| This�� is odd. It came from a discussion I was having about how abused people think and how they view their relationship. This fic grew out of that. It�s�.. disturbing to say the least. You have been warned. I�m insecure here, so be nice if you comment. A POV piece, I have only a vague idea who�s talking and no idea who is being referred to. BTW, I left the ending that way on purpose. I may do a companion piece if this turns out well. Totally spur of the moment and therefore not beta-read. There be mistakes and I make no apologies. These things happen, people. They�re not worth whining about. Title: Self-Interrogation Author: Lady DarkAngel [email protected] Archive: Lady DarkAngel's Gundam Wing Fanfiction Library http://ladydarkangel_1.homestead.com/Main.html, Darkflame�s (if she�ll take it�.) and anywhere else is fine, just ask me first Category: Yaoi, angst, DARK!!!! Pairing(s): Not sure Disclaimers: Gundam Wing or Shinkidousenki Gundam Wing is copyrighted and trademarked by Sunrise, Bandai, Sotsu Agency and associated parties with all rights and privileges. The characters were used without permission for the purposes of entertainment only. This is not meant for sale of profit. Any characters not created by those listed above are mine and hereby considered the sole property and copyright of the author. Anyway, I�m just a poor college student. So can I play with them? I promise I won�t break them�... much. Rating: PG-13 Warnings: Abusive relationship, depressed/delusional G-boy Feedback: Kami-sama, YES!!! [email protected]; any and all comments are welcome like the sweet ego-sustainers they are. I�m sorry. I don�t know what I did to make you so angry. More then angry, you�re livid at me. So mad you�ve surpassed the blistering heat of fury to reach the icy-cold pinnacles of rage. I�ve never seen you so thoroughly pissed, especially at me. Why? What did I do? What did I do to earn this anger? It burns in your eyes when you express your extreme displeasure at me, first in deafening shrieks and now in darkly ominous whispers. It glares full force in your posture, the way you so rigidly carry yourself in my presence. It flares in the pain that races through me when you hit me, again and again until I can barely stand and breath on my own. Your fury is you now. Why? Did I cause this? Did I make that rage that fuels you now? Am I the one who sparked this anger and continue to throw gasoline on it day and night? I must have. You get worse around me. You�re upset enough as it is generally but my presence fires you up. I must have done something, hurt you somehow. This is all my fault. I made your life worse. Your eyes hold a darkness that wasn�t there before, a glint of almost-madness. I think something broke inside you and I didn�t pick up the pieces. I am so sorry. How can I help you? What will make you better? I think that the beatings help. You lose some of that manic edge as the color blossoms on me everywhere a vicious strike lands. You release that anger with every ice-coated, razor-sharp word that shreds my mind and soul. Every piece of me that you shatter seems to give you back a part of yourself. If it hurts me so badly, how much more pain are you in then? To keep it all inside; this anger is eating you alive! I don�t mind the injuries. I don�t care how bad it hurts me. This is my fault and I must pay for what I�ve done. Divine justice for breaking you. I just wish I knew what I did. This rage is killing you, koi. I�d rather it kill me. How long will this last? Fury burns itself out soon. But you�ve been mad for a long time. Too long. Something is keeping you angry. It�s me, isn�t it? What do I do that makes the fires burn brighter? We�re both breaking down. It�s eating you away at you inside and I don�t think I�ll survive another hospital trip. The end is near, but only because we�re both perched on the edge of destruction. You will die inside if you erupt again. I�ll die if I suffer anymore injuries. I never really recovered after that last trip; you hurt me so badly that time I�� Look at me. Babbling about my tiny problems when I should be fixing yours! I�m so selfish sometimes. Gomen. How long have we been like this? I�m not sure. Far too long, though. I lost count of the number of rides to the ER, the amount of door and glass replaced, the concerned looks we get everywhere we go. I�m so ashamed sometimes. The others see my bruises and want to know what happened. I have to lie to them. I don�t like that. But I don�t want them to see what I�ve done to you; how I damaged you so badly you have to damage me. It wasn�t always like this. In the beginning, we were friends. Good�� no, great friends. Then we were lovers. But soon I became relief. Physical, in more ways then one. I miss how we used to be��. Am I happy? What kind of question is that?! I�� yes, I am. I am content. There is no such thing as happiness but there is contentment. I *do* wish you were better, though. I wish I could help heal you. I wish we never had to be this way in the first place. But seeing as how I�m such a screw-up, it�s not gonna happen. So we go on the way we have been. I help you by letting you hurt me. The doctors say any more blood loss and I�m a dead man. Fine, whatever. I die then. I will die to atone, die for love, die for you. I am content with that. You are worth it. What was that? �� Oh hello, love. You�re back. I was just�� Yes, I was talking to myself. I�� I know that. But you see�� Well�� maybe it is a worthless waste of time but I think�� Why are you so mad today? WAIT!!! Calm down! Drop that! You�ll hurt yourself! Love, please calm down. We can talk about this. I can�� I know this is my fault and I want to help! Please let me�� ���� �� Itai. Oh that hurts�� Damnit, I�m bleeding everywhere. Where�s a towel when you need it? Koi? Can�� can you help me? I think�� I think I�m in trouble�� There�s too much blood�� Koi? Lover? Where are you? I�m sorry�� Come back�� Please help me�� I�m sorry�� ~ ~ Owari ~ ~ *twitches nervously* Ummmmmmmmmmmm�� I�m one sick puppy. So�� talk to me? Lady DarkAngel ---------- Chibi Duo's Babysitter Moderator of Duo's Sugar Intake Keeper of Duo's Nice Rear-end Co-Keeper of Shinigami's Wings (with Meela) Keeper of Heero's Homicidal Intentions Keeper of Quatre's Teacup Keeper of Trowa's Mask Keeper of Wufei's Sense of Honor Co-Keeper of Duo's Chatter (with Tomanaiya) Co-Keeper of Heero's "Hn" (with Tomanaiya) Co-Writer of Wufei's Rants (with Tomanaiya) Leader of the Inspirationally-challenged Muses: Alisande, Rynvi, and Kiagara Co-Keeper of real-life hamsters named Heero Yuy (Hee-chan) and Shinigami Eagle Vision (Shini Eagle)(with Tomanaiya) Keeper of the Hit List Proud Owner of two sets of chibis: Chibi Angel Duo and Heero in leather (twins of Tomanaiya's) and Chibi Angel Duo and Heero in black flight gear with stripes from the final GW episodes Acting GOD in Charge of The Anime Muse Adopiton Center and WSCT of the AMAC Proud member of SDDI, the Society of Defending Duo's Intelligence Member of the Society Against the Complete Bastardization of Heero Yuy Occupant of the Happy Hentai House Master Hacker of the Shinigami Organization Assistant Mob Psychologist for the Shinigami Organization Founding Member of Saa-EEP!!! Happy to be a member of the DuoML Member of 1x2, 2x1 Fan Club and ML Many more MLs but you don't want to know... Lady DarkAngel's Gundam Wing Fanfiction Library http://ladydarkangel_1.homestead.com/Main.html |