Whispers & Echoes-Part 3a

Disclaimer: All belongs to the Gods on the Mount--Paramount. I just get to play chess with them. All parts rated NC-17 to be safe.

Whispers & Echoes

by Lady Janus

Part 3: Of Flute Song and Harp Strings

"We'll be landing in fifteen minutes," Chakotay called, looking over his shoulder to where Kathryn sat on the floor analysing a sample of ore.

He could feel her excitement as she looked up and flashed him a radiant smile. "This particular vein is even more pure than I suspected," she commented eagerly before being caught up in her readings again.

He chuckled and turned back to his display, leaving her to enjoy herself--the trip had been delayed over a week, but it had been worth it. He could have easily left the shuttle on auto-pilot and gone back to enjoy her company, but that whole episode with her had taught him a valuable lesson about carelessness and taking unnecessary chances. His entire future--all his hopes and dreams were wrapped up in this thin shell of metal and energy. That had been part of what had frightened her so much about starting a relationship with him. Each embodied the other's hope for the future.

They'd spent nearly a week teaching each other about themselves, their lives before they met and the people who had meant so much to them, who had shaped and moulded them. When they'd finally got around to discussing the accident, it had been a lot worse than he'd imagined. Kathryn had actually watched helplessly as they died. She had tried to save them both because she couldn't choose one and had lost them both.

Technology had failed her then and it had failed here--first in not being able to find a cure for the disease they carried and again that night when she could not find him, could not rescue him from the elements which could have destroyed him so easily. Chakotay found the parallels uncanny, but--even beyond that--their entire situation was enough to frighten anyone. In the end, all he could do was hold her as she relived those terrifying minutes of anguish alone on the frozen waste as her father and Justin died again in her memory.

He deftly piloted the shuttle into its customary spot at the side of the house and laughed as a shower of small objects rained down on the roof and forward viewport. "What was that about?" she asked as he finished the shutdown sequence.

She was already shouldering the sample cases when he joined her. "Curious George and his buddies taking issue with my piloting skills," he laughed. "Well at least I won't have to climb that darned blacknut tree to get enough to make bread in the morning."

She chuckled softly as they exited the shuttle. "They're just welcoming us home," she said, then winced as one bounced off her head and shook her fist at the tree full of primates. "Or not!" she complained.

"Are you up for a swim?" he asked dropping the mining gear in a corner by the door.

"Umm. Just the thing after a hard day's work," she answered enthusiastically. "And we've got more than four hours of daylight left."

Chakotay left her to store the samples to her satisfaction and went to change into his swimming trunks. "What do you want for dinner?" he called as he heard her moving around in her bedroom.

"Don't we have that roasted brownie hen left over?" she returned, her voice slightly muffled.

"Yes, but I thought you'd be tired of poultry three days in a row."

Kathryn laughed as he entered the living room to wait for her. "We might as well get it over with. Now that we know that the meat is as dense as Bolian turkey, we won't cook so many next time--four was a bit much."

"Hey, what is this "we" stuff?" he teased. "And how was I supposed to know? The damned little pests are the size of Cornish game hens. It looks like they've been in the tomatoes again today."

He whistled appreciatively as she entered wearing the high-cut, black swimsuit and she batted her lashes flirtatiously as she slipped on her shoes and followed him out. "I was thinking," she began thoughtfully as they walked down the path. "With winter coming up, although it's likely to be relatively mild this far south, we should seriously consider putting up a greenhouse." He looked at her in astonishment and then smiled. She must really be starting to accept the fact that they most likely would be on the planet for the long haul to suggest something as permanent as a greenhouse. "It would take care of our fresh vegetable needs and do away with the problem of our tomato thieves."

He nodded in agreement. "It would also be easier to cloak two defined structures instead of an open field. The cloaking emitters could be built into the frame or at least mounted on it. Have you decided on the design you want to use?" he asked stepping into the water and immediately crouching to wet his entire body.

"Until this morning I had," she answered as she waded out to him. "Something along the lines of a Romulan cloak seemed best--but with this grade of trialurite . . ." She regarded him seriously and he could see her quick mind running through the pros and cons of her various options. "What do you think of a phased cloak."

"Phased cloaks are dangerous Kathryn," he replied after a moment as the concept sank in--he definitely hadn't been expecting this. "If we're not careful, we can phase ourselves right out of this reality. There would also be no possibility of raising a shield."

