| As I write this, my parents are screaming at each other loud enough to be heard 4 blocks over. I�m sick and tired of this. I wrote this to get my mind off my own problems and on someone else�s. Didn�t work though. *sighs* Oh well, at least I�m sharing the pain�� Onto my electronic therapy. Possibly incoherent. Unbeta�d and not apologizing for it. P.S. The story I mention is real. I think it came from Amy Tan�s �Joy Luck Club� but I could be wrong�� Title: I Cry Author: Lady DarkAngel [email protected] Archive: Lady DarkAngel's Gundam Wing Fanfiction Library http://ladydarkangel_1.homestead.com/Main.html , Darkflame�s (if she�ll take it�.) and anywhere else is fine, just ask me first Category: Angst Pairing(s): None Disclaimers: Gundam Wing or Shinkidousenki Gundam Wing is copyrighted and trademarked by Sunrise, Bandai, Sotsu Agency and associated parties with all rights and privileges. The characters were used without permission for the purposes of entertainment only. This is not meant for sale of profit. Any characters not created by those listed above are mine and hereby considered the sole property and copyright of the author. Anyway, I�m just a poor college student. So can I play with them? I promise I won�t break them�... much. Rating: PG-13 (to be safe) Warnings: Possibly incoherent, *very* depressed Duo, language Feedback: Kami-sama, YES!!! [email protected] ; any and all comments are welcome like the sweet ego-sustainers they are. I cry. But they aren�t tears you can see. It seems like I lost the ability to shed honest to God physical tears a long time ago. But occasionally, the wetness comes behind my eyes and threatens to destroy the image I crafted so very long ago and have spent most of my life perfecting. It never does, though. I beat them back with the fierceness of my anger and let them drown in the depths of my sorrow. The salty liquid will never grace my cheeks ever again. So I promised and I don�t lie if I can help it. I cry inside. I sob where no one can see or hear my despair, deep in the darkest corners of my tattered soul. Just because you can�t witness it doesn�t mean that I don�t suffer the same attacks of melancholy weeping that all people are subject to. I can�t let anyone see me cry. And it ain�t any that �boy�s don�t cry� shit. That is a complete and total lie and horrible stereotype that I am under *no* obligation to reinforce. Tears come for everyone, just like death. It�s one of life�s inevitabilities you can deny but can�t run from. I don�t cry out loud because it makes them stronger. I once heard a story when I was little. I really remember from where and the details are kinda hazy. But the gist of it was a kid was crying out his sorrows at a pond with all these birds hanging around. They were bathing in and feeding off the tears and thriving. Soon a whole flock was there. Some stranger came along and told �em not to cry because tears only feed the evil intentions and sadistic pleasures of those who enjoy and live off the pain off others. I remember shivering like mad when I heard that because I knew too many people like that, who would be glad to see a small boy shedding tears of pain and anguish. I don�t want to make my enemies stronger. I already have enough to deal with. My life has had more then its share of tearjerkers. I have plenty of reasons to have a well-deserved emotional breakdown. But I can�t afford that right now. None of us can. There are too many things in the balance, things so delicate that a butterfly�s touch would shatter it. Violent sorrow like mine would only serve to destroy it all. And as satisfying as that might be personally, I can�t to that to everyone. See, it�s not just me that�s got a stake in this. Would I sound like a selfish bastard if I said at this point I�m so close to not caring about that fact anymore? I know that it�s not fair to make them suffer for my problems. But life ain�t fair so why should I be? Everyone dumps on me anyways and drags me into their problems whether I want to go or not. Sometimes being naturally friendly and cheerful can come back and bite you in the ass. My tears would shock them. Hell, my tears might *kill* them. To see me cry might be the final act of brutality I commit in this godforsaken life. Because it would destroy the carefully built image of the smiling idiot who�s never been broken by anything and show them the real me. Terrified, lonely, vulnerable little helpless me, cursed with the knowledge of the truth and what will happen because of it and not being able to do a damn thing about it. To show them that would rock their world and make them question reality as they know it. Because I don�t cry. That�s one of the rules of life. The sun don�t rise in the north. You need oxygen to breath. People can be utter assholes. War and peace don�t last forever. Death and taxes come for everyone. Duo Maxwell doesn�t cry; he�ll smile forever. Why is that again? How in the hell did I become the strong one here? The only one left who can face the truth of the world head on without fear of immediate destruction? What happened to us, to *all* of us, that I�m the only one left?! That�s so sad. Me, the responsible one, the one in charge. The one who has to protect us all from Big Bad Reality by acting the part of the baka. I�m good at my job. And it�s killing me inside. But better me then them, ne? Why? Dunno, because I can take it better? Because I don�t want to lose anyone else if I can possibly avoid it? I will do whatever it takes to keep things the way they are, barely functioning but still alive. That�s what counts. If they stay alive on me, then there�s still a chance. For what, I don�t know but as long as we have that option, we�re good. If there�s still a chance��. I watch as I slowly lose parts of myself. With each new pain, a part of me breaks off and I cry it away into the darkness alone. Always and forever alone. My exterior is unshaken, that dumbass grin still glued on my face. But inside�� inside I�m huddled in a corner, dark droplets running from my ethereal eyes. It�s a safe bet to say that you can gauge the extent of my anguish but the width of that utterly fake smile I got from somewhere. Too bad nobody ever figured that out. Huh, maybe it�s better that way. But I carry on. I don�t have any other choice. I will be the one who shoulders the weight of the world and distributes it to the others gently. I will be the one who endures their wrath and pain as they try to understand or just scream it all out. I will be the one who silently takes all the misery and extracts the good out of it, despite the personal cost. I will be the first to die from self-inflicted wounds in the line of duty and companionship. And I won�t cry. I can�t cry. No matter how much I might want to. ~ ~ Owari ~ ~ Damnit��. This was supposed to make me feel better. Stupid thing didn�t work��. *runs off to find a corner to cry in* Lady DarkAngel ---------- Chibi Duo's Babysitter Moderator of Duo's Sugar Intake Keeper of Duo's Nice Rear-end Co-Keeper of Shinigami's Wings (with Meela) Keeper of Heero's Homicidal Intentions Keeper of Quatre's Teacup Keeper of Trowa's Mask Keeper of Wufei's Sense of Honor Co-Keeper of Duo's Chatter (with Tomanaiya) Co-Keeper of Heero's "Hn" (with Tomanaiya) Co-Writer of Wufei's Rants (with Tomanaiya) Leader of the Inspirationally-challenged Muses: Alisande, Rynvi, and Kiagara Co-Keeper of real-life hamsters named Heero Yuy (Hee-chan) and Shinigami Eagle Vision (Shini Eagle)(with Tomanaiya) Keeper of the Hit List Proud Owner of two sets of chibis: Chibi Angel Duo and Heero in leather (twins of Tomanaiya's) and Chibi Angel Duo and Heero in black flight gear with stripes from the final GW episodes Acting GOD in Charge of The Anime Muse Adoption Center and WSCT of the AMAC Proud member of SDDI, the Society of Defending Duo's Intelligence Member of the Society Against the Complete Bastardization of Heero Yuy Occupant of the Happy Hentai House Master Hacker of the Shinigami Organization Assistant Mob Psychologist for the Shinigami Organization Founding Member of Saa-EEP!!! Happy to be a member of the DuoML Member of 1x2, 2x1 Fan Club and ML Many more MLs but you don't want to know... Lady DarkAngel's Gundam Wing Fanfiction Library http://ladydarkangel_1.homestead.com/Main.html |