| Ok, minna-san you are hereby warned. Duo gets jumped (not in the good way) and a bitch-fight ensues in this last installation of Duo and the Harridan. Relena has also acquired a rather offensive potty mouth (I�m serious, she�s NASTY!). Don�t like it, leave now. �����.. Well, since you�re still here, I guess you want more. And I would like to state for the record, I had a little too much fun with this part. I hope you do too. Enjoy. Title: Duo and the Harridan 3/3 Author: Lady DarkAngel [email protected] Archive: Lady DarkAngel's Gundam Wing Fanfiction Library www.geocities.com/ladydarkangel_1/index.html, Darkflame's (if she'll take it.) and anywhere else is fine, just ask me first Category: Humor, Sap Pairing(s): 1x2, 3x4 Disclaimers: Gundam Wing or Shinkidousenki Gundam Wing is copyrighted and trademarked by Sunrise, Bandai, Sotsu Agency and associated parties with all rights and privileges. The characters were used without permission for the purposes of entertainment only. This is not meant for sale of profit. Any characters not created by those listed above are mine and hereby considered the sole property and copyright of the author. Anyway, I'm just a poor college student. So can I play with them? I promise I won't break them...much. Rating: PG-13 for the language alone! Notes: I don�t hate Relena. I *don�t*! I actually kinda respect her in a vague way and VASTLY prefer Nice Relena fics to Bitchy Relena ones. So why did I write one? Well, I have to admit, it�s a great way to advance the plot. It�s also fun to make her a stark-raving psycho. Bitches make good villains and bishies make good victims. ^-3 Warnings: Lets see here- language, delusional Relena, language, violence, language, gay insults, LANGUAGE. Seriously, I did my best to make her sound as offensive as possible. Virgin ears stay away or ask me and I�ll send you a bleeped version or something. I refuse to get flamed over this! Feedback: Kami-sama, YES!!! [email protected]; any and all comments are welcome like the sweet ego-sustainers they are. �Why�� why�� why you cheap-assed worthless WHORE!!� With that, Relena launched herself at Duo. Prepared as he was, she still managed to catch him off guard and knocked him clear to the floor. She jumped on him and began to viciously swipe at him, headless of dignity or anything else for that matter. He grabbed her wrists and desperately tried to stop her from using those fake nails of hers to claw his eyes out. He tried to flip her but she was moving around too damn much to get a proper hold. �Bastard! Seducer! Pillow-biter! What the hell have you done to my Heero�s mind?! You fucking street rat! Mindwarper! Hedonist! Sodomist! Whoreson! Ugly demon spawn! How *DARE* you lay your dirty hands on him! He was innocent, pure! You ruined him, tainted him, scarred him for life with your sickness! And he doesn�t even know it because you LIED to him! I�ll *KILL* you for this!!!� And she was trying to do just that. And doing quite well, it must be noted. Razor sharp nails were perilously close to precious violet and he had a right to be nervous. His grip slipped and pain blossomed on his left cheek. �OW, damnit! What the fuck is your problem?! What happened to pacifism and non-violence?� �Death to the queer boy!� �Oh shit.� <She has red eyes! That can�t be good.> He was definitely in trouble. A particular near-miss caused him to faint left, and started them rolling around the floor. Knocking things over right and left, they ran into vases all over the place, causing flowers to rain down, get crushed into the carpet or drown in the flood of water that spilled over the floor. It was truly one hell of a mess. Duo was by no means a weakling but he was hard-pressed to hold her off. She was SERIOUS about hurting him. He was saying his final mental goodbyes to Heero when a familiar laugh filled the air. He couldn�t turn his head to identify the location but he knew who it was. �Damnit, Trowa! Where the fuck are you?! How long have you been there?! AND WHY AREN�T YOU HELPING ME?!?� A flash answered his question as Trowa took a photo of this most interesting scene. Duo grit his teeth and resisted the urge to just scream obscenities like the crazed harridan above him. �Bastard, how long have you just been *standing* there?!� �Long enough. Busy?� �Smartass.� �I know.� �Are you having fun over there? I sure ain�t! Are you done yet?� �To the first, oh yeah. To the second, not yet.� Another flash caught Relena trying to bite Duo�s hand off, shrieking that he�d better take his filthy faggot hands off her this MINUTE or she would rip out his intestines and choke him to death with them. �Are you done YET?!� �Think so. Videotape�s running so I guess we�re good.� �That�s absolutely fuckin� marvelous. Now come SAVE ME!!!!