"I know, but the advantage would be that someone could walk right over the spot where our house stands and find nothing but a strange, bare patch of ground. It would also be less taxing on the power-grid which would have to sustain a shield as well as a cloak with the conventional system." He nodded as she continued. "I can have the plans for the basic, no frills device ready in about two and a half months, but I'm fairly certain we can have phased cloak within six months."

Chakotay smiled at her and pulled her to him. "Well then, why don't we go for it?" She grinned and kissed him before he continued. "The only thing that would make it perfect is if we could find some way to rig up a long-range early warning system, so that we could cloak before anyone gets close enough to investigate. The shuttle's passive sensors are fine for warning us of someone coming into orbit, but I'd rather know that they were coming long before they got that far."

"I know," she replied. "I can't think of any way around that at the moment--we'd have to leave the planet to do it."

He held her close again and traced her lips with one finger as she wrapped her legs around his hips. "Don't worry, I have complete faith in you," he whispered and kissed her deeply again. His desire mounted as he felt each delicious contour of her wet body torment him and laughed nervously as they broke the kiss. "Gods, Kathryn," he gasped. "How the hell do you manage to do that to me everytime?"

"Whatever do you mean, Chakotay?" she asked coyly as she slid slowly, agonisingly down his front and paddled away with a Cheshire cat smile. He laughed and started after her, hoping that the exercise and the water would cool him off, but he had no doubt that she had felt the evidence of his desire for her. Sometimes, especially at night, it seemed to him that they were moving entirely too slowly, but he was content to wait until she was ready.

****

"Kathryn, it's time you got some sleep," Chakotay said looking at her from the threshold of his bedroom. She had been working almost non-stop on the schematics for the cloaking device for the last week, while he had been constructing the frame for the greenhouse. The native wood he had been using was strong, but after putting it through the molecular bonding process he'd jury-rigged, the termites would need jaws of neosteel to chew through it. She was right, anything technological and she was in her element--she had slowed her research on the virus, but hadn't stopped. He got the feeling she was feeling a little guilty because she liked working on the cloak a lot more.

She waved him away absently. "I'll go in a minute, Chakotay--I just have to integrate the Tarok lines to optimise the field refraction density," she replied automatically without lifting her eyes from the console.

He moved over to the desk and put his hand on her shoulder, "Kathryn, it's nearly one in the morning and you've been going since 06:00. The equations can wait a few hours."

She covered his hand briefly and smiled up at him before saving the file and turning the console off. "All right," she laughed. "You win, but the Tarok lines can be made fifteen percent more efficient with this integration series." She winced as she stood and reached reflexively for the back of her neck.

"Your knots have knots?" he asked smiling at their private joke as she nodded. "Why don't you go lie down and I'll be in to fix it. See what comes of spending so many hours hunched over the computer?"

"Yes doctor," she quipped and disappeared.

Chakotay smiled to himself as he collected his massage oil and a towel. Entering her room, he stopped short in surprise. Usually she would lie on the bed with her arms out of the straps of her nightgown, but tonight she lay under the thin sheet, the nightgown she'd been wearing draped provocatively across the foot of the bed.

"Kathryn?" His voice was soft--needing to be sure there was no misunderstanding. Their eyes met and she lifted the edge of the sheet. There was definitely no misunderstanding as he assimilated his first sight of her naked body. He gave a soft chuckle and placed the massage oil on the dresser, then bent to kiss her passionately.

Chakotay hadn't thought it possible for him to feel more deeply for her, but as their mouths explored one another, he quickly realised just how wrong he'd been about that. He felt her hands at the waistband of his pants he had hastily donned when he'd awakened to find that he'd dozed off and she was still at the computer. He straightened as she sat up and pulled the pants down past his hips. The sheet had slipped down to her waist, and he groaned as she pressed soft, tantalising kisses at his navel before moving down to the mass of black curls beneath.

She pulled away and looked up into his eyes with a bewitching little smile. He quickly shucked his pants and climbed onto the narrow bed as she moved to accommodate his larger frame. As she brought her hand down to stroke his erection, he removed it quickly and used it to fondle her own breast. "Oh no you don't, Kathryn," he laughed softly. "You do way too much damage to my self control. Just give me a little time."

