Stu dreamed he was covered in spider webs and could not breathe. He awoke with a start and blinked. Dwarves were hammering away inside his head and his vision was clouded by a wealth of fine, silk strands of something that smelled faintly of strawberries. He could hear bells pealing. He blew the fine strands away from his mouth and realized it was Legless' hair. The dwarves in his head were a result of the wine he'd drank with Denture. So, where the hell were the bells coming from?
"What's that racket?" He asked, ignoring the fact that both he and Legless were naked beneath the sheets.
"Bells." Mumbled the elf as he rolled over and pressed his naked butt against Stu's flank.
There were some things he just couldn't get used to. Stu stumbled from the bed.
Legless peeled open one pale blue eye and watched his beloved stagger about. "On the chair."
"Thanks." Stu grabbed his shirt off the chair.
"Oh," Legless shifted and rooted around beneath the covers. "Here." He held up a pair of boxer shorts so favored by his beloved and hand made for him by the she-elves of Mirkwood. This pair were made of silk and had been "tie dyed" in various shades of red and yellow and purple, much to the amusement of the other elves. Of course, they only pretended amusement, and as soon as Stu's back was turned, half the male elves in Mirkwood sported various colored boxers under their leggings and robes. Rumor had it that even Thranduil owned several pair.
"Look under the bed." He snuggled back beneath the blankets.
Stu bent down and peered under the bed. Sure enough, there were his breeches.
"Aren't you at least curious?" Stu finally managed to lace his leggings and stared around him one more time, trying to remember what he was forgetting. He could barely think between the ringing bells and the pounding in his head.
Legless pulled the pillows over his head and mumbled something.
Pulling on his boots, Stu shot him a strange glance. "What?"
"I said," Legless replied from beneath the pillow, "they are probably ringing for Dent-Dena-the dead old man."
Stu froze with one boot half pulled on. "Lord Denture died? What happened? How?" In the few hours he'd spent with the old man, Stu had become rather fond of him.
"You pushed him into a fountain and he drowned." Legless lifted his head and the pillow fell over on to his shoulders. "Or they could be ringing for the coronation."
"Oh, God."
*~*
"Good morning, Steward. How do you feel?" Aragorn was dressed in ceremonial clothing and his hair was freshly washed.
"Other than the Dwarves rebuilding Maria in my skull? I'm great." He scratched at the stubble on his chin. "I'm really sorry about your steward."
Argyle shrugged. "Hey, I got the tower and the Palantir back."
"Do you always ring bells for the dead?"
"What? Who told you they were ringing for Denture? Those are the coronation bells."
"How long they gonna keep ringing like that?" The sound seeped through the soles of Stu's boots and shimmied up his spine to the top of his head.
"Most likely the rest of the day," Argyle rubbed his temple. "Or until I run the bell ringers through with my sword. The coronation ceremony is in an hour and after that, the celebration feast. El Ron and his people arrived this morning."
Stu grimaced. "Did the twins, Elly and Elroy come?"
"Yes, and Lord El Ron checked them for spiders already." Argyle grinned. "They promised to behave."
"My liege? Grandlaff asked that I seek you out. We are getting ready to ride outside the gates. We need to get everyone assembled." Fairy-Man strolled into the vaulted chamber dressed in rich state robes.
"Of course. Stu? As soon as you and Legless are ready, come meet us in the main hall. You and Frito will be placing the crown upon my head."
Stu arched an eyebrow but said nothing. He was finally growing accustomed to the strange rituals. "Fairy-Man? About your father."
"Do not trouble yourself over it, Steward. He is happier now, I should think."
"Well, yeah, no one's trying to get his planter."
*~*
Arween listened to the tolling bells and each peal was like thrust in her heart. She could not believe she was stuck in the Shire while Hal-drear became Queen of Gonads. She draped a black veil over her head and studied her reflection in the mirror. Her pale face, surrounded by black lace and gauzy black silk, became even more wan.
"You look like a corpse," Frito said as he came into the room holding Boomer. "Don't you have any bright colors? I know you had dresses made in the Shire that would be more festive."