� Trowa snickered like a madman as he placed the camera in a safe place and joined in the fray. �You skanky-haired, limp-wristed, scum-sucking poser! Porn film reject! Slut-born, filth-encrusted perverted nancy-boy! I *WILL* *GET* YOU FOR THIS!!!! I will avenge my poor innocent Heero! Crotch-biter! How *DARE* you take advantage of his lack of social understanding to lure him into your bed and have your twisted way with him! You corrupted my prince and I will have your blood for it!!� �Whoa, whoa, TIME OUT!!� Duo shrieked, trying not to lose any body parts, vital or cosmetic. �What the hell is your problem, lady?! It�s over; you lose! What, you think this is gonna change anything? Now don�t be a sore loser and take your defeat like the dignified princess you were raised to be!� �To hell with THAT!� Between the two of them, Duo and Trowa managed to contain the furious hellcat the Queen of the World turned into. Trowa pinned her down on the couch while Duo slumped back to the floor, holding his bleeding cheek dazedly. There was a commotion outside as Quatre and Wufei came barreling in and stopped dead at the scene. All the wedding-related papers and catalogues he was carrying fell flat to the ground as Quatre screamed, �What the HELL happened in here?! You TRASHED the room! Oh Allah, you�re BLEEDING!� He raced out again immediately to get some ice and gauze. Wufei leaned against the wall across from them and offered a causal grin. �Gentlemen, I believe that there is a story here. One that I am most interested to hear. Would one of you care to tell me or do I have to guess?� �Hell yes, I�ll tell ya! The psycho witch tried to kill me!� �That much is obvious. Why?� �Duh, �cause I�m marrying Hee-chan!� �You are *NOT*! How dare you spread such evil and terrible lies! LIAR, I HOPE YOU BURN IN HELL!� �Will you SHUT UP?! I�m trying to explain here!� �Explain that you�re sick and perverse? That you�ve tricked my Heero into your disgusting trap? That you�re spreading the knowledge of such�� such�� atrocities to your friends?� �I see that she doesn�t believe you, Maxwell. Did you show her the ring?� Relena turned shocked eyes towards Wufei while Duo grinned delightedly. Her mouth opened and closed repeatedly as her face went from white to a furious shade of red. �You�� you�� you knew?! You knew and you believed this?! You knew and you didn�t DO anything about it?!� �Of course we knew. There is proof. And as for our inaction, it was never our place to act.� Serene black eyes met angered blue. �Has he shown you the ring?� �Yes, I�ve seen that fake symbol of the mockery he�s making of a holy rite! He waved it in my face!� �I take it you refuse that particular piece of evidence for their love?� �What kind of sick, delusional, wretched people support that kind of insanity? Or are you a freak too?� �Define �freak�, if you�d be so kind. I don�t think we operate under the same concepts you do.� �A perverted whoreson who has the absolute GALL to defy God and nature like a complete abomination and do unspeakable things that make normal people cringe!� �Hey!� Quatre�s brow wrinkled in distaste. �Can we please keep the hostility down to a minimum, please? Some of us are getting headaches from your vitriol, you know.� He absently rubbed his chest. �You are aware you just insulted everyone present, right?� Her jaw dropped. �*All* of you?! You�� you all are *queer*?! �I object.� Wufei stated. �I happen to be bisexual, leaning more towards the female side of the equation.� �I can�t BELIEVE this!� �Well you better because it�s true! Miss Queen, I hate to break it to you but a lot of the world is not oriented nor does it follow your guidelines. Don�t believe me, ask Dorothy. That girl�s oriented WAY different then you.� �Dorothy? What does she have to do with anything?� �I�m telling ya, deaf AND blind�� I really should give you a swift kick in the ass on the way out to try and jump-start your brain.� Duo muttered. �Why can�t you just accept it? Heero didn�t choose you. Does the why really matter? Love has its reasons for existence and love chose not to exist between you two. And who are you to question love? It is eternal, beautiful and ever wise. Love knows no master and if you try to force it, it�ll run faster then you can think. You don�t have love, you have an obsession. But you haven�t lost everything. There�s no reason you still can�t be friends; you just can�t be lovers.� �Heero is mine! He�s going to be my King! My husband and my happiness! I won�t let you take that from me! He loves me and that�s the God-honest truth!