"Who is he?"
"Wait, Cel-No. Don't throw—" Elrond ducked as a vase went flying past his head. "That," he concluded as the two centuries old vase crashed against the plaster walls. "Celebrian, if you would just calm yourself."
Reaching up, Celebrian yanked a sword off the wall. "Calm myself?"
"Darling," Elrond said in his most soothing voice as he stepped back from his weapon -wielding wife.
"Darling?" She shrilly echoed. "Don't you dare 'darling' me, you philandering—" she swung the blade with all her strength and just avoided removing her husband's arm at the elbow and succeeded, instead, in imbedding the sword in a chair back. She pulled and tugged, but the sword was stuck fast.
"You are overwrought." Elrond eyed the sword quivering in the back of the chair with grave trepidation. This was simply not good for his nerves. "You have overreacted."
"I have overreacted?"
"And you sound like a parrot," he added in an undertone.
As if to prove his point, she responded. "Parrot? You tell me that I am overwrought, that I am overreacting and that I sound like a parrot? How dare you!"
Elrond pinched the bridge of his nose. His stomach insisted on curling in upon itself and his knees were shaky. "Celebrian, I married you so that there would be heirs for Imladris. If you'd done your duty—"
"My duty? I have suffered your lack-luster love-making nigh on a century."
"See here, now, Celebrian, there is no reason to get personal." Elrond sniffed. "You make it sound like I did this on purpose. I'm telling you, it was an accident."
"Accident?" Celebrian's was a mixture of laughter and tears. "Mother said I shouldn't marry you. I wish I had listened to her."
"So do I."
Celebrian wailed loudly. "I'm going home to Mother! And don't you dare come after me." She fled the room in a flurry of white silk and slamming doors.
"I wouldn't dream of it." Elrond sank wearily to the edge of the bed.
"You did not handle that as well as you could have, my lord," chided Erestor as he ghosted into the room from the balcony where he'd been hiding.
Elrond glared at his lover with enough venom that the advisor paused. "I handled it with as much diplomacy as possible. She was distraught and unreasonable." His lower lip trembled and his gray eyes filled with tears. "I would have thought to get more sympathy from you."
"Now, now," soothed Erestor as he scooped Elrond in to his embrace. "I did not mean it like that. You are overly tired. Perhaps a nap?"
Elrond allowed Erestor to tuck him in to the bed. "Tell the council we will meet tomorrow. I just can't face them all today."
"Of course," Erestor smoothed back the dark hair from the sweaty brow. "Rest now, dear."
~*~
Erestor hurried in to Elrond's office. "Lady Galadriel is in the courtyard. She has your lady wife with her." He announced.
Elrond groaned. For six blessed months his wife had been in Lorien with her parents. He'd not heard a word, and for that he'd been grateful. In fact, after the first month of her departure, he'd ceased worrying about reprisals and concentrated on the business at hand. Namely, the running of Imladris. "I always knew this couldn't last," he said as her pushed himself up from his chair. His desk easily concealed his bulk, and save for a certain plumpness to his face and occasional swelling of his fingers, his condition was nearly unnoticeable as long as he remained seated. However, once he stood up, he resembled a ship under full sail. His plum and gray robes flowed over and around his massive belly and he had a decided duck-like waddle to his gait. Therefore, to keep his condition as secret as possible, Elrond held all his meetings while seated behind his desk. He took his meals alone, with only Erestor or Glorfindel in attendance and was rarely seen. They let it be thought that he was pining for his beloved Celebrian.
Just as he eased his mass around his desk, the door to his office opened and Lady Galadriel stood staring at him in wonder. "Well, well, well. The little mother."
"How good to see you, Lady Galadriel. You, too, Celebrian." Elrond propped his forearms upon the top of his stomach and glared at the two women.
Galadriel slid forward and gently patted Elrond's stomach. "When Celebrian gave me the news, I could hardly credit it. Who's the lucky father?"
Erestor's face flushed with pride and he grinned broadly.
"I should have known," mused Galadriel. "There always was something wrong about you. Well, I am here now and I shall remain until the birth. I know you will need my help."
Elrond and Erestor exchanged frightened looks. "I am sure my healers can handle this just fine." Said Elrond a little too quickly.
"How many pregnant males have they attended?" She asked with an arched brow.
"Mother," Celebrian whined. "You cannot be serious." Celebrian had gone home seeking shelter and sanctuary and a little compassion from her parents. What she'd gotten was a long lecture about duty, mostly her duty and how inadequately she'd performed it. Oh, Galadriel had been upset, certainly, but not nearly upset enough. After six months of moping about Lorien, Galadriel and Celeborn decided it was time for their daughter to return to Imladris. To ensure her safety—or so Celeborn claimed—Galadriel was to go with her. Celebrian had hoped it was to chastise her husband. Now, it seemed, that was the furthest from the truth.
"The future heir of Imladris cannot be compromised, dear." Galadriel patted her daughter on the arm. "As for you…" She eyed her daughter speculatively. With a sudden movement, she grabbed a pillow from the settee and with fluid grace and disrespect for her daughter's dignity, hiked up Celebrian's massive gown and shoved the pillow in to place. She eyed her daughter speculatively. "Hmm….Not quite. Erestor, fetch another pillow."
Erestor stood still, his eyes wide with astonishment while Elrond took a step back towards his desk. Celebrian wailed loudly. "Mother!"
