it's so carrie

New year's day found Trish, Dorc and I back downtown for more shopping. Now, shortly before the end of the year, I started watching my roomie's "Sex and the City" videotapes of the first season. Over the vacation, I watched Trish's DVD of the second season. I was hooked. I don't know if this is a good thing, because now that I could talk to Trish about it, we ended up discussing our fascinations about the show. We figured out that I would be Carrie, she would be Charlotte, Joni or Dorc would be Miranda, and Kristie would be Samantha. This is all assuming that we could get everyone in the same city and hang out just like the tv foursome did.

But our favorite was Carrie...her style and her ponderings. While we shopped, Trish and I would look for outfits that weren't quite our "norm," but were things that we liked...something a little more eccentric...something more "Carrie." We'd spot something and say "That's not really my style," but soon enough, we determined that THAT was reason enough to get it. It was the new year...a new year to be a little more unique and adventurous. I had dyed my hair auburn several times in the past few years but right before the new year, I finally went with black, something that I had wondered about in the past but never acted on. And it felt good to do it.

It is a new year to not overanalyze but just act. I am tired of hearing myself say "I always wanted to do that but..." It annoyed me when others said it, and annoyed me even more when I said it. If I always wanted to do it, what was keeping me? So on new year's day, I acted on that new mentality.

Every few months, I'll have a dream about C. and I'll wake up wondering just where is he? Is he still in prison? Back at home? I thought many times of calling but never did. I imagined two scenarios...he wouldn't be out of prison yet and I would just get an abrupt response from whoever answered. OR he WOULD be home and I would get a response like "Why are you calling?" So I never called. I don't know if it was the last "Sex and the City" episode about being friends with your exes or if it was the new year mentality...or a little of both...but I decided to take the plunge on Jan. 1.

After all these years, I still had the phone number memorized...his mom answered. I asked if C was there, if he still lived there. She said yes but he wasn't home. *whew* He's out, I thought, and left my number as "an old friend." When she commented about it being long distance, I said I could call back and when would he be back. "He called a few days ago and said he was still waiting for approval but he should be out in a few months."

Oh. He wasn't out yet. I asked for an address...Folsom State Prison, she began...a name right out of the last chapters in my Intro to Criminal Justice textbook. Crazy. She asked my name and I told her Melody. She said "He mentions you a lot." What??? Mentions me? I figure maybe there's a later Melody in his life because, lady, I date back to when we were 15. I'm really hesitant to tell her who I am because Chinese people talk in the community, but I figure what the heck. My intentions are pure. I tell her who my parents are and it clicks in her mind. "Melody...you're the younger one. He asks me if I've seen you or your parents." I admit, it's nice to be remembered...I switch to Chinese to talk to her more and I feel like she's an old friend. Very odd. I ask about the other brothers and she mentions that E. is around and if I want to talk to him. Sure, why not? No more "what ifs" for me.

E. gets on the line and is surprised to hear it's me, but we end up talking for a little bit. All these years, I have wondered about him and D., hoping that they didn't follow in the footsteps of their brother. E. is at City College, hoping to transfer to Davis to study medicine, and D. is transferring to Davis soon to study engineering. I'm impressed and very relieved. They sound like they have been doing well, and I mention that maybe next time I'm in town we can get together. He says that'd be nice because the last time he saw me was probably when he was about 10. I still remember playing Mercy with him at his birthday party. All his little friends were playing games and C. gave a few dollars out of his own pocket as a prize.

When I got off the phone, I was almost shaking. I had been so nervous and unexpecting of the outcome of the call. I was proud of myself that I actually made the call, but also excited about how well it went. Never had I expected to receive such a positive response from them. I'm glad to hear that they visit C. as often as they can, get phone calls from him, and write letters. Back then, there wasn't a very strong family structure, but it looks like things have changed for the better. I still don't know if I should believe his mom about him asking about me, but I can just pretend I didn't hear that. But more importantly, I feel like a load has been lifted now that I did one of my "I always wanted to..." things, AND it turned out positively. The new year had just begun.