� Trowa gave her a stern glare. �I think Duo�s being far too nice about this. And you�re taking advantage of that to insult him. No more. You want the truth; I�ll give it to you. Heero doesn�t love you. He never did and he never will. Omae o korosu does NOT mean �I love you�; for God sake, get a J-E dictionary, will you? He doesn�t want any part of you. He doesn�t want your mind, heart, soul or body and he sure as hell doesn�t want your hand in marriage. He wants Duo. See this ring? See that wedding invitation? His name, not yours. Duo Maxwell, not Relena Peacecraft. Get a life, get a clue and get the hell out of our sight before we get angry enough to finish you off.� �Trowa!� Quatre was shocked. Did all that actually come out of his lover�s mouth? Allah, he never knew that Trowa was so romantic! He was so proud of his man, the blonde glomped onto him. �Way to go, Tro! Give the little bitch some of her own medicine. Me-ow!� �Indeed.� Wufei applauded. The only response of the intended audience, however, was a string of swearing and threats that while vocally impressive and required more brainpower to think up then they would have given her credit for, it meant absolutely nothing to them. Quatre groaned. �No choice, guys. Group huddle.� With a deep sigh, the four pilots present had a quick consultation and decided that it would be best to remove the apparently insane Queen off the immediate premises before something�� ah, *unfortunate* happened to her. Like Duo forgetting boys don�t hit girls and deciding to get his vengeance. Or Wufei deciding her screeching required the immediate removal of her vocal chords with a rusty blade. Quatre picked up the phone and dialed the extension for security. �Hello, Nabooru? Yes, I know that we have�� I�m sure you�re sorry. No, I�m not going to fire anyone for this. I know how stubborn she can be. I have a question for you. There wouldn�t by any chance happen to be a pink limousine waiting outside, around the front gate? There is? Oh good! Please tell the driver, and quote me on this, �Pargan-san, if you want to pick her up alive, Master Winner says to tear ass to the front door NOW.� Thank you and have a nice day.� He placed the receiver down and looked up at them. �Pargan�ll be here in less then��� A loud screech of tires on unforgiving concrete resounded through the air. �Well that was fast. Shall we?� �Of course Little One. Duo, did you seriously want to kick her in the ass on the way out or were you kidding?� �Um, well yeah, I�d love to�� but somehow I don�t think that will fly. International incidents and all are not good for my self-image, no matter how personally satisfying they may be. Besides, if Hee-chan ever found out any part of me touched her ass, I�m a dead man and she�s street pizza.� �Suit yourself.� Wufei and Trowa hoisted her up and discovered the pacifist wasn�t nearly as passive as they would have liked; the uni-banged boy tried not to get his fingers bit off while the Chinese pilot was attempting to not get kicked in the face. The blonde boy giggled bearing the precious video camera as he followed behind along with Duo, who was alternately grinning and whining about his damaged face. The front door opened unexpectedly to reveal Pargan with a mildly shocked look. A quick survey of the situation and he bowed deeply to the young men. �I feel I must apologize for Miss Relena. I do hope that this incident has not ruined your day.� �Naw, P old boy! Just a little dark cloud on an otherwise perfect midheaven. But the sun still shines and that there is no night in sight.� Duo gave a sympathetic grin, an elaborate bow in return and lied through his teeth. Oh well, some lies for someone�s personal benefit can be allowed��. No sense making him feel bad about it. �Seriously, it�s cool. Not your fault at all.� �If that is what you believe��� The old man paused. �You�re bleeding, Master Maxwell.� He said in a soft, sad voice. �No biggie.� �I truly feel I must apologize. To have such an injury caused for such a petty reason by one who claims peace as the ultimate goal of man�� it is a shame to us. Once again, my deepest and most abject apologies to you and yours. Oh, and if I may be so bold as to wish you and Master Yuy a fine wedding and a blessed, happy marriage. I sincerely hope you are happy with each other.� �*WHAT*?!?� Relena shrieked. �You KNEW?! Pargan, you traitor! Why didn�t you say something!? *DO* something?!� �I did, Miss Relena.� Duo looked at him shrewdly. �You sent the flowers, didn�t you?� �Yes, I arraigned for their delivery.� �Thank you. They were lovely. I appreciate the gesture.� � 'Twas only the proper thing to do, sir. After all, a marriage is something to be honored. And since the two of you have done so much for humanity, why should we not do this little thing for you?� �That�s IT!! Pargan, you�re fucking FIRED!!� Quatre winced. �She doesn�t mean that.� �Oh yes I do!� �Well then, if you need a job, come look us up, ne? We�ll take care of ya. Can never go wrong with having a butler.� Duo winked at him. �I thank you but it will not come to that. She�s just angry right now. Once she calms down, things will be as before. Besides, Miss Noin and Master Millardo will never allow that to happen.