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"Ask Anora"~Advise Column-Pagan
Dear Anora
This is a bit off topic as it doesn't really have anything to do with our pagan life but I thought I'd ask anyway. My husband works 40+hours a week and I'm a stay at home mom. The problem I'm having is that my husband doesn't seem to think he needs to help with anything around the house that isn't "manly" like working on the car or what not. He claims that because he earns the money that I should be happy to take care of the house. I just can't do it by myself though and take care of children running around too. At the end of every night I'm so exhausted that when he decides he wants to be "intimate" I'm too tired to do anything and that causes even more problems. Advise?
Feels like a servant with benefits
Dear Servant with benefits,
I don't think you're alone in the number of women that feel that this way who decide to stay home and take care of the children. There is something in our society that has been kept around for years that seems to say "If you stay at home then that is your life and you have more time then the rest of us". The problem is we don't. We've all the same amount of minutes in a day and caring for children is a job just like your husband's, however most of the time it is one you are not paid a monetary amount for. Your payment is in the form of appreciation and gratitude, or so we hope. Men in our society, for the most part, have been raised to believe or think that their paycheck is their part of the relationship. Interestingly enough there is no correlation in the basal behavior for that. In most animal groups it is the female who is bringing home the proverbial bacon (food). Somehow this has changed in the human society to promote that the male of our species do this. Perhaps it goes back to our early days as humans when large animals were definately a threat and males being physically more equipped decided to handle that part of life. Though, there is evidence of matriarchal societies that did the same. So, where does that leave us today?
Today it leaves us almost scratching our heads at human behavior to be honest. However, there are some things that one can try in a relationship to help ease this transition into shared work loads rather then stereotypical social roles. The first thing that has to occur in a relationship is communication. And communication does not mean nagging, yelling, and so forth. Communication is both speaking your concerns and listening for responses. The first suggestion I have is to sit down with your husband after he's rested from the day, the children are in bed, over a cup of tea to discuss your feelings. Take the time to listen to his reasons without responding, and I realize this is difficult to do especially if it is something we don't wish to hear.
The second thing that any mate can do for their mate is to appreciate their concerns. This may be hard if you feel as if you're own needs are not being met but let us look at it for a moment from his perspective. Let us say he's put in a long 8 hour day working the typical 9-5 job. He then comes home knowing there are some things that need to be done around the house, yet today he had a run in with an upset client that caused him another 30 hours of work on a project he thought he was about to wrap up. He then is dealing with fussy children wanting his attention, a wife who wants not only his attention but his work and all as soon as he walks in the door. How would you feel in this situation? A bit hectic I'd imagine. Routine is definately something called for in this instance. Giving your husband the time to come home and let go of work is a start. Allow him to shower if he needs to, exercise, read the paper, catch up on the news, work on a project, and just in general settle into "home" life before approaching him with a list of "Honey do's". Even if this time is a mere 30 minutes it can be a huge change in his own demeanor.
In terms of work around the house I'm a firm believer of sharing the load regardless of who stays home. As I said earlier watching children is a full time job and one that needs to be appreciated it as a regular job outside of the home. So, a few creative ideas come to mind to allow your husband to see just what you do all day. Make a list of all the jobs you do on a daily basis with your children, and anything you do around the house. Create a chart that lasts one week which you can attach removable pre-made magnets to each time you do a job on that day. (This is a lot of work up front but once in place will allow you, your spouse, and your children to realize just how much work mom does on a daily basis). At the end of each week pay yourself. Create paychecks that your spouse and/or children can sign such as "1-hour of spa time", "Mommy night out", "Free Dinner", and so forth. Be creative as you like, involve your children and spouse in on payment and have a child pick out a paycheck for you each week! This is the start of teaching all in the family gratitude and appreciation for those things that are not paid for with cash. And allow yourself sick days. Your husband has sick days, paid time off, and vacation time more then likely. Start accruing it for yourself and take it! It will mean communicating the best time to take these days but you are human as well.
Now, moving on to shared work create a list of jobs that you will do daily/weekly and a list of jobs your spouse will do daily/weekly. This also faciliates communication because you will have to speak and agree upon who will do which jobs. If children are old enough they can clean their own room but I personally do not believe in children doing more adult jobs such as lawn work (mowing the lawn), and so forth because of the dangers involved. I also don't suggest any child in elementary age work with cleaning chemicals. Once you and your spouse agree upon these jobs post them on the refridgerator. Everyone uses this daily so you'll be more inclined to do your jobs if you see them on a daily basis. Now, here is where it may be the most difficult for you. Don't nag him if he doesn't do them. Simply do not do job. This is hard for most stay at home moms because they are inclined to do it if someone isn't doing their job. This allows your spouse to fall into his own rhythm, but also allows him to develop responsibility for the house without someone nagging at him daily. Keep in mind that everyone has a learning curve and setting habits is different for everyone.
The last part of this is to have family meetings once a month to decide if things are going as they should. As children see what you and your husband are doing the more inclined they will be to get involved. They are viewing excellent communication skills, learning how to share responsibility, and learning how to break those stereotypes that frequent our society. They are also learning how to appreciate other people and how to show gratitude for what they receive.
In regards to your intimacy, once you've been doing this type of sharing you'll find you have much more energy to devote to one another, and you should. All too often couples fall apart when they center everything around their children, job, or outside distractions. Make sure to schedule time for "Mommy & Daddy", even if it means turning in an hour earlier then normal so you two have time together. Take the time to get in a hot shower or hot bubble bath, maybe even as a couple. Play some soft music, and use alternatives to spice up your night life. Just because you're now a mommy doesn't mean you still can't wear something nice to bed. You'll find that energy can be quickly brought by just the right mood music, a light snack before bed such as fresh fruit, or even a quick cool shower at the end of a long hot shower.
