The morning DJ jabbered away, his too-happy voice giving Stu a headache, and combined with the noises in the backseat, gave him the urge to make a gun purchase. The sun was a pink strip on the right side of the expressway when a sudden sharp ringing in the backseat disrupted the noises Aunt Sue and Glimmergroin were making. With a sharp grunt and a final snort, she rummaged around in her handbag and produced a cell phone. “Hello?” She said sleepily as one hand adjusted her wig.
Glimmergroin coughed once, farted, and cracked open his good eye. The other was still slightly discolored and swollen from his encounter at the Martin house. “My neck is stiff from sleeping in this cramped position.”
Legless half turned in the front seat. “Maybe if you’d had your head--”
“Good morning, dwarf!” Stu shouted into the backseat, not wanting to know where Glimmergroin’s head had rested all night.
“Evelyn, speak up, I can hardly hear you with all this racket.” Aunt Sue shouted into her mobile. To her nephew, she added. “You need to find us a fillin’ station. My bladder’s about full to burstin’.”
“Where are we?” The dwarf asked, peering out the side windows.
With a glance at the gas gauge, Stu had to agree. The gas hand was showing an unhealthy lack of fuel and they’d need to stop soon and fill up or risk having to call his aunt’s Triple A road service for emergency gas.
“Beloved said it was Virgin-Yah.”
“She the Queen?”
“Not Virgin-Yah. Virginia. Named after some English woman.” Stu responded as he aimed the car towards an exit ramp. "And no, she wasn't a queen and I'm pretty sure she's dead."
“Why I’d be ashamed, if I was you,” Aunt Sue held the phone about six inches away from her ear and shouted into the small microphone at the base of her Razr.
Eveyln‘s disembodied voice wafted from the backseat. “I’m only repeatin’ what I heard, Sue Bellweather, so don’t you pull no high and mighty act on me. Joyce Turner said she heard it from Grace.”
“Well, I don’t know as that’s anyone’s business but mine,” Sue snorted. “I’m not getting any younger, you know. And I got needs, too.”
Stu pinched the bridge of his nose. “Oh, holy shit.”
“I don’t care what you say, beloved. Those planters are cursed. Every time one of them is used, nothing but bad comes of it.”
“I’d have to say I agree, laddie,” Glimmergroin said as he struggled into a sitting position. “They are evil.”
“Sue? Did someone just say your planters was cursed? What in Sam Hill does that mean?”
Aunt Sue stared out the car window for a moment. “I don’t know, Evelyn. They said the same about Joanne’s.”
“Lord have mercy, Sue, your nephew sure has some strange friends.”
“Don’t you go disrespecting my nephew,” Sue growled.
Evelyn hollered back. “I’m speaking the plain truth. I saw pictures. Stu was nekkid and he his boyfriend had his arms around him.”
Stu rolled the car into a gas station parking lot. “Oh, God. Just shoot me.”
“Legless is a perfectly nice young man.” Aunt Sue affirmed.
“From what I saw, he needs to do his roots.”
“I’m a natural blond!” Legless turned completely around and crawled over the seat and yelled into the Razr. “I can’t understand why every one thinks I should have my roots watered.”
On the phone, Evelyn harrumphed. “I don’t care what you say, I ain’t never seen no blond with dark roots that was natural.”
Glimmergroin shook his head as he opened the car door. “Get used to it, laddie.” He turned and waved to a truck driver, who was idling in the parking lot. The big eighteen-wheeler’s engine revved and the truck jumped the curb, nearly jackknifing as the driver laid half a mile of rubber.
Stu scrubbed his face and was about to get out of the car when he heard his aunt scream. Glancing around, he saw that Legless had both hands wrapped around the cell phone and was gnawing on the top end. Aunt Sue still maintained her grip, and with feet planted against the back of the seat, was trying hard to get her phone back.
“Whatdafuck?” Stu grabbed Legless around the middle and hauled him from the car. He nearly lost his footing and went down on the hard pavement. He twirled around in a circle until he managed to get his balance. His bowed legs bent as he struggled to hold the elf’s weight. “Sit. Heel.”
Legless’ arms and legs waved in the air and he continued to proclaim himself a natural blond.
At the neighboring gas pump, a man dressed in camouflage stared, his jaw open. There were several campaign ribbons on his chest and an Airborne insignia on his shoulder.
“Howdy do,” Stu huffed as he danced around the Lincoln, still holding Legless by the waist. “Nice morning. Always glad to meet a fellow Veteran."
The soldier’s eyes were huge in his pale face as he nodded and absently poured a quart of oil into his gas tank.
“Maybe you should think about getting him neutered,” Aunt Sue shouted as she clambered from the car. “He’s always chewin’ stuff up. Next thing you know, he’ll be markin’ his territory.”
Glimmergroin scratched his chest. “Think he already has done. Is this another one of those places I can’t take my axe, laddie?”
“No axe. No knives. And you," he bounced Legless for emphasis. “Stay away from the hot dogs.”
“And the Swiss Cake Rolls,” muttered Aunt Sue as she hot-footed it toward the store's restroom.
The soldier watched them troop into the convenience store. Once they were inside, he was able to return his attention to his vehicle. He saw the yellow Penzoil bottle sticking out of his gas tank and slapped his hand to his forehead. "Fuck me!