Okay...so not a lot of people understand what I say when I say it. Don't worry if you can't; I usually can't either. This usually occurs when I think of too many things at a time. There's no way that I can stop myself from committing what I have christened as "Beccaspeak"-the unitantional ability to make myself completely incoherent both mentally and verbally, thus creating a whole new language. All I can do to help anyone is to go back to what I stated before and restate it in a semi-coherent and inoffensive manner
With Beccaspeak, I am often guilty of non-sequitur and saying "the point being..." all too many times about something that is obviously not the point of whatever I am saying...in retrospect, of course. There is nothing that can be done, except to offer an explanation of some sort for my bizarre speech patterns and odd ideas. I will be the first to admit that my thoughts have no logical order. I abhor logic, and I feel I am dangerously close to being insane.
But anyway...
The point being that Beccaspeak is very hard to understand without an explanation. In order to understand me without an explantion (a danger in and of itself), one must know me very well or have had a few shots of Sprite and vodka. Or both. Oddly enough, it seems that my parents and siblings are the only people who come close to understanding Beccaspeak without an explantion. Maybe they understand me. Maybe they do drink Sprite and vodka. Maybe they know me as no one else could. Maybe. But that is another story.
A word of warning to anyone who meets me: I talk like this too. Often. I might be insane...But Beccaspeak could just be the manifestations of my illogical mind. Or my train of thought may have just derailed. Excuse me while I go and catch it.
Okay, okay. I'm exaggerating. I'm not completely incoherent...just mostly. Ask any of my relatives. And I don't drink, either. Go figure. Enjoy my ramblings.
Well, I thought I would insert some of my musings here, just to be a pain...
8/25/99
I am Arthur Dent incarnate. The Universe is playing a colossal joke on me.
Won't you take me to...funkytown? God, I hate that song. I just wish I could disappear from this earth and make a new one. Now that lyric about retired hands is running through my head. God, I wanna cry on someone's shoulder right now. Maybe some tall, slender, dark-haired guy with eyes I could get lost in.
*sigh* Why do I always have to dream? It's spooky and enchating at the same time to know what may come to pass....but probably won't, now that I've told someone. Gavin was so impossibly handsome that it still makes me cry...the thought that I might have a son so beautiful someday...
So no one's really in the Park. And no wonder. I'm in no state to chat. So many things...things...everywhere... I scare myself with these desires...my passion wears on me....
Now I see them talking often. Where she is, he is too...he emails her, but never me...he draws further and further away...I wonder what's going on...we started to sever when I told her I was still going to tell him...something's not right...I can feel it in my gut...I feel like I'm going to vomit...
Scar tissue that I wish you saw...What makes people think they have the fucking right to use you and hurt you? I should've know better than to trust anyone. It only gets me hurt worse...and worse...I can feel the darkness oozing in...on the downward spiral..."I can feel it coming back again/like a roll of thunder chasing the wind/voice pulling from the center of the earth again/I can feel it..."
I was right...I am a fool to trust...I pray that all I will trust with my deepest fears and strange insights is God Almighty...and maybe my roommate...she wouldn't understand the true meanings of what I see...or Anna...she believes in me, and she knows that I am rarely wrong about what I feel the most strongly...of course, that could be my ulcer...and the fear that what's about to happen is more than just a fairy story...just my cowardice chastising me for being honest...
Anyway, I think I'll cry now...
8/26/99, 9:00 am
Well, I feel less of my guts trying to rip out at the moment, but I'm still preparing for the worst. God, I hate this. Maybe it's just my fear trying to scare me out of having a relationship. Afraid to give all I have to give. I feel so unwillingly naked. I'm beginning to regret adding this section to my page. It would only drive people away if they saw me like this....so honest...and still so rose-coloured. I cannot record my thoughts as fast as the spill out...
I think I'm going to have another Arthur Dent day.
3/21/2000 9:30 pm
Happy fucking new year. Welcome back to the neverending nightmare. Nothing ever works right. My computer died on me, so now I have to rely on the school's computers. I hate that. Why can't anything really go right?
My nerves are shot. I've had too much. I miss my sweetheart....where is he? I think I'm going to cry some more. I wonder what's wrong with me. I'm moodier than usual. Still having cramps that feel like I'm having a hysterectomy under a fading general anesthetic...but I see no blood.
I feel like I'm living someone else's life. I think I've found the perfect man for me...but I'm still waiting for the other shoe to drop. Nothing good comes without a price...I know that now. I feel as though I am going to pay dearly for the moments of bliss that I have shared with Robert. Something terrible is going to happen...my gut screams that every single day. I go on planning for the big day, but something tells me I shouldn't plan too much. It's not that I don't trust Robert...it's just my experience that nothing good comes without a terrible price. I'm scared that this beautiful dream will be simply that...a dream...just a dream I had of a man who bore an uncanny resemblance to my best friend.
Damn! Why can't I just have something good stay within my life? Why do I have to overanalyze everything? Why can't I just live in the moment, enjoying what I have? It's just too much...I need a break...
2/17/02 7:78pm
I haven't written in here in a while. All of this seems like ages ago. I still dream, but there is more to life than dreams. I need to know where God is guiding me.
I am lonely, but not alone. I have people around who remind me of that all of the time. "We're one, but we're not the same."
I love. I am not "in love"--I love. I believe that the love that I feel is something genuine, an integral part of me. He may not return my love...and he doesn't have to. I am content just to see him happy. I know that he does love me, in his own way. Whether that way is the same as the way that I love him, I may not know. Saying goodbye won't destroy me, but it will hurt like the devil. I will miss having him nearby...he's such an important part of my life...not as important as God, but just as important as family...even beyond family...he understands me in ways and venues that I didn't think were possible.
Is this it?
We'll see.
Last Modified: 10/21/2003 by Rebecca L. Oaks
� 1997-2003 Rebecca L. Oaks