He guided his fingers into her silky mass of curls to explore the soft, plump lips there and grinned as he kissed her--she was definitely a natural redhead. "We have all the time in the world Kathryn," he whispered as he slipped a finger into her wet, narrow passage and her eyes went wide as his thumb manipulated her tender, little bud.

"Yes," she responded hoarsely, throwing her arms around his neck and arching her hips to make closer contact with his hand. "Oh yes!"

Kathryn moaned loudly, throwing her head back as he slipped a second finger into her. He looked at her in wonder of her uninhibited, passionate response as her cries took on a higher pitch. She moved one leg to circle his waist, trapping his hand between them, then clamping her mouth over his, she rode his fingers hard towards her volcanic release.

****

Kathryn heard him whisper her name through the haze of her orgasm-dulled senses and smiled as she brought his face into focus. She could see the mild concern in his eyes as he caressed her damp cheek with one hand and cradled her tenderly in the other arm.

"I'm fine Chakotay," she answered, capturing his hand and kissing his fingertips. "It's just that--" She hesitated for a moment, feeling the warm, embarrassed glow spread beneath her skin. "It's just that I haven't done this in such a long time," she finished, sheepishly meeting his eyes. She knew that she'd never exactly been the quietest of lovers, but she also never remembered being so frantic or loud--never been so demanding with her needs before she was satisfied, and crying until she was.

"I'm sorry I haven't exactly been thoughtful about your needs, your pleasures, Chakotay," she apologised softly. He'd already brought her to orgasm three times and she had yet to touch him, to reciprocate.

He chuckled as he gently stroked her breasts and lowered his head to kiss her. "You don't think you've brought me pleasure?" he whispered hoarsely, as the slow fire began to burn again in her core as his hand roamed her body. "Oh Kathryn, how can you say that? How can you not know?" He clasped her hand tightly as he continued, the love shining in his eyes. "I've never met anyone like you Kathryn, so honest, so full of life and love--I've never made a woman cry before with just a gentle touch. Thank you," he whispered kissing her hand.

She lay for a moment just basking in his love and his praise, before deftly rolling on top of him and straddling his waist. "You're welcome, Chakotay," she answered in her most seductive voice. "But I hope you will allow me to extend a proper welcome," she said reaching back and stroking his erect shaft without breaking eye contact. He gave a sharp intake of breath and then an incoherent groan as she teased him and he reached up to grasp her breasts with both hands. She moved her hand away slowly and lowered her head to his. "I'll take that as a yes," she said hoarsely and crushed his mouth to hers.

She felt him move to roll her beneath him and broke the kiss, sat up again and reached back to stroke the heavy sacs and solid erection. She grinned as he writhed beneath her and she extracted another wrenching groan before beginning a torturous journey with her tongue, starting with a slow laving of his nipples, licking and nibbling them erect before moving down his body, dragging her breasts across his skin. He gasped as she licked the dense black curls and ran a gentle finger up the underside of his shaft, feeling every vein and cord of powerful muscle before kissing the satiny, engorged tip. His fingers tangled in her hair and she could hear his ragged breathing as she drew him into her mouth and began to slowly move up and down, taking him in as deeply as she could.

A few moments later, she heard him cry raggedly, "Kathryn, you have to stop. I can't hold on."

She moved her mouth away, but continue to stroke him as she met his eyes. He was propped up one elbow, while the other hand still tangled in her hair. "Then let go," she purred and he groaned loudly. "We have plenty of time," she said and lowered her head again to lick his heavy sacs as her hand continued to manipulate his thick shaft. It was as she kissed and tongued her way to its apex, that she heard him cry out her name and as his control broke, she gave a joyful laugh.

****

Kathryn cried out loudly as he entered her, but it was quickly muffled when his tongue thrust into her mouth at almost the same moment. She'd expected him to take a while to regain his erection after his first explosive orgasm, but to her delight he'd never lost it and once he came to his senses, he'd quickly caught her by the waist and flipped her beneath him, much to her surprise.

After his initial thrust, he'd stopped for a moment for her to accommodate him, then slowly pushed in as deeply as he could. She gasped as the pleasure and the pressure mounted, and began to move in tandem with his slow thrusts. She whispered his name over and over, an erotic litany that heightened her pleasure--every time he touched the depths of her soul. She met his eyes through a veil of tears as his rhythm sped up and whispered, "I love you." His expressive eyes widened and he pulled her to him, before both were swept away and drowned in a deluge of pure emotion.

