Stu stood with his feet braced against the bathtub sides and his hands planted against the beige tiles while hot water streamed over his head and down his back. His head felt like Eye-o-More’s Horse Lords were galloping through it. Between the alcohol, the odd dream--why was Legless a head of lettuce and his mother a spider?--, and Brenda’s even stranger phone call, Stu was struggling to make sense of it all.
He could hear nothing over the pounding of his head and the water, so when the shower curtain was yanked aside and another warm body joined him in the bathtub, Stu did what he always did in such situations.
Leaping straight up in the air, he slowly rotated as if suspended in Jell-O, while his feet drew in close to his body, ready to strike out in two directions simultaneously. At the last second, he recognized Legless and touched down heavily while snatching the shower curtain and hugging it close to his groin. The molded plastic tub shook with the force of his landing.
“Whadafuckdoyathinkyerdoinyacrazyfuckin’elf?” The bottom of the shower curtain was wound around Stu’s lower body.
Legless’ eyes were wide and his face pale. The smooth skin was covered in colored, oily smudges. He breathed heavily, as if he’d been chasing orcs across the width and breadth of More Door. His new clothes, chocolate brown corduroy pants, gold satin blouse, and light beige micro-suede vest , were soaked in the front from the shower spray and there was a small tear in the shirt sleeve. “Beloved, there are evil creatures in the house. I came to warn you.”
“Creatures?” Stu realized that one of Legless’ leg warmers was gone missing and the other nearly pulled off. “What kind of creatures? We ain’t got orcs in these parts.”
“No, beloved, they are human enough.” He shivered as hot water splattered his face. “But there is something wrong with them. I believe they are possessed.” Legless leaned forward on the last word and hissed. “Some evil touches them.”
Stu licked his lips and tried to think. Maybe they were some extra-pesky children selling candy or perhaps one of the many religious groups who came calling at doors, offering pamphlets and Bibles. He reached around behind him and turned off the water. The sound of voices reached his ears. “What was that?”
The elf cast a glance toward the door. “I think the lock will hold. Glimmergroin was getting his axe. I have my knives, of course.” He pulled them out of the sheath at his back for emphasis.
His headache forgotten, Stu nearly fell out of the tub in his haste to see what the problem was. The idea of the axe-wielding dwarf loose in his parent’s house lent strength to his urgency. The force of his momentum pulled the shower rod loose from the wall and it clattered as it fell, clonking the elf on the head. Stu flung open the door and staggered forward, getting the curtain and rod caught between the toilet and the tub.
That, however, wasn’t what stopped him dead in his tracks. He came to an abrupt halt on the thick burgundy carpet when he was confronted with a dozen females, ranging in age from twelve to eighty, all with cameras, digital camera phones, and palm-sized video recorders. In the middle stood Glimmergroin, who cursed and spat as some of the women fondled his beard and patted his head. Stu realized that the colored smudges on Legless’ face was lipstick.
“Oh, look, he’s just cute!” One smiled and held her phone so she could take a picture of Glimmergroin.
The one who took a picture of the bouncing dwarf was nudged by a neighbor. “I bet all that hair tickles.” Both women giggled and snickered.
“Where’d the tall one go?” This from one who looked as though she might give birth right there in the hallway. Her shirt bore the legend “I deliver“ and had a glittering arrow pointed at her bulging belly. “I wanted to get another picture of him and me together.”
“He’s dreamy,” said the twelve year old.
“Sex on legs,” another agreed, her false teeth clacking loosely.
Glimmergroin’s axe waved in the air and Stu nearly screamed until he realized that was why the dwarf was jumping up and down. One of the women had his axe. “Is this thing real? Why, stars and garters, Aunt Sue, you wasn’t lyin’ when you said this fella had a big axe,“ she shouted over her shoulder.
William stood, one foot resting on the top stair, and clutched the railing with one hand. With the other, he rubbed the bridge of his nose. “I don’t think that’s the axe she meant.”
