| This chapter is gonna be strange. I�m tired of the plot stagnating like it has been for the last few months and I have come to the conclusion I need to kick it up a notch. I tinkered with this so many damn times and this is the only one I�m willing to post. Born form desperation at my writer�s block (which only seems to apply to this story >.<) and the mounting pressure from every ML to write the next part of face the consequences, this wandering little piece of *cough* art will have direction even if I have to tie it to the back of Wing Zero and have Hee-chan drag it to the colonies and back! It *WILL* make sense! It *WILL* go somewhere!! I just�� don�t know quite where we�re headed yet. So this is me groping around in the darkness of non-inspiration and trying to find my way. Excuse the stupidity and enjoy to the best of your ability. Arigato. Oh, and thanks to Christy for letting me become the Lady Protector of POVs in Hentai Onna-Gumi. Title: Soft Beginnings 5/? (Book Three in the Stumbling Steps Arc) Author: Lady DarkAngel Ladydarkangel_1 @ yahoo.com Archive: Lady DarkAngel's Gundam Wing Fanfiction Library http://www.geocities.com/ladydarkangel_1/index.html, Darkflame�s (if she�ll take it�.) and anywhere else is fine, just ask me first Category: Yaoi, angst, sap Pairing(s): 3x4, 1+2 (Finally!) Disclaimers: Gundam Wing or Shinkidousenki Gundam Wing is copyrighted and trademarked by Sunrise, Bandai, Sotsu Agency and associated parties with all rights and privileges. The characters were used without permission for the purposes of entertainment only. This is not meant for sale of profit. Any characters not created by those listed above are mine and hereby considered the sole property and copyright of the author. Anyway, I�m just a poor college student. So can I play with them? I promise I won�t break them�... much. Rating: PG-13 Warnings: Pretty much the same as in Part 4 only now it�s starting to get embarrassing. Feedback: Kami-sama, YES!!! Ladydarkangel_1 @ yahoo.com (ignore the spaces); any and all comments are welcome like the sweet ego-sustainers they are. The statement hung in the air, weighing down every breath they took. Heero was taking deep breaths in order to keep control. Control of what, though, he wasn�t quite sure. All he knew was that too much was going on right now. Too many emotions bared, too many past pains and wounds reopened and too many implications for the present laid out. This was getting too intense. The look on Duo�s face, the emotion screaming from his stance, the strange anger that was swirling around in him�� They need to retreat. Back off and regroup in order to attack this problem properly and successfully. Unconsciously, he stepped back to give Duo more room. He observed his partner as he struggled to re-achieve his normal state of icy calm and control. Duo was pissed. There could be no mistake about that. His violet eyes held a violent storm that made them flash and glow with a furious light underneath the sheen of tears. His shoulders were hunched forward as he wrapped his arms around his waist and tried in vain to unclench his fists. Tension was clear in every muscle and his breathing was still ragged from the shouting and crying earlier. <He looks like hell.> The Wing Zero pilot thought, then winced internally. <No, he looks like he�s been *through* hell. He didn�t need to remember all that. He could have just told me the basics and left it at that�� but he was right. I wouldn�t have understood. I had to hear the anger�� see the tears�� experience his anguish to understand the problem and what it means to him. This whole thing is rough on him by virtue of its nature. He wasn�t able to forget then and he won�t be able to as long as we utilize this TANG hydro substance. Hell, he kept some of it because it reminded him of her eyes. It still hurts�� haunts him. I have to fix that. But to fix it, I have to know the cause. I know that hurt like that comes from caring. I hurt inside when he was sick because I cared�� care. He�s devastated because she died. It must mean that he cared for her more then I care for him because his pain is greater. He liked her. Maybe�� because he loved her?> The thought was bitter to his mind, thoroughly unpleasant to his mood. It upset him. And he didn�t have time to think about why. �Did you love her?� The question slipped past tightly-pressed lips. He didn�t want to ask, didn�t want to know�� but for Duo�s sake, it had to be said. �Does this upset you so much because it reminds you of your lost love?� Duo gave him an unreadable glare. �What the hell is that to you?!� �I want to know because it obviously has a great effect on you. The tragedy you just related to me has had an obvious repercussion on you. And I am sorry that it did. As your partner and as your friend, I believe that you should tell me in order to facilitate your recovery and return to normal status.� �Way to clinize a statement of friendship. Do you always sound like a cheap textbook? Or was your mother really a warped subliminal tape recorder set on ruining the English language?� He sounded bitter. Very, *very* bitter. This time, the wince was on the outside. �I am�� not sure. But I am willing to bet on the affirmative.� Duo relaxed slightly, the heckles raised by the Japanese boy�s question calming. �You ask strange questions in even stranger ways.