Chapter 8
Faramir sat with his back to the wall and his favorite pipe stuck between his teeth. Both he and Teleziel had sipped some fortifying wine. He felt calmer now that the young Haradrim was no longer clawing at his skin, although he did notice that several times, Teleziel’s hands twitched and he stilled them with effort.
“I always felt different and because of my differences I felt alone. There was no one for me to talk to and I became even lonelier. I learned to hide behind a mask, disguise my feelings and even, sometimes, forced myself to believe things that simply weren’t true for me. For example, I knew that one day I would marry, so I convinced myself that I was happy with the thought of a bride. But I was not. I convinced myself that all young men have fantasies and urges for other young men. But I knew it was a lie. I told myself that I could love Imiro without ever telling him, and that was the biggest lie of all. The lies became more complicated and elaborate. And maybe I believed these lies myself.”
Faramir took his pipe from between his teeth and held the bowl in his hand. Using it like a pointer, he leveled it at Teleziel. “And this need to destroy your body? To scar and mutilate yourself, where does that figure in?”
“I think it helped me to feel less empty. The pain made me know I was alive. It was the only thing I could control. Nothing else in my life made sense, none of it was in my control. I was destined, as my father’s first born of his first wife, to rule after him. I was supposed to be a great warrior and leader and know many things about trade and family lineages.” Teleziel’s confession led him to a moment of self-discovery and he wondered that he’d never before realized why it was that he’d hurt himself. “I have never talked to anyone before about what I feel inside. No one has ever asked me.”
“I’m not just anyone, Teleziel. I’m your enemy in some ways, but in some ways I am also your friend.”
Teleziel shook his head and dragged his fingers over his scars. “Friend is a strange word to use. I am a prisoner here. If I go home, I am a corpse. I failed in my duty to my father and to my tribe. I put myself above the duties and this is what has come of it. Now my duties are no longer clear.”
“We all must face that dilemma. Sometimes the lines between our own needs and the needs of others is not so clear.”
“It was not the duties that I minded. They were a small part of the problem. I felt as though I couldn’t live up to my father’s expectations.”
Faramir understood completely. Sometimes he, too, felt as though he couldn’t live up to what Denethor expected of him. “That is over for you now. They left you for dead, and as far as they know, you died.”
Teleziel shook his head. “It never ends.” His fingers traced over the marks on his stomach. “Even here I am an outcast, different.”
“Teleziel, stop.” Faramir barked as though he was shouting across a battlefield and Teleziel jerked. “I promised you that I would never allow anyone to hurt you the way your own people did. I will keep my promise since you have kept yours.”
“Even though..”
“Even though,” Faramir said quietly. “Teleziel, not everyone believes as your people do.”
Tilting his head, he stared for a long moment into Faramir’s gray eyes. What was it about the captain that encouraged such confidence and trust? “Captain, I have answered all your questions. Now I have one of my own.”
Faramir sucked quietly on his pipe and met Teleziel’s gaze. “It is no secret, Teleziel. Everyone here knows.”
“Even your father?”
“Even my father. I do not think he likes it, but he copes with it as best he can. My brother, Boromir, is more accepting of it than our father, I think.”
“Is he here?”
“No,” said Faramir. His eyes grew distant as he thought of Boromir and the last days they’d spent together before he’d ridden off to find the mythical realm of the elves. Boromir made him promise that, no matter what happened in the days to come, that he’d find someone to love and quit being so alone. Somehow, he didn’t think this was quite what his brother had in mind. Now, of course, he would never be able to share this with Boromir. Whatever had happened to warrior remained a mystery, but Faramir knew he’d come home no more.
“You are close. It must be nice to be close to someone.”
“My loneliness is a different sort. While I have many friends, and have even had wonderful lovers, I have never had a true love. So, in that respect, it hasn’t always been easy. Sometimes, too, my father’s judgment of me has been severe. Boromir has stood up for me many times, and will again, I’m sure. I will not give up. I will not give in to despair.”
Teleziel looked down and said nothing for a moment. “You have choices, captain. All of my choices are gone, now.”
“That isn’t true, Teleziel. Listen to me. We need a scout who speaks the language of the Haradrim. If you work with us I can help you.”
Teleziel laughed, but his dark eyes held only sadness. “And what will you tell your father, the Steward of Gondor? Will you go to him and say ‘Here is Teleziel of the Haradrim, an outcast, who offers his services. We found him lying in his own blood after his troops beat and raped him’?”
Faramir stared at the glowing coals in his pipe. “No, it would not be wise at all. But we still have time, so let us think on the matter further.” He climbed to his feet. “Teleziel, I will have your blankets and pallet brought back in, but you must swear to me that you will not try to hurt yourself again.”
“Then you should leave my pallet and blanket where they are, captain, because that I cannot promise you. I do not control this any more than I can control anything else in my life.”
Faramir stuck his head outside the door. “Return Teleziel’s blankets, but watch over him. If he tries to hurt himself, stop him. Use any means necessary.”
*~*
Faramir paced the length of the main room and back several times while Mablung sat at the scarred wooden table and listened. He could hardly believe what his ears heard. The prisoner would be made a scout? “Captain, I am not sure this is a wise course. The Haradrim,” he couldn’t quite even bring himself to say the boy’s name, “must go to Minas Tirith. Once he is there, they will never let him leave.”
“I know that.” Faramir stopped pacing and placed his hands, palms down, on the tabletop. The idea had come to him while he spoke with Teleziel. He could take the Haradrim to Minas Tirith and present him as a captured slave. The marks on his skin would add credence to the lie. He had greater chances of survival as a slave than a soldier. “He isn’t one of them.”
Mablung pursed his lips together and thought carefully about what he wanted to say next. “He is a handsome one, isn’t he?”
Faramir pushed away from the table with a grunt and continued pacing. “That has nothing to do with it.”
“I disagree, Captain. I think it has everything to do with it. He’s handsome, he’s alone, and he’s been through a terrible ordeal. I believe you have allowed your generous nature overrule common sense.”
Faramir’s eyes turned steely as he rounded on Mablung. “You are stepping close to a line that you shouldn’t cross.”
Mablung did not flinch, even in the face of Faramir’s anger. “Bed him and be done with it, if that’s what you want, Captain. But remember he is the enemy.”
Faramir’s hand reached for his sword, but all he encountered was his belt. Catching himself, he remembered that he’d left the weapon in his quarters when Mablung had called for him. “Mablung I—that’s.” He stopped and collected his thoughts, carefully pulling together the threads of conflicting emotions. Was that what he wanted? “He is handsome. And, if he were not Haradrim, I would consider taking him as a lover. I’m more concerned with what he can give us. He willingly told us the number of troops his father had and he may know more about other groups. He speaks their language and we could use an interpreter.”
“He could also be a decoy sent by the Haradrim to draw us out. Once he has everything he needs, he can slip away again. Is that worth the risk?”
“My heart says that he isn’t.”
“Is that what you will tell your father? That your heart
tells you the boy isn’t a spy? Will you also tell him that it was your
heart that told you to lie?”