| *Sniffles* Wai! It�s over. It�s finally over. A Way to Heal has come to a close. To all the faithful who have actually made it this far, domo arigato. You have much patience, grasshopper. And it has served you well. And to all those who thwapped me for the ending last time, my only comment is still �Bpeeta!� I needed to get your attention for the finale and make sure you didn�t tune out. I�m gonna guess it worked, ne? Now before you get all upset, there is a sequel to this. Book Three of The Stumbling Steps Arc is Soft Beginnings and it will start as soon as I pass this damn Chem test that will make or break my average. Stupid scholarship requirements! I *hate* Chem! But since I�m a Psych major now, this is the last I�ll ever have to see of it. Wish me luck, minna-san! Andenjoy! P.S. To anyone who�s had trouble getting into my site, I think I fixed it. Try again �cause I redid parts of it! Title: A Way to Heal 10/10 Author: Lady DarkAngel [email protected] Archive: Lady DarkAngel's Gundam Wing Fanfiction Library http://ladydarkangel_1.homestead.com/Main.html, Darkflame�s (if she�ll take it�.) and anywhere else is fine, just ask me first Category: Yaoi, angst, sap Pairing(s): 3x4, 1+2 eventually (I�ma getting� there, don�t rush me!) Disclaimers: Gundam Wing or Shinkidousenki Gundam Wing is copyrighted and trademarked by Sunrise, Bandai, Sotsu Agency and associated parties with all rights and privileges. The characters were used without permission for the purposes of entertainment only. This is not meant for sale of profit. Any characters not created by those listed above are mine and hereby considered the sole property and copyright of the author. Anyway, I�m just a poor college student. So can I play with them? I promise I won�t break them�... much. Rating: PG-13 (to be safe) Warnings: Minor angst, chatty Heero (scary!), some swearing Feedback: Kami-sama, YES!!! [email protected]; any and all comments are welcome like the sweet ego-sustainers they are. Heero focused his gaze on Duo as he tried to sort out his thoughts and come up with a way to make them make sense to the braided boy. It had become totally apparent that Duo did not think in the same manner as Heero did, and could therefore not be assured of following what the Wing Zero pilot believed to be reasonable trains of thought and conclusions. Differing mental tracks give rise to opposing concepts and logic dictates that they may not be compatible with each other and comprehension may be impossible. That would be a *bad* thing, as Duo so often quipped. There was no room for error here; at least, not those kinds of errors. It would be inexcusable to attempt such a doomed gesture when there was a semi-viable alternative. Talk to Duo in Duo�s language, the mental kind. A basic foundation of communication must be established in order to create a new working relationship that was based on trust and understanding and would be beneficial to both so that�� �Hey Heero?� His thoughts interrupted, Heero was mildly annoyed and growled, �Yes?� �You think too much, damnit. Just talk.� Just talk. He could do that. That wasn�t so bad. Open your mouth, move your vocal chords, and sound magically comes forth. That was easy. But how to translate the confusing mess of�� *emotions* and such in his head into understandable speech for Duo? Understandable? Hell, he�d settle for coherent and in a single language. He started to vaguely panic when he realized that he didn�t have the proper *words* to name his thoughts. He was barely able to recognize them, let alone name them. How in the hell was he supposed to�� �Heero? You�re doing it again.� <Damnit.> �I can *see* you thinking. You�re thinking so hard you�re giving me a headache. I know this is hard for you. Just start at the beginning. Talk about what�s the cause of��. whatever it is that you are trying to tell me about. Start at the bottom and work your way to the top.� He could do that. �Ummmmmm��. I�m not a mindreader, Heero. You need to use your mouth and speak out loud so the rest of us poor mortals bastard can understand you. �Hn� and facial non-expressions are not a language in and of themselves.� �Baka.� �And you know it. Now quit stalling and yap at me.� �Very well. But�� I ask that you don�t interrupt me. It will be hard enough to do this without your usual running commentary.� �OI! So rude!� Duo crossed his arms, a delighted and utterly-fake pout on his lips. �Yare yare. You got it.� After 10 minutes or so to let Heero get his thoughts into order, Duo commanded, �That�s enough. Talk now.� �I have always been a solider, Duo. Since before I can remember, I have been trained to kill without remorse. My first memory is of blood; who�s it was and why it was spilled, I don�t remember anymore if I even knew back then. I was an accomplished assassin by the age of ten with more field experience then most and a firm grasp on the usage of any and all weaponry I might come across. My handlers raised me to think of nothing but my duty and the fatal skills involved. Nothing else was to matter to me- not pain, suffering, compassion, morality, individuality, emotions, life, and death. None of it was important because it was irrelevant to the mission and the mission was all because only it was relevant to my life. It�s...... a difficult mentality to break. Once you start, you�ll find that it is incredibly hard to stop. Circular reasoning is like that. Once you�re inside the loop, you can�t see a way out. When you�ve been taught since childhood that there is no existence other then the mission...... you start to believe it. Wholeheartedly.