| Short but bittersweet. You may thank my bitchy mom for the angst in this. I seem to write my best angst in under an hour when I�m upset. I�d stay but I need to go find some tissues�� Oh, any and all science butchered from now on is so not my fault. I never claimed to understand it and quite frankly, I don�t want to. Now if you�ll excuse me, I got a migraine from crying my ass off and want to go lie down. Enjoy the misery. Title: Soft Beginnings 4/? (Book Three in the Stumbling Steps Arc) Author: Lady DarkAngel Ladydarkangel_1 @ yahoo.com Archive: Lady DarkAngel's Gundam Wing Fanfiction Library http://ladydarkangel_1.homestead.com/Main.html, Darkflame�s (if she�ll take it�.) and anywhere else is fine, just ask me first Category: Yaoi, angst, sap Pairing(s): 3x4, 1+2 (Finally!) Disclaimers: Gundam Wing or Shinkidousenki Gundam Wing is copyrighted and trademarked by Sunrise, Bandai, Sotsu Agency and associated parties with all rights and privileges. The characters were used without permission for the purposes of entertainment only. This is not meant for sale of profit. Any characters not created by those listed above are mine and hereby considered the sole property and copyright of the author. Anyway, I�m just a poor college student. So can I play with them? I promise I won�t break them�... much. Rating: PG-13 Warnings: Extreme angst, original character, possible sap, death (nobody major), emotional pain and language Feedback: Kami-sama, YES!!! Ladydarkangel_1 @ yahoo.com (ignore the spaces); any and all comments are welcome like the sweet ego-sustainers they are. �If you know what it is, why do you look like that?� �Like what?� �Like someone killed your best friend.� Duo winced at the harsh phrasing and Heero realized a little too late that maybe that wasn�t the best way to put it. He looked at his partner and noticed to his alarm that there was a suspicious glimmer to his eyes. Violet pools that looked like they were coated in an extra layer of water. �Duo? Are you�� crying?� �NO!! Well, not yet anyways.� A sardonic grin was tossed his way with none of its usual spirit. �Just might, �tho.� �Why?� �Ya don�t want to know.� Duo turned around and began walking back to the house. �Didn�t realize how late it was. Come on, we got to get back.� �Duo, wait! Tell me, what�s upsetting you?� Heero tried to make his voice sound firm but not harsh. <This is one of those times when I need to listen. I don�t understand what�s going on but it�s obviously important. I need to be a friend here. Friends listen and offer comfort. Ryoukai.> Duo stopped and turned back slowly. �Trust me, you don�t want to know. I have your answer. Now let�s go back and apply it.� �Please tell me. I think you need to tell me. You look�� look like you need a friend. I�m here now. Talk to me if you want but please don�t keep hurting if telling me will make it better.� <There! An effort worthy of Quatre!> He was quite pleased with himself for his compassion. He got a long measuring look in return. �Dunno. You�re not gonna like it and I�m not gonna like reliving it. But�� nah, there�s a lot of emotion involved. It ain�t for you.� Heero bristled. �And what does that mean?� �Didn�t think you�d understand the motivation behind it. What good is a story if you don�t grasp the meaning behind it?� �Tell me? Onegai?� Duo stood there silently for so long the Japanese boy started to get worried. Then he noticed that the braided boy�s shoulders were shaking, ever so slightly. Before his widened eyes, the shaking became more pronounced and was able to distinguish the soft sound of Duo�s sobs. Running forward, he reached out before he had a chance to think and caught his friend in an awkward hug. Unused to holding someone like that, he stood as still as he could and offered what little support he had. �Worthless��� �What was that?� The cobalt-eyed boy looked down anxiously. �Did you say something?� �Have you ever felt worthless, Heero?� Amethyst eyes were dark with repressed emotion, even after that outpouring. �Have you ever felt so utterly and totally worthless that existence was a luxury you didn�t deserve and that nothing will ever be better ever again?