ARE exciting and new. It's all about putting on new glasses and looking at Sacramento with new eyes.