Someone standing next to her nodded eagerly. “Don’t you just love his little Mohawk? And those eyes! Why no wonder Stu’s been keeping him a secret.”
“I could just drown in those eyes!” An elderly woman batted her eyes furiously.
Someone else made kissy noise.
From the bottom of the stairs, Aunt Sue’s voice floated. “Which one of them hussy‘s is fondling my man‘s axe?”
Joanne’s slightly hysterical voice drifted up the stairs. “I put on fresh coffee. Who’s ready for some?”
“Gimme my fucking axe back, woman!” The dwarf shouted and jumped again, this time slamming his head against a rather large bosom. Someone squealed and there was a soft thump of padded rump hitting the carpeted floor.
Aunt Sue‘s voice grew louder. “If I have to come up them steps, heads is goin’ t’roll!”
“Do you think it’s true, you know about that tall fella and Stu?” A long, bejeweled hand waggled, palm down, from side to side.
“My Davy said that bein’ married to Brenda Jo would make him,” the sentence was completed by a knowing nod and a similar hand move.
William saw his son over the tops of the women’s heads and shook his own. “Close the door,” he mouthed.
“Well, whatever,” spoke another, “I wouldn’t mind getting me a piece of it. He’s hot.”
Another in the crowd made a sizzling noise by way of agreement.
“See, beloved?” Even though he whispered, the women’s extraordinary hearing picked up on the deep, melodic voice.
They turned as a body and one of them shouted. “Leggy!”
Stu blinked as lights flashed and he tried to take a step back, but stopped short when he bumped into Legless. His head reeled from the squealing and flashing lights.
“You all smile, now!” Another light flashed and Legless growled. Stu blinked. The voice continued. “I can hardly wait to get these posted on the family web page.”
“Why don’t you ladies let Stu finish up--whatever the hell it is that he’s doin,” William pleaded as the women moved in the hall like a pack of wolves moving in for the kill. “I’m sure he’ll be down in a minute.” His request was ignored.
Stu found himself being pushed inexorably back by his female relatives. They chattered and gibbered and took endless pictures of him, naked and dripping, and his ‘friend’. He backed into the bathroom, his eyes glazing and his ears ringing. Legless hissed like a scalded cat and the knives waved beside Stu’s shoulders.
“Damn crazy elf, put those fuckin’ things away,” Stu snapped. “Hey, ladies. Good to see you aga--’
His sentence was cut off as the women flowed right up to the door and those in the rear pushed those in the front closer, like over-eager fans at a rock concert. Or passengers on the Titanic. Legless’ lips pulled away from his teeth, but trapped between his beloved’s body and the bathroom sink, he had little room to maneuver. The women babbled as one, their voices blending until Stu couldn’t tell one from the other. He recognized his cousins, Shirley and Dawn. He wasn’t certain, but he thought the twelve year old trying to duck between is bowed legs was his mother’s sisters's granddaughter, Tiffany. He pressed his thighs together and the little girl squeaked. Hands reached out, moving past him to Legless. Stu thought they belonged to his grandmother, but he couldn’t swear to it. The elf growled. At that point, Stu did what any man with an ounce of self-preservation in his veins would do.
He panicked.
He dropped the shower curtain guarding his modesty and grabbed the door with both hands and began closing it, using all his strength to shove the door between himself, his female relatives and the elf. He saw his father wading in to the crowd, but lost sight of him thereafter. He could hear Glimmergroin and Aunt Sue, both demanding that someone take their paws off his axe. When the portal was secure, he twisted the lock and leaned against the wood.
“I told you they are possessed,” Legless said as he examined a new tear in his shirt.
“They ain’t possessed. They’re over-sexed.” Stu panted. He held one ear against the door and listened as the gaggle of protesting voices raised in pitch and sounds of violence increased. Several loud thumps jarred the closed bathroom door.
A fine eyebrow arched. “How can one have too much sex?”
Stu opened his mouth and closed it again. He would rather explain talking cartoon dogs and Martians.