And it was at that moment she made her silent vow to him.

****

"Kathryn, can I ask you a personal question?" She lay on her stomach--padds scattered around her on the blanket they had spread by the river. It had been four days since they had become lovers and the first time that they had spent any significant time away from the house and it's immediate surroundings. He didn't know how they were ever going to be able to get any work done in the foreseeable future when he could barely keep his hands off her for more than a few minutes.

She lifted her head from the cradle of her arms, her hair glowing like polished copper in the sunshine and fixed him with a saucy gaze over her shoulder. "Well I should hope so," she answered tartly. "Considering what your hands are doing at the moment."

He gave her a devilish grin and looked down again at the pale mounds of her backside he was currently kneading gently. They contrasted erotically with his tanned fingers and she gave a small gasp as he lowered his lips to bestow a kiss on each hemisphere. A few minutes before, distracted by her demurely covered presence beside him, he'd put down the padd with the schematics for the greenhouse ventilation system, which he'd been studying in frustration. But she had kept working, seemingly unaware of his condition.

And she had continued to ignore him when he'd playfully lifted back the hem of her powder blue dress over her waist. It was only after he'd pulled her peach lace panties down to the tops of her thighs, that she'd dropped her padds and moaned. A gentle finger between her legs told him that she had been more than ready, but he'd been content to just play with her for a while.

Her responsiveness both delighted and amazed him--he'd expected a passionate woman behind that buttoned down captain's exterior, but nothing in his wildest, most fevered imaginings had led him to expect this degree of passion, or this strange blend of sophistication and innocence. Kathryn Janeway was definitely an adult woman who knew what she wanted and how to achieve it, as well as being able to drive a man out of his mind with pleasure. However, she was curiously ignorant of just how unique and alluring she was, as well as some of the most basic techniques and sex games most Starfleet cadets learned in their first year, although she had been more than enthusiastic about repairing that hole in her education.

"I was wondering about your other lovers," he said gently and she gave him a bewildered look as she turned over and sat up. "I mean that we haven't talked about anyone besides Mark and Justin." To his surprise, she blushed deep scarlet to her roots and broke eye contact. He watched in confusion as her discomfort increased and she fidgeted nervously with her dress and hair. "You don't have to tell me if you don't want to," he hastened to calm her obvious distress. "I realise that when we talked, we just discussed the important, defining people in our lives--"

"It isn't that," she said in a low, hoarse voice and closed her eyes as her cheeks flamed an even deeper red.

"Then what is it?" he asked anxiously, wondering what in heaven she could find so embarrassing.

She opened her eyes and took a deep breath as she faced him. "The reason I haven't told you of any others, is because there haven't been any others Chakotay," she said in a soft voice.

Chakotay looked at her in astonishment--completely flabbergasted--certain that he hadn't heard correctly, but knowing that he had. She gave him a weak smile as he tried to assimilate that piece information. She was a beautiful, passionate, forty-one year old woman! He hadn't expected her to have a man in every port, although he wouldn't have been surprised or judged her if she had, but he certainly hadn't been expecting her to say that she'd only been with two other men in her entire life besides him.

Gods, she was practically a virgin! Justin had been in her life for less than a year over fifteen years ago, Mark as a lover seven years ago--when they had celebrated her captain's pips. There hadn't been anyone on Voyager, no one in over two years, but what about the time between Mark and Justin, her years at the Academy--high school for crying out loud! He had barely known what to do with himself during those crazy, hormone-driven years. He realised that his silence was making her more uncomfortable and cast about for something to say.

"Do you mind telling me just how you managed that Kathryn?" She folded her arms across her chest and fixed him with a sour look. "I didn't mean to sound judgmental--"

"But you find it strange," she finished softly, looking out over the river.

"No," he began quickly. "Well yes," he amended, turning her to face him. He gave her a quizzical half smile. "It's just that I was thinking that by the time I got out of high school, I'd already gone through three girlfriends--or rather, three girls had already gone through me!"

She grinned and leaned forward to kiss him gently. "I suppose it is rather strange in this day and age," she said wistfully. "I guess I just never really noticed it until about ten years ago--or rather had it pointed out to me."