� A shriek of rage erupted from the girl as she tried to break free and kill someone in her frustration. Trowa and Wufei exchanged evil grins. �On three?� They turned to Pargan who nodded his understanding and got into position. �On three, then.� �One�� two�� THREE!!� The Queen of the World went flying and landed in an ungraceful heap on the floor of the back of her limo. The grey-haired servant closed the door tightly and then turned to bow one final time to the pilots. As the lime raced off into the distance, Duo couldn�t help but yell �Relena, you might want to take some lessons from P-man if you wanna stay PC! The key to politics isn�t learning whose ass to kiss, Relena. It�s learning when to suck it up and kiss you own! (1)� �Oh, very mature, Maxwell.� �Bite me, Chang.� �No, I don�t think so.� Everyone turned around at the unexpected voice. Heero was standing there behind them, his bags on the ground near his feet and a strange expression on his face. �Would someone care to tell me what just happened and why I almost got run over by the Pink Limo from Hell on my way up the driveway a few minutes ago?� �Heero!� the others took it as a good time to vacate and made themselves scare as Duo glomped onto his finally-home fianc�. �You�re back!� �Duh.� He gently pried his lover off him and was shocked at what he saw. �Kami-sama, Duo! What the hell happened to you? You look *terrible*! Like someone tired to beat the living daylights out of you! Are you alright? Are you hurt bad? Do you need to see a doctor or something?� Dismay marred Heero�s face as he observed his lover�s condition with visible distress. It was peacetime and he�d fervently hoped to never see the marks of violence on his beloved ever again. He gently reached out a hand to trace the reddening scratch marks on a silky cheek. �Hell no, I�m fine. Just some scratches and stuff. Not even bleeding any more! No biggie. I�m so glad you�re home! Oi, Heero! You�ll never guess what happened to me! Even if I told you and swore it was the God-honest truth, you won�t trust me. Man, you�ll *never* believe me in a gazillion years even if I *showed* you! And we have proof, thanks to that sneaky sonuvabitch uni-banged freak of Quat�s who I am going to beat for not helping me sooner! It absolutely *ruined* my perfect day! Well, it did until you came home.� � �Show� me? What have you been doing, baka-mine?� A quirked eyebrow and amused smile gently inquired. �Uh, well�� Nothing important, love. Especially now that you�re here with me. Now�� care to show me just how much you missed me? Make my day a little better? Make my cheek stop aching?� At Heero�s smirk and subsequent soul-searing kiss and roaming hands, Duo relaxed and felt his earlier joy resurface with a vengeance. It was all good, the bitch had been banished (hopefully never to return), life was progressing nicely and it was gonna stay that way. After all, in the end it really was a lovely spring afternoon for (almost) everyone involved�� ~ ~ Owari ~ ~ *wipes brow* Phew! Now all that�s left is the actual wedding. Up next: Pre-Martial Jitters or You�re NOT Getting Away! Want it, write me. C&C me and I love you forever. Flame me for this and suffer my wrath. (1) I forgot where I got this and even why I was dared to add it in. Just be aware that it�s not mine and we�ll leave it at that. Lady DarkAngel ---------- �Neesan to Misuzu and A-chan Chibi Duo's Babysitter Moderator of Duo's Sugar Intake Keeper of Duo's Nice Rear-end Co-Keeper of Shinigami's Wings (with Meela) Keeper of Heero's Homicidal Intentions Keeper of Quatre's Teacup Keeper of Trowa's Mask Keeper of Wufei's Sense of Honor Co-Keeper of Duo's Chatter (with Tomanaiya) Co-Keeper of Heero's "Hn" (with Tomanaiya) Co-Writer of Wufei's Rants (with Tomanaiya) Leader of the Inspirationally-challenged Muses: Alisande, Rynvi, and Kiagara Co-Keeper of real-life hamsters named Heero Yuy (Hee-chan) and Shinigami Eagle Vision (Shini Eagle)(with Tomanaiya) Keeper of the Hit List Proud Owner of two sets of chibis: Chibi Angel Duo and Heero in leather (twins of Tomanaiya's) and Chibi Angel Duo and Heero in black flight gear with stripes from the final GW episodes Acting GOD in Charge of The Anime Muse Adoption Center and WSCT of the AMAC Proud member of SDDI, the Society of Defending Duo's Intelligence Member of the Society Against the Complete Bastardization of Heero Yuy Occupant of the Happy Hentai House Master Hacker of the Shinigami Organization Assistant Mob Psychologist for the Shinigami Organization Founding Member of Saa-EEP!!! Happy to be a member of the DuoML Member of 1x2, 2x1 Fan Club and ML Many more MLs but you don't want to know... Lady DarkAngel's Gundam Wing Fanfiction Library www.geocities.com/ladydarkangel_1/index.html |