� �Oh Heero......� �My mission is all to me. Or, at least it should be. Everything I have ever learned says that life is meaningless without a preconceived purpose provided for you. Life is carrying out orders. I am to think for myself, until the mission dictates otherwise or it will endanger the mission objectives. The mission, first. Always. My orders are infallible, even if they are obviously flawed. The mission in not faulty; I am. Failure is unacceptable; I am to do whatever is necessary in order to insure success. No price is too high. My life is forfeit if need be.� �Heero, that�s......� �Please let me finish, Duo.� When assured of silence, he continued. �You may have guessed some of this. I�m apparently easy to read that way; you�d have to be blind to miss it. Many of the character traits that you associate with me are not natural. They are the products of a lifetime of conditioning and are not my true personality. My dedication has been bred into me and my single-minded stubbornness was cultivated for better mission efficiency. The Heero Yuy you know is not the person I was born as. I am not me. I am an artificial creation of war and violence. I am not what I should have been if.......� �You think that any of us are?� Heero blinked, knocked out of the trance his little oration put him in. �Nani? What...... what did you say, Duo? I�m not sure I heard you correctly......� �Heero no baka, do you think that I am who I am supposed to be? That I am the true me?� There was something dark in those violet eyes that made him pause. �...... Hai.� �Ha ha. Fooled ya then.� The cobalt-eyed boy stared at his companion. How could he say that? Duo was the most existentially honest person he knew. How could he not be himself? That made absolutely no sense. Who else could he possibly be? <I don�t understand. This whole thing is confusing the hell out of me. Words are so inadequate for what I want�� no, need to say. I don�t even understand what I just said. I don�t even think it was a coherent sentence, let alone a concept. Well, at least *Duo* seems to understand what I�m saying�� trying to say�� managing *not* to say.> �Duo��� �Heero Yuy, for once try to see things from a new perspective. Has it occurred to you that what you have been through, what you think and feel�� that only you have felt it? That no one else in history of the whole damn universe has ever experienced them or anything like it?� ��� No. I��� �Do you think that you are alone? That no one else can possibly understand what you understand? That your experiences are so unique that they set you apart from the rest of humanity and there will forever be a divide between you?� �No. Yes. I don�t know��� �Well, at least you�re being honest with yourself. With me. Let me ask you this: do you *really* understand what I just said and what I asked you? Or are you just agreeing because you don�t know what else to say?� Heero frowned. �No. Duo, this wasn�t how this was supposed to turn out. This should not be an interrogation. It was originally supposed to be I talk and you listen. That�s how it was before. That�s how I learned��� Duo smiled gently. �Maybe I learn differently. Ever thought of that? These kinds of things aren�t set in stone. You can�t expect to have a single guideline to follow. Life is variation, Heero. I am different then you are.� �I��I can see that. But how does this have any relevance to what�s happening now and our conversation?� �You can learn by just listening, but I need to ask questions. That is how I learn. I�m clarifying things for me and for you by making you answer them out loud. You have to give a name and put words behind your thoughts that way. In the end, it will be better for both of us. Just trust me on that, Ok?� Trust. Heero suddenly refocused his eyes on Duo�s as he remembered the reason for having this talk in the first place. �Do you trust me now? More then before?� �Huh?� He obviously didn�t get it. �Do. You. Trust. Me. Now.� He said each word clearly and distinctly so that there could be no mistake. He waited on baited breath for the answer. It wasn�t long in coming. Duo�s face was a mass of confusion when he exclaimed, �Of course I do! Why wouldn�t I trust you, Heero?� �Good. Ninmu kanryou.� Fury flashed through violet orbs. �Whoa whoa whoa! Wait just a sec here! What did you just say?! What �mission completed�?!� �I have regained your trust.� A storm of emotions raged across that delicate visage, fighting each other for control. He whispered softly, dangerously. �I�m�� I�m a mission?� Unaware of the hurt and anger underlying that tone, Heero sighed with relief at this apparent breakthrough in communications. They understood each other. �Hai. You are my newest mission.� He relaxed, glad that the Deathscythe pilot finally realized it. Imagine his surprise to see tears shimmering in those downcast eyes. <Oh no. Oh no! What happened?! Why is he upset? That�s not supposed to happen! We�ve already established a solid base! ��Unless I messed it up somehow. What did I do, what did I say wrong?!> Cobalt eyes barely squelched the panic within them as he reached over and grasped Duo�s lax hand. �Duo? What�s wrong? Talk to me!� The braided boy refused to speak for a time but when he was finally cajoled into it, his mutterings were dark and bitter. �Mission. I�m just a mission.