� �Aa. But that doesn�t change the fact that I asked. Will you answer?� The braided boy stopped to consider that. Finally, he responded in a quiet tone, empty of all the anger and sorrow he�d been feeling earlier. Instead, it was full of respect and reflection. �I loved her like a sister. A mother. Someone who was wiser and more caring then me. She was beautiful, inside and out. And she was never vain about it but was willing to share her time and herself with anyone who needed her. She taught me so much about the world and myself�� How could I not love her? How could I not cry when she died?� �But�� Duo, what I meant was�� that�s not��� Heero floundered. He didn�t know how to ask what he wanted to know. He wasn�t even sure what it was he wanted to hear because he only had a vague concept of what love was to begin with. But Duo hadn�t given him the correct answer, that much he was sure of. �Did you want to be with her like�� like�� like��� His mind cast about for a suitable comparison until he hit on a familiar scenario. ���Like Relena wants to be with me?� *That* got him a strange look. �Are you asking if I thought she was hot?� After getting a hesitant nod, the Deathscythe pilot began to laugh. It was watery and weak but it was still a laugh. �Heero! I wasn�t even old enough to like ANYBODY like that! I couldn�t have been older then eight! Well, eight to ten, around that range�� But the point is, no, I didn�t love her as in �sex and passion� type of love. I loved her like I loved Sister Helen, Father Maxwell�� all of my friends. As a piece of me.� �Oh. ��I�m not sure I understand. Love is love, right? So shouldn�t all forms of love be the same? Feel the same?� Violet eyes now looked kindly at him. �You are so damn weird, you know that? Only with you can a discussion that centered around one of the most traumatic events of my life turn into a philosophical search for the definition of love.� He shook his head ruefully. �Ok, I�ll bite. I know that you�re trying to make me feel better. There are distinct varieties, Heero. Kinda like how Aries and Cancers are still called mobile suits. Each type requires different treatment. And if you must know, Kel�s the one who explained to me the difference between love and lust. Relena don�t love you, man. It�s either lust or that girl�s in permanent heat.� �Really? That makes some sort of frightening sense. But what about you? Why did you want to know? You said you were too little��� Another watery laugh. �I wanted to know why Solo never accepted female costumers.� At Heero�s confused look, he sighed. �Remember when we talked about me selling my blood? I did it so that I wouldn�t have to sell anything else. Well, Solo sold the �else�.� Heero gave him an understanding look. �He stood on corners.� Duo frowned. �He was a prostitute. You can use the word. Say it with me. Whore. Hooker. Street-walker. While the profession is shameful, the people who are forced to do it to survive are not. I�m not ashamed of what Solo did. I wish he never had to; I feel terrible and guilty that the reason why was to take care of all of us. But I will never, NEVER condemn him for what life forced him to do in order to live. And you�d better not either.� The cobalt-eyed boy nodded back grimly. �I understand. A soldier must do things that are considered by the whole of society as evil in order to achieve the necessity of victory. I am not proud of what I do but will do it to win.� �Yeah. Well, I was curious. I understood the physics of. I knew how sex worked. But I didn�t get why he refused the girls. It made no damn sense. That was cutting out business he needed and they probably wouldn�t have hurt him so bad. That seemed so stupid to me, defeating the purpose of hooking in the first place. But Kel managed to explain to me.� �And how was that?� Heero was honestly curious now. This little talk was not going quite as he had planned but still�� �We�re getting off topic here.� �Indulge me. Explain.� �It�s all about perception. Yours and the world�s. She said that in choiceless environment, you will latch onto *any* choice, no matter how small. Any way that you are able to express preferences and opinions, you�ll take. I got that much. Solo was doing what he had to but doing it his way by selecting the customers. But why guys, not girls-only? She said while the outside shouldn�t matter, it does. We shouldn�t care about appearances; we should care about the person inside. But in real life, you are judged by the outside and tend to be grouped into categories. After a while, you tend to go with the labeling because your mindset becomes fixed to what they say it should be. Inside molded to fit its exterior. So it was all-boys for him. You following me?� ��� Not really.� An exasperated sigh exploded from the braided boy. �And here I thought you were a smartie. Solo was good-looking, Heero. I knew that even back then. Nowadays, I�d call him a hottie. Not handsome so much as�� for lack of a better word, pretty. He got mistaken for a girl a lot. Very easy on the eyes. He looked like an angel, delicate yet strong at the same time. So society decided who and what he was going to be based on looks alone. I�m not gonna insult your intelligence further by spelling it out for ya. Since he fit the stereotype, that�s what he was. And damn him if he didn�t start to accept it.