Without a sound, Arween rose from her seat at the dressing table and went to the small closet containing her wardrobe. She drew off the black veil and black satin dress and tossed it on the bed. Then she took down a different dress, one made of a yellow cotton bodice and red skirt with blue frogging along the sleeves. She drew it over her head and adjusted the low front.
Frito beamed. "You are a vision."
Arween rolled her eyes as she stared at the skirt hem that was about three inches too short. "A vision of what?"
*~*
Those who had worked so hard to destroy the Ring and defeat Saw Ron gathered in the main hall. They were dressed in their finest clothes for the coronation. Everyone avoided eye contact with Arween, save Hal-drear, who grinned from ear to ear, as he stared at his distant relation and frequent rival.
There was much talking and laughing among the gathering. Even El Ron seemed in unusually high spirits as he conversed with his son-in-law. "Mr. Baaackinnsss, you have taken excellent care of my daughter," he intoned as he studied his daughter
At last, Grandlaff clapped his hands. "We are almost ready to begin," he announced. "If everyone could take their places in line, we'll leave the city in single file."
Legless paused in his grooming of his beloved and watched as Arween and Aye-O-Win each rushed to stand beside Stu. He brushed once more at the imaginary lint on Stu's backside; mildly accepting Stu's stinging slap to his knuckles before moving to stand at Stu's right. The women collided with each other and Stu, who stumbled into Legless.
"Excuse me, Mistress Backins," hissed Aye-O-Win as she struggled to grasp Stu's hand.
"Don't mind me," spoke Frito as he came up to take his place beside the other Ring Bearer.
Stu's eyes widened in surprise as someone copped a feel. "Hey, now!" He wasn't certain, but he thought the hand felt suspiciously Half-ling like.
"I was at the last battle against Saw Ron," hissed Aye-O-Win as she elbowed Arween out of the way. The elf stepped on Frito who yelped and dove for cover between Stu's slightly bowed legs.
Legless growled low in his throat and went for a bow that wasn't there.
Arween pushed back and Aye-O-Win again stumbled into Stu who tripped over Glimmergroin. The dwarf planted his axe on Grandlaff's foot as he tried to steady himself. The wizard spat out a curse and Eyeore-more's long plumed helm began to smoke.
"I saw him first," Arween said as she grabbed Stu's arm.
"Oh, fuck me," said Stu as he caught a glimpse of Legless' face.
"I believe that's the general idea, Stu," said Pip from safely behind Fairy-man, who stood holding the winged crown on its velvet bed.
Aye O Win grasped a hank of Arween's hair and yanked hard. "Bitch."
As the two women staggered, Legless gave up looking for a weapon and launched himself through the air. The trio collapsed in a hissing, snarling, biting heap. Throwing up his hands, Stu waded in and tried to grab his prince before he did real harm. He had just gotten Legless to his feet when Eyeore-More realized that his head was on fire.
"Arrrggg," he screamed as he ripped his helm off his head and flung it away from him. The helm sailed across the room, trailing smoke and fire from the plume, and pinged Erector on the side of the head. The Chief Advisor went down in an unconscious heap.
Meanwhile, Arween doubled her sizeable fist and swung it at Aye-O-Win, who ducked. Stu paid dearly for being distracted by the flaming helm when the fist, intended for Aye-O-Win connected with his jaw. His head snapped back and stars burst before his eyes. Legless, seeing his beloved so abused, immediately laid hands on Arween and together, they fell into the large cake being set on the trestle table by servants.
Arween sat up, spitting out frosting while Legless rolled around in the cake, digging up handfuls of the sweet desert and flinging it at her. Aye-O-Win, not to be denied, waded in and grabbed the punch bowl, the contents of which she proceeded to pour all over Arween. Stu, still stunned by the fist to his jaw staggered and, slipping on icing, clutched Frito to regain his balance. Both of them went down in an undignified tumble of arms and legs on the end of the trestle table. El Ron rushed over to help his chief advisor just as Elly yelled "spider", causing Stu to push away from both Frito and the table with a screech. Hal-drear hid his formidable bulk behind Glorfinkel who stood agape at the singular mess that had been created of the second greatest event of the Second Age. Pip and Mary, seeing all the delicious food being hurled about, rushed in to save it.