� Confused, he thought about it. True he had felt mildly useless on some mission, but nothing as bad as Duo indicated. Helpless to understand what his friend was trying to say, he shook his head no. He got a dark chuckle in return. �Well, I have. It�s�� it�s not something that you can really describe. You feel�� like�� like something is defective. And you don�t know what. Most of the time, you don�t even know what you did wrong. Your reality gets so warped, you think that every little thing you do is a mistake. And you can�t figure out why. That�s what hurts the worst. You try and try and try until you bleed or something inside you breaks and you still don�t KNOW!!!! Thinking don�t help, talking don�t help because you don�t understand!!!!� �Understand what?� �WHAT YOU DID WRONG!!! I know this must sound crazy to you. But if you understood�� If it ever happened to you, you�d know. You want to get better but you can�t. Something is holding you back, something is wrong. But no one knows what that something is. You can�t fix it if you can�t ID it. You spend so much time trying to find the flaw that�� that�� that you begin to think *everything* is a flaw. That YOU are the flaw. So it hurts inside and it aches so badly that you want to die sometimes�� but you don�t. Because then it will still be your fault. It�s always your fault. That was one of the first things I learned on the street.� �Some of the older kids in the gang, they came from families. They weren�t war orphans; they ran away. I always wondered what could drive a kid to leave something as precious as a home and family. I would have sold my soul for one, and they just ran away. I thought they were nuts. But then�� there was this one girl. She wasn�t really one of us, she just hung around to kinda take care of us. She was old, about eighteen or nineteen. Almost nobody lived to be that old on the streets. I liked her. She told us stories and taught us stuff and brought us food from the fast food joint she worked at. Her life was shit, Heero, but she made ours better.� �What was her name? She seems to be important to you.� Heero�s eyes were kinder then Duo had ever seen them. �She�� she never told us her real name. Said it was for our own good. But I called her Kel, because she always brought Keligan�s Root Beer with her. Kel, she was pretty. She would have been quite the looker if�� but she always looked so sad. Her eyes were the prettiest shade of grey but they always looked ready to cry. I asked her about it once. Why she came. Why she helped us. She said�� she said it was because nobody ever helped her.� �She was an odd ball. Got thrown out, see. But not because she was bad or nothin�. I heard from Solo that her family was real scum. They treated her like dirt. Worse, even. He said when he first saw her, she was COVERED in bruises and she was so thin and frail-looking�� One day, she just couldn�t take it anymore. She ran like a rabbit. She lived out on the streets for a year or two before somebody noticed how bright she was. Real smart, she was teaching me algebra before�� But she got a chance to live a life. Working a minimum-wage, ass-busting job day in and day out, but it was more then we had.� Duo wiped at his eyes. �I thought she was an angel. She gave even when it hurt. I know for a fact that she starved sometimes to give us stuff. Got in trouble at work, too, for takin� food. But she never regretted it. Did it for a reason, that she was trying to make it right. Told me that her mom told her she was worthless. She cringed at that word. We tried not to mention it in her presence. That girl could have been somebody, she had ideas and was smart enough to make them work. But because somebody, her own flesh and blood, decided she wasn�t worth it�� She�d talk to herself when no one was looking. Try to figure out outloud how her life ended up like this.� �What happened to her?� �She died. The plague. She was taking care of us when I went to steal the antidote. She knew medicine, much more then first aid. When I came back, Solo was gone and she left to tend to the others. I knew she was sick. I offered her my share of the serum. I�� I didn�t want to take it. But she just gave me that sad smile of hers and said that it shouldn�t be wasted on trash like her. I found out later that was a direct quote from her mother; she�d gone there for help since her family was medical-types and they could afford it. She gave it to a little girl who ended up dying a few hours later anyways. She started getting sick towards the end. She kept giving when it was killing her. It made me feel�� like I wasn�t doing enough. That�s why I took over the gang, see? I wanted to be as good as Solo and Kel. I wanted to be like them. But she told me that she didn�t want me to end up like her. That bitch of a mother really did a job on her. Right to the end, she went out thinkin� she was nothing but a waste of space. I made it a point to find out about her family. The scum-puppies tossed her out like used trash because they didn�t think she was good enough for them. Well, I made them sorry!� �Bastards took the antidote but refused it to their own kid! Their eldest child! I watched them for days, living it up while the colony was dying! Laughin� and eatin� like pigs and that brat sister of hers, shriekin� cause she didn�t get her way loud enough to hear across the way! People like them made me sick, literally! It�s morons like that who don�t care enough, who cause these problems and then don�t give a damn who dies as long as it ain�t them! K�SO!!� �I assume you got them back?� There was a feral look on the Wing Zero pilot�s face that spoke of the need for vengeance. The look on Duo�s face reveled a hatred undimmed by time. �OH YEAH. Ruined �em big time. Seems that they were in some trouble. I just made it worse and ratted �em out to the Alliance. Only thing they ever did for me. But there�s a point to this story, Heero. More then just explainin� why I�m upset. Her family, they were hording the serum. It wasn�t in the distribution vials and I couldn�t read that well back then, but I�d never forget that color. Same color as Kel�s eyes. They had BARRELS of it at their place. Guess they stole it and were plannin� on selling it to the highest bidder or something. I managed to nick three of them before it was all confiscated. I hid them and was going to distribute it and sell the rest but by then it was too late. Everyone who was going to die already did. But I kept it. Took some with me. A remembrance, ya know? Since it was that color, I thought�� Professor G found it on me when I was on Peacemillion that first time. He analyzed it and told me some interesting facts. Like it was dirt-cheap to make. No special ingredients or process required; just patience because it took about two weeks to be effective in the human body. Believe you me, I wasn�t happy about what I learned. But I listened because someone had to know and remember. And I remembered.� �Heero�� the fuel we need��. It�s called triacidtonical nitroglyco-hydroxide. Also know as TANG hydro or Angel�s Touch, depending on who you�re asking. It�s very rare but easy to make if you know what you�re doing. It�s a lovely silvery-grey color. It�s the cure for the L2 plague.� (TBC��) In case anyone cares, the girl is lightly based on me. there is more, I just need to calm down enough to think. Write me, ne? Lady DarkAngel ---------- �Neesan to Misuzu and A-chan Chibi Duo's Babysitter Moderator of Duo's Sugar Intake Keeper of Duo's Nice Rear-end Co-Keeper of Shinigami's Wings (with Meela) Keeper of Heero's Homicidal Intentions Keeper of Quatre's Teacup Keeper of Trowa's Mask Keeper of Wufei's Sense of Honor Co-Keeper of Duo's Chatter (with Tomanaiya) Co-Keeper of Heero's "Hn" (with Tomanaiya) Co-Writer of Wufei's Rants (with Tomanaiya) Leader of the Inspirationally-challenged Muses: Alisande, Rynvi, and Kiagara Co-Keeper of real-life hamsters named Heero Yuy (Hee-chan) and Shinigami Eagle Vision (Shini Eagle)(with Tomanaiya) Keeper of the Hit List Proud Owner of two sets of chibis: Chibi Angel Duo and Heero in leather (twins of Tomanaiya's) and Chibi Angel Duo and Heero in black flight gear with stripes from the final GW episodes Acting GOD in Charge of The Anime Muse Adoption Center and WSCT of the AMAC Proud member of SDDI, the Society of Defending Duo's Intelligence Member of the Society Against the Complete Bastardization of Heero Yuy Occupant of the Happy Hentai House Master Hacker of the Shinigami Organization Assistant Mob Psychologist for the Shinigami Organization Founding Member of Saa-EEP!!! Happy to be a member of the DuoML Member of 1x2, 2x1 Fan Club and ML Many more MLs but you don't want to know... Lady DarkAngel's Gundam Wing Fanfiction Library http://ladydarkangel_1.homestead.com/Main.html |