Good luck! Anora
"Ask Anora"~Advise Column-Pagan
Dear Anora,
I am in a situation that I prayed wouldn't happen. My sister's boyfriend broke my confidence and mentioned to my sister the nature of my beliefs. She cornered me and made me confess. I begged her not to tell our highly religious parents. She told me she wouldn't. Two to three days later I was called out into the backyard and had a discussion about it. I had to change a few details so I wouldn't get hit or forced home a few states away. I promised to do more bible study and go to our special church. I thought my sister understood that I wasn't happy in Christianity. I was wrong. I had to delete my pagan groups to look like I was making an effort. The problem is that my family's church isn't mainstream Christianity. It's a biblical research fellowship that teaches about all the evil devil-sprits and such. When I was younger I had gotten Tarot cards a few times and got caught. I feel trapped. My dad seemed to make a big deal that when I graduate from college I want to move away. I know deep down that I may never gain my freedom unless I get married to a guy that lets me have my own religious beliefs. I hate being female. I feel betrayed by my sister and her boyfriend. I don't believe I can ever trust her again. Am I overreacting? Am I wrong? How do I get to a point where I can go to sleep without crying anymore? Thanks for any advice you could give me.
Sincerely,
Suffocating and Broken in a Christian Prison
Dear Suffocating and Broken-
This is a difficult one indeed. There are several factors going on that can cause issues even in the mundane world. The first is that you shared something confidential with your sister's boyfriend, which even in the mundane could cause your sister to react out of spite because it was not shared initially with her. My question would be why you chose to share such information with him and not with her first, and if it was because he was a pagan then why would your sister feel the need to tell your parents? That said, your sister did not respect your right to privacy and did divulge something you were not ready to share with your parents which should be heeded in the future knowing she is likely to repeat this behavior in the future.
The second is something that occurs anytime children grow up and that is the difficulty some parents have in letting their children grow up and leave the nest. It sounds like in this case even if you were not pagan any decision you make while away at college will present an issue for your parents if it goes against what they believe. Though, I do still hold with the etiquette that when in your parents home (or the home of another) you respect their beliefs while with them. This does not however mean you suddenly give up your beliefs just to suit another. In this case, why should you have to change your beliefs simply to suit your parents religious views? The answer is, you don't. You have every right as an adult to seek your own spiritual path, your own world views, and your own way of life. Your parents are the ones that will have to decide if they are willing to let you grow or if they are not. I do not see this being an issue in terms of where you reside though because it is not like your parents can hold you prisoner. They legally can't hold you or anyone against their will simply because they do not hold with the same religious beliefs. Unless of course your parents are members are some fanatical cult, and in that case authorities should be notified.
Now, the real question comes down to how do you deal with such a difference, and how do you handle the betrayl of trust with your sister. The first thing you've learned is you can't share personal information with your sister. You also learned that it is difficult at times to keep quiet but that in this case you must. No one can truly force another to do their will unless they are using physical torture, which is abuse. You have the choice to always say nothing. A simple trick is to use the broken record technique, but mind you it takes a great deal of will power. In dealing with your parents here comes a more difficult decision upon your part as well as a tremendous amount of work on your part. Living in the same state and/or town does not sound like it would be ideal. In fact, it sounds as if it would make your life very difficult spiritually. My suggestion is that you start planning for the long term now while you are finishing up college. You may wish to start looking at apartments that are affordable, a decent job that will cover the rent and expenses, and transportation. This will allow you to stay in the state you are going to school in after graduation until you have a job in the area you are graduating in. If you do this while going to school you also may opt to stay in the state you are going to college in without returning home to endure the holidays or terms off under scrutiny. It is a difficult decision because your family may decide to not speak with you if you do. The choice is between your own individual freedom or a life of being told what to believe. It is ashame that your parents are not more open to what you believe and it sounds as if they weren't willing to read up on what you believe or even discuss it. I do not think it was wise to drop out of all your groups because those were your support from other pagans who have probably gone through similiar family issues. You may wish to find a pagan group in your area near college that you can connect with for support as well.
In the end, it is your life and you have a right to live it the way you feel you should. No one can dictate your religion to you, though it seems many will try. It will mean a few nights of tears, which is true for all of us. We've all endured this from various aspects and we all understand. It is ok to cry to the Goddess and ask for her strength. It is also ok to still respect those you love and care about with their beliefs while keeping quiet. The word occult means secret, and for good reason it is used. Sometimes the best thing to keep in mind when the frustrations occur is that not everyone is at our spiritual level. Not everyone will understand the mysteries, to some they will remain a mystery.
I wish you well.
Anora
"Ask Anora" ~Advise Column-Pagan
Dear Anora,
I've been pondering over a "witch" or magical name that suits me. Well I tried something after reading Buckland's "Wicca for life" and started with a name I liked and added it up then added a letter to make it add to the same as my birth date. Sounded good to me and I kind of like the sound of this original name. I told a friend I finally picked a name and when they heard how I got it, they called it cheating by manipulating a name so it adds up to what you want. What do you think?
Signed,
Perplexed
Dear Perplexed-
Choosing a name is definately a very personal issue be it mundane or for magical purposes. Even our parents had their reasons for choosing our "given" names, perhaps based upon someone in the family, a special memory, or just that the name itself seemed to suit us or even them as parents. In magic, the name you choose is your connection to a more intimate relationship with the Divine. I've read of many cultures using numerology in choosing names, places of residence, and so forth so I wouldn't necessarily deem this as "cheating". Perhaps indeed it is manipulation but when we practice magic we are in a sense manipulating the energies that be. So take heart that if your name resonates with your heart, helps you to connect to a deeper spiritual connection with the Divine that it is the one you are to have at this time, no matter how it was choosen.
Blessings Be-Anora