Gene walked slowly around the base of the tree, recalling every detail of that terrible day so long ago. He’d fought long and hard with his inner demons, lost a part of himself when Finny died, and only now began to understand the real truth of his actions. What he’d argued was an act of unconscious will and tricked himself into believing was jealousy was, in fact more. Much more and then, somehow, less.
He’d envied--even been jealous of--Finny’s innocence and carefree disregard for danger. No matter what, Gene felt that he never quite measured up and remained invisible to Finny. The moments spent away from Finny had been torture and those spent with him even more so. Finny considered themselves the best of friends and never realized that Gene had wanted more. But how could have done when Gene himself had not known?The true innocent one had been himself, save he did not know it. In his unconscious quest to make Finny see him as he desired to be seen, he’d destroyed his own innocence. After Finny’s death, he’d come face to face with his demons and his naivety. For many years he’d wrestled with both and defeated them, nearly destroying himself in the process. He dug deeply, opening scars and picking at open wounds until he was certain he understood the truth at last and knew exactly what he’d lost. He’d killed his friend. He’d murdered an innocent and pure friendship because he had no knowledge of what he was or how to master the unfamiliar feelings stirring in his heart.