How to Stay Depressed in College

Depression is truly a wonderful thing. I�m certain that at least one person at your high school suffered from angst; that person could have even been you. Well, I have some really wonderful news: you don�t have to leave your depression days behind you! That�s right; depression is very much a part of college life, and you don�t have to be a member of any club in particular to take part in this underrated mental illness.

In order to join the ranks of fellow students who choose to be depressed, you must first find a reason to be depressed yourself. There are plenty of reasons to be depressed, such as grades, romantic interests, or choosing a career. You will score bonus points if any of your family members suffered from any form of serious depression, because you will have a role model for your college angst. This depressed relative can be a prime example of how to act depressed.

The second step in this plan is, of course, to act depressed. You must never smile or laugh. Smiling or laughing are dead giveaways that you are not depressed. Read the biographies and autobiographies of famous depressed people such as Edgar Allen Poe, Sylvia Plath, and Anne Sexton. After you have studied the behaviors of these people, try to emulate them as much as possible. If all else fails, just act moody and brood over trivial things. Remember to avoid the sunlight. Sunny days are notorious for cheering up normally depressed people by making them go outside and forcing them to hang out with other people who enjoy sunny days.

Next, in order to be truly depressed, you cannot reach out and talk to anyone except for other people who are more depressed and suicidal then you are. Even then, you must not socialize with anyone who could have the potential of making you no longer feel depressed. If someone attempts to be friendly with you, just glare at him until he goes away. When someone is angry with you, you must then tell everyone that the whole world hates you and you want to die.

Then, if your depression needs to grow, you can consider failing at something. In order to fail at something, you must stop trying to do it. In your college classes, look as uninterested and apathetic as you can. You could even try giving your professors dirty looks, if you wanted to make them really angry with you. The best way to fail a class, however, is to not appear at all. This behavior really annoys most of my professors, and is guaranteed to get them to dislike you. After that, you can claim that �none of the professors like me.� You may or may not be correct in that statement, but you might be surprised at the patience and tolerance of some of the strictest professors.

If you really want to feel the pain of depression, and you can�t manage to fail in your classes, try falling in love with someone. Make that person is someone that you know you haven�t got a chance in hell of having a relationship with, such as the most popular (and arrogant) college student that you know. Make sure that you fall as deeply in love with this person as is humanly possible. While you are at it, attempt to become obsessed with this person. Research codependency and try to become codependent with this person. When he or she dumps you, act like your life is over. Don�t forget to mope pout, and shun all human contact. Be sure to keep your pain all bottled up inside so that you will stay depressed.

Depression is an essential part of any college student�s life. You must fail in all things and wallow as deeply in self-pity as possible to be successfully depressed. Above all, do not seek help for your depression, or you might find yourself irritatingly happy. Depression is one of the greatest joys of life, and no student should have to go through college without suffering at least one bout of this highly underrated mental illness.

�Rebecca Lynn Oaks 3/15/99