"Pointed out to you?" he asked curiously.

She laughed heartily and shook her head. "Yes, in no uncertain terms by my sister Phoebe. She had set me up with one of her friends to escort me to some admiral's party." She gave him a wry look as she continued. "I suppose we hit it off ok. We had a few dates before I had to ship out again, but apparently he had been expecting more than a kiss good night and thanks for a nice time. After seeing each other for a couple of weeks, he'd thought he was being entirely reasonable in expecting more from me--not that he tried to force anything, he just thought it the natural thing to happen and thought it strange, or rather thought me strange. But in my eyes, besides the party, we'd only had four or five dates--hardly something to base a lasting relationship on, not realising that he wasn't looking for a lasting relationship."

She supported her head on one hand as she lay on her side facing him. "I guess that casual sex was just never something I felt comfortable with. I mean I like to have fun--who doesn't--but it always seemed that having sex with someone whom I didn't have any emotional investment in, whom I didn't even know, much less know if I liked, was wrong--pointless in a way. Not that I mean that people who do are wrong," she continued quickly. "Just that it was wrong for me. I guess that I needed to know that I loved the man I was giving myself to and that he loved me."

He looked at her shy expression in amazement and chuckled softly as he kissed her. "I think I can understand that," he said. "But didn't your sister?"

"I don't know--not really, or not fully in any case. Phoebe just couldn't understand how I could be so inhibited when we'd practically had the same upbringing." Kathryn laughed softly. "After all she was the one who came down to breakfast with a boy one morning when she was sixteen, blithely announced that she'd just had sex and could Daddy please pass the sugar."

Chakotay sputtered and coughed as he dissolved into a puddle of laughter.

"Our father nearly had an apoplectic fit, but Mom took the cake. All she said was that's nice dear and then asked Phoebe if she'd had a good time and the young man what he wanted for breakfast. Well, Phoebe stormed out with the boy in tow, ranting that no one cared about her--and all this while my father had yet to say a word. When he finally recovered his powers of speech, he yelled at mom Mom asking what she meant by letting her go off like that, but she'd just laughed at him and scolded him for allowing Phoebe to be able to get the better of him so easily. She knew that Phoebe was just trying to shock them, and in any case, if she'd really had sex the night before, there was little Dad could do about it the morning after--it was not like he could order the two little idiots to undo it."

Kathryn laughed again, eyes twinkling as she continued. "But when Phoebe really did have sex for the first time about a year later, that was a different story. She spent the day after crying into our mother's lap, while I ran interference and took our Dad out for the day. I doubt if Daddy ever knew that it had happened. Poor Phoebe. I remember asking her what went wrong, but nothing had--she just went in with so many first time expectations, and she'd still been too immature at seventeen. She said that she hadn't expected it to be so final or the change in her to be so irrevocable. Anyway, ten years ago, I suppose her friend complained, because she told me that I really should get over these irrational inhibitions of mine and that it was just plain unnatural for me to have only had two lovers at my age."

"Wait a minute," Chakotay said in confusion. "Ten years ago you weren't involved with Mark yet."

"I know," she said laughing. "Phoebe was just about as shocked as you were to find out that Justin had been my first, my only one to that point--probably more so. She nearly went through the roof when she found out that she'd been sexually active for over six years before I'd started, and I'm four years older. She'd thought that Cheb Packer--the boy I went out with for two years until I entered the Academy--had been my first."

"Why wasn't he?" Chakotay asked softly.

"He almost was," Kathryn answered thoughtfully. "But we broke up the day I had been planning to be our first time. We got back together and broke up twice after that, but never did get around to making love," she finished with a grin. "I was rather a late bloomer," she explained. "I didn't even need a bra until I was almost seventeen. Cheb was a handsome devil--still is. He's a diplomat now, a good career choice for him--Mark always said he was a silver-tongued salesman.

"He was rather like Tom Paris, a charismatic rogue and he made my heart race. He also scared me half to death. He just sort of came out of left field and ambushed me with a whole load of feelings that left me dizzy. It took me months to sort myself out in that relationship. Before that boys were pals, friends, sparring partners, they took my friends out--even asked me for advice on one girl or another--but never asked me out. I found out later it also worried my mother that I never really took an interest in them."