� Duo glared at him. �Get it yet, Spandex-boy? Solo was gay. And I�m not sure if it�s because he wanted to be that way or if it was because they said he HAD to be that way.� Heero was badly confused by this. Duo had just confused the hell out him, describing someone who bore an extreme physical resemblance to the American�s own appearance. The boy was beautiful according to the definition as he understood it. He looked like an angel often, more so then he would care to admit to. He had little concept of religious doctrine as it applied to celestial beings and their appearance. He actually only learned what an angel *was* just a few months prior to this. His definition of angel was unconsciously graceful, kind, beneficial, happy, full of conviction and smiles, beautiful in look, action and deeds�� his definition was based on Duo, the one who told him about the seraphs in the first place and said to use his imagination to picture them. Duo was a walking model for an angel. Duo was therefore like Solo. Following this logic and the fact that it came up in the first place on their little impromptu talk on love, he was led to the assumption that Duo might be gay as well. But his partner seemed to think that this was a bad thing. His disparaging tone poisoned the words he spoke to make them sound bitter and jaded and not at all Duo-like. Did this make it something to be avoided? Was being gay bad? His understanding of homosexuality was a hell of a lot weaker then his grasp on emotions. This sort of thing just *didn�t* come up in J�s lectures. He was aware there was a stigma attached (which would explain Duo�s bitterness) but he had no idea why that was. Did Duo not want to be labeled like that? Because by the criteria presented, he would be. Did he think that Heero and the others would treat him differently? Was he afraid or ashamed of it? The vague memory of Duo being Catholic and that his religion wasn�t too keen on a lot of things floated through his mind. <K�so. No wonder this is a source of frustration for him. Even if he is not, living with all this is enough to give ME a headache! Yet another thing to add to the �Talk to Duo� list.> There were too many variables to calculate an effective strategy at this point. He needed more information. And Duo would know. Heero decided to ask. After all, what harm could it do? �Duo?� �Yeah?� �You are like Solo. You have stated your sympathy and compassion for him. You said earlier you wanted to be like him. And yet you reject the title that could apply to you both for a reason I don�t comprehend. One that he was more then willing to accept. Why?� Duo went still. �What are you saying?� �By the logic you provided, you and he are one and the same. Still you claim to be different. That you are not like him. Are you or are you not pretending?� The wince came back. This was not sounding the way it should. He had the distinct impression he was digging his own grave�� ��What the hell are you getting at?! Just ask the damn question already and get it over with!� Too late now. Here goes nothing. �Duo, are you gay as well?� (TBC��) Rynvi: Heya minna-san. I�m here to talk to you today because the Lady has obviously gone insane and we�re trying to�� correct the problem. *sounds of a fight and loud cussing are heard* I�m afraid we muses had nothing to do with the previous piece of crap you just read and therefore are absolved from all blame if you didn�t like it. We cannot be held responsible for what she does in our absence. *ducks to avoid flying computer and blinks at the mess behind her* Now what the hell did she do that for? We need that to type on. Oh well, if you write and indicate that for some reason you actually LIKED this chapter, maybe I can convince Kiagara to let her go and she can get moving on the rest of this. Otherwise, it looks like it�s the funny farm for her and this fic hits the trash bin. �K? Lady DarkAngel ---------- �Neesan to Misuzu and A-chan Chibi Duo's Babysitter Moderator of Duo's Sugar Intake Keeper of Duo's Nice Rear-end Co-Keeper of Shinigami's Wings (with Meela) Keeper of Heero's Homicidal Intentions Keeper of Quatre's Teacup Keeper of Trowa's Mask Keeper of Wufei's Sense of Honor Co-Keeper of Duo's Chatter (with Tomanaiya) Co-Keeper of Heero's "Hn" (with Tomanaiya) Co-Writer of Wufei's Rants (with Tomanaiya) Leader of the Inspirationally-challenged Muses: Alisande, Rynvi, and Kiagara Co-Keeper of real-life hamsters named Heero Yuy (Hee-chan) and Shinigami Eagle Vision (Shini Eagle)(with Tomanaiya) Keeper of the Hit List Proud Owner of two sets of chibis: Chibi Angel Duo and Heero in leather (twins of Tomanaiya's) and Chibi Angel Duo and Heero in black flight gear with stripes from the final GW episodes Acting GOD in Charge of The Anime Muse Adoption Center and WSCT of the AMAC Proud member of SDDI, the Society of Defending Duo's Intelligence Member of the Society Against the Complete Bastardization of Heero Yuy Occupant of the Happy Hentai House Master Hacker of the Shinigami Organization Assistant Mob Psychologist for the Shinigami Organization Founding Member of Saa-EEP!!! Happy to be a member of the DuoML Member of 1x2, 2x1 Fan Club and ML Many more MLs but you don't want to know... Lady DarkAngel's Gundam Wing Fanfiction Library www.geocities.com/ladydarkangel_1/index.html |