| _____________________________________________________________________ 05/30/02 Since Left Eye's death, I've been experiencing a whirlwind of emotions. You name it: denial, depression, confusion, disbelief, anger, guilt, hate, desperation, helplessness...the list goes on. It's nearly impossible for me to comprehend that something that has been so influential in my life for the last seven years is actually gone forever. It's just not concievable. Since I was 11 (I'm now 18) Left Eye and TLC have been the only things that have remained consistent. Everything else about me has changed since then. TLC was always like my rock - no matter what was going on with me, no matter my problem, no matter how sad I was, TLC was always there and they always made me feel better. That goes double for Left Eye. I can't even begin to express in words just how much Left Eye means to me. My friends all know that I love her, but none of them get close to actually getting it. She's more than just my favorite member of my favorite group - she's an inspiration, a mentor. I have so much love and admiration for her, that I could never be angry with her or jealous or anything - it was the closest thing to unconditional love I've ever felt. I'm sure a lot of people, (probably even some of you) think that's ridiculous, crazy, and impossible to believe - but I can't think of any better way to put it. If it is crazy, then I guess I'm crazy because it's true. I love Left Eye as much as I love my best friends; as much as I love anyone really. Not only do I love her - but I'm completely obsessed with her. I'm just beginning to realize how unhealthy this obsession actually is. I mean, since she died I haven't felt at all like myself. I still cry nearly every day, I still feel like it's close to impossible to get out of bed every morning. My obsession with Left Eye had never worried me before, because I never seriously considered how I'd react if this happened. Now that I know, I'm beginning to wish I didn't love Left Eye so much - something I never dreamed I'd wish in my life. One of the worst parts about this is how jealous I am of fans of other stars. Even T-Boz and Chilli fans. I hate that they still have their favorite member. I don't see the fairness in that. I don't get what Left Eye, or any of us, did to deserve this. Sometimes I think this is somehow my fault - like God is punishing me for putting too much emphasis on a stranger and not treating the people in my life (or just other people in general) well enough. I'm not exactly what you'd call a "loving person" - I mean, there's not a lot of people I care about, or even like. I'm not close with my family (aside from my mom and one aunt), I'm very particular with my friends, and most people generally tend to piss me off. So part of me thinks this is supposed to be a wake-up call to me. However, I don't really believe that God is cruel enough to take away someone's life just to prove a point to me - but nevertheless, he was cruel enough to take her life, period. I know people say everything happens for a reason - but what's the reasoning in this? I still can't find one. 06/16/02 I'm looking at a picture of Left Eye right now - from the July 2002 issue of XXL. I still can't believe how beautiful she actually is. I've never seen another person - male or female - come close to having this kind of physical beauty. I know most people would hear me say this and be like "Yeah, yea well of course you'd say that." But it's not like that. Ever since I first saw TLC's "Waterfalls" video when I was 11, I couldn't believe how pretty Left Eye was. To me, she just had the perfect face - no flaws at all. I know I'm not alone, 'cause it's extremely rare I hear somebody say they don't find her pretty. I mean, Left Eye is the closest thing to perfect in my opinion. I could never find a fault in her. Any of the bad things anyone ever said about her were always misjudgments in my eyes. I mean maybe what they say is true, "love is blind" and since I have so much love for Left Eye I can't see her faults - but I dont think that's it. I think I have so much love for her because she has no faults, not vice versa. Believe me, I'm the kinda person who can find the bad in anybody. Anybody but her, that is. I never once seriously disagreed with anything she said or did, never really been mad at her or nothing. As much love as I have for T-Boz and Chilli, I can't say that about them. I definetly can't say it about my mom or friends neither. So what's that about? Just another crazy part of my obsession? Maybe. Or maybe since I'm the type who doesn't show a lot of love to a lot of people, I had to get it all out on one person. Someone that I didn't know personally and couldn't ever really intentionally dissappoint me. 09/03/02: I'm really not to pleased right now. Certain people on a certain TLC MB are trying to tell me I'm not a "true" TLC fan because I don't feel that T-Boz and Chilli should release another LP after 3D. I mean, its not TLC without Left Eye. This album is gonna be weird enough as it is..but more? I think they're only releasing it because it's almost done and 'cause Left Eye started it with them. Even if they were to use unreleased Left Eye material on future projects, it wouldn't be the same. I wouldn't be feelin' it like that. I love T and Chilli, and support them no matter what - but Left Eye is and forever will be my fav and in my opinion, she truly made TLC what it was - for me, anyway. I ain't gonna be havin' people tell me I'm not a true fan, when I know I'm one of the biggest in existence. Five months ago I wanted TLC to go on forever, but it's changed. TLC is no longer TLC and I feel so empty just seein' T-Boz and Chilli. Those VMA's - ughh. It just gave me a reality check of how unbelievably hard it will be when 3D comes out. Although I'm sure they won't do much promotion..it's just very hard to accept. I know when I listen to the new LP for the first time I'll be crying my eyes out through the whole thing. I never dreamed I'd wish for TLC to end, but for me - it already has. 03/10/03: I used to be a member of a popular TLC message board, but I recently decided to stop going, mostly due to a certain member. This person, who I've had somewhat of a rivalry with, constantly made comments to upset me or piss me off - about Left Eye. Now, I can understand a TLC fan not liking one member of the group much, I can even accept he/she not caring that she's gone - but blatantly disrespecting her in a place where many of her fans come isn't right. And for the simple reason that this person doesn't like Left Eye fans. It's so childish and I know I shouldn't let it influence my actions - but that shit gets under my skin. I guess because almost a year later, I still miss her as much as ever, I still think about her constantly and I'm just still sad. Meanwhile, here's this arrogant loser who could care less making smug comments to get a rise out of me- actually wanting to upset me more than I already am. The sad thing is I'm jealous of them..I wish it wasn't my favorite member this happened to. Of course if the tables were turned I wouldn't be making light of someone else's fav member's death like this asshole - but that's just me. I hope they're happy. _____________________________________________________________________ |
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