Part 6
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| End and Begin Again | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| by Lady Janus | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Disclaimer: See Part 1. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| End and Begin Again | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Part 5: The Shepherd | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Rating: PG-13 | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| First Officer's Log, Stardate 55372.6 | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| "We've acquired numerous supplies, spare parts and have even procured five new shuttle fighters, built along the lines of Delta Flyers, from the Bretori shipyards, which engineering is busily bringing up to Starfleet standards. And since the Doctor had been working to cure the children for the last four weeks, the Captain insisted on an extra-long shore leave for all crewmembers. However, although the Bretori were grateful and not to mention generous hosts--almost worshipful where the Doctor and the Captain were concerned--the crew was anxious to continue their journey. But we have company. Five ships belonging to the Clatu have been shadowing us since we left Bretori space." | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Chakotay looked out of the viewport, watching dust and particles accelerated by Voyager's warp field, streak past; a singularly unimpressive sight that had once thrilled him as a child when he had taken his first trips off-world. Chakotay sighed before continuing. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| "As this part of the delta quadrant seems to be shaping up as more of the same--fighting and repairing the ship only to fight again, I had considered bringing up the topic of colonisation again. But the Captain's renewed optimism would make it a hard sell even among those who had previously been in favour. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| "Surprisingly, the setback of not making it home through the Borg transwarp hub has crystallised the goal of reaching the alpha quadrant--even in the minds of those who consider Voyager home. Their attitude seems to be philosophical; seven years ago we'd been seventy years away, now we're only thirty years away. I think most will stay just to see how Janeway accomplishes that feat and our ever-enterprising Mr. Paris has started a betting pool on how quickly it happens. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| "The consensus is that we'll make it back inside a decade, while a significant number of more optimistic gamblers are betting on five years." | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Chakotay ended the recording stared out of the viewport again. He recognised that Paris was a major contributor to the morale of the ship. For some reason, even more than ever before, the irrepressible young man, like Neelix before him, seemed to consider the welfare of his crewmates to be his responsibility. And although B'Elanna had been a little distant since the baby's birth, he knew that she shared Tom's feelings and supported his little schemes. Schemes that consequently kept support for Kathryn's quest high. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Kathryn. Chakotay's relationship with the Captain was more strained these days than it had ever been, even when they'd been fighting tooth and nail over her decisions regarding the Borg, Species 8472--Ransom. There were moments when they would almost reconnect at an almost visceral level, but more and more often, he found that he was the one to pull away first. And in the last little while, he got the feeling that she was no longer trying. He'd recognised long ago what the scene in her quarters the night of the promotion party had been about. She knew about Seven. And giving Seven quarters had been more of the same; the Doctor's recommendation had simply been the excuse. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| She knew about his relationship with Seven and although she was hurt that he hadn't told her himself, she understood. In her own way, she'd been trying to tell him that they were still friends. He hadn't bothered wondering who'd told her. Admiral Janeway. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| But he was tired of it; tired of her understanding of his dalliances and relationships--relationships that often came to nothing--tired of his own understanding of her seeking comfort in the arms of holograms and the occasional alien. He was tired and frustrated at only being offered friendship when he knew that they both wanted more. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| And he didn't need her understanding or approval. After Quarra he'd realised that what he needed was to get on with his personal life--one that didn't include Kathryn Janeway. It was just too hard to continue pretending that he could accept that friendship was all there could ever be between them on this journey. But as he rose and gathered up the reports he had to work on that night, he couldn't silence that little voice inside that insisted his relationship with Seven was wrong. Lately, it had been growing louder. And he wondered if that voice was the reason he'd agreed with Seven to keep it private until the relationship was "sufficiently cemented to withstand public scrutiny." | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| As he left his office and quickly crossed the bridge to the turbolift, he grimaced a little at the memory of Seven's precise, stilted injunction at the beginning of their first date. Although she seemed to be loosening up in the last few months--in fact, at times she was downright emotional and not to mention illogical--she still had a habit of falling back on "drone mentality" and Borg precision, especially in new or unfamiliar situations. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| I suppose it's to be expected, he thought wryly as the lift descended. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| "Next lesson, small-talk," he muttered under his breath as the doors opened and he walked out--right into Tom Paris carrying an armload of PADDs. They did the little dance of trying to avoid collision, but didn't quite succeed. Finally, Chakotay reached out and steadied the younger man, but not before two of the hand-held computers escaped his grasp. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| "Thanks," Paris said gratefully. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| "Light reading for the evening?" Chakotay asked in amusement as he picked the devices up and handed them back to Tom. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| "Not me." Paris grinned good-naturedly. "Subspace field effects on mesoquartzite energy flow in the ablative armour?" He laughed. "Not on your life, Chakotay. Apparently some interesting subspace resonance patterns showed up in the alloy's matrix during our battle with the Clatu, so the Captain's turning the armour research over to B'Elanna; we're thinking of armouring the Delta Flyers--" | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| "What?" Chakotay shouted. "B'Elanna is still on maternity leave--how dare Kathryn dump this in her lap!" Paris' eyes widened in surprise. "And who the hell is in charge of personnel around here anyway? Every time she wants her own way she goes over my head--" | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Paris' sunny expression darkened quickly as two crewmen passed, giving them puzzled looks. Shifting the PADDs into one hand, he grabbed Chakotay's arm and pulled him around the corner. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| "Who shoved a poker up your ass?" he hissed angrily, keeping his voice low. Chakotay stared at him in shock as Paris' crude words cut through his haze of anger. "Get off your high horse, Chakotay. B'Elanna is Chief of Engineering--she had a baby, not a lobotomy! She makes her own goddamned decisions! For your information, she asked the Captain for the work; she was going stir-crazy with nothing to do all day but look after Miral. Most of the basic physical repairs to the armour are finished and this research is something she can direct and co-ordinate from our quarters if necessary. How dare you! What you do with Seven of Nine is your own business, but don't pretend that whatever second thoughts or problems you might be having is Janeway's fault. You're a grown man--open your goddamned eyes and get your bloody facts straight before you start spewing shit about the Captain!" | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Paris pushed past him and disappeared into the lift before Chakotay could say a word in his own defence or begin to formulate an apology. As he continued down the corridor in a daze at the younger man's vehemence, Paris' words registered with the impact of meteor strike. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| "What you do with Seven of Nine is your own business . . ." | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| He knows, Chakotay realised. He stopped dead in his tracks; suddenly B'Elanna's coolness over the last few weeks made sense. She'd never warmed up to Seven and this relationship was bound to make her enmity even worse. Seven's superior attitude--which he had to admit got wearing after a while--also wouldn't make it any easier for his Klingon friend to like her. Chakotay resumed his walk to his quarters wondering who else knew about his carefully conducted relationship with Seven. He found that he was bothered by the thought of it making the rounds of Voyager's highly productive rumour mill. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Damn it! So what if they know, he thought angrily. He had done nothing to be ashamed of and Paris had no right to talk to him that way! What the hell had gotten into him? Another wave of fury washed over him--Kathryn, he recognised now, Kathryn and her suffering martyr act. It was the same old cliché story; she didn't want him, but she didn't want anyone else to have him either and just when he'd started something good--something positive--she undermined it with hurt looks and quiet reproach, all the while giving him her tacit permission to continue with Seven. As if he needed her permission! | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| I'm sick of it! The thought made him tremble with rage as he stopped to punch in his codes. Shooting a venomous glare at the closed door to the Captain's quarters, he stalked inside when his own door opened and stopped short-- | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Seven lounged on his couch in a delectable concoction of black satin and lace, her lustrous blonde hair framing her face in soft waves. Chakotay's brain unhinged from his tongue as he stared at her in shock, his anger from only minutes before, forgotten. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| A small, curious smile played on her full lips. "By my calculations, Commander, your duty shift ended over two hours ago," she said. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| "Seven?" he croaked. He cleared his dry throat and started again. "Seven, what are you doing here? Did I forget a date?" | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| "Not as far as I know," she replied, rising from the couch and snaking her arms around his neck. "But I think that now is the appropriate time to begin sexual relations." | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| "Wha-what??!!!" Chakotay sputtered in bewilderment as her blunt statement registered. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| She removed her arms from around his neck and continued as if ticking off points on a list. "We have been dating for approximately four months now and have had a total of seventy-four encounters with varying degrees of emotional and sexual display. My research shows that on average, the majority of human couples have engage in intercourse by the second month of their liaison, while ninety percent have most certainly had sexual intercourse by the third month. Only 0.85 percent of human couples who find each other attractive and compatible have not had sex by the fourth month." | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| She levelled her gaze at him; suddenly the collar of his uniform was not the only place that felt uncomfortably tight. "Do you not find me attractive, Chakotay?" she asked pointedly. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Chakotay took a deep and--he hoped--unobtrusive breath. "Of course I find you attractive Seven," he began. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| "Good," she said sharply. "I find you attractive as well." | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Chakotay watched, frozen for a moment, as she pulled the spaghetti straps of the negligee from one shoulder, then the next. His arm moved independent of his will as the piece of satin began to slip down her body. He caught it and hitched it up to her throat, covering his first sight of her impressive--and definitely gravity-defying--breasts. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| "You do not want me!" she stated, eyes flashing with anger. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| He smiled. "Believe me, I want no one more at the moment," he assured her as he tried not to think of the increasingly uncomfortable bulge in his pants. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| "Then why?" she demanded, pulling away from him and struggling to get her arms back in the correct holes of the negligee, tears welling up in wide blue eyes. Chakotay groaned inwardly at the sight of those tears. "Is it because I was Borg?" | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| "No, it's not because you were Borg," he said quietly. "If that had been a factor, I would never have started dating you in the first place." | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| So why did you? his little voice whispered. He ignored it. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Forlorn and hurt, she said, "They say that you're in love with her--are you, Chakotay?" | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| His face tightened with anger; he didn't have to ask whom she was referring to. "You shouldn't listen to gossip, Seven," he said, forcing himself not to glare at the wall he shared with the Captain's quarters. "Once and for all, Seven, there is nothing between the Captain and I, and it was not for a lack of trying on my part--problem is that she never tried." He put his hands on her shoulders, drawing her close. He led her over to the couch and sat down next to her. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| "Right now, my only concern is for you," he continued, facing the problem head on. "Let's face it, Seven, this is your first real relationship and that's a special thing--something that shouldn't be rushed. It's also something that won't conform to the latest statistics on human relationships. Making love--having sex--is something that should be done when both partners are ready for the consequences of that act, and frankly, I don't think you're ready yet." | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| He cut off her intended protest with a gentle peck on the lips. "Intellectually you know all about sex--" He grinned. "You probably know the sexual practices of more species than any other human being alive. But that knowledge doesn't prepare you for the emotional consequences of having sex and for my own peace of mind, I need to be sure you know, in here, that you're ready," he said placing her hand over her heart. "And I need to know in my own heart that you are ready. Anything less is to do both of us an injustice and can cause a lot of pain on both sides." | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| "How will we know when we're ready?" she asked softly, head bowed. "When I am ready?" | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Chakotay lifted her chin with one finger. "Just give it time, Seven," he replied smiling. "You'll know. Hey, we haven't even had our first public date yet," he chuckled. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| She nodded. "I should go back to my quarters now," she said rising and folding her arms about her chest. He could see embarrassment creeping across her face. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| "Why don't you stay," he said gently. "Replicate something less um--distracting--on my credits and I'll make us dinner." | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| "Thanks, Chakotay," she replied. "I'd like that." She started towards the replicator, then stopped and turned to face him again. "What about 2100 hours on Sunday?" | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| "Sunday?" he asked quizzically. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| "For our first public date," she clarified. "Mr. Paris is having a party on holodeck one." | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Paris' angry words rose in his mind. "I think Sunday would be just fine," he replied with a smile. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| # | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| "I still say you should have let me at least replicate a cake," Paris groused as he held Kathryn's chair out for her. She settled down next to B'Elanna and leaned over to watch Miral sleeping peacefully in the bassinet on the chair between them. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| "Tom, we went over this," she warned, tearing her attention away from his adorable little daughter. "It's a nice thought, but unnecessary. Besides, there comes a certain moment when it's not prudent to remind your commanding officer of her advancing decrepitude." | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| "Captain!" Harry said in shock. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| She smiled at Harry to take the sting out of her words, but Tom studied her in surprise. He prided himself on being a man with few illusions, but the haggard face he glimpsed behind her amiable mask shocked him. He was used to seeing a vital--if rather driven--woman behind his buttoned-down Captain, never someone so fragile. The loose green silk shirt over the chocolate-coloured slacks flattered her colouring and concealed much of that fragility. But B'Elanna and Sam were right; Chakotay and Seven had a lot to answer for. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| "Then how about at least one dance, Captain," Harry said regaining his composure. She nodded gratefully as the subject dropped. Tom's young friend took her hand as she rose and B'Elanna looked on with approval. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| As they joined the small crowd on the dance floor of Sandrine's, Tom had to admit it was another successful party. The pool table was gone for the moment, but a boisterous group gathered in the corner to watch an impromptu dart tournament, while Billy Telfer seemed to be doing his best--short of handsprings across the floor--to impress both the Delaney sisters. Or perhaps he was trying to impress his old pal, Celes Tal, whom the notorious duo had taken under their wing in the last couple of months. Tom had to admit, studying the short, crimson number Celes wore and the masses of dark curls piled on her head, the young woman certainly cleaned up well once she got past her shyness and natural instinct to fade into the ship's grey bulkheads. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| The song changed to another instrumental of an old, Jazzy stand-by, Mona Lisa. Ayala thanked Samantha Wildman for the dance, and then tapped Harry on the shoulder. The Captain smiled as older man swept her slowly, respectfully across the dance floor. Harry wasted no time asking Tal to dance and apparently she preferred that to Billy's handsprings. Telfer collapsed onto his noggin as Harry gracefully swung the young woman across the floor. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Tom chuckled. "Smooth, Harry, real smooth," he said in admiration as Samantha sat down across from him. His eyes twinkled as he met B'Elanna's questioning gaze. "Well, my work there is done--and to think Ensign Kim use to be tongue tied around women." | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| "I think Lieutenant Kim went way beyond your teaching a while ago," B'Elanna laughed. "Don't worry," she said, patting his hand consolingly. "They say a man can't be considered a truly great teacher unless his student surpasses him." | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| "Oh thanks," Tom drawled as Samantha sputtered a laugh. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Ayala and Janeway danced past the table. The Captain laughed heartily as the lieutenant spoke, tossing her mane of auburn hair as she retorted something back in typical Janeway fashion. Tom smiled, wondering how much allowing her hair to grow long again had to do with Chakotay and a certain blonde Borg babe-- | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| His smile froze in place, and cracked. Speak of the devil--apparently just thinking about devils also did the trick. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Chakotay stood on the threshold; his hand hovered on the small of Seven's back as she scanned the crowd with what could only be described as a triumphant smirk. The light grey dress she wore clung to her curves and her gauzy wrap curled around her like a film of smoke. Seven angled her body proprietarily into Chakotay as she turned to speak to him. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| B'Elanna's hand tightened around Tom's, making her displeasure plain--with pain. He patted it gently with his free hand and rose, plastering a smile on his face and slipping into the role of effusive host as he let her go. He made his way over to greet Chakotay and Seven, whom people were just beginning to notice. He ignored the shocked stares while the crew looked from the new arrivals to their Captain dancing with Ayala, apparently oblivious as another song started. Paris darted a glance at the stiff back of the woman in Ayala's arms and knew better. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Oh boy! Tom barely caught the sigh from escaping and grinned at Chakotay. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| "Thought you weren't going to make it, Old Man," he said heartily, wondering if his voice sounded as false to everyone as it did to him. "Welcome to the resurrection of Sandrine's!" | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| "Like what you've done with the place," Chakotay said sarcastically, brushing past Tom as he led a visibly gloating Seven of Nine to a table on the edge of the dance floor. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| "Chakotay," Tom heard Seven say as she draped her wrap across the back of her chair. Her voice carried above the din. "I think I'd like to dance." | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| # | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Throughout the evening, Chakotay had had to swallow the impulse to shout, "What the hell are you staring at?" as each crewmember's eyes widened at the realisation that he was actually on a date with Seven of Nine. That the woman he was paying attention to was not Kathryn Janeway. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Later, after he had seen Seven back to her quarters, and they had spent the better part of half an hour saying a thoroughly satisfying good-night, he had wandered down to the mess hall--more at loose ends than anything. He didn't see Torres in a darkened corner as he removed the pot from its heating element and poured himself a cup of tea, but B'Elanna's slight shift in posture drew his attention. Miral was sleeping peacefully on her lap and she smiled as he approached her table. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| "Is this seat taken?" he whispered. He still marvelled at how much B'Elanna changed when she was around her baby--how soft and well . . . motherly she became. "So how is the most beautiful young lady on Voyager doing?" he asked, smoothing the already thick honey blonde hair away from the sleeping child's face. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| "Cranky," B'Elanna replied resignedly. "But what else is new, she seems to have inherited Klingon lungs. I had to let Tom get some sleep--his turn tomorrow night, but with his luck she'll probably sleep right through." | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| She studied him for a moment. "So how did it go tonight?" she asked quietly. She and Janeway had left the party early, ostensibly to put Miral to bed. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| "You mean aside from feeling like a circus side-show?" he asked irritably. "God, you'd think that for once, someone would have a different reaction." | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| "People were bound to be surprised," B'Elanna said reasonably. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| "Everyone acted as if I've divorced Kathryn and left her with ten kids!" he fumed clenching his teeth. "It's been over seven years--years with absolutely no encouragement from her! I suppose it's my own fault for waiting so long." | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| "Why are you so angry, Chakotay? It's more than just people's scrutiny--that scrutiny would have been ten times worse if it had been the Captain you'd taken out tonight," Torres searched his face as she shifted the baby on her lap. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| "Perhaps because she never gave us a chance," he replied. "It's like she began saying no and can't stop now because that's the way it's been for so long. Sometimes the scope of her tunnel vision is so narrow that she can't see anything two millimetres outside its boundaries. Well I'm tired of waiting--I truly thought she would begin to get over whatever inhibitions were holding her back if given enough time. I guess I was wrong. The great Captain Kathryn Janeway doesn't need anyone," he finished bitterly. "But the moment someone shows a little interest in me, she gets upset--starts acting like some damned martyr!" | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| "I didn't see any martyrs on the holodeck tonight," Torres said tightly as she held his gaze. "I saw what I think most people saw tonight--and believe me it wasn't pretty!" she spat, temper heating up and Miral whimpered. She lifted the baby to her shoulder, but didn't stop her scathing tirade as he stared at her in wordless surprise at the anger in her voice. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| "I saw a silly, selfish adolescent with an over-developed figure, who thinks she can steam-roll over everyone to get what she wants!" she snarled in a low voice. "I saw a man whom I thought I knew playing a game. I hope to God I'm wrong about it, because if I'm not, then it is one sick, twisted little game and I guess I really didn't know that man at all! And I saw a woman who came out to a little unofficial celebration of her 45th birthday--" | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Chakotay's eyes widened in utter shock; he'd forgotten Kathryn's birthday altogether. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| "Who came out to keep morale up after having all her own hopes shattered just a couple of months ago--because it was the right thing to do for her crew. And what did she get? She got a slap in the face when the one man she cared about so much that she was once willing to risk her ship and her crew to rescue a child he thought was his-- | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| "This man showed up with the one person she considers her daughter--the one person whom time and again she's gone into the depths of Grethor to save, including breaking the Temporal Prime Directive and Kahless knows what other laws! This man and perhaps the only daughter she'll ever have chose that day to flaunt their relationship in her face!" | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Chakotay stared at her, horrified as he saw his motives reflected in the unflattering mirror of B'Elanna's perceptions. If one of his closest friends could see his relationship with Seven this way-- | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| "You can't really believe that B'Elanna!" he shouted in outrage. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Her lips curled in disdain. "Oh no?" she asked bitterly. "Exactly what am I supposed to believe, Chakotay? All I know is what I saw--a terribly hurt woman-- | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| "No! I saw a woman who had every right to be hurt by what happened tonight act with grace and with dignity and with class--things that damned, smug Borg will never have! And now you're angry because she didn't fall apart, fall at your feet and beg you for another chance? Because she didn't want to stick around for you to throw any more shit in her face?" | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| He glared at her as she continued, but her temper seemed to run out of steam. "Look Chakotay, whatever her reasons are for not pursuing a relationship with you, Janeway feels them strongly, and she's only human--they're obviously very important to her. From Day One, getting this crew home has been her number one priority! She made her oath to the crew before any sort of feeling developed between the two of you and she was honest enough not to make any promises to you that she knew she couldn't keep, but we both know that she loves you, cares about you. You've always known that she felt honour-bound to put the Captain's needs ahead of Kathryn's and what the Captain needs is a good First Officer. But in order to have that, all Kathryn could accept from you is friendship. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| "And to say that she doesn't need anyone--well you're wrong, and a statement like that makes me wonder about exactly how much you've actually bothered to get to know your supposed bestfriend in over seven years! A person only has to spend five minutes alone with her to know how much she needs other people in her life." | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| The blaze in her eyes quickly dampened again. "I don't presume to know what goes on in your head, Chakotay, but you'd better figure out pretty quick what you're doing before you do a lot of damage--to yourself and to those two women. If you're using Seven to get back at Janeway, then you're not the man I thought you were." She rose and gathered up the baby's things with her free hand. "And if you're really--truly--getting on with your life, then I'm glad, and all I'll say is good luck with Seven. I wish you all happiness." | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| He helped her shoulder the baby bag and settled the child back into the crook of her arm. "Thanks," he replied, humbled by her words and unexpected insight. "Good night." | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| "Hah! Good night? There's a joke--I'll be lucky if I get four hours before she starts wailing again," she laughed tiredly as she trudged out of the mess hall, leaving him to his disturbing thoughts and demons. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| # | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Kathryn sat curled in her armchair watching the universe streak past as Voyager's warp engines slowly ate the light years separating her from the alpha quadrant. Her fingers curled around her coffee mug, soaking up the warmth. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| To her surprise, she felt a sudden cool dampness on her cheek; she'd thought she'd been all cried out hours earlier. Then again, she'd thought she'd been all cried out months ago. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Who am I fooling? she wondered ruefully, certainly not Tom or B'Elanna, who had contrived to get her out of the holodeck--before she made a fool of herself. As if her crew didn't know what kind of fool she was already. It was inevitable that Chakotay would start to take Seven out in public--she was surprised he'd waited so long--and she had no right to feel hurt that he had. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Did he have to do it on your birthday? her anger prodded her. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| She sighed and tried to ignore her anger--her disappointment. He'd always done something special for her birthday and she hadn't always been appreciative of it. She hadn't always appreciated a lot of things about Chakotay. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Drying her eyes, she rose and crossed the room. After recycling her mug, she went to her bedroom, removed her robe and lay down. She wasn't sleepy, but she'd need all her strength to get through tomorrow. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| "Taking things lying down isn't like you, Kathy," a familiar voice chided from the empty spot behind her. Suddenly there was a warm presence filling that empty space and yet it might have well have been as empty as ever. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| "You don't know what's like me, Q," she replied, refusing to turn and face him. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| "Yes, well I must say I certainly never imagined you and cold fish, Tuvok," he taunted. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| In the back of her mind, she knew he was goading her, but she couldn't help the flare of anger that flooded her as her protective instincts revved into high gear, animating her limbs. She swung her legs out of bed and stood up, glaring at him. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| "Don't even go there, Q," she growled. "Some things are off limits, even to you!" | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| He made a face, but Kathryn's gaze didn't falter. "All right, all right! Sheesh! Every time I think I've got you humans figured out, you go and do something completely opposite from expected." | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Kathryn reached for her robe at the foot of the bed. His hand stopped her. "What happened to doing it for love, Kathy?" he asked quietly. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| "There are some things more important--or rather there are other forms of love that are just as important," she replied, sitting on the edge of her bed again. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| A minute passed in silence, and then another. Finally, "Is that how you justify it to yourself?" | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Her anger returned and she yanked her arm away, picked up the robe and put it on. "I don't need to justify anything--especially not to you, Q!" she said belting the robe tightly and rising. "Now, what do you want?" | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| "Do I need a reason to look in on my favourite redhead on her birthday?" he asked with a charming smile plastered on his face. She trusted it as much as she trusted Paris' charming smiles--and Tom Paris' schemes were apt to be a hell of a lot more benign. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| "Flattery will get you nowhere, Q," she said, but her anger, like her strength, was already ebbing away. "I happen to know that you're married to your favourite redhead. How are Q and my godson?" | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| "Fine. The old ball and chain has taken him to space diving in the rings of Selusili Prime--he makes an adorable Gomtu," Q replied preening like the proud father he was. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| "I'm glad he's having fun." | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| "You don't look like you've been having much fun lately," Q observed. "Let me take you away from here, Kathy--we'll go see the Rigol Lava Falls on Alkur II and watch the sky catch fire!" His eyes lit up and for a moment his enthusiasm was infectious and so very tempting, but only for a moment. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| "If you wanted to do something for me, where were you a couple of months ago?" she asked bitterly. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| "Who do you think kept Braxton's bumbling time cops of your geriatric self's ass?" he shot back. Kathryn wrapped her arms around herself as that realisation hit and sank in. "You've known me long enough, Kathy--there are things that even I can't do no matter how much I might have wanted to. And even with your limited perception of the universe, you know there exists an infinity of choices and an infinity of outcomes." | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| "So there are versions of the timeline where Voyager gets home," she said taking a deep breath as she felt tears threaten. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| "And versions where you and your entire crew gets assimilated," Q said harshly. "And versions where you never go back and your crew dies off one by one--most times horribly! And versions where Kathryn Janeway stays her ass in the alpha quadrant because she left Deep Space Nine one minute--one second . . . one nanosecond too late to be transported by the Caretaker's tetryon beam's displacement wave!" | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Kathryn sat on the edge of the bed and was silent for a long time. Finally, she crawled beneath the covers and clutching them tightly, closed her eyes. "Thank you, Q," she said in a flat hollow voice. "Now, just leave." | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| "Kathryn--" | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| She was so tired, but rest was a long way off. Years away. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| "Q, please," she pleaded. "Nothing here matters to you--nothing that happens here has any effect on you. If your conscience is bothering you, then go play in a universe where it doesn't. Just leave me alone." | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| She didn't turn around, but she knew when he'd finally left, leaving her to emptiness. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| # | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| "What are you doing here Dad?" Q Junior asked angrily as the older Q materialised on Voyager's hull, just outside the Captain's quarters. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| "I thought you were with your mother," Q answered petulantly. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| The immortal boy's eyes flashed anger. "She's right--you know that!" he raged. "You had no right to come here and try to salve your conscience! If there's one thing you taught me--it's that the time streams must run their course! They must be allowed to diverge and recombine at will--isn't that what you said? We are nothing but Shepherds of the Multiverse and that galls you, doesn't it. It galls all the Q, because by our very nature the Shepherds don't matter--only the sheep matter! Aunt Kathy knew it without even trying and that we don't matter scares the hell out of you. What right did you have to come here and torture her like this? Get it through your head, Dad, you'll never understand her; you'll never understand them--not really." | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| "And I suppose you think you do?" Q retorted sarcastically, livid with his son's tone. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Suddenly a jolt of power coursed through him as the boy drew on all the energies of the very fabric of the Multiverse--the infinity of timelines he straddled--and channelled them through the being that was Q. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| "You forget, Father, what you made me to be," the young Q said, the danger in his voice surfing that conduit of energy coursing through his father. "The Shepherd to guide the Shepherds; the Watcher to watch the Watchers. I know them well enough to know that I will never truly know them and I accept that. But what you fail to understand--what all Q fail to understand--is that you don't have to know them to learn from them. In her own way, she too is a shepherd and I fully intend to learn from her!" | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Junior brutally cut the umbilicus of energy and sent his father spiralling back into the Continuum. He looked over his shoulder, looking through the bulkhead into the room where she lay, dry-eyed, staring vacantly at the same wall. He didn't have to dip into her thoughts. His compassion told him that he could have soothed her, taken her pain away, but in the end it wouldn't have mattered. Nothing he could do would matter; only her actions in this place mattered. Anything he did would only be an illusion, since no Q could ever truly share her reality--even those poor Q-souls who'd ostensibly been made mortal. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| "I'm sorry, Aunt Kathy," he whispered and slipped between the quantum cracks of the sidereal universe into the Continuum. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| # Part 6 Previous Back to Stories Back to Main Index |
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