Vampires
do it in the Dark
Characters: Jenny
Cassi
J-Cassi, Look out for that truck!
C-I’m sorry I’m not used to driving on the left side of the road.
What about you? You’re supposed to be navigating. Where on earth are we?
J-Hey, have I ever gotten us lost before?
C-Yes.
Silent pause
J-OK, Here’s the map. What country are we in again?
C-Oh, Jenny, not again!
J-I’m sorry, I just forgot for a
second. OK, we should be right here
next to Istanbul. Wait–that’s not
right. Um–help.
C-You Can’t even figure out what
country we’re in, much less which direction we’re supposed to be going. Istanbul.
Honestly, Jenny, what am I ever going to do with you?
J-Well, as long as you don’t leave me stranded in Istanbul, I could
really care less.
C-I give up. Now, where are we?
J-OK–uh–give me a few seconds. I think–no–gee–I–um…Uh-oh.
C-Uh-oh? Uh-oh? What Uh-oh? Uh-oh isn’t a good thing. Here, let me see the map…
J-Watch the road!
C-Don’t do that!
J-You’re going to get us killed before
we can even get to Birmingham.
C-Wait—we’re on the way to Birmingham?
J-Yes.
I told you I’d find our way.
Just keep on this road and take a left at the next cow.
C-How am I supposed to know which cow?
J-Duh! The one with the black and white
spots.
C-Oh, Jenny, how are we ever going to
get there?
J-Hopefully with the car.
C-That’s not what I meant.
J-Obviously.
C-You, know, I could really do without
your sarcasm.
J-Not for long. If I shut-up, you’ll fall asleep and then
we’ll all be dead. That would
definitely not be a good thing.
C-Shut-up. OK, you said a left turn?
J-Y-e-e-e-s.
C-Where?
J-At the cow.
C-I’m getting really sick of this. There’s no cow within 50 miles of here.
J-Not a real cow silly. There should be a small shop ahead with a
bronze cow our front. Turn there.
C-Well, why didn’t you say so in the
first place?
J-Didn’t I?
C-No wonder we never get anywhere. Why do I even bother…?
J-Hey, there’s the cow. Look-look there it is. Ha- I told you there
was a cow. Now turn!
C-I’m turning, I’m turning.
J-Now, just go straight down this road
and it should take us right to Birmingham.
C-Good. We didn’t come all this way just to get lost. At least it’s not as bad as when we were in
Egypt.
J-Hey, nobody ever proved that
explosion was my fault.
(They travel in silence.
Then, Cassira begins to turn the wheel wildly.)
J-What are you doing?
C-I don’t know. The road just ended. Out of nowhere it just ended.
J-Oh.
Well, now what?
C-Now we start digging?
J-Why do we have to dig?
C-Because the car is half-buried in
mud.
J-You wouldn’t happen to have a shovel,
would you?
C-No, but I do have one of those windshield scraper things. Plus, we can always use our hands.
J-But–I just got my nails done.
C-And I care because why?
J-You’re mean.
C-I know.
Time passes
J-Hey, who turned out the Lights?
C-Jenny, do you have any idea where
this hole came from and how on earth we managed to fall in it?
J-I think the dark age vampires who
live underground are trying to kidnap us and hold us captive in their secret
lair so they can suck our blood and then eat our brains.
C-Jenny, I doubt you should have to
worry. They probably couldn’t even get
a light snack from your meager cerebral matter.
J-OK, I have no idea what you just said
but I wouldn’t worry about them. They
already got me once. Now I’m an
honorary citizen of their underground colony.
I have the gift of free passage through their territories. Still, there are always their evil
counterparts, the notorious Jing Jang Tu, which means roughly in their
language, I want to suck your blood.
Now, those, I would worry about.
C-OK–that explains a few things. I can see it all now. “It came from somewhere else!”
J-The people under the stairs.
C-The aliens under my bed.
J-The purple gunk in my shower.
C-You.
J-Hey, I resemble that remark.
C-I know.
J-Hey, Cassi, it’s—uh–pretty dark down
here.
C-Do you have a flashlight?
J-No, all I have is one of those
glowstick thingees that burned out last Halloween.
C-Why do you still have it if—never
mind I do not want to know. I guess I
shouldn’t even have bothered asking Jenny-the-Wonder-Ditz.
J-You know I hate it when you call me
that. Hey, I think I do have a
flashlight.
C-Does it have any batteries?
J- (Hits herself on the
forehead.) I knew I forgot something.
C-Wait a minute. I just
might have a lighter.
(She fumbles in pocket &
flicks on lighter)
J-Hey look! There’s a fancy sword on the wall over there. Maybe it’s Excalibur, What do you think
Cassi? Cassi?
And a blank expression on her face.)
J-Cassi, not again. Don’t do this “my mind leaves my body around
all things medieval”. Remember when we
were in Scotland. I had to call the
guards and have them literally carry you out of the castles. Come on, Cassi, this isn’t funny
anymore. Maybe if I can find that
alcohol pad I think I have in my purse…Hey, cool, I just found my hairspray.
C-Jenny, NO!
(Jenny sprays her hairspray.
A flash of light then darkness)
C-Jenny, when will you ever learn that fire and hairspray do not
mix. Now it’s completely dark, I can’t
see a thing, and I don’t know where the lighter is.
J-Stop whining you big baby.
C-What is that awful smell?
J-I don’t know. It kinda smells like my grandmother.
C-I thought your grandmother was dead.
J-She is.
C-Ewe… Jenny, did you
forget to shave again?
J-No, why?
C-Because something furry just brushed
up against my leg.
J-Cassi quit slobbering on me.
C-I’m not.
J-And get your hair out of my face.
C-Stop poking me.
J-All right, whoever is breathing down
my neck, stop it now, it’s not funny.
C-Jenny, who are you talking to? I’m over here.
J-Then who…?
C-Run!
Disembodied voice-Nobody knows for sure what became of these two
But many people believe they were captured by the Jing Jang Tu.
They thought they would be safe with their human bodies, strong
and stark.
But they forgot that vampires do it in the dark.