| My website hit 5,000! WAI! So here�s my counter gift for the lucky Kitty Cat, as per her request. Hope you like it. Inspirations for this fic (meaning I played them over and over again till I thought of something): O-Town�s All or Nothing and BB Mak�s Ghosts of You and Me. I highly recommend them to anyone looking for slightly angsty/sappy music. FYI: According to my book, the title translates as �lost� but more specifically means �gone from one�s possession�. I think it fits well, ne?. Title: Nakushita Author: Lady DarkAngel [email protected] Archive: Lady DarkAngel's Gundam Wing Fanfiction Library http://ladydarkangel_1.homestead.com/Main.html, Darkflame's (if she'll take it.) and anywhere else is fine, just ask me first Category: Yaoi, angst, some sap Pairing(s): 1x2 Disclaimers: Gundam Wing or Shinkidousenki Gundam Wing is copyrighted and trademarked by Sunrise, Bandai, Sotsu Agency and associated parties with all rights and privileges. The characters were used without permission for the purposes of entertainment only. This is not meant for sale of profit. Any characters not created by those listed above are mine and hereby considered the sole property and copyright of the author. Anyway, I'm just a poor college student. So can I play with them? I promise I won't break them...much. Rating: PG Warnings: Heero angsting and musing over�.. well, you�ll see. Minor language Feedback: Kami-sama, YES!!! [email protected]; any and all comments are welcome like the sweet ego-sustainers they are. I�ve had a lot of time to think over the years. I�ve been alone for so long, both on the outside and in my own head, to not indulge in wasting my loneliness like that. I�ve found that the human mind has a distressing tendency to linger on the past in such cases, going over what was in order to determine how what is now came about. I�ve lost count of the number of times I�ve caught myself pondering what hell happened to me in these last ten years. How I became the man I am now, so different from the boy who first came to Earth with a Gundam and a mission to destroy mercilessly. What happened to us, that we turned out the way we did. I didn�t mean to fall in love with you. It just kinda happened. You showed up in my life so unexpectedly, I had no time to prepare myself. I�ve never encountered anyone quite like you. You shocked the hell out of me when you shot me, you know. You just kept shocking the hell out of me, first by breaking me out of that hospital and then by taking me in. I didn�t understand you at all. I was nothing but a coldhearted bastard to you but still you came back and tried to bring me into your life time and time again. As the war went on, I waited for you to retract your offers, your friendship. To realize the fact that I wasn�t worth your time�� You never understood that. You came to me and showed me simple things like kindness and compassion. Generosity and laughter. Basic things of human existence that I didn�t know where there. I was interested in them, despite my training. And as I learned more about them and you, I learned more about me. That I wasn�t as Perfect as they would have me believe. I discovered much about myself, that there was a person under my shell. And that the person was in love with you. Miracle of miracles, you felt the same way too. I don�t know what I would have done if it were otherwise. The times we spent together, whether it was just holding hands or in the throes of passion, were the times when I felt like life was worth living. To hell with the mission, I wanted to be with you. You completed me in a way I didn�t understand and could never hope to find again even if I looked for an eternity. You enchanted me with deep violet eyes, a laughing voice and hair that swept around you like a protective cape. Words cannot begin to describe how I felt about you and the emotions you stirred in me. I loved you. I still love you. I would have died for you if you let me. But instead, I lost you. I�m not sure how. In all of my lonely musings, I�ve yet to come up with a single definite reason why. And I almost always conclude it would have been better if you actually died or left me for parts unknown. Instead, I�m left with a shell of the Duo I knew. One who smiles on cue, hugs me when I frown and generally acts like the baka I fell for. But it�s all an act. I can see through his fa�ade and what I see frightens me. My Duo is gone. When did this happen? Why didn�t I notice in time? Why didn�t I stop it?! Why did this happen; who caused this so I know who to kill?! Questions like that swirl around in my head when your empty gaze greets me when I come home. It�s always the same. You take my Preventers jacket, hang it up on the middle hook. Give me a passionate kiss and tell me you missed me. That you�ll love me forever. Refuse to look in my eyes when you say that. Wander off into the kitchen and serve dinner. Give vague answers when I ask what you did today. Smile vacantly and evade talking when I ask when you�re going to go outside again and rejoin the human race. Remain a blank slate when I start screaming at you to break snap of it and that this is no way to live. Hold me close and murmur in my ear as I cry and sob for my Duo to come back to me. Put us to bed and kiss me to make me forget that you are not the man I married. Repeat process till we die. It�s always the same. I�ve lost you. I lost you to memories. I don�t