Jealousy

“Jealousy is a terrible thing, it prompts unreasoning fears and is the catalyst for many irrational actions. I believe now that jealousy was the wedge between Hephaistion and myself. Not jealousy over Alexander, for what had he to be jealous of? In those days he had the great king’s heart while I only had his bed. My jealousy, as I had yet to discover, could lead me down treacherous paths that turned my own blood cold. Only years later would I hold any other place in Alexander’s life and come to understand Hephaistion half as well.

“Once, when Alexander had been drinking too deeply, a rare occurrence in those early years, Hephaistion and I put him in his bed. I hesitated to know where to sleep. In the past, I had always slipped quietly away to my own tent when Hephaistion spent the night with my lord. But this night was different for Alexander was deep in sleep even before his sandals touched the ground. Still, I turned to leave.

Hephaistion stopped me, then, with a hand on my arm. I spun on him, with far more vehemence than necessary. I could see his face in the lamp light. It was filled with emotions that were usually deeply buried. They did not frighten me because I knew he would not offer harm to me, Alexander’s boy. I ignored the pleading in his eyes and pulled my arm away. For that slight, I was never forgiven.