"Now don't 'mother' me, Celebrian. This is necessary. Do you want everyone in Imladris to know that you are not the true parent of the heir?"
"I don't care who knows. He's-Elrond and Erestor…eww," Celebrian tried to shove the pillow out from beneath her gown and her mother smacked her hands.
"I will not have you ruining the reputation of Lorien, Celebrian. Now quit your whining. Erestor! Pillow! Now!"
Erestor jumped and rushed to do Lady Galadriel's bidding. He yanked a heavily embroidered pillow off a nearby chair and all but tossed it to Galadriel in his haste. "Here."
"Lady Galadriel," began Elrond. "What is it that you are trying to propose?"
"As far as Middle Earth will ever know, Celebrian is the mother of your child." She eyed Erestor critically. "And no one is to know about Erestor. In fact, he must be sent away."
"Not even." Erestor bared his teeth menacingly.
Elrond cut off his lover before he said something untoward. "Erestor is my chief advisor and it would seem suspicious if I were to suddenly send him away. Besides, I want him here."
Galadriel rolled her blue eyes at the pair and then patted her daughter's tummy. "You shall go into confinement for the duration of Celebrian's difficult pregnancy."
"I'm giving birth to feather pillows," lamented Celebrian. "How difficult can that be?"
"Shut up, Celebrian." Galadriel said.
Elrond shook his head. "I cannot stop doing my duty to Imladris. There are things that must be taken care of."
"Erestor will perform public functions. You will be able to run the Last Homely House without being seen save from a distance." Her icy stare bore into Elrond, silently challenging him to argue with the might and power of Lorien; chiefly her and her powers.
"The solution is workable," hedged Erestor. He hated to admit it, but Galadriel's plan had merit. He and Elrond spent many a night choosing names for their child and planning on how best to reveal the birth of the heir. One simply did not announce that the Lord of Imladris, the Standard Bearer to King Gil-Galad was with child and name the Chief Advisor as the father. Not even the slightly more liberal elves of Imladris would take the news with grace.
Elrond rubbed his back where it ached. The added weight put more stress on his lower body than his slender hips could handle. "Maybe you are right."
"No maybes about it, Elrond. This is the best solution. And I'm not taking no for an answer." Galadriel seated herself on the settee and crossed one long leg over the other.
"Well, that's settled," muttered Elrond with a baleful look at his wife. He grimaced distastefully as Celebrian's tongue poked rudely from her perfect lips. "Indeed." He sniffed.
*~*
Celebrian stood on the balcony overlooking the main gardens and stared at the gathered crowds of residents and guests assembled for the occasion. She was dressed in a light cream-colored gown and her hair was elaborately braided. In each arm she held a bundled, squirming handful of three day old elfling. Behind her stood Elrond, beaming proudly, if tiredly, at the crowd assembled below. The twins had been a bit of a surprise, lending complications to an already complicated situation, but they'd managed.
Upon the birth of Elrohir, the second twin, Galadriel had turned abruptly and clapped Erestor soundly on the groin, eliciting a surprised grunt from the advisor. "Who would have thought you had it in you, Erestor?"
Erestor had merely glared at his lover's mother-in-law. The glare, three days later, still graced his features as Galadriel stood on the other side of her daughter, beaming like a proud grandmother. Celeborn stood behind Elrond with a firm hand clamped to the noble's shoulder and his grin equaled his wife's.
"They're heavy," hissed Celebrian through clenched teeth. "Why do I have to stand here holding them? Can't Elrond hold them now?"
Galadriel's foot came down on her daughter's toes. "Shut up and smile, fool. This is your one shining moment."
*~*
"You—you philandering…"
"Now see here, Celebrian. No..Wait. No, Cel, don't throw—" Elrond ducked as a pitcher of water sailed past his head and out of the open window. Below he heard a surprised yelp and the sound of shattering glass. "That," he concluded lamely.
"How could you do this to me?" Celebrian wailed loudly.
"You make it so that I did this on purpose," Elrond swallowed and stared in dismay as a dagger appeared in his wife's hand. "What do you intend to do with that?"
Smiling, Celebrian turned to the only other occupant in the room and purposefully advanced.
Erestor hastily put a chair between him and the knife-wielding she-elf. "We should be reasonable adults about this. I'm sure if we put our heads together, we can come up with a solution."
"I have a solution," Celebrian waved her dagger towards Erestor's groin.
"That is not a solution," Elrond spoke hastily, certain what she meant by her actions. "Nor will your actions solve the current dilemma."
"You are right, of course." Celebrian momentarily lowered the knife and Erestor, sensing victory, stepped out from behind the chair. Unfortunately, he moved too soon for Celebrian whirled on him with her knife upraised. He yelped and dove for cover, overturning an occasional table in the process.
"Maybe this time it will be a girl." Elrond grabbed his wife's hand and tried to soothe her. "You know, a beautiful little girl whose hair you can braid and you can dress up in pretty gowns and robes."
Celebrian stared at Elrond as if he were some new species of spider crawling over her shoe. Then her face puckered and she let out a loud wail. "I'm going home to Mother." With those words she threw down her knife and stormed from the room.
"Aren't you going to try to stop her?" Erestor asked as he picked himself up off the floor and dusted away bits of pottery and wood.
Elrond moved to his lover's side. "Are you kidding? "
"Well, on second thought, I see your point." Erestor pulled at his robes and, for a moment, his protruding waist was clearly visible.
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