think you can forget. It�s not like me, who suffers from nightmares each and every night about the atrocities I�ve seen/done/had done to me and wakes up screaming and sweating in your arms. The terrors and pain are confined to my subconscious and are only released in the dark. Yours come all the time. I can see it in your eyes, when they go darker and even blanker then usual. I know little of your life; you were careful in what you let me know about your past. But I do know it must have been very painful. I�ve heard you mutter things in your sleep, things that make my heart ache. I�ve cried for you, love, since you don�t seem to be able to anymore. You�re cursed to always remember and the pain it causes you has made you forget that today is worth living for. That *we* are worth living for�� I lost you to the war. The things we did, the things it forced us to follow and believe in�� The war broke us all in so many different ways. It has been ten years, koi, and still the world has yet to recover fully. People still hold on to it because war is all we�ve ever known. This peace is strange and no one really understands how it works, not even Relena. Children growing up in the brutality that we did�� I�m surprised that I can even function in day-to-day life. Out of all of us, I was the one we all thought would never be able to make it in normal life. Never you, though. No one expected you to have any problems going from war to peacetime. But we were wrong. Your mind is still stuck back there somewhere. I�ve seen the guns you�ve hidden around the house. I know about the blades you constantly wear, even though you haven�t gone outside willingly in over three years. The paranoia and fear it engendered in you didn�t fade over time. If anything, it increased. You�re jittery and jumpy in public, whenever we can coax you out. You can�t let go of the soldier�s mindset. Its grip on you is too strong for me to break�� I lost you to foolishness. Specifically, my foolishness. If I�d only realized how precious the glimmer in your eyes was when it still burned brightly, I�d have��. I don�t know what I would have done. I was a fool then and I am a fool now. I didn�t appreciate the treasure I was given until it was too late. You started to go before we became a couple. By the time I proposed, you were fading fast. By our wedding, I think you were already gone. All the time when I could have encouraged you, nurtured you�� I didn�t. Because I was a selfish soldier who didn�t understand that priceless things need to be not only protected, but cared for as well. It took me forever to say I loved you. It took me even longer to decided to prove it and commit. I wonder�� if I had moved faster, could I have saved you? Did my lack of affection cause this? Did I cause you this pain? I lost you to ghosts. My culture says that ghosts are everywhere. I believe it. I can see them reflected in your eyes: the ones we killed, the ones we saw killed, the ones we couldn�t save and the ones we did. Ghosts don�t have to be dead to haunt someone. They don�t even have to be real people. Just an idea is enough. They surround you, consume you. Ghosts of every shape and kind, more then I can even guess at. I try so hard to make them go away. I want to protect you from them. They hurt you and I can�t do anything about it. I can only watch as you drift like they do, ethereal and not completely here. It�s like a good portion of you has died and the rest of you is only here to keep me company. That frightens me so much. I don�t want you to go, I�ve lost too much of you as it is. I couldn�t bear it if anything else happens�� if more of you were to leave me�� I lost you to myself. And as I stare into those once brilliant amethyst eyes that have faded into dull light lavender, I cry silently to myself. You�re gone, my Duo-koi. And I don�t know if I�ll ever get you back�� ~ ~ Owari ~ ~ *looks at Kitty Cat and the MLs* Was that Ok? Kind of a spur of the moment thing�� Talk to me, ne? *goes back to listening to her music* Lady DarkAngel ---------- Chibi Duo's Babysitter Moderator of Duo's Sugar Intake Keeper of Duo's Nice Rear-end Co-Keeper of Shinigami's Wings (with Meela) Keeper of Heero's Homicidal Intentions Keeper of Quatre's Teacup Keeper of Trowa's Mask Keeper of Wufei's Sense of Honor Co-Keeper of Duo's Chatter (with Tomanaiya) Co-Keeper of Heero's "Hn" (with Tomanaiya) Co-Writer of Wufei's Rants (with Tomanaiya) Leader of the Inspirationally-challenged Muses: Alisande, Rynvi, and Kiagara Co-Keeper of real-life hamsters named Heero Yuy (Hee-chan) and Shinigami Eagle Vision (Shini Eagle)(with Tomanaiya) Keeper of the Hit List Proud Owner of two sets of chibis: Chibi Angel Duo and Heero in leather (twins of Tomanaiya's) and Chibi Angel Duo and Heero in black flight gear with stripes from the final GW episodes Acting GOD in Charge of The Anime Muse Adoption Center and WSCT of the AMAC Proud member of SDDI, the Society of Defending Duo's Intelligence Member of the Society Against the Complete Bastardization of Heero Yuy Occupant of the Happy Hentai House Master Hacker of the Shinigami Organization Assistant Mob Psychologist for the Shinigami Organization Founding Member of Saa-EEP!!! Happy to be a member of the DuoML Member of 1x2, 2x1 Fan Club and ML Many more MLs but you don't want to know... Lady DarkAngel's Gundam Wing Fanfiction Library http://ladydarkangel_1.homestead.com/Main.html |