She smiled nostalgically. "But there I was, Cheb made me feel like a desirable woman, even though I wasn't sure I was one and I can honestly say that it was wonderful for the most part until the last six months or so. I'd been accepted to the Academy and he hadn't. He got angry and manipulative, we argued all the time and somehow he always ended up putting me down. I started feeling degraded, but I kept hoping things would get better once he got past his disappointment and for a while they did. I thought that I loved him enough to make love with him, but I suppose I was also afraid I'd lose him.

"We'd been planning our graduation trip to Mars for nearly a year and I thought that would have been the perfect time. But we only ended up fighting--we went exploring in the underground caves and I found a fossil. I reported it to the scientific council, but nothing came of it except that people knew that we'd gone into the caves although we knew that they were illegal. After that everything was just too much of a mess. It had started out so bright and wonderful and hopeful, that I felt betrayed when it ended with him so angry and resentful of me."

Chakotay nodded understandingly. He'd been in enough relationships to know what that felt like, both as the object of that anger and resentment and as the one having those feelings at the end of an acrimonious break-up. He was sorry now that her first relationship had ended so badly. "What about at the Academy?" he asked thoughtfully.

She laughed. "I was still smarting about Cheb for a few months afterwards and pretty gun-shy. I was also still trying to sort myself out there, trying to do well in my school work and keep off the probation lists." Chakotay chuckled at the reference as she continued. "I just didn't have the time in first year--or make the time. The few invitations I did accept never really amounted to anything and because I didn't make the time, there were usually no second dates. Then in my second year, I started my project with Admiral Paris and just sort of got caught up in it. I did go out a few times on blind dates my roommate and my other friends set up, but only one date really stood out for me. It was only because the cadet--one William T. Riker--reminded me so much of Cheb that I bolted on him and went back to the dorm to work on my thesis proposal on massive compact halo objects."

Chakotay fixed her with a shocked stare of recognition and began to laugh--great, big whoppers that made his sides ache.

She looked at him in annoyance and demanded, "What is so funny?"

"You couldn't be," he giggled hysterically. "Oh, by the sweet gods you were! You were the redhead! You were the one. Did you know that you were infamous? Do you know what they nicknamed you?" She looked at him in confusion. "My gods Kathryn, I can't believe it--you were the Iron Maiden? The woman who put an end to Riker's scoring streak with an almost complete shut out."

She smiled dryly. "The nickname I know about--it was one of the things Phoebe took pains to acquaint me with ten years ago, but I don't know anything about Will Riker's streak. All I remember about that night was that he was just too smooth and assured for me and reminded me too much of Cheb."

Chakotay made an effort to control himself, but still continued to chuckle softly. "You're right, he always was a self-assured, arrogant devil--but that was his reputation. The thing that made him a legend among the other pilots was that any woman that went out with him on a first date, invariably went out with him on a second and he'd had an unbroken streak since first year until you very publicly put an end to that. He was supposed to be irresistible, but he hadn't even finished his first date with you. You just unceremoniously dumped him in the middle of a crowded bistro. He didn't even have a chance at a second date and then it got out that you hadn't even known that you were having a date with him, that it had been a blind date. The others decided to call it a shut out since twenty minutes didn't constitute a date and for the first time in two years Riker was shot down in a blaze of glory. I don't know who started it, but someone said that a woman would have to be made out of iron--she would have to be an Iron Maiden--to resist Riker and I guess the name sort of stuck."

"I guess it did if you remembered that stupid nickname and not my real name," she said in annoyance.

He laughed again. "I don't even think I was ever told your name. I vaguely remember someone pointing you out to me across the quad and telling me that you were the redhead, the one who finally shot down Riker and gave the rest of us a chance with the women on campus. I don't even think I saw you more than two or three times around--we didn't exactly run with the same set of people and mostly it was a story that was legendary. If Riker had no luck at all with you, what made us poor, mere mortals think that we would. Ironically, I think most people thought the part about working on the thesis was a myth, an excuse to get out of the date, but I guess everyone I knew just sort of deemed you an Untouchable and went to seek greener pastures. But how was it you didn't know about the nickname--we always assumed you did, but didn't care."