� Heero blinked. �Hai, you are my mission. What is wrong with that?� A terrible thought struck him. �Duo, do you not want to be my mission? Is that it? You don�t want to?� Duo�s head whipped up and he exploded. �DAMNIT HEERO!!! People aren�t MISSIONS!! Haven�t you heard ANYTHING I�ve said to you?! You can�t treat people like that! You were treated like that and look how it hurt you! Of all the terrible things to say, you just *had* to pick the worst of the bunch! You of all people should know what that does to your self-esteem! People have value besides the little bit you can understand! And you need to acknowledge that as a human being, people have inherent worth that needs to be respected! In other words, get your damn myopic head out of your ass and see that not everyone is happy to delegated as a mission and to that way of thinking! Do you understand what I just said?! Does it make *any* sense to you at all?!� �I�m�� I�m sorry.� Heero felt�� awful? Yes, awful was the word he was looking for. He felt like dirt. Cheap dirt. Cheap scummy contaminated dirt. That�s better. He was getting better with the understanding and naming thing. But apparently not fast enough to prevent this little disaster from happening. He had to fix it. He hadn�t wanted this to happen! �I�� I�� Gomen nasai. I did hear everything you�ve said to me. And no, it doesn�t all make sense just yet. Give me a little time to work on it, Duo. But�� did you listen to what *I* said? My missions are all to me. They are the focus of my life. They *are* my life. I give my all for them and will never fail them. One can even make the case that they�re almost a religion to me. The mission gets the total devotion of the pitiful excuse of what passes for my soul.� He took a deep breath, not used to talking so much or so eloquently. �You are my new mission, Duo. You have been for�� I�m not sure how long now. Even before I was assigned to take care of you, I�� worried for you. Somehow, my mind assigned you mission status and you got stuck in there so that a good portion of my thoughts were about you or related to you somehow. I didn�t understand why then and I�m still not sure why now, but you are important to me. I have to protect you and take care of you. Your well-being matters and I need to be there to insure that you are Ok. But now I�m�. afraid. Afraid that you won�t want to be near me anymore because I�ve offended and angered you. Gomen nasai. I don�t want to lose your respect and friendship again. I don�t want to lose you again�� like I almost did before��� �You never lost me, Heero.� Duo whispered gently. �And you never will. You just�� can�t see me too well right now. Stuff in your head is clouding your vision and your thoughts. But that can change. That *will* change. You�re trying. I need to try, too. You�ve taken the first step by doing this. By tellin� me the truth. We can start from here�� And I�m sorry for yelling at you like that. You were just trying to tell me something, in your own words. I need to be more careful and *listen* to you like you asked me to, instead of flying off the handle at a remark you didn�t mean as insulting. It�s not your fault you express things differently.� He covered Heero�s hand with his own. �If I have a say in it, this is one mission you�ll never fail. We will work this out together.� �Arigato, Duo. �� For�� for everything.� �Shouldn�t I be the one saying that? Now that we got that out of the way, let�s go get something to munch. My stomach�s starting to eat itself. And the others must being waiting! Come on!� With a wink and a giggle, he led Heero out the door by the hand. If he�d turned around in that instant, he would have been graced with the rarest gift on God�s green earth: a heartfelt smile from Heero Yuy. ~ ~ Owari ~ ~ Don�t hit me! *ducks various flying objects* The next Book will *finally* have the 1+2 in it, I swear! I�ve got some really cute scenes planned out! Just let me work it out in my head, ok? The curse of the procrastinating perfectionist sadist strikes again. I�ll see you all in a bit, ne? And don�t forget to write!!!! Lady DarkAngel ---------- Chibi Duo's Babysitter Moderator of Duo's Sugar Intake Keeper of Duo's Nice Rear-end Co-Keeper of Shinigami's Wings (with Meela) Keeper of Heero's Homicidal Intentions Keeper of Quatre's Teacup Keeper of Trowa's Mask Keeper of Wufei's Sense of Honor Co-Keeper of Duo's Chatter (with Tomanaiya) Co-Keeper of Heero's "Hn" (with Tomanaiya) Co-Writer of Wufei's Rants (with Tomanaiya) Leader of the Inspirationally-challenged Muses: Alisande, Rynvi, and Kiagara Co-Keeper of real-life hamsters named Heero Yuy (Hee-chan) and Shinigami Eagle Vision (Shini Eagle)(with Tomanaiya) Keeper of the Hit List Proud Owner of two sets of chibis: Chibi Angel Duo and Heero in leather (twins of Tomanaiya's) and Chibi Angel Duo and Heero in black flight gear with stripes from the final GW episodes Acting GOD in Charge of The Anime Muse Adoption Center and WSCT of the AMAC Proud member of SDDI, the Society of Defending Duo's Intelligence Member of the Society Against the Complete Bastardization of Heero Yuy Occupant of the Happy Hentai House Master Hacker of the Shinigami Organization Assistant Mob Psychologist for the Shinigami Organization Founding Member of Saa-EEP!!! Happy to be a member of the DuoML Member of 1x2, 2x1 Fan Club and ML Many more MLs but you don't want to know... Lady DarkAngel's Gundam Wing Fanfiction Library http://ladydarkangel_1.homestead.com/Main.html |