Argyle reached over to Fairy-man and yelled. "Give me that." So saying, he tore the crown from its velvet bed and sat it squarely on his head. "I'm king of Gonads!
A flying piece of coronation cake hit him on the nose and slowly slid down his chin.
Dropping Erector, El Ron threw up his hands. "That's it! I'm going home to Valinor and no body had better try to stop me."
"Wait for me," Erector scrambled to his feet and, slipping and sliding on cake and punch, rushed after the half elf.
Glrofinkel, seeing his lord escape the mayhem, shoved away from Hal-drear. "You are own your own, girlfriend," he said and fled from the room.
*~*
"Ai!" The shrill scream echoed around the cavern causing Glimmergroin to wince.
"Here now," he said as he rose up in the water. "You've no one to blame but yourself, Master Elf. After all, you are the one whose hair has clogged up the pipes."
The hot springs, located deep in the Glittering Caves, over flowed their rocky banks when Legless' hair had somehow stopped up the water's one outlet. Now the cavern floor was three inches deep in warm water.
Stu, iron shears in one hand and a bone handled knife in the other, glanced over at the naked dwarf and shuddered. He really wished the dwarf would put on a towel. "Besides, we wouldn't be here now, hiding from Argyle, if you hadn't shoved Arween into the coronation cake." He carefully snipped the long blond hair.
Legless pouted as he rubbed a trembling hand over his exposed scalp. Stu gave him what he called a Mohawk, which to Legless' dainty ears, sounded suspiciously like Dwarven for hideous. The golden tresses had been shaved around either ear and only an inch wide tuft was left trailing from his forehead down to his nape. "She was trying to—"
"I know, I know," Stu patted Legless' shoulder. No matter how hard he tried, he could never make Legless understand that he wasn't interested in Arween or Aye-O-Win. Nor could he make the elf understand that he respected their bonding too much to stray. Well, he also respected Legless' wicked bone handled knives, too, but that was beside the point.
"Halloooo!" The voice echoed around the cave and all three jumped.
Legless immediately took his knives from Stu and leapt from the water. Glimmergroin followed and Stu screwed his eyes shut as he caught a glimpse of Dwarven prowess. He realized things could have been a lot worse. He could be shaving Glimmergroin's body instead of Legless' head.
A lone walker came striding into the cave, squishing water with every step. "What happened—to—" he got no farther as he stared in open wonder at Legless' new do. "Nice look, Legless. Do you think you could give me one of those?"
"No," answered Stu as he peeled open one eye and glared at Pip. There was no way in nine hells he was giving the King's Half-Ling a Mohawk.
"Ah, well. In any case, I'm glad I found you. King Argyle has had me hunting far and wide for you. If I hadn't run across some of Eyore-More's men, I'd still be out looking."
Stu sighed and heaved himself from the warm water. "Is he ready to forgive us?"
"I'd imagine so," the Half-Ling grinned. "He sent me to tell you that Hal-drear gave birth to a daughter."
"Oh, man, that's wonderful!" Stu beamed. He truly loved children, especially babies. "What's her name?"
"Well, Steward, he told me to tell you that he has named her in your honor, since you were more or less responsible for bringing he and Hal-drear together in the first place."
Legless threw his arms around Stu and kissed his stubbly cheek.
Pip continued. "Prince Legless informed King Argyle what you were called in Wrangled Gorge. So, they have decided to call their daughter Arachnophobia."
Stu rubbed his eyes with one hand and tried to hold back his laughter. Finally, he gave up and draped his arms over Legless' shoulders and laughed until his face and sides hurt. Wiping his eyes at last, he caught his breath. Looking around at his perplexed friends, he tried to keep a straight face while he explained. "Arachnophobia is a fancy word that means you are afraid of spiders."
"Oh, God."
Go to the next installment: The Return of the Steward