"I don't know," she mused with a wry twist of her lips. "I suppose most of that was my own obliviousness. I was not much of a partier, school was always too important. Then I guess my friends were too kind to say anything to hurt me and others simply did what you did, assumed that I knew but didn't care. Come to think of it, I do remember getting some strange looks the few times Mark came by to visit me for a day, but I just put that down to his looks--you know, long hair, tall and gangly, rather unkempt civilian attire. Anyway, after Phoebe's pal complained to her about me, she told me that I really should learn to loosen up, or risk becoming the Iron Maiden everyone at the Academy had thought I was. She said that most people were already starting to compare me to the notorious, frigid, humourless hardasses like Necheyev and Grayson. Women people respected for their minds, but hardly anyone knew or liked. God, even my mother had known about the Iron Maiden nickname," she said shaking her head sadly.

"I asked her for some advice after Phoebe and I talked and she told me that while it was important to let people know I had the mind for the job, it was also important to be able to make friends, to be warm and approachable. She also realised that it would be a hard thing to balance in a command situation, but warned me that a good commander was someone that the crew knew was there for them, someone who wouldn't ream them unfairly or be unreasonable. I also needed to be someone who did everything she could to make damned sure that no one walked all over her or took advantage of her or anyone else."

"Sounds like wise advice," Chakotay murmured softly.

"It was," Kathryn replied. "She also told me that although my sex life--or lack there-off--had worried her, it was important that I follow my instincts and do what felt right to me. It really was no one else's business but my own and if celibacy made me happy, then so be it. She basically told me to ignore Phoebe, but not to forget my interpersonal skills or dismiss the importance of making friends. But even with all that, I think that it was a huge relief to her when Mark and I fell in love. Phoebe's only comment was that it was about time I noticed him, considering that he'd been waiting for me to practically since the day I was born," she finished with a laugh.

"What?" Chakotay asked in shock.

Kathryn giggled and shook her head. "Our mothers even had the pictures to prove it," she said. "Pictures of Mark holding me when I was an infant--he was four and I was less than a year old. His mother said he'd been enchanted by me even then. I couldn't believe it, but when I thought about it later, I realised that for most of my life he'd been one of my closest friends even when I hadn't been nearly a good enough one to him. I'd been trusting him and confiding in him almost my entire life without even realising he was there. I guess you can say that when it comes to love I can be pretty blind," she finished softly and kissed him.

"I guess so," he answered in amazement.

****

Chakotay watched her face in the pale moonlight as she slept beside him. He thought about their conversation again and shook his head in disbelief at the entire extraordinary exchange. It explained a whole lot of things about her--the least of which was her sexual innocence. He understood now why she'd always been so concerned about the crew, why most of the Marquis had liked her, although there had been enough of those who hadn't. Her mother's advice also explained how she became comfortable enough to allow Paris' wise cracks on the bridge, tolerated his more benign gambling endeavours. She'd realised the need to keep the crew relaxed when they were not in a crisis situation and her maddening habit of flirting with him had been more of the same.

However, while she may have found it safe and relaxing to flirt with him, he most definitely had not--it had been more along the lines of slow torture. He also wondered how even after being in a relationship with Mark for five years, she still remained so strangely unspoiled, untutored in her reactions. Not that he was complaining, but by her accounts, Mark had been an experienced man of the world. Chakotay reasoned at last, that if he had been the sort of man Kathryn had trusted for so long, then like he, Chakotay, Mark would have found her a refreshing change. He would not have wanted those honest, natural, soulful reactions to be schooled out of her, or for her to become as jaded and blase; about sex as a lot of women Chakotay had known.

He smiled as he realised that she still approached sex with a sense of wonder, still felt that making love was something that should be done with someone she had committed herself to, someone she loved.

She loved him, he thought with a happy chuckle as he pulled her to him more closely. When she'd said she loved him, it hadn't been just meaningless words thrown out in the heat of the moment--she'd really meant them. He wanted to give a loud yell and run shouting through the forest, Kathryn Janeway loved him. He looked down at her face again and wondered if he'd ever been this happy before, then a moment later, he felt the first pang of true fear as he realised just how fragile this happiness was, how easily it could be destroyed. And he understood the depth of her fright that night when she didn't know where he was or how to find him--if he was alive or dead. He kissed her softly and whispered an ancient prayer as she continued to sleep peacefully in his arms.

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