| I cannot take credit for this fic. These aren�t my own words. Well, not entirely. The following is almost a word-for-word transcription of a rant I have the misfortune to hear at *least* once a day from someone I know very well. He�s more of an emotional abuser then a physical one but still that�s no excuse. He�ll go off into this rant at the slightest provocation. It never changes and I can recite it from memory with the correct inflections and gestures along with him. He does not think that is funny, nor does he appreciate me walking out on one of these little venom fits. While I�ve changed some of it to fit the story, this is faithful, accurate journalism, not a creative writing effort on my part. There is some cold, twisted logic in here. And what�s sad is that it makes some sort of bizarre sense to people, especially if you forget that you�re human. People like this just piss me off�� Another POV piece, this time from the abuser. I may do another, I don�t know. This is getting hard to write�� Unbeta�d and I�m not sorry. Title: Never Changes Author: Lady DarkAngel [email protected] Archive: Lady DarkAngel's Gundam Wing Fanfiction Library http://ladydarkangel_1.homestead.com/Main.html, Darkflame�s (if she�ll take it�.), Got Fics? and anywhere else is fine, just ask me first Category: Yaoi, dark Pairing(s): Not a clue Disclaimers: Gundam Wing or Shinkidousenki Gundam Wing is copyrighted and trademarked by Sunrise, Bandai, Sotsu Agency and associated parties with all rights and privileges. The characters were used without permission for the purposes of entertainment only. This is not meant for sale of profit. Any characters not created by those listed above are mine and hereby considered the sole property and copyright of the author. Anyway, I�m just a poor college student. So can I play with them? I promise I won�t break them�... much. Rating: PG-13 or higher Warnings: We have a seriously delusional G-boy here. Violence, dark, just plain strange, abusive relationship, screwed-up reasoning��. I�m sure I missed something but I�m damned if I can remember. Be careful. Feedback: Kami-sama, YES!!! [email protected]; any and all comments are welcome like the sweet ego-sustainers they are. It hurts. So I hurt you. That�s all there is to it. My aggravation, my anger, my pain�� Do you understand? I have to get rid of it somehow. The injustices life has dealt me, the unfairness I must suffer, the frustration of dealing with a world and people who just don�t get it or me�� It causes me to feel such rage. Life isn�t going the way it should be. I�m not getting what I deserve, what I�ve earned, what is owed to me. What I want. I never get it. *Ever*. It disturbs me. Immensely. Haven�t I earned it? Haven�t I suffered enough in my life? With all the things I�ve done? Where are the just rewards that I have fought for, killed for, suffered for? This isn�t the way it was supposed to turn out. This wasn�t what I was promised. We were supposed to be rewarded for services rendered and everything was supposed to turn out alright in the end. It didn�t. At first�� At first, it was Ok. I had you. We were together. It was enough. But then�� things started going wrong. They didn�t go my way. They never go my way. Why is that everyone else in this sorry world gets to do whatever the hell they want but whenever I try the same thing I�m always told no? That I�m wrong? Why am I wrong? I don�t understand. I lost control. *Lose* control. And you. *You*. You always get your way, don�t you? Why? What�s so damn special about you that fate falls all over itself trying to give you everything even if you�re not worth it?! It�s so perfect for you, it makes me sick sometimes. I get so frustrated seeing you get things that I�ve been denied. Like happiness and peace. When you want things, there is always a way to get them for you. But there is never anything when it comes to me and what I want. I�m constantly told no. That I can�t have that or it�s impossible. For no good reason. I�m just as good as you are. Just as �perfect�. I hate you so much sometimes. You don�t see my side in this. My point. And that�s a major part of the problem. I see things that you don�t. You don�t realize what�s going on here. What you�re doing wrong. You refuse to see that it�s you, not me that�s causing all this. Your delusions pushed me away. Your stubbornness and blindness to reality forces me to do the things I do. It�s not my fault. I haven�t done anything wrong. You just don�t understand. I don�t mean to hurt you. Well, yes I do but�� See, it�s like this. I want you to feel like I feel. I want you to hurt, ache, suffer�� maybe even bleed a little. I want you in the same agony I�m in. I hit you, beat you, scream and yell at you and show you what I�m like inside. I want to punish you for having the nerve to do what you do. For being who you are. Like you�re better then me or something. You�re nobody special. I should know. You fight and curse and cry and bleed like everyone else that�s ever lived. Just like the rest of us. Just like me. But for some strange reason, you have an unfair advantage over me. So I try to bring you down to where you belong. Beneath me. But I don�t mean to hurt you so badly. That�s not my intention. How can you learn your lesson if you�re unconscious and bleeding to death in the hospital? And besides, it makes me feel�� bad. Dirty, somehow. Wrong. Which just makes me madder. Why should I feel bad? It�s not my fault you�re so pitiful and weak. You break way too easily. Goddamnit, you�re a Gundam pilot! How the hell did you survive so long like this?! I don�t hit that hard. I don�t, I can�t. You just bruise too fast. It�s not like I snapped your arm on purpose. It�s people like you that give the rest of us a bad name. I swear you�re worthless. You never learn! You don�t stop! You don�t understand! Why do I even bother with you? Why did I in the first place? You frustrate me so. You make my life difficult with your stupidity and thoughtlessness. You make my life hell. But I don�t want to leave. I�m comfortable where I am. I don�t want to have to start out all over again from scratch. Things could get worse for me; in fact, they�re almost guaranteed to. So I�m staying. And you are, too. But because something is comfortable doesn�t mean it�s right. Things have to change. I don�t want to. So you have to change because I never get my way and that�s going to stop right here and now. Things should be all about me. It�s my life and it�s only right that it should revolve around me. If you stop with your foolishness, then everything will be alright. You will do as I say. It�s amazing that you get away with the things you do. I�m not paranoid, nor am I crazy or bitter. I don�t need a shrink or counselor or even a �nice friendly chat�. There is nothing wrong with me. I am fine, it is the rest of the world that is wrong. I see things that others don�t or can�t see. I�ve always been that way. I see the truth and when I try to speak it or act on it, they laugh or run away. They tell me I�m delusional and dangerous to others and need professional help. They think I�m crazy, all of them. I *not* crazy! How dare you! Just because I get angry and do things you don�t approve of sometimes doesn�t make me insane! I knew it, I *knew* it!! No one understands! No one *wants* to understand! They just label me and push me away! I want answers, damnit. I want to know where the hell you get off provoking me like that. I want to know if you�re just being a bastard or if you actually *like* me hurting you. I want to know why things don�t go my way. I want them to for once. I want you to be the person you�re supposed to be, the one you said you would be. I want things to go according to plan. I want people to understand! I want my hopes and dreams to come true! I want everyone to stop being so stupid and do things the right way! *My* way! Oh *God*, *WHY* do I have to put up with this?! What the hell did I do wrong to deserve this?! What is wrong with this miserable world, anyways?! And why am I covered in blood, damnit?! ~ ~ Owari ~ ~ *shudders* Well, that was unpleasant�� I now have the urge to go down massive quantities of hot chocolate and beat the living daylights out of the guy who gave me the inspiration for this. I think I�ll go do that now ��. So should I leave this here? Or should I torment them more? Lady DarkAngel ---------- Chibi Duo's Babysitter Moderator of Duo's Sugar Intake Keeper of Duo's Nice Rear-end Co-Keeper of Shinigami's Wings (with Meela) Keeper of Heero's Homicidal Intentions Keeper of Quatre's Teacup Keeper of Trowa's Mask Keeper of Wufei's Sense of Honor Co-Keeper of Duo's Chatter (with Tomanaiya) Co-Keeper of Heero's "Hn" (with Tomanaiya) Co-Writer of Wufei's Rants (with Tomanaiya) Leader of the Inspirationally-challenged Muses: Alisande, Rynvi, and Kiagara Co-Keeper of real-life hamsters named Heero Yuy (Hee-chan) and Shinigami Eagle Vision (Shini Eagle)(with Tomanaiya) Keeper of the Hit List Proud Owner of two sets of chibis: Chibi Angel Duo and Heero in leather (twins of Tomanaiya's) and Chibi Angel Duo and Heero in black flight gear with stripes from the final GW episodes Acting GOD in Charge of The Anime Muse Adopiton Center and WSCT of the AMAC Proud member of SDDI, the Society of Defending Duo's Intelligence Member of the Society Against the Complete Bastardization of Heero Yuy Occupant of the Happy Hentai House Master Hacker of the Shinigami Organization Assistant Mob Psychologist for the Shinigami Organization Founding Member of Saa-EEP!!! Happy to be a member of the DuoML Member of 1x2, 2x1 Fan Club and ML Many more MLs but you don't want to know... Lady DarkAngel's Gundam Wing Fanfiction Library http://ladydarkangel